Entries Tagged 'Black Gay Men at Midlife' ↓

I thought I knew what I was getting into when I started my Black Gay Men at Midlife project. Then it became apparent I had no idea at all. The whole thing took on a life of its own and I was just along for the ride.

Let me thank all the many people who posted comments during the entire 12 part series, sent me private emails, mentioned it on their own websites and blogs or just stopped by and read. My hits went way up during the run so I know there were a lot of you.

Last but certainly not least, my immeasurable thanks go to Conrad, Patrice, Bernard, John, George, Mark, David, Robert, Cordell, James, Jaleel and Reggie for taking the time to complete my very lengthy questionnaire and for providing such honest, open, heartfelt and thought-provoking responses. Your words made this series. I was happy to provide the forum.

The idea for this whole thing began percolating in my brain about ten years ago. I was 37, approaching 40 yet already feeling a growing disconnection from gay communities to which I had previously belonged. I wanted new and different experiences and people to share them with. Ten years later, I’m still looking for the latter.

Spurring on the idea was first the fact that as a blogger, I am constantly looking for things to write about. My fourth blogaversary is September 1 and there is only so much you can write about before you run out of things to say. I wanted to try something entirely different.

The second reason is, several weeks ago, I was approached by a magazine (which shall remain nameless) to write a piece on being Black, gay and in my 40’s. That was the extent of their concept and when I emailed back a more in-depth approach, they poo-poo’ed the whole idea. I said to myself, “I have a blog. Let me write my own damn story.”

My objective in running this series was to begin a dialogue, specifically among Black gay middle aged men, to allow us space to share our thoughts, opinions, hopes and fears about aging. What happens next, I’m not entirely sure. Ideally men will begin to have more face-to-face conversations with one another informally or through the various community-based organizations that exist around the country. Perhaps academicians will seriously begin to study the intersections of race and sexual orientation in the aging process.

The desire to step up and be heard is there. It’s up to all of us to take advantage of the opportunity.

UPDATE: Check out an iChat interview I did on No There There with George Kelly.

The Black Gay Men at Midlife series:

Part 1 – A Conversation With My Brothers LINK

Part 2 – The Search for Community LINK

Part 3 – Friendship, Love and Intimacy LINK

Part 4 – The End of Our Youth LINK

Part 5 – The Second Act LINK

Part 6 – Love and the Older Man LINK

Part 7 – Redefining Community LINK

Part 8 – Looking Back, Moving Forward LINK

Part 9 – We’ll All Be Old One Day LINK

Part 10 – The Need for a Plan LINK

Part 11 – Golden Men LINK

Part 12 – A Conversation With My Younger Brothers LINK

Black Gay Men at Midlife – Part 12, the conclusion

With this 12th segment, we conclude our series exploring the lives of Black gay men in middle age.

If there has been one obvious point made among the many expressed by our group, it is that no one wants to be put into a little box, forced to live according to some narrow set of parameters that dictate how we behave. As these men have passed through or imagined themselves in their youth, at middle age and as seniors, they envisioned full and productive lives. Whether that was or will be realized or not, they felt, depended entirely on the choices they made. At all points along their journey, they either were or saw themselves being involved in the larger community, gay and straight, contributing their talents and knowledge.

To end, they wrap up discussion of their expectations for old age, then pass along advice for the generations behind them. Perhaps in 20 years, another group of middle aged men will have entirely different experiences as a result.

What do you see as some of the best and worst aspects of being a gay senior citizen?

Conrad, 43, Memphis
Being alone and with no one to relate to and/or falling into the care of some homophobic Christian who would mistreat you either in your family or in a home if you’re faced with going to one.

Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
Loneliness, Elder abuse/crime, housing issues, discrimination, invisibility. Best- knowledge, money, choices.

Bernard, 41, Atlanta
About the same as being a senior citizen who is not gay, and neither good nor bad (at this point at least): having comfortable savings and lifestyle and concerns with health issues.

John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I think it is still very tough for older LGBT people, who can be isolated, who face hostility from medical and social providers, and from other related industries. I think it’s also harder for LGBT people of color, especially Black LGBT people. But I hope this changes, and if I can do anything to ensure that, I will.

George, 51, New York
The worst aspects of being an older gay person would be to be alone and forgotten. To be in poor health and have no one who is close to you to help and visit. To be cast aside by family and friends if you don’t have children to care for you. That would be terrible. The best aspects would be having a larger sense of self. The freedoms to say and do whatever you like and not care about the consequences. To be sought after for your opinions and beliefs, to be revered and admired because you lived through the holocaust of AIDS and still able to have compassion and love in your life, that would be wonderful. To honor and support those coming up and know that your work and contributions have helped them in some way, would help the aging process. It would be amazing to be respected for who you and what you have done. I believe we are “our own best thing” and we need to lift each other up, since we stand on the shoulders of those who have gone before us.

