Black Gay Men at Midlife – Part 11 of a series
Isolation is the enemy of old age. It isn’t that anyone wants to be cut off from other people, it’s just that sometimes circumstances intervene. Loss of existing friends due to illness or death, decreased physical mobility, fewer welcoming spaces or simply not having anyone around who shares your interests, can all contribute to a sense of feeling alone in our golden years.
Gay senior citizens are no different than anyone else in their desire to continue to “create family” around them for socializing and companionship. But it doesn’t necessarily get any easier. In Part 11, the group speculates on how that all might play out.
If you do not have a partner, do you think it will be possible to find someone as a senior citizen? Are you concerned about growing old alone?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
I don’t know. I wonder if I’d be too disenchanted with life to let anyone get close at such a late hour of life. Yes, I am concerned about growing old and alone and if anyone will be there to take care of me. I think about the man found recently in his home back off the road who’d been dead a year. He was found dead in his chair; had rotted. The mail was flowing out of his mailbox and so too his newspapers. No one stopped to ask or inquire, not even the neighbors. It makes me wonder how I will live and leave here at the last. And you fear being old and by yourself, full of regret over what you wanted and never had. I think it’s sad when love has become a rarity in our world. Or maybe it has always been this way.
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
Growing old alone is a concern especially when it comes to medical decisions and nursing homes/assisted living as an out gay man. I am not aware of very many facilities that will cater to the elderly LGBT community.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
Not thinking about it, or, in fact, very concerned about it. Not really.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
N/A
George, 51, New York
I believe that I am interesting and attractive and I (currently) have an active dating/sex life. However I do think I would like a partner to share more aspects of my life with. I don’t suffer fools so I am more discriminating in my choices but in some ways I’m more open to trying new things. I don’t want to grow older alone but if it happens I think/hope I’ll be OK, and will learn more about myself.
Mark, 46, Harlem
I think it’s possible, though not probable, to experience partnership as a senior citizen. My concerns about growing older alone have strengthened my faith in a loving God.
David, 46, Harlem
Yes, I have a partner. I also think it is hard nowadays to find someone, for most of my colleagues are JADED, BITTER and STILL RECOVERING FROM SO MUCH LOSS. I can empathize with the majority of them, too.
No, I’m not concerned, for I am good people; therefore, I’m sure I will attract good people to me.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
I am (at the moment) not worried about getting older and being single.
Cordell, 41, Albany
I am not partnered, but I am not yet really worried about not being so. I do think that as I become older and the wrinkles set in and I become more stuck in my ways that if I live alone for a long period of time, that it will be harder to share space with someone else. I am though concerned about friends who are in their 50s and 60s that live alone. I talk with them about it all the time and they tell me that it’s not too bad living alone, but I think they say that because they are resigned to living that way and have become used to it. They dress it up with loving themselves more and not having to answer to anyone else about their comings and goings, but sometimes, when they are stuck in situations where they have no one to depend upon but friends, I can hear and sometimes sense the loneliness and fear.
James, 43, Oakland
That is a good question. In my forties, it is quite a challenge finding someone. More than worrying about being alone, I worry about not being open to a relationship as I get older. I worry that I will keep my defenses up so high that I will not be accessible. The lies and games seem to get worse with every year. I no longer dream of the big fairy tale romances. I just want someone special to share my heart with and hopefully, I will not be too jaded. ?
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
It’s funny because I ‘live for’ the Golden Girls. This groundbreaking show has demonstrated that life is not over as a senior. I will be able to date and have sex and love. I intend to be like fine wine. I will not look my age, and I will taste divine!
There are times I think about what life will be like if I’m alone…but I don’t intend to be alone. I know some people will read this and think that I’m living in a fantasy world. I subscribe to the saying that: “…what’s true for you, is true for you…” I know, for example, that whatever I hold in my mind, in my consciousness will come to fruition. If this is not true for some nay-Sayers, then it won’t come to fruition…and in 20 years they’ll be saying the same things, “..there are no good guys in Atlanta” or “…no one wants me because I’m too old…”I don’t ever intend to sing that song.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
N/A
What do you think your social life will be like as you age? Do you envision having any regular interaction with gay people who are younger than you? Will that be important or unimportant to you?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
I expect my social life will diminish as it is now. I don’t know if I’d have much interaction with gay people who are younger. I don’t know if I’d want to have any interaction. I don’t know if it’d be important. Would they want anything to do with me an older black gay man? Will they fear the truth that I will represent before their very eyes? It’s not like the older black gay men around me are a shining example of aging with grace. They’re aging like fools to me. And that’s my judgment.
