Entries Tagged 'Love, Sex & Romance' ↓

An excerpt from Getting the Love You Want, from the newsletter of the Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health

Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt’s classic book, Getting the Love You Want, first came out in 1988 and has since sold more than 2 million copies (as well as being a New York Times best-seller). Offering a workable model for addressing the psychoemotional realities of relationship, it also introduced the concept of the imago, forever changing the nature of couple’s therapy. In the book, a person’s imago is most simply defined as “a composite picture of the people who influenced you most strongly at an early age.” The image includes positive and negative attributes and the implications of how those attributes become imprinted on our young hearts and minds. In honor of those 20 years and the millions of people whose lives have been helped through their work, we bring you an excerpt from the newest edition of Getting the Love You Want (reprinted with permission).

A conscious partnership is a relationship that maximizes psychological and spiritual growth; it’s a relationship created by becoming conscious and cooperating with the fundamental drives of the unconscious mind—to be safe, to be healed, and to be whole.

Ten Characteristics of a Conscious Partnership

1. You realize that your love relationship has a hidden purpose—the healing of childhood wounds. Instead of focusing entirely on surface needs and desires, you learn to recognize the unresolved childhood issues that underlie them. When you look at relationships with this X-ray vision, your daily interactions take on more meaning. Puzzling aspects of your relationship begin to make sense to you, and you have a greater sense of control.

2. You create a more accurate image of your partner. At the very moment of attraction, you began fusing your lover with your primary caretakers. Later you projected your negative traits onto your partner, further obscuring your partner’s essential reality. As you move toward a conscious relationship, you gradually let go of these illusions and begin to see more of your partner’s truth. You see you your partner not as a savior but as another wounded human being, struggling to be healed.

3. You take responsibility for communicating your needs and desires to your partner. In an unconscious partnership, you cling to the childhood belief that your partner automatically intuits your needs. In a conscious partnership, you accept the fact that, in order to understand each other, you have to develop clear channels of communication.

4. You become more intentional in your interactions. In an unconscious partnership, you tend to react without thinking. You allow the primitive response of your old brain to control your behavior. In a conscious partnership, you train yourself to behave in a more constructive manner.

5. You learn to value your partner’s needs and wishes as highly as you value your own. In an unconscious partnership, you assume that your partner’s role in life is to take care of your needs magically. In a conscious partnership, you let go of this narcissistic view and divert more and more of your energy to meeting your partner’s needs.

6. You embrace the dark side of your personality. In a conscious partnership, you openly acknowledge the fact that you, like everyone else, have negative traits. As you accept responsibility for this dark side of your nature, you lessen your tendency to project your negative traits onto your mate, which creates a less hostile environment.

7. You learn new techniques to satisfy your basic needs and desires. During the power struggle, you cajole, harangue, and blame in an attempt to coerce your partner to meet your needs. When you move beyond this stage, you realize that your partner can indeed be a resource for you—once you abandon your self-defeating tactics.

8. You search within yourself for the strengths and abilities you are lacking. One reason you were attracted to your partner is that he or she had strengths and abilities that you lacked. Therefore, being with your partner gave you an illusory sense of wholeness. In a conscious partnership, you learn that the only way you can truly recapture a sense of oneness is to develop the hidden traits within yourself.

9. You become more aware of your drive to be loving and whole and united with the universe. As a part of your God-given nature, you have the ability to love unconditionally and to experience unity with the world around you. Social conditioning and imperfect parenting made you lose touch with these qualities. In a conscious partnership, you begin to rediscover your original nature.

10. You accept the difficulty of creating a lasting love relationship. In an unconscious partnership, you believe that the way to have a good relationship is to pick the right person. In a conscious partnership, you realize you have to be the right partner. As you gain a more realistic view, you realize that a good relationship requires commitment, discipline, and the courage to grow and change; creating a fulfilling love relationship is hard work.

Let’s take a close look at number ten, the need to accept the difficulty involved in creating a conscious partnership, because none of the other nine ideas will come to fruition unless you first cultivate your willingness to grow and change.

