Entries from April 2007 ↓

Black Gay Men at Midlife � Part 11 of a series

Isolation is the enemy of old age. It isn�t that anyone wants to be cut off from other people, it�s just that sometimes circumstances intervene. Loss of existing friends due to illness or death, decreased physical mobility, fewer welcoming spaces or simply not having anyone around who shares your interests, can all contribute to a sense of feeling alone in our golden years.

Gay senior citizens are no different than anyone else in their desire to continue to �create family� around them for socializing and companionship. But it doesn�t necessarily get any easier. In Part 11, the group speculates on how that all might play out.

If you do not have a partner, do you think it will be possible to find someone as a senior citizen? Are you concerned about growing old alone?

Conrad, 43, Memphis
I don�t know. I wonder if I�d be too disenchanted with life to let anyone get close at such a late hour of life. Yes, I am concerned about growing old and alone and if anyone will be there to take care of me. I think about the man found recently in his home back off the road who�d been dead a year. He was found dead in his chair; had rotted. The mail was flowing out of his mailbox and so too his newspapers. No one stopped to ask or inquire, not even the neighbors. It makes me wonder how I will live and leave here at the last. And you fear being old and by yourself, full of regret over what you wanted and never had. I think it�s sad when love has become a rarity in our world. Or maybe it has always been this way.

Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
Growing old alone is a concern especially when it comes to medical decisions and nursing homes/assisted living as an out gay man. I am not aware of very many facilities that will cater to the elderly LGBT community.

Bernard, 41, Atlanta
Not thinking about it, or, in fact, very concerned about it. Not really.

John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
N/A

George, 51, New York
I believe that I am interesting and attractive and I (currently) have an active dating/sex life. However I do think I would like a partner to share more aspects of my life with. I don�t suffer fools so I am more discriminating in my choices but in some ways I�m more open to trying new things. I don�t want to grow older alone but if it happens I think/hope I�ll be OK, and will learn more about myself.

Mark, 46, Harlem
I think it�s possible, though not probable, to experience partnership as a senior citizen. My concerns about growing older alone have strengthened my faith in a loving God.

David, 46, Harlem
Yes, I have a partner. I also think it is hard nowadays to find someone, for most of my colleagues are JADED, BITTER and STILL RECOVERING FROM SO MUCH LOSS. I can empathize with the majority of them, too.

No, I�m not concerned, for I am good people; therefore, I�m sure I will attract good people to me.

Robert, 40, San Francisco
I am (at the moment) not worried about getting older and being single.

Cordell, 41, Albany
I am not partnered, but I am not yet really worried about not being so. I do think that as I become older and the wrinkles set in and I become more stuck in my ways that if I live alone for a long period of time, that it will be harder to share space with someone else. I am though concerned about friends who are in their 50s and 60s that live alone. I talk with them about it all the time and they tell me that it�s not too bad living alone, but I think they say that because they are resigned to living that way and have become used to it. They dress it up with loving themselves more and not having to answer to anyone else about their comings and goings, but sometimes, when they are stuck in situations where they have no one to depend upon but friends, I can hear and sometimes sense the loneliness and fear.

James, 43, Oakland
That is a good question. In my forties, it is quite a challenge finding someone. More than worrying about being alone, I worry about not being open to a relationship as I get older. I worry that I will keep my defenses up so high that I will not be accessible. The lies and games seem to get worse with every year. I no longer dream of the big fairy tale romances. I just want someone special to share my heart with and hopefully, I will not be too jaded. ?

Jaleel, 42, Decatur
It�s funny because I �live for� the Golden Girls. This groundbreaking show has demonstrated that life is not over as a senior. I will be able to date and have sex and love. I intend to be like fine wine. I will not look my age, and I will taste divine!

There are times I think about what life will be like if I�m alone�but I don�t intend to be alone. I know some people will read this and think that I�m living in a fantasy world. I subscribe to the saying that: ��what�s true for you, is true for you�� I know, for example, that whatever I hold in my mind, in my consciousness will come to fruition. If this is not true for some nay-Sayers, then it won�t come to fruition�and in 20 years they�ll be saying the same things, �..there are no good guys in Atlanta� or ��no one wants me because I�m too old��I don�t ever intend to sing that song.