Mark, 46, Harlem
I’ll answer that question when I become a senior citizen.

David, 46, Harlem
I’m thinking about affordable housing, medical coverage and family when I think of becoming a gay senior. I’m a firm believer in living the golden rule; therefore, most of the elders in my family lived beyond the age of 80s, so I will be the gay uncle that the grand-children, grand-nieces and their friends would flock around, for I will, like the young folks say today, WILL KEEP IT REAL!

Robert, 40, San Francisco
I think at least I had a chance to live my life as I saw it in my younger years.

Cordell, 41, Albany
Becoming infirmed and having no one to depend upon to care for you is one negative aspect. Having friends to die around you and thus having fewer of them is another. A more positive aspect is being able to rebound easier to break-ups and being more flexible and somewhat more tolerant of people and myself than what I was when I was younger. Also, being able to say “I know how you feel” and really meaning it because you actually did experience it-and survived it, so that you can share your survival skills regarding that particular situation. Another aspect is being okay with who you are and not really caring about how others feel about what you do or who you are as an older gay man.

James, 43, Oakland
Hopefully, working in the field that I choose and having the freedom to get up in the morning when I want. Being able to travel and stay as long as I like. I guess I better be rich or I will be in trouble. Whether single or alone, I just want to have a good life. I want to grow old gracefully and still have fun. Hopefully, my challenges will be manageable.

I want to continue to live in the present. I think one of the worst things you can do as you get older is to become bitter and regretful about the things you have not done with your life. As long as I keep getting up, I have a new day to live out my dreams.

Jaleel, 42, Decatur
Everything I’ve written and answered above.

Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Best: Providing that ‘resource’ to the community.
Worse: Increased isolation.

What advice would you give a Black gay man now in his 20’s about how to prepare for midlife? (Perhaps it’s advice you wish someone had given you.)

Conrad, 43, Memphis
Build a life for yourself of intimacy with good friends and relations, people you’d want to grow old with and hold on to them. Don’t get caught up in being gay and having sex; they’re dead ends in and of themselves. Live your life with expectations. Too often I’ve heard in my own life, “don’t have any expectations.” But I think that’s a lie. The world we live in at present came into being because too many people have lived lives with no expectations. They were willing to just go along to get along. And we’re all suffering for that surrender and for continuing such a cowardly tradition amongst humankind. Live with expectations. Yes, sometimes you will get wounded, hurt or disappointed. But these are only some aspects of life, not the whole of life. Have faith in something larger than yourself. Expect hope; you just might get it or create it. Expect to love and be loved. And if you can’t find any of these, raise your voice in and off the streets until it comes to you, following your raised call like a bloodhound hot on a trail. And if you fail? At least you failed trying and that’s no surrender. It creates a better possibility of chances for the next generation. Your life is never just about you and you alone!

Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I would say be educated, save money and think about home ownership and relationship/ family. The clubs…being fabulous does not last forever.

Bernard, 41, Atlanta
1. Save money: always pay yourself first. And don’t touch it.
2. Get a good health insurance plan to cover medical expenses.
3. There is no need to rush everything all at once. You have time to accomplish your goals; there is no need to try to do every single thing at once.
4. Love comes on its own timetable, not yours. Don’t think every man that looks good to you is good for you. Likewise, don’t assume that just because you haven’t found “the one” yet means you never will. Relax.
5. Be comfortable with yourself, but never complacent. Strive to better yourself intellectually, mentally, spiritually, and physically. And realize anyone who tells you “you are perfect just the way you are” is lying. All that means is that if you are a young fool now, you’ll be an old fool later.
6. Travel as much as possible.
7. You care more about what other people think of you than they actually spend any time thinking about you. Does that make sense?
8. As you get older, don’t try to hang on acting like you were when you were 18, 20 or 25. It’s healthy to maintain a young and youthful outlook, but chances are that you did some stupid things at 21. Don’t think that will be cute or excusable at 41.
9. Don’t become “old” and “set in your ways” just because you get older. Just because you turn 35 doesn’t mean you suddenly have to “discover” jazz. Just because you turn 40 doesn’t mean you have to start watching art house films. Discovery should happen as a byproduct of your own curiosity, not according to your age.
10. As you get older, embrace it instead of cursing it. Too many people didn’t make it this far for you to be bitching and moaning about a few gray hairs and the phantom “good old days.” Either live or die, but as long as you are here you might as well live your best life to the fullest degree possible.