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I will be important in the passing on of information that will make their lives better. I’m generally not interested in younger men for dating and as I get older I feel it would not be an equal playing field therefore I want to avoid that problem by being financially stable with a partner and other life options that will ensure my happiness.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
Unconcerned. Yes. Moderately important. Still hope to mentor young gay people, male and female, as I get older.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I hope that I continue to have interactions with gay people of all ages–younger, older, and in my peer group. This is very important to me.
George, 51, New York
I hope to keep an active social life, still visiting people, having dates (not necessarily romantic but interesting), going out and doing things with people I enjoy. I have some younger gay people who keep in touch so I believe that I will have interaction with the younger gay community. I do think it will be important, because I want to see the changes that are going on in the gay community, not just from an observer perspective but also from those who are on the front lines.
Mark, 46, Harlem
My social calendar is proportionate to the people I interact with regularly. I like meeting new people (until they piss me off) and hope we can learn from each other as I age. I’m not sure if and/or how much I’ll socialize with younger men. I seek caring, genuine souls with like-minded interests.
David, 46, Harlem
Actually, I have tried my hand in radio, and was very disappointed that I was still facing racism among my white, gay colleagues even in the 21st Century. Which is one reason that I have carried the torch for this gay marriage issue, for I think the majority of those who will benefit from it is the white, gay community. So I am very pro-active in creating spaces/community for Black, Gay, Transgender, Bi and Lesbian youth and adults to interact, among their straight supporters. I am thinking on creating a MNN cable program that would incorporate a cultural and social venue for this group of people.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
I think I will keep the few friends I have and spend time with them as they age. I don’t envision having interaction with younger gay people.
Cordell, 41, Albany
I am more willing to make myself available to younger people than what I was a decade ago. I sometimes don’t have the tolerance that’s needed to listen to some of the issues that they are experiencing, but I am developing the willingness to learn. I think that my social life might be similar to the guys who I see sitting on barstools with other men their age oggling young guys and flaunting their financial security like oasis to men in a desert because they tend to get overlooked quicker or don’t have anything else to rely upon to attract other men. Finally, it is important that I am able to continue to establish relationships with younger men and pass on some of what I received when I was younger.
James, 43, Oakland
I think I will have a good social life as I age. I am very careful about the people I choose as friends. When you are younger, you worry about knowing the right people and going to the right parties. If you are smart, you set your own rules and live your life on your own terms. You learn that being different is your way of life and it is okay to not follow the crowd. I will definitely interact with younger and older gay people. I strongly believe that there is something to be learned from everyone.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I’m not sure if I’ll interact with younger people as I continue to age. I like the idea of growing older with my peers and having life experiences in common with each other. I don’t necessarily want to be out at the clubs or at the malls, for example, with young people now so I don’t imagine I’ll want to do that when I’m in my 50’s and 60’s. Much like the Golden Girls I will have an active life right up until I die. When I was living in DC, there were weekly discussion groups for gay men over 40. This was necessary because they forged friendships out of those meetings. I remember seeing (at the time I wasn’t allowed into those groups) several men in their late 50’s and 60’s (one man in particular told us he was close to 80). These were vibrant men who had something to say. I intend to be one of those vibrant, active, still good-looking men. There are groups now, here in Atlanta, that I’m looking at becoming part of particularly because of the age factor. This all excites me. And what doesn’t exist at that time, I will create.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Probably social life ‘outside’ will become increasingly smaller — fewer bars and clubs, more time with friends.
I do hope to be able to be around younger gay people in some capacity. Dreaming of being a mentor/resource.
Tomorrow, Part 12: The series concludes.