Reggie, 46, Baltimore
N/A

What do you think your social life will be like as you age? Do you envision having any regular interaction with gay people who are younger than you? Will that be important or unimportant to you?

Conrad, 43, Memphis
I expect my social life will diminish as it is now. I don�t know if I�d have much interaction with gay people who are younger. I don�t know if I�d want to have any interaction. I don�t know if it�d be important. Would they want anything to do with me an older black gay man? Will they fear the truth that I will represent before their very eyes? It�s not like the older black gay men around me are a shining example of aging with grace. They�re aging like fools to me. And that�s my judgment.

Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I will be important in the passing on of information that will make their lives better. I’m generally not interested in younger men for dating and as I get older I feel it would not be an equal playing field therefore I want to avoid that problem by being financially stable with a partner and other life options that will ensure my happiness.

Bernard, 41, Atlanta
Unconcerned. Yes. Moderately important. Still hope to mentor young gay people, male and female, as I get older.

John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I hope that I continue to have interactions with gay people of all ages–younger, older, and in my peer group. This is very important to me.

George, 51, New York
I hope to keep an active social life, still visiting people, having dates (not necessarily romantic but interesting), going out and doing things with people I enjoy. I have some younger gay people who keep in touch so I believe that I will have interaction with the younger gay community. I do think it will be important, because I want to see the changes that are going on in the gay community, not just from an observer perspective but also from those who are on the front lines.

Mark, 46, Harlem
My social calendar is proportionate to the people I interact with regularly. I like meeting new people (until they piss me off) and hope we can learn from each other as I age. I�m not sure if and/or how much I�ll socialize with younger men. I seek caring, genuine souls with like-minded interests.

David, 46, Harlem
Actually, I have tried my hand in radio, and was very disappointed that I was still facing racism among my white, gay colleagues even in the 21st Century. Which is one reason that I have carried the torch for this gay marriage issue, for I think the majority of those who will benefit from it is the white, gay community. So I am very pro-active in creating spaces/community for Black, Gay, Transgender, Bi and Lesbian youth and adults to interact, among their straight supporters. I am thinking on creating a MNN cable program that would incorporate a cultural and social venue for this group of people.

Robert, 40, San Francisco
I think I will keep the few friends I have and spend time with them as they age. I don’t envision having interaction with younger gay people.

Cordell, 41, Albany
I am more willing to make myself available to younger people than what I was a decade ago. I sometimes don�t have the tolerance that�s needed to listen to some of the issues that they are experiencing, but I am developing the willingness to learn. I think that my social life might be similar to the guys who I see sitting on barstools with other men their age oggling young guys and flaunting their financial security like oasis to men in a desert because they tend to get overlooked quicker or don�t have anything else to rely upon to attract other men. Finally, it is important that I am able to continue to establish relationships with younger men and pass on some of what I received when I was younger.

James, 43, Oakland
I think I will have a good social life as I age. I am very careful about the people I choose as friends. When you are younger, you worry about knowing the right people and going to the right parties. If you are smart, you set your own rules and live your life on your own terms. You learn that being different is your way of life and it is okay to not follow the crowd. I will definitely interact with younger and older gay people. I strongly believe that there is something to be learned from everyone.

Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I�m not sure if I�ll interact with younger people as I continue to age. I like the idea of growing older with my peers and having life experiences in common with each other. I don�t necessarily want to be out at the clubs or at the malls, for example, with young people now so I don�t imagine I�ll want to do that when I�m in my 50�s and 60�s. Much like the Golden Girls I will have an active life right up until I die. When I was living in DC, there were weekly discussion groups for gay men over 40. This was necessary because they forged friendships out of those meetings. I remember seeing (at the time I wasn�t allowed into those groups) several men in their late 50�s and 60�s (one man in particular told us he was close to 80). These were vibrant men who had something to say. I intend to be one of those vibrant, active, still good-looking men. There are groups now, here in Atlanta, that I�m looking at becoming part of particularly because of the age factor. This all excites me. And what doesn�t exist at that time, I will create.

Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Probably social life ‘outside’ will become increasingly smaller — fewer bars and clubs, more time with friends.

I do hope to be able to be around younger gay people in some capacity. Dreaming of being a mentor/resource.

Tomorrow, Part 12: The series concludes.

Black Gay Men at Midlife � Part 10 of a series

Because of the unique nature of our lives, it is imperative that lesbians and gays create a plan for old age. Unlike most heterosexuals, there are typically no children to take care of us should we grow too old to live alone. Being single may have worked fine in your 20s and 30s, but at 60 or 70, that could leave you isolated and at the mercy of professional caregivers who may or may not be accepting of our sexual orientation.

Financial and estate planning, health care proxies and legal protections for the transfer of property�many of the things straight people are afforded just by having the right to marry�are all necessary particularly if a gay couple has shared their life together.

While it is never too early to plan, midlifers especially think about such things. Old age is in sight. What is less obvious however are visible symbols of senior gay life to guide us.

In Part 10, the guys share more thoughts on the years ahead.

Do you have any role models for how to live a quality life as a gay senior citizen? Does anyone consider you a role model now? If so, how?

Conrad, 43, Memphis
No I don�t have any models. I think there are those who consider me a model. But how painful it is to be a model and have none. It�s a huge responsibility and a disorienting burden.

Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I�m considered a role model because despite being gay I do not limit my ambitions and I daresay that younger gay men see the possibilities of achievement.

Bernard, 41, Atlanta
Honestly, no. I assume yes; that would be my �gay sons,� who often turn to me for advice or, as I admonish them to do, pay attention to my mistakes and not repeat them.

John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I have a few models; one friend is now in his mid 50s, and has been in a committed relationship for many years. I think the world of him, and consider him a partial role model; I have other people I admire, including a writer who has been a real supporter, who is in his 60s, is out and gay, and sets an incredible example. I think there are younger gay men who do consider me a role model, and as I noted above, I try to be supportive of what they’re doing with their lives. That support, I know, is invaluable.

George, 51, New York
Many of my role models are my contemporaries who are still active in their lives. I respect the fact that many guys still want to date, and be sexy, and flirt and be very much apart of the living and not thinking about dying. There are a few older gay men I know that are still active but more of them are becoming more settled in their lives and routines and starting to feel/act old. In terms of a role model, I have heard that from some people but I try not to let it go to my head. I prefer to be a mentor to younger folks and share my perspectives and realities and hopefully they will gain from my mistakes, challenges and lessons.

Mark, 46, Harlem
Senior homosexual role models are non-existent in my life, which is sad to say, though there are a few men whom I admire, care for and respect immensely. I currently serve as a mentor to a young, heterosexual, Black male. We connected in the summer of 2002 and he sees me as his big brother.

David, 46, Harlem
Yes, I have a Dean of a medical school and her partner. I also know of a male couple, who have been together for twenty years, and have adopted four children. I also know of another male couple with their grandchildren, and my best friend, a single parent with his two teenage children.

Robert, 40, San Francisco
I can’t think of any off the top of my head. Maybe. I know this young man who works near my place of residence and I would often see him and try to encourage him to continue his education. He was glad to tell me that he went back to school. I hope I help in some small way.

Cordell, 41, Albany
I guess I do. I still have older men as friends who are of a generation that believe in living well and the finer things in life. However, they also talk about issues of mortality more and illnesses and either not wanting to live alone or being resigned to living alone and not being partnered. I think that I do have a couple of younger people in my life that kind of consider me a role model or with whom I placed myself in that position of being. I try to tell them that things are much better than what they used to be and I really do see that with time and experience, there is wisdom to impart about some of the things that I have learned as an older gay man and the mistakes that I have made and how to avoid them.

James, 43, Oakland
Veteran jazz singer/pianist Andy Bey is my role model. At 67, he has no intention of slowing down. He taught me that everything in your life should have purpose and meaning.

I have a friend who is 25 years old who looks up to be as a role model in some ways. I think he likes my spirit, energy and determination yet I look up to him for his energy and creativity. We inspire each other.

Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I run a black, gay male support group every week. I certainly hope that I am a role model to these young people. Every once in a while I�ll have the opportunity to converse with a gay senior and he�ll regale me with stories of what it was like growing up in the 50�s and 60�s. I�m riveted when I hear these stories. Although I have no specific senior role model, these intermittent interactions prove to be an asset to how I�m painting my future. I have become my own role model. I am living proof that working out regularly, regular check-ups, plenty of water, a healthy (not perfect) diet can be beneficial�both internally and externally.

Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Yeah there are some people close to my age and younger who do ‘look up to me’ for the work I do, and also I suppose for the way I conduct my life, and how I urge them to be more fearless. Makes me uncomfortable, since I know my own faults and limitations (I tell them to ‘aim higher’). My first partner is still around and there are some things about him that are role model like (but on the other hand he’s always been hyper-critical, not something I aspire to). I think of Baldwin, Hughes, and folks like Sir Ian McKellen as being role models of Older Gay-dom.

Are there things you are doing now to prepare yourself for old age? If you have a partner, how are the two of you preparing for old age?

Conrad, 43, Memphis
Just trying to make sure I have some kind of retirement plan and a little money in the bank and some good health insurance�all of which are precarious notions for all of us at this time as far as I�m concerned.

Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I’m saving money in mutual funds and paying off bills now, no partner at this time.

Bernard, 41, Atlanta
Savings, mainly.

John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
One of the things my partner and I have been discussing is how we will live out our elder years if we make it that far. We have begun investing money, we signed up as domestic partners (and are considering a civil union), and are also just thinking about things like where we will live if and when we retire and so forth.

George, 51, New York
I am trying to prepare to be in a space that is conducive for older people�not too many stairs or an option of an elevator. Prepare for retirement and taking care of myself. Maintaining old friends and being open to meeting new ones. Not being afraid to try new things and being open to the possibilities. Savoring my time and my desires.

Mark, 46, Harlem
I live my life one day at a time. I pray and meditate regularly. I try to workout three times a week. I eat healthy foods. I�m learning to relax. I�m taking business classes. I�m open to investing money wisely. I�m currently single.

David, 46, Harlem
I�m working on my debt problems, for in my youth I didn�t think I would live this long, so I�ve made some financial mistakes. As for my partner, we both maintain individual homes, for the simple fact of the matter is that we both had some previous �rocky� relationships, and this situation is working out for the two of us. Besides, we both share a relationship with God.

Robert, 40, San Francisco
I have done nothing beyond the legal aspect of growing older.

Cordell, 41, Albany
Naw, I haven�t really quite prepared for it. I have not yet gotten it stuck in my head that I am headed for senior citizenry! ? I have a couple of financial things that I�ve done that will mature when I do and I own a home, so that has become a worthwhile investment that I didn�t really think was when I first purchased it. I also seem to spend more money on the finer things in life as well, and use the excuse that I am buying nicer things now so that I will have them in my older age. ?

James, 43, Oakland
I want to have a long, productive life so I started working out with a trainer last summer. I felt like I was at a mid-point in my life and I need to make some changes in order to stay healthy. The progress is slow but it is happening. I just have to improve my eating habits. I am also taking swimming lessons and really enjoying them. I am improving my credit and trying to save more money. I am enjoying my life more. I am very careful about with whom I share my time and my heart. I am looking to advance my writing and photography to the next levels.

Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I am spiritually preparing for old age.

Reggie, 46, Baltimore
We’re still kids in a way, in that we are not thinking/talking about our old age/retirement. We should, I know, but….I want to think that we are starting to lay the foundation for our later years now — kinda late but better late than never.

Tomorrow, Part 11: Old, Not Dead

For more on this topic, see One More Battle from the Baltimore Sun.

Black Gay Men at Midlife � Part 9 of a series

If people in midlife can be made to feel isolated and invisible, imagine what gay senior citizens feel? But if the experiences of our group have proven anything, it�s that life isn�t over after 30, or 40, or even 50 and beyond. Just because the rest of society is fixated on youth doesn�t mean older people have gone anywhere.