John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
Begin thinking about your 40s, 50s and beyond. Where do you want to be then? Enjoy your 20s, but also think about your future. Consider what steps will prepare you for possible challenges and life changes down the road. What will you have after your physical youth and beauty disappears? What do you want to have, and who might you want to be?

George, 51, New York
I would tell younger BGM that they should try not to ever do anything that they may regret. That would mean how you dressed, who you dated, had sex with, or spoke harshly to, because much of those things will come back on you and people will remind you of those instances over and over again. If these things do happen, and they will happen, forgive yourself, try to remember the circumstances that made you do that thing (we were caught up, I was horny, it was in fashion, I was hurt…whatever) that you wish you hadn’t. And remember, most of those things will be excused as youthful exuberance and move and try to learn from it and become a better person because of it.

Mark, 46, Harlem
1) be honest with yourself about how you feel emotionally.
2) join a community-based organization which affirms your sexuality.
3) let people with diverse life experiences help you with your problems.

David, 46, Harlem
Wow! That’s a big order, for I’m coming from a totally different era then that of the pre-Stonewall or the 70s free love era . . . I came out and was sexuality active at the peak of the AIDS epidemic 1979 to now.

But if I had to share advice the first thing I would do would tell someone to find someone you trust and share your feelings. The first person I would tell them to look at is there mother. The women in my life have always been my safety net. The men came around much later in my life, when actually I had no use for their support. I needed them in my developmental years.

After that, I would tell them to finish school, and even think about advanced education, for once you have that you can combat homophobia and racism with a better foundation.

Secondly, I would tell them to set priorities:
1. Protect yourself physically, mentality, spiritually.
2. Start saving more, and spending less.
3. Learn quickly the difference between sex and love.
4. Cherish your friendships, and learn quickly too that people come into your life for a season. And, although I have some long term friends, it’s the short friendships that also taught a few life lessons.
5. Last, but far from least, I would tell them to read . . . read everything by James Baldwin, for he has set a blueprint for Black, gay men to use as a tool for their own journey. I didn’t read Mr. Baldwin until I was twenty-one, for if I had read him before
the age of 21, I would have saved myself a lot of emotional scares.

Robert, 40, San Francisco
(no response)

Cordell, 41, Albany
Advice that I would give younger gay men is to make sure that they are happy with what they decide to pursue in life-regardless of what it is. And would counsel them to get an education, keep a job, open a bank account, keep their credit reports clean, don’t rush to become older, enjoy life as it comes, have lots of “safer” sex (for there will be periods of time when the opportunity and the desire will wane). Seek happiness, treasure their parents while they are still alive, Seek and develop meaningful relationships with people who are different from them, save some and spend some [money]. Take care of their health, go to a doctor if you are ill, get yearly checkups, floss, always wear clean underwear (you never know who will see them), and don’t give up their goals, no matter what anyone tells you.

James, 43, Oakland
The best advice I got when I was in my 20’s was don’t be afraid to travel a different path in life for the blessings will come. I will add to that everyone will not be your friend. Just as everyone will not like you, you do not have to like everyone. Be careful with whom you share your time and talent. Life is precious and the years move so fast. Don’t be afraid to love with all your heart. Our biggest challenge at any age is allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. Finally, DREAM BIG!!!

Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I would tell the young man that it is important to set his goals and prioritize. Growing older was not even a reality for me when I was in my 20’s. I was fortunate enough to have a mother that stressed education and I knew that I needed to “do” right in order to “get” right. I wonder what life would have been like with a black gay man sharing similar advice, from a gay perspective? And even if I didn’t listen at the time, I’m sure his words would have stuck with me. I want my words to stick with young people today. I want them to understand their worth as children of the Most High. I would advise them to paint a picture of what they want their life to be and then put that picture where they could easily get to it (in their head, on a canvas, in a notebook…wherever). And then in tough times, I would advise them to pull out that picture and realize that what they’re going though is all a part of a journey to get them to that destination.

Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Don’t believe the bullshit that your life is over at 30 (or 40, or 50, or….). You’re life isn’t ‘over’ till you’re dead (and even then some people and their reputations have an interesting afterlife). At least think about planning for something more than just tomorrow or the next party — as well as, perhaps, your Golden Years (lord how I wished I’d saved those 6 months of military pay while we were underway in S America!).