Becoming a Lover

We all have an understandable desire to live life as children. We don’t want to go to the trouble of raising a cow and milking it; we want to sit down at the table and have someone hand us a cool glass of milk. We don’t want to plant seeds and tend a grapevine; we want to walk out the back door and pluck a handful of grapes. This wishful thinking finds its ultimate expression in relationships. We don’t want to accept responsibility for getting our needs met; we want to “fall in love” with a superhuman mate and live happily ever after. The psychological term for this tendency to put the source of our frustrations and the solutions to our problems outside ourselves is “externalization,” and it is the cause of much of the world’s unhappiness.

I remember the day when a client whom I will call Walter came in for his appointment with slumped shoulders and a sad expression.

“What’s the matter?” I asked Walter. “You look very unhappy today.”

“Harville,” he said to me as he slumped into the chair, “I feel really terrible. I just don’t have any friends.”

I was sympathetic with him. “You must be very sad. It’s lonely not having any friends.”

“Yeah. I can’t seem to … I don’t know. There are just no friends in my life. I keep looking and looking, and I can’t find any.”

He continued in a morose, complaining voice for some time, and I had to suppress a growing annoyance with his regressed childlike state. He was locked into a view of the world that went something like this: wandering around the world were people on whose foreheads were stamped the words “Friend of Walter,” and his job was merely to search until he found them.

“Walter,” I said with a sigh, “do you understand why you don’t have any friends?”

He perked up. “No. Tell me!”

“The reason you don’t have any friends is that there aren’t any friends out there.”

His shoulders slumped.

I was relentless.

“That’s right,” I told him. “There are no friends out there. What you want does not exist.” I let him stew in this sad state of affairs for a few seconds. Then I leaned forward in my chair and said, “Walter—listen to me! All people in the world are strangers. If you want a friend, you’re going to have to go out and make one!”

Walter was resisting the idea that creating a lasting friendship takes time and energy. Even though he was responsible and energetic in his job, he retained the childlike notion that all he had to do to establish intimacy was to bump up against the right person. Because he hadn’t acknowledged that a friendship evolves slowly over time and requires thoughtfulness, sensitivity, and patience, he had been living a lonely life.

The passive attitude Walter brought to his friendships was even more pronounced in his love life: he couldn’t seem to find the ideal woman. Recovering from a painful divorce (in a bitter legal battle, his wife had gotten custody of their son), he was desperately trying to find a new lover.

The specific problem that had plagued Walter in his relationship was that he was caught in concepts and ideas, not feelings. He hid his vulnerability behind his formidable intellect, which prevented any genuine intimacy. He had been coming to group-therapy sessions for about six months, and at each session he would hear from the group the same message that he had been hearing from his wife—that he wasn’t sharing his feelings, that he was emotionally distant. One evening a member of the group finally broke through to him. “When you talk about your pain,” she said, “I can’t see any suffering. When you hug me, I can’t feel your hugs.” Walter finally realized that there was some basis to his ex-wife’s complaints. “I thought she was just being bitchy and critical,” he confessed. “It never occurred to me that maybe she was right. That I could learn something about myself from listening to her.”

When Walter had time to absorb this awareness, he developed more enthusiasm for the therapeutic process and was able to work on dismantling his emotional barriers. As he become more alive emotionally, he was finally able to have a satisfying relationship with a new woman friend. During his last session with me, he shared his feelings about therapy. “You know,” he said, “it took me two years to learn one simple fact: that, in order to have a good relationship, you have to be willing to grow and change. If I had known this ten years ago, I would still be living with my wife and son.”

Walter can’t be blamed for wanting to believe that relationships should be easy and “natural.” It’s human nature to want a life without effort. When we were infants, the world withheld and we were frustrated; the world gave and we were satisfied. Out of thousands of these early transactions, we fashioned a model of the world, and we cling to this outdated model even at the expense of our relationships. We are slow to comprehend that, in order to be loved, we must first become lovers. And I don’t mean this in sentimental terms. I don’t mean sending flowers, writing love notes, or learning new lovemaking techniques—although any one of these activities might be a welcome part of a loving relationship. To become a lover, we must first abandon the self-defeating tactics and beliefs … and replace them with more constructive ones. We must change our ideas about love relationships, about our partners, and ultimately, about ourselves.

Here�s something to wrap your head around (or wrap around your head). The City of New York now has it�s own official condom.

Just in time for Valentine�s Day, the New York City Health Department unveiled it, making the Big Apple first in the nation with an official brand. Best of all, it’s free.