While we may not have spent much time in our youth thinking about middle age, as midlifers there is a greater awareness of what lies ahead. Old age is not an abstract thought but inevitable. Conscious thoughts are now devoted to this final phase of life, thoughts not rooted in any longing for the past, but rather the sense that each day is to be cherished.

As we move into the last four parts of this series, we focus on how our men are preparing for the future.

Terms like �aging out� and �bitter old queen� are sometimes used to describe people who feel disconnected from their past gay community activities. Has this been your reality, and if so, in what ways?

Conrad, 43, Memphis
�Aging out� is new to me. �Bitter old queen� isn�t although I�ve heard the term �A bunch of cynical bitches� in reference to guys around my age. Yes I�m cynical to a certain degree, but not out of longing for the �old days�. I do find myself wondering more, �Will I die alone?� But the cynicism is much larger than me and how I feel. It�s the utter lack of identifying communities with which to relate. I will be honest, I do find a 50 year old queen in a halter top trying to pick up 17 year olds rather sobering and I want to divorce myself from that. I do understand older people better who are still around when most if not all of their contemporaries, family, friends and associates have died. I understand when they say, �I want to die.�

Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
Not my reality

Bernard, 41, Atlanta
No.

John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
Not at all.

George, 51, New York
The term �aging out� is familiar, as if I am too old and decrepit to socialize or be in the same room as younger gay men. I am often told that I don�t look my age but that does not prevent people from ignoring or dismissing me from events or activities.

Mark, 46, Harlem
No, this is not my reality. I�m unaware of the term �aging out.�

David, 46, Harlem
(no response)

Robert, 40, San Francisco
I don’t think so. I think I have moved on to other aspects of my life.

Cordell, 41, Albany
Yeah, sometimes I see how people have been given those titles now more than what I did previously. There is definitely a lot more to complain about because you wish that things were better. And you see that life is not fair for everyone. However, I still feel that it is important to belong to some kind of community and so I have not yet reached a point where I feel that I need to �disconnect� completely.

James, 43, Oakland
A few years ago, I attended the �At The Beach� event in Los Angeles for my first time. It was fun to see friends from near and far. It was great to see all the beautiful men and women too. An interesting thing happened while I was lying on the beach. A young man came past me a couple of times passing out flyers to select people. I realized that he was probably passing out flyers to a party that only the hard body men could attend. I did not feel aged out for I felt that if I had �the look� I would have been invited to the party no matter what age. That was the only circuit event that I have attended. I wished I had gone to D.C. over Memorial Day Weekend with my friends when I was younger. I would not go now not because of age. I am just in a different mindset.

Jaleel, 42, Decatur
This has not been my reality at all! I have, however heard these terms as they relate to black gay men that run certain organizations within the Atlanta area. I�m not sure if that�s the case or not, but it doesn�t matter to me. That is not my reality.

Reggie, 46, Baltimore
I’ve known some Bitter Queens in my day, and they could also be Bitter and Young just as easily as Bitter and Old. �Aging out” well, perhaps. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like there are a lot of venues for men at mid life. One of the attractions of Leather gatherings is that they seem to be primarily guys our age � it�s really wonderful.

How do you envision the next 20 years of your life?

Conrad, 43, Memphis
I don�t know. I�m too cynical an old bitch to envision anything beyond cynicism, but I do have my moments of thinking of a family and a life that I could find fulfilling.

Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I am more financially stable, a home owner, children whether adopted or natural, Good health, long-term relationship.

Bernard, 41, Atlanta
One or three homes; investment properties. Opening/running some kind of club or social venue. More travel, continentally and internationally. Resume writing. Delve more deeply into various media distribution outlets. Adopt 1-2 children.

John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I hope that my relationship continues and grows, that I can maintain my friendships and make new ones, that I continue to advance in my career and make contributions to my field, that I have the opportunity to be involved with other organizations that can serve
the needs of the Black gay community and other communities, and that I am healthy and able to enjoy the next 20 years.

George, 51, New York
I hope that my health holds up and I will be able to retire with a partner, socialize with friends and possibly write about the former years from a Black gay perspective. Not to be bitter but to let them know that there were many Black gay men involved in gay rights, HIV issues, policy and the arts�and everything good did not happen because of the white community. We made contributions and just did not have the same resources and support systems to get our projects discovered and embraced.