I’d also say “Don’t get old” You will get older, your age will increase, but don’t grow into a stick in the mud/old fogey.

Black Gay Men at Midlife – Part 11 of a series

Isolation is the enemy of old age. It isn’t that anyone wants to be cut off from other people, it’s just that sometimes circumstances intervene. Loss of existing friends due to illness or death, decreased physical mobility, fewer welcoming spaces or simply not having anyone around who shares your interests, can all contribute to a sense of feeling alone in our golden years.

Gay senior citizens are no different than anyone else in their desire to continue to “create family” around them for socializing and companionship. But it doesn’t necessarily get any easier. In Part 11, the group speculates on how that all might play out.

If you do not have a partner, do you think it will be possible to find someone as a senior citizen? Are you concerned about growing old alone?

Conrad, 43, Memphis
I don’t know. I wonder if I’d be too disenchanted with life to let anyone get close at such a late hour of life. Yes, I am concerned about growing old and alone and if anyone will be there to take care of me. I think about the man found recently in his home back off the road who’d been dead a year. He was found dead in his chair; had rotted. The mail was flowing out of his mailbox and so too his newspapers. No one stopped to ask or inquire, not even the neighbors. It makes me wonder how I will live and leave here at the last. And you fear being old and by yourself, full of regret over what you wanted and never had. I think it’s sad when love has become a rarity in our world. Or maybe it has always been this way.

Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
Growing old alone is a concern especially when it comes to medical decisions and nursing homes/assisted living as an out gay man. I am not aware of very many facilities that will cater to the elderly LGBT community.

Bernard, 41, Atlanta
Not thinking about it, or, in fact, very concerned about it. Not really.

John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
N/A

George, 51, New York
I believe that I am interesting and attractive and I (currently) have an active dating/sex life. However I do think I would like a partner to share more aspects of my life with. I don’t suffer fools so I am more discriminating in my choices but in some ways I’m more open to trying new things. I don’t want to grow older alone but if it happens I think/hope I’ll be OK, and will learn more about myself.

Mark, 46, Harlem
I think it’s possible, though not probable, to experience partnership as a senior citizen. My concerns about growing older alone have strengthened my faith in a loving God.

David, 46, Harlem
Yes, I have a partner. I also think it is hard nowadays to find someone, for most of my colleagues are JADED, BITTER and STILL RECOVERING FROM SO MUCH LOSS. I can empathize with the majority of them, too.

No, I’m not concerned, for I am good people; therefore, I’m sure I will attract good people to me.

Robert, 40, San Francisco
I am (at the moment) not worried about getting older and being single.

Cordell, 41, Albany
I am not partnered, but I am not yet really worried about not being so. I do think that as I become older and the wrinkles set in and I become more stuck in my ways that if I live alone for a long period of time, that it will be harder to share space with someone else. I am though concerned about friends who are in their 50s and 60s that live alone. I talk with them about it all the time and they tell me that it’s not too bad living alone, but I think they say that because they are resigned to living that way and have become used to it. They dress it up with loving themselves more and not having to answer to anyone else about their comings and goings, but sometimes, when they are stuck in situations where they have no one to depend upon but friends, I can hear and sometimes sense the loneliness and fear.

James, 43, Oakland
That is a good question. In my forties, it is quite a challenge finding someone. More than worrying about being alone, I worry about not being open to a relationship as I get older. I worry that I will keep my defenses up so high that I will not be accessible. The lies and games seem to get worse with every year. I no longer dream of the big fairy tale romances. I just want someone special to share my heart with and hopefully, I will not be too jaded. ?

Jaleel, 42, Decatur
It’s funny because I ‘live for’ the Golden Girls. This groundbreaking show has demonstrated that life is not over as a senior. I will be able to date and have sex and love. I intend to be like fine wine. I will not look my age, and I will taste divine!

There are times I think about what life will be like if I’m alone…but I don’t intend to be alone. I know some people will read this and think that I’m living in a fantasy world. I subscribe to the saying that: “…what’s true for you, is true for you…” I know, for example, that whatever I hold in my mind, in my consciousness will come to fruition. If this is not true for some nay-Sayers, then it won’t come to fruition…and in 20 years they’ll be saying the same things, “..there are no good guys in Atlanta” or “…no one wants me because I’m too old…”I don’t ever intend to sing that song.

Reggie, 46, Baltimore
N/A

What do you think your social life will be like as you age? Do you envision having any regular interaction with gay people who are younger than you? Will that be important or unimportant to you?