“Condoms can prevent HIV, other sexually transmitted infections, and unintended pregnancies,” said Dr. Thomas R. Frieden, New York City’s Health Commissioner. “Abstinence is failsafe, and reducing the number of sexual partners reduces risk of infections. But for sexually active people, using a condom is key to staying healthy.”

Through an Internet-based ordering system, the Health Department has recently boosted the distribution of free condoms from 2.5 million per year to some 18 million per year. The new branding effort will further increase the number. That�s a whole lotta fu�uh�usage.

To find out where to get a free NYC Condom, or to place a bulk order, call 311 or visit www.nyccondom.org

�I got a rock.� – Charlie Brown, �It�s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown�

If you sell flowers, candy or stuffed teddy bears, today is your day. It is the equivalent of the Christmas holiday season, a chance to make your entire nut for the year. Toss in the jewelers and restaurants, and there are a lot of folks making money off the St. Valentine�s Day lovefest, the final holiday in the overly-commercialized season of socially-imposed happiness that begins with Thanksgiving (think turkey and airline travel), continues through Christmas (the mother of them all) and New Year�s (champagne, tuxedo rentals, large catered parties) before ending today. Frankly, about the only one I can stomach is Thanksgiving, no pun intended.

We�ve all been told we�re supposed to be happy, as if whatever else may be going on in our lives or in the world will somehow disappear. And we�ll be happier still if we just make those cash registers ring-a-ling all across the land. Bah humbug!

For the umpteenth time in at least as many years, Cupid�s arrow hasn�t been fired anywhere near me. I can�t even recall the last time I saw his little naked ass in the neighborhood. But that�s ok. Really.

People in relationships have a heightened awareness of the state of their relationships on Valentine�s Day. They do little things (or big things) for each other as a way to say, �I love you.� There is nothing inherently wrong with taking a day to do that, even if that fact was never in doubt before. If it was, then this day can also create an opportunity to either work to strengthen the bonds or decide if it�s worth it to go on. Although I have to figure getting dumped today would be truly fucked up.

But if you�re not in a relationship, haven�t been in ages, and see no signs of that ever changing, this day is just major suckage. The media will do their annual stories on the price of a dozen roses, do man (and woman) on the street interviews to find out how couples are celebrating, and the day will be filled with reminders that one is the loneliest number. All this glee, with no glee for thee.

I have grown in my own comfortability around singlehood. I�m not as bummed out over it as I was in past years. I have accepted the possibility (probablility?) that this may remain my natural state for the rest of the run and have reoriented my life and my thinking accordingly. I�m doing me now. If someone comes into my life one day, fine. If not, I know how to cook dinner on my own, can take my ownself to the theater and I�m still working towards getting a house, dammit.

Happy Valentine�s Day, y’all!

My life is all about irony.

On the very day that the New York State Court of Appeals handed down its decision that same-sex marriage was unconstitutional under state law, yours truly had to attend a bachelor party for an old college friend who got married this past Saturday. I also attended the wedding and was asked to serve as MC during the reception.

Now years ago, there was a period right after I graduated when a number of my college and even high school classmates were getting hitched and it was still fun getting old friends together. But the older I got the less fun they became, and the more secure I became in my own identity, the more it became apparent to me how fundamentally unfair the whole marriage rights issue is.

I don�t have a problem with heterosexual marriage. I think straight people should have every right to marry if they�ve actually found someone special and in fact really are in love. But those big gaudy displays of heterosexual privilege, complete with bouquet and garter tosses and the unstated expectation that some lucky �single� in the audience will be next, leaves me a bit cold, considering how this is a privilege to which I am not entitled by law. Unless it�s a family member or close friend, I�ll pass, thank you.

This past weekend fell into the close friend category and I would have been hard pressed to bail out. This friend who I�ve known about 26 years, has waited his whole life to find that special woman and he has. They make a great couple and he�s truly happy. In the company of so many straight married husbands at the bachelor party and couples at the wedding and reception, I wasn�t going to go all political and engage everyone in a discourse on the current inequities of the law. I smiled, laughed and told some jokes, and was happy for him that he was getting what he wanted in life.

But the entire time I could not escape the realization that even if I had someone significant in my life right now, by law, I am denied such a celebration.

I have never understood why a lesbian or gay couple that has been together in a loving relationship for 20 years can�t get married, but an 18 year old boy who knocks up a 16 year old girl can get hitched before the year is out and will often be encouraged to do so.