Mark, 46, Harlem
I feel the best is yet to come because now I know who I am! I spend less time pleasing others, regretting the past and/or worrying about what others think of me. I intend to be successful with my writing career, seek to travel out of the country and hopefully can spend quality time with my growing family.

David, 46, Harlem
If the cancer remains treatable, I plan on traveling with my nieces, nephews and God-children. I plan on living in Harlem. I would like to enter into the public school system in an administrative role, for I am concerned about the education of �our� youth.

Robert, 40, San Francisco
I see myself completing other goals.

Cordell, 41, Albany
In twenty years I will be in my early 60s, and I don�t see it being any easier than what it is now. Being over 40, I can now see that the older you become, the harder it is for gay people to have partnerships that they have not already established earlier. It�s still all about looks, age and economic status in this community and so, even though I hope to achieve some semblance of economic stability, I can see that it will be necessary in order to have a somewhat good life. I probably will end up spending some of it buying ass (smile). Also, I think about the fact that when I become older, I don�t have any offspring to depend upon to assist me with becoming older.

James, 43, Oakland
I want to be in good health, sexy (if only to me), retired, a homeowner, playing the piano, a couple of books of photography, still writing, and a nice man to keep me company. As the song says, �I want my dinner, some conversation, and loads of lovely love.

Jaleel, 42, Decatur
Oh, I am so excited about the next 20 years. I will be more elevated in spiritual consciousness and I will be a spiritual counselor for gay couples. I see myself with my partner (and our dog�perhaps, a kid or two). I see us in a house and planning our yearly vacation. I will have my own therapeutic practice and I will sit on the board of an AIDS Service Organization (if not running one myself).

Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Oh god! You mean the long slide to the grave….ROTFL! :-) I hope I get better, become even more the person I am supposed to be. I’ll have to take care of myself more than I do now (Ugh!) :-( but otherwise I don’t have a negative/dark view of the future.

Tomorrow, Part 10: Senior Life Planning

Black Gay Men at Midlife � Part 8 of a series

It is not uncommon in the gay community for many people to grow up feeling emotional distance, if not in fact alienation and abandonment, from their biological families. In order to establish some kind of support network, they may consciously choose with whom they associate, creating �family� out of friends. However unlike biological families where ages range from grandparents to parents to children, these created families may have a sameness in age or gender that, while supportive, shuts one off from valuable knowledge. Wisdom ordinarily passed down from elders may not happen if there is no interaction across generational lines.

Middle age is the �bridge� period between seniors and young adults, with both learning and teaching opportunities if such relationships exist. If not, history may simply repeat itself from each generation to the next.

In Part 8, the men close out discussion of their lives today.

Discuss the nature and quality of any interaction you may have with gay men either younger or older.

Conrad, 43, Memphis
The nature of my interaction with gay men is almost null and void except for the occasional meeting of a guy on the street or in academia. The ones in academia ranged from just young to older guys who are afraid of their own sexual shadow so I give them a lot of room. The quality of the interactions is usually poor across the board. Young guys either haven�t fully recognized and acknowledged their sexuality and the older ones (around my age) are terrified of somebody knowing they like men�and don�t even mention the married ones. For those young or old who are acknowledging their sexuality, there is a certain cynicism that you find hard to scale to get to know them. And I�m so much less patient with the bullshit of closetness. I just told a guy to leave me alone because his being in the closet (and everybody knows mind you) is about who saw you standing there talking with me etc. etc. I can�t be bothered with that kind of drama anymore. I told him to not speak to me. He felt like speaking was a �common courtesy� since we had to be around each other at work. I don�t. I don�t want to speak. I don�t want to look at him. He can go to�his work station! There�s nothing common about dismissing someone�s humanity because you�re afraid that everybody knows you�re a punk (and it�s a secret to nobody but him). I�m getting too old to be bothered with that kind of drama.

Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I am more of a mentor to younger gay men and am often not attracted to them. Men older than me are interesting and I feel younger in their presence. Slowly but surely thy have become dateable in my eyes because it seems to make more sense to date men within my age range.

Bernard, 41, Atlanta
Previous answers fall into this category.

John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
It varies. I do have several younger gay male friends whom I mentor and offer support to. I want to see them succeed in their lives, and I know how hard life is for us. In terms of my peers, I aim very hard to maintain my friendships and be a good friend. With
older friends, I see them less frequently, but I do try to maintain those friendships as well, because I think they’re very important.

George, 51, New York
There are few older gay men I socialize with but those who I do have embraced me as an elder in some respects and a youngster in other ways. As I mentioned earlier, I also tend to mentor many younger gay men about being an activist, living your life publicly and balancing the state of their personal relationships.

Mark, 46, Harlem
Lately my experiences have been rewarding. I feel a sense of responsibility, along with the need to mentor younger men. I�m slowly allowing myself permission to feel attracted to and interact with men older than myself.

David, 46, Harlem
As for young, gay men, I don�t have any interaction, which is a loss for them. For I�m a teacher by nature, and like Countee Cullen�s and James Baldwin�s relationship I would like to become a mentor. But I think the media, hip-hop industry and the unspoken truth and trust surrounding AIDS today, like yesterday has built a huge wall between �us� and �them�.

As for the older, gay men in my life, I occasionally will attend a movie opening with them, but usually I don�t have any contact with them.

Robert, 40, San Francisco
If I encounter other gay men I try to make sure I am comfortable with the individual. Perhaps that happens only with observation.

Cordell, 41, Albany
I now have both younger and older friends who I socialize with. However, I now feel that I am of the age where I can possibly mentor younger men and share with them my experiences and help them along the way (once the attraction diminishes!) Also, I now see older men more as peers than as role models.

James, 43, Oakland
I am an old soul by nature so I have always enjoyed being around older gay men. I love their wisdom and life stories. We do not interact as much these days because of our schedules. They are a bit more stayed than I am. They go to church on Sunday, nice dinners, and quaint little social gatherings. They enjoy their lives and are much more laid back than me. I will often hear from them when they need to find out who is playing where and when because they know I will know.

I enjoy the vibrant energy and creativity of my younger friends. In some cases, they are doing things that I wished that I had done when I was their age. I provide them wisdom and encouragement without being preachy or overbearing.

Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I love my interactions with my gay brothers. I love my interactions because I know that I�m supposed to teach them something and learn something from them. My best friend and I, for example, used to argue all the time. We�ve certainly mellowed with age. We don�t argue any more. This doesn�t mean that we agree on every issue, we just accept each other for who the other is. Although the younger generation is undeniably gorgeous, I�d much rather teach them, than sleep with them. Often times it seems that our worlds are so different as it relates to life-long partnerships, and the use of the �N� word, and the provocative lyrics in today�s rap music and negotiating revealing clothing�but we are all the same on the inside and that�s the side that�s most important to me. I�m interested in healing us from the inside, out.

Reggie, 46, Baltimore
I’m much more comfortable around other older gay men now. Part of that HAS to be just the joy in seeing someone my age, since so many of the people we came up with are no longer with us. I have some interaction with younger people, but for the most part I look at them like a bewildered parent: We went through what we went through so you could act/dress/be like that!?!

Part of me wishes I could impart some ‘wisdom’ to the younger generation…but I honestly am not sure what I would say (Be yourself? Stop trying to imitate someone else vision of you?) I’m also not sure they would listen.

What are some of the best and worst aspects of being gay and the age you are now?

Conrad, 43, Memphis
The loneliness is sometimes almost unbearable. The lack of imagination with so many guys who think gay is a synonym for fuck and the level of fear with so many guys my age who are afraid to say, �Good evening� for fear people will know their �business� is beyond tragic. And I have even less patience for the guys who give you a whole litany of things not to do or say around common acquaintances because those people might find out their business. I mean almost 50 years old and you�re afraid your Mama will have a heart attack if she knows the truth and you move to have some freedom. Hopeless!

Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I’m smarter, I have more options financially and emotionally to cope with the stressors of aging, health, etc.