Conrad, 43, Memphis
I expect my social life will diminish as it is now. I don’t know if I’d have much interaction with gay people who are younger. I don’t know if I’d want to have any interaction. I don’t know if it’d be important. Would they want anything to do with me an older black gay man? Will they fear the truth that I will represent before their very eyes? It’s not like the older black gay men around me are a shining example of aging with grace. They’re aging like fools to me. And that’s my judgment.

Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I will be important in the passing on of information that will make their lives better. I’m generally not interested in younger men for dating and as I get older I feel it would not be an equal playing field therefore I want to avoid that problem by being financially stable with a partner and other life options that will ensure my happiness.

Bernard, 41, Atlanta
Unconcerned. Yes. Moderately important. Still hope to mentor young gay people, male and female, as I get older.

John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I hope that I continue to have interactions with gay people of all ages–younger, older, and in my peer group. This is very important to me.

George, 51, New York
I hope to keep an active social life, still visiting people, having dates (not necessarily romantic but interesting), going out and doing things with people I enjoy. I have some younger gay people who keep in touch so I believe that I will have interaction with the younger gay community. I do think it will be important, because I want to see the changes that are going on in the gay community, not just from an observer perspective but also from those who are on the front lines.

Mark, 46, Harlem
My social calendar is proportionate to the people I interact with regularly. I like meeting new people (until they piss me off) and hope we can learn from each other as I age. I’m not sure if and/or how much I’ll socialize with younger men. I seek caring, genuine souls with like-minded interests.

David, 46, Harlem
Actually, I have tried my hand in radio, and was very disappointed that I was still facing racism among my white, gay colleagues even in the 21st Century. Which is one reason that I have carried the torch for this gay marriage issue, for I think the majority of those who will benefit from it is the white, gay community. So I am very pro-active in creating spaces/community for Black, Gay, Transgender, Bi and Lesbian youth and adults to interact, among their straight supporters. I am thinking on creating a MNN cable program that would incorporate a cultural and social venue for this group of people.

Robert, 40, San Francisco
I think I will keep the few friends I have and spend time with them as they age. I don’t envision having interaction with younger gay people.

Cordell, 41, Albany
I am more willing to make myself available to younger people than what I was a decade ago. I sometimes don’t have the tolerance that’s needed to listen to some of the issues that they are experiencing, but I am developing the willingness to learn. I think that my social life might be similar to the guys who I see sitting on barstools with other men their age oggling young guys and flaunting their financial security like oasis to men in a desert because they tend to get overlooked quicker or don’t have anything else to rely upon to attract other men. Finally, it is important that I am able to continue to establish relationships with younger men and pass on some of what I received when I was younger.

James, 43, Oakland
I think I will have a good social life as I age. I am very careful about the people I choose as friends. When you are younger, you worry about knowing the right people and going to the right parties. If you are smart, you set your own rules and live your life on your own terms. You learn that being different is your way of life and it is okay to not follow the crowd. I will definitely interact with younger and older gay people. I strongly believe that there is something to be learned from everyone.

Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I’m not sure if I’ll interact with younger people as I continue to age. I like the idea of growing older with my peers and having life experiences in common with each other. I don’t necessarily want to be out at the clubs or at the malls, for example, with young people now so I don’t imagine I’ll want to do that when I’m in my 50’s and 60’s. Much like the Golden Girls I will have an active life right up until I die. When I was living in DC, there were weekly discussion groups for gay men over 40. This was necessary because they forged friendships out of those meetings. I remember seeing (at the time I wasn’t allowed into those groups) several men in their late 50’s and 60’s (one man in particular told us he was close to 80). These were vibrant men who had something to say. I intend to be one of those vibrant, active, still good-looking men. There are groups now, here in Atlanta, that I’m looking at becoming part of particularly because of the age factor. This all excites me. And what doesn’t exist at that time, I will create.

Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Probably social life ‘outside’ will become increasingly smaller — fewer bars and clubs, more time with friends.

I do hope to be able to be around younger gay people in some capacity. Dreaming of being a mentor/resource.

Tomorrow, Part 12: The series concludes.

Black Gay Men at Midlife – Part 10 of a series

Because of the unique nature of our lives, it is imperative that lesbians and gays create a plan for old age. Unlike most heterosexuals, there are typically no children to take care of us should we grow too old to live alone. Being single may have worked fine in your 20s and 30s, but at 60 or 70, that could leave you isolated and at the mercy of professional caregivers who may or may not be accepting of our sexual orientation.

Financial and estate planning, health care proxies and legal protections for the transfer of property—many of the things straight people are afforded just by having the right to marry—are all necessary particularly if a gay couple has shared their life together.