And yet the President of the United States believes that the sanctity of marriage can only be maintained if we pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting people of the same sex from marrying, defining marriage as an act only between a man and a woman, and prohibiting judges from requiring states to grant same-sex couples the legal benefits of marriage.

Now, we all recognize this as an election year ploy to divide voters and enable right-wing conservatives to win or maintain seats in Congress. But the very flawed theory behind it�at least the theory they hope slow thinkers will gravitate towards�is that somehow or other, heterosexual marriage as we know it is under attack. If we allow gays and lesbians to marry, the theory goes, then somehow or other we�ll no longer have any more straight folks running to the altar, and kids will grow up without a mommy and a daddy. Civilization as we know it will go to hell in a handbasket. Or so the theory goes.

Mind you, the divorce rate for married couples has held steady at about 50 percent for decades now, and 30 percent of American families are headed by a single parent according to the most recent census. That 1950�s image of the intact nuclear family hasn�t existed in reality since�well�the 1950�s, if it did even then.

And if we want to talk about the destruction of civilization, well George Bush is doing a good enough job of that all by himself.

And yet there are no laws on the books in any state putting limits on the number of marriage licenses that can be issued, so clearly any �threats� to the institution of marriage come from elsewhere, most likely problems affecting individual couples and the circumstances around their decision to marry. Instead of denying loving same sex couples the right to the benefits of marriage, perhaps these protectors should look at making other changes. Since they seem unwilling to do so, I�ll put forth my own package of laws and changes I think would really defend and solidify marriage:

First, let�s impose mandatory age limits. If you have to be 18 to serve in the military and 21 to buy alcohol, why is it you can get married at 16? Raise the minimum age of marriage to 21, then impose�

Mandatory marriage counseling and training for all couples that get engaged. Such services should take at least a year to complete before couples can even plan the wedding. Counseling should include alternative dispute resolution training, family financial planning, relationship coaching, sexual advice, �home economics� classes and compatibility testing.

Eliminate shotgun weddings. No one should be forced to marry just because they�ve made someone pregnant. This would not relieve them of the responsibility of child support, but just because you can make a baby doesn�t mean you can create a loving family. Too many forced marriages only create more problems.

Eliminate eloping. It should be illegal to be able to run off and get married without telling others or receiving the mandatory counseling and training. This would include the drunks who stumble into wedding chapels in Nevada only to wake up the next morning sober and married.

Put a financial cap on wedding expenses. Bridezillas who want to impress their friends by holding the wedding to end all weddings start marriage off on the wrong foot. The couple and/or their families are all in debt out the ass and everybody is stressed out on wedding day trying to live out her princess fantasies. Keep it simple stupid and save the big blowout for your 25th anniversary.

Police background checks should be required whenever there is a wide disparity in either the age or financial status of the couple. Can a 20 year old big breasted blonde really love an 80 year old impotent millionaire? Maybe, but a mandatory police check might weed out the phonies. It would also uncover the polygamists and con artists.

Local communities must seriously address domestic violence. Violence in the home is one of the chief causes of broken marriages. Counseling in anger management must be available when appropriate, or else there should be incarceration with stiff penalties for first time offenders when necessary. Restraining orders rarely work.

Financial viability tests should be required before couples can have children. Kids cost money and couples that don�t have sufficient means to support them, should not be allowed to have them. Many couples are neither financially capable nor mentally mature enough to handle child-rearing and this often leads to divorce. However, we should�

Make divorces harder to obtain. Fifty percent of all heterosexual marriages end in divorce. Some people cut and run at the first sign of trouble, so the �quickie divorce� should be outlawed. Pass laws making marriage and financial counseling mandatory, since money issues are also a leading cause of divorce. A long cooling off period should be imposed to determine if reconciliation is possible.

Put a cap on alimony. Either a one-time payment or a fixed percentage of the wealthier spouses income, tied to the number of years in the marriage, would also deter the �gold-digger� syndrome. Alimony should be separation pay not retirement benefits.

The goal of my defense of marriage act would be to help those who wish to get married by giving them support before, during and if necessary, after the marriage.

But laws that merely attempt to block certain people from marrying who just happen to be of the same sex, solve none of the real issues that cause marriages to dissolve.