Bernard, 41, Atlanta
BEST: Complete disinterest in �looking� for a lover or life partner; lack of concern regarding internecine politics within and among Black gay peoples; taking a more balanced approach to life and my various interests in general.

WORST: Folks are doing the same things now they were 20+ years ago when I �officially� came out. Same script, different cast. In other words, they bore me.

John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I don’t see many bad aspects. I’m 41 going on 42, and I feel this is one of the best times of my life. Despite the many horrors out there in our society, I think things are changing, on the social level, for the better as the younger generations age, and I believe full social equality, at least in the legal sense, is on the horizon, for Black and gay people.

George, 51, New York
The best aspects are having a real sense of self. Being comfortable in my skin and not really concerned what most people think or say about me. I�m not sure if it�s the worst but dating and going out is very challenging. There are few places that men over fifty socialize without feeling like we are preying on younger men. Some places the young guys think that you should cater to them just because they are young or they try to make you feel inferior or strange for being in a space that they congregate in.

Mark, 46, Harlem
I sometimes feel invisible, marginalized and neglected at my age. Younger guys tell me I �look good� for my age. After the initial sting, I laugh because I used to say the same thing when I was their age. No matter how often I workout, my body is weary. I feel good, yet know I�m closer to 50 than 40. I�ve never felt the sense of freedom, happiness and joy I have in my life today. I�m used to living with a partner or friend. I�ve lived alone almost 12 years now. I answer to no one. I come and go as I please: what a blessing! I feel I�ve been given an opportunity to re-live my childhood, only now with greater awareness.

David, 46, Harlem
Well now at the age of 46, I�m focused more on my health, housing and retirement, family and extended family interaction. Therefore the best part about it is that I�m here, and that my family and friends did not have to endure watching me succumb to AIDS, but I am also a two time cancer survivor, so I am taking life a little more easier.

I also returned back to graduate school, and may be planning to enter Law School.

The worst part is that I do enjoy dancing, and going out, but times have changed across the board, and I prefer small gatherings at home.

Robert, 40, San Francisco
The best aspect I can think of is, I can look back and know what I want and what I don’t need in my life.

Cordell, 41, Albany
The best aspect is no longer needing to hide your sexuality to others. The worst is HIV/AIDS still has a very definitive role in sexual interactions.

James, 43, Oakland
I love being the age I am right now. I am awestruck by the goals I have accomplished and the fact that there is so much more I want to do. I get lonely at times but I know in time I will have someone special in my life that is local. My lonely is different in that it is the desire to share the special moments in my life with someone who can appreciate them just as much as I do. The physical loneliness is much easier to fill than the emotional.

A challenge that I found is that once you have been typecast in the gay life, it sticks, and people do not acknowledge that you have grown. My nature is very maternal and nurturing so I was called mama or Mama Knox when I was in my 30�s. It was cute for a time but eventually it got old and I found it very hard for people to stop addressing me in that manner. It is not like I am trying to be big, bad, and butch but I am a man and want to be treated that way. Being able to make a good cake is a great skill but it does not always get you many dates.

Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I can�t say that there is anything about being gay that is bad for me right now in my life. I love and embrace all aspects of this lifestyle. I love the fact that I can visualize living with my partner and getting married. I love that I am able to forgive in a way that was completely foreign to me at one point in my life. I love my ability to discern genuine friendships. And �yes� I even love the fact that 20 year olds still try to hit on me�LOL!

Here�s the deal: I only recognize and feed LOVE. When we feed things, they grow�positive or not so positive. If I want love to grow in the community then I can�t criticize. I must be love and love will surely grow.

Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Best: Deeper, closer, ‘real’ friendships. A certain calmness that comes from having ‘made it through’ and/or ’seen it all before.’

Worse: The body slowly betrays you, doesn’t it? :-)

BTW: It doesn’t bother me that I’m ‘not on the market’ in the sense of being/looking like the slim hairless young things everyone is supposed to lust after. I recognize that as fantasy/advertising, and it doesn’t phase me or change my notions/acceptance of who I am.

Tomorrow, Part 9: Preparing for Old Age