While it is never too early to plan, midlifers especially think about such things. Old age is in sight. What is less obvious however are visible symbols of senior gay life to guide us.

In Part 10, the guys share more thoughts on the years ahead.

Do you have any role models for how to live a quality life as a gay senior citizen? Does anyone consider you a role model now? If so, how?

Conrad, 43, Memphis
No I don’t have any models. I think there are those who consider me a model. But how painful it is to be a model and have none. It’s a huge responsibility and a disorienting burden.

Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I’m considered a role model because despite being gay I do not limit my ambitions and I daresay that younger gay men see the possibilities of achievement.

Bernard, 41, Atlanta
Honestly, no. I assume yes; that would be my “gay sons,” who often turn to me for advice or, as I admonish them to do, pay attention to my mistakes and not repeat them.

John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I have a few models; one friend is now in his mid 50s, and has been in a committed relationship for many years. I think the world of him, and consider him a partial role model; I have other people I admire, including a writer who has been a real supporter, who is in his 60s, is out and gay, and sets an incredible example. I think there are younger gay men who do consider me a role model, and as I noted above, I try to be supportive of what they’re doing with their lives. That support, I know, is invaluable.

George, 51, New York
Many of my role models are my contemporaries who are still active in their lives. I respect the fact that many guys still want to date, and be sexy, and flirt and be very much apart of the living and not thinking about dying. There are a few older gay men I know that are still active but more of them are becoming more settled in their lives and routines and starting to feel/act old. In terms of a role model, I have heard that from some people but I try not to let it go to my head. I prefer to be a mentor to younger folks and share my perspectives and realities and hopefully they will gain from my mistakes, challenges and lessons.

Mark, 46, Harlem
Senior homosexual role models are non-existent in my life, which is sad to say, though there are a few men whom I admire, care for and respect immensely. I currently serve as a mentor to a young, heterosexual, Black male. We connected in the summer of 2002 and he sees me as his big brother.

David, 46, Harlem
Yes, I have a Dean of a medical school and her partner. I also know of a male couple, who have been together for twenty years, and have adopted four children. I also know of another male couple with their grandchildren, and my best friend, a single parent with his two teenage children.

Robert, 40, San Francisco
I can’t think of any off the top of my head. Maybe. I know this young man who works near my place of residence and I would often see him and try to encourage him to continue his education. He was glad to tell me that he went back to school. I hope I help in some small way.

Cordell, 41, Albany
I guess I do. I still have older men as friends who are of a generation that believe in living well and the finer things in life. However, they also talk about issues of mortality more and illnesses and either not wanting to live alone or being resigned to living alone and not being partnered. I think that I do have a couple of younger people in my life that kind of consider me a role model or with whom I placed myself in that position of being. I try to tell them that things are much better than what they used to be and I really do see that with time and experience, there is wisdom to impart about some of the things that I have learned as an older gay man and the mistakes that I have made and how to avoid them.

James, 43, Oakland
Veteran jazz singer/pianist Andy Bey is my role model. At 67, he has no intention of slowing down. He taught me that everything in your life should have purpose and meaning.

I have a friend who is 25 years old who looks up to be as a role model in some ways. I think he likes my spirit, energy and determination yet I look up to him for his energy and creativity. We inspire each other.

Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I run a black, gay male support group every week. I certainly hope that I am a role model to these young people. Every once in a while I’ll have the opportunity to converse with a gay senior and he’ll regale me with stories of what it was like growing up in the 50’s and 60’s. I’m riveted when I hear these stories. Although I have no specific senior role model, these intermittent interactions prove to be an asset to how I’m painting my future. I have become my own role model. I am living proof that working out regularly, regular check-ups, plenty of water, a healthy (not perfect) diet can be beneficial…both internally and externally.

Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Yeah there are some people close to my age and younger who do ‘look up to me’ for the work I do, and also I suppose for the way I conduct my life, and how I urge them to be more fearless. Makes me uncomfortable, since I know my own faults and limitations (I tell them to ‘aim higher’). My first partner is still around and there are some things about him that are role model like (but on the other hand he’s always been hyper-critical, not something I aspire to). I think of Baldwin, Hughes, and folks like Sir Ian McKellen as being role models of Older Gay-dom.

Are there things you are doing now to prepare yourself for old age? If you have a partner, how are the two of you preparing for old age?

Conrad, 43, Memphis
Just trying to make sure I have some kind of retirement plan and a little money in the bank and some good health insurance—all of which are precarious notions for all of us at this time as far as I’m concerned.

Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I’m saving money in mutual funds and paying off bills now, no partner at this time.

Bernard, 41, Atlanta
Savings, mainly.

John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
One of the things my partner and I have been discussing is how we will live out our elder years if we make it that far. We have begun investing money, we signed up as domestic partners (and are considering a civil union), and are also just thinking about things like where we will live if and when we retire and so forth.

George, 51, New York
I am trying to prepare to be in a space that is conducive for older people…not too many stairs or an option of an elevator. Prepare for retirement and taking care of myself. Maintaining old friends and being open to meeting new ones. Not being afraid to try new things and being open to the possibilities. Savoring my time and my desires.

Mark, 46, Harlem
I live my life one day at a time. I pray and meditate regularly. I try to workout three times a week. I eat healthy foods. I’m learning to relax. I’m taking business classes. I’m open to investing money wisely. I’m currently single.

David, 46, Harlem
I’m working on my debt problems, for in my youth I didn’t think I would live this long, so I’ve made some financial mistakes. As for my partner, we both maintain individual homes, for the simple fact of the matter is that we both had some previous “rocky” relationships, and this situation is working out for the two of us. Besides, we both share a relationship with God.

Robert, 40, San Francisco
I have done nothing beyond the legal aspect of growing older.

Cordell, 41, Albany
Naw, I haven’t really quite prepared for it. I have not yet gotten it stuck in my head that I am headed for senior citizenry! ? I have a couple of financial things that I’ve done that will mature when I do and I own a home, so that has become a worthwhile investment that I didn’t really think was when I first purchased it. I also seem to spend more money on the finer things in life as well, and use the excuse that I am buying nicer things now so that I will have them in my older age. ?

James, 43, Oakland
I want to have a long, productive life so I started working out with a trainer last summer. I felt like I was at a mid-point in my life and I need to make some changes in order to stay healthy. The progress is slow but it is happening. I just have to improve my eating habits. I am also taking swimming lessons and really enjoying them. I am improving my credit and trying to save more money. I am enjoying my life more. I am very careful about with whom I share my time and my heart. I am looking to advance my writing and photography to the next levels.

Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I am spiritually preparing for old age.

Reggie, 46, Baltimore
We’re still kids in a way, in that we are not thinking/talking about our old age/retirement. We should, I know, but….I want to think that we are starting to lay the foundation for our later years now — kinda late but better late than never.

Tomorrow, Part 11: Old, Not Dead

For more on this topic, see One More Battle from the Baltimore Sun.

Black Gay Men at Midlife – Part 9 of a series

If people in midlife can be made to feel isolated and invisible, imagine what gay senior citizens feel? But if the experiences of our group have proven anything, it’s that life isn’t over after 30, or 40, or even 50 and beyond. Just because the rest of society is fixated on youth doesn’t mean older people have gone anywhere.

While we may not have spent much time in our youth thinking about middle age, as midlifers there is a greater awareness of what lies ahead. Old age is not an abstract thought but inevitable. Conscious thoughts are now devoted to this final phase of life, thoughts not rooted in any longing for the past, but rather the sense that each day is to be cherished.

As we move into the last four parts of this series, we focus on how our men are preparing for the future.

Terms like “aging out” and “bitter old queen” are sometimes used to describe people who feel disconnected from their past gay community activities. Has this been your reality, and if so, in what ways?

Conrad, 43, Memphis
“Aging out” is new to me. “Bitter old queen” isn’t although I’ve heard the term “A bunch of cynical bitches” in reference to guys around my age. Yes I’m cynical to a certain degree, but not out of longing for the “old days”. I do find myself wondering more, “Will I die alone?” But the cynicism is much larger than me and how I feel. It’s the utter lack of identifying communities with which to relate. I will be honest, I do find a 50 year old queen in a halter top trying to pick up 17 year olds rather sobering and I want to divorce myself from that. I do understand older people better who are still around when most if not all of their contemporaries, family, friends and associates have died. I understand when they say, “I want to die.”

Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
Not my reality

Bernard, 41, Atlanta
No.

John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
Not at all.

George, 51, New York
The term “aging out” is familiar, as if I am too old and decrepit to socialize or be in the same room as younger gay men. I am often told that I don’t look my age but that does not prevent people from ignoring or dismissing me from events or activities.

Mark, 46, Harlem
No, this is not my reality. I’m unaware of the term “aging out.”

David, 46, Harlem
(no response)

Robert, 40, San Francisco
I don’t think so. I think I have moved on to other aspects of my life.

Cordell, 41, Albany
Yeah, sometimes I see how people have been given those titles now more than what I did previously. There is definitely a lot more to complain about because you wish that things were better. And you see that life is not fair for everyone. However, I still feel that it is important to belong to some kind of community and so I have not yet reached a point where I feel that I need to “disconnect” completely.

James, 43, Oakland
A few years ago, I attended the “At The Beach” event in Los Angeles for my first time. It was fun to see friends from near and far. It was great to see all the beautiful men and women too. An interesting thing happened while I was lying on the beach. A young man came past me a couple of times passing out flyers to select people. I realized that he was probably passing out flyers to a party that only the hard body men could attend. I did not feel aged out for I felt that if I had “the look” I would have been invited to the party no matter what age. That was the only circuit event that I have attended. I wished I had gone to D.C. over Memorial Day Weekend with my friends when I was younger. I would not go now not because of age. I am just in a different mindset.

Jaleel, 42, Decatur
This has not been my reality at all! I have, however heard these terms as they relate to black gay men that run certain organizations within the Atlanta area. I’m not sure if that’s the case or not, but it doesn’t matter to me. That is not my reality.

Reggie, 46, Baltimore
I’ve known some Bitter Queens in my day, and they could also be Bitter and Young just as easily as Bitter and Old. “Aging out” well, perhaps. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like there are a lot of venues for men at mid life. One of the attractions of Leather gatherings is that they seem to be primarily guys our age – it’s really wonderful.

How do you envision the next 20 years of your life?

Conrad, 43, Memphis
I don’t know. I’m too cynical an old bitch to envision anything beyond cynicism, but I do have my moments of thinking of a family and a life that I could find fulfilling.

Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I am more financially stable, a home owner, children whether adopted or natural, Good health, long-term relationship.

Bernard, 41, Atlanta
One or three homes; investment properties. Opening/running some kind of club or social venue. More travel, continentally and internationally. Resume writing. Delve more deeply into various media distribution outlets. Adopt 1-2 children.

John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I hope that my relationship continues and grows, that I can maintain my friendships and make new ones, that I continue to advance in my career and make contributions to my field, that I have the opportunity to be involved with other organizations that can serve
the needs of the Black gay community and other communities, and that I am healthy and able to enjoy the next 20 years.

George, 51, New York
I hope that my health holds up and I will be able to retire with a partner, socialize with friends and possibly write about the former years from a Black gay perspective. Not to be bitter but to let them know that there were many Black gay men involved in gay rights, HIV issues, policy and the arts…and everything good did not happen because of the white community. We made contributions and just did not have the same resources and support systems to get our projects discovered and embraced.

Mark, 46, Harlem
I feel the best is yet to come because now I know who I am! I spend less time pleasing others, regretting the past and/or worrying about what others think of me. I intend to be successful with my writing career, seek to travel out of the country and hopefully can spend quality time with my growing family.

David, 46, Harlem
If the cancer remains treatable, I plan on traveling with my nieces, nephews and God-children. I plan on living in Harlem. I would like to enter into the public school system in an administrative role, for I am concerned about the education of “our” youth.

Robert, 40, San Francisco
I see myself completing other goals.

Cordell, 41, Albany
In twenty years I will be in my early 60s, and I don’t see it being any easier than what it is now. Being over 40, I can now see that the older you become, the harder it is for gay people to have partnerships that they have not already established earlier. It’s still all about looks, age and economic status in this community and so, even though I hope to achieve some semblance of economic stability, I can see that it will be necessary in order to have a somewhat good life. I probably will end up spending some of it buying ass (smile). Also, I think about the fact that when I become older, I don’t have any offspring to depend upon to assist me with becoming older.

James, 43, Oakland
I want to be in good health, sexy (if only to me), retired, a homeowner, playing the piano, a couple of books of photography, still writing, and a nice man to keep me company. As the song says, “I want my dinner, some conversation, and loads of lovely love.

Jaleel, 42, Decatur
Oh, I am so excited about the next 20 years. I will be more elevated in spiritual consciousness and I will be a spiritual counselor for gay couples. I see myself with my partner (and our dog…perhaps, a kid or two). I see us in a house and planning our yearly vacation. I will have my own therapeutic practice and I will sit on the board of an AIDS Service Organization (if not running one myself).

Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Oh god! You mean the long slide to the grave….ROTFL! :-) I hope I get better, become even more the person I am supposed to be. I’ll have to take care of myself more than I do now (Ugh!) :-( but otherwise I don’t have a negative/dark view of the future.

Tomorrow, Part 10: Senior Life Planning