The Need for a Plan

Black Gay Men at Midlife – Part 10 of a series

Because of the unique nature of our lives, it is imperative that lesbians and gays create a plan for old age. Unlike most heterosexuals, there are typically no children to take care of us should we grow too old to live alone. Being single may have worked fine in your 20s and 30s, but at 60 or 70, that could leave you isolated and at the mercy of professional caregivers who may or may not be accepting of our sexual orientation.

Financial and estate planning, health care proxies and legal protections for the transfer of property—many of the things straight people are afforded just by having the right to marry—are all necessary particularly if a gay couple has shared their life together.

While it is never too early to plan, midlifers especially think about such things. Old age is in sight. What is less obvious however are visible symbols of senior gay life to guide us.

In Part 10, the guys share more thoughts on the years ahead.

Do you have any role models for how to live a quality life as a gay senior citizen? Does anyone consider you a role model now? If so, how?

Conrad, 43, Memphis
No I don’t have any models. I think there are those who consider me a model. But how painful it is to be a model and have none. It’s a huge responsibility and a disorienting burden.

Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I’m considered a role model because despite being gay I do not limit my ambitions and I daresay that younger gay men see the possibilities of achievement.

Bernard, 41, Atlanta
Honestly, no. I assume yes; that would be my “gay sons,” who often turn to me for advice or, as I admonish them to do, pay attention to my mistakes and not repeat them.

John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I have a few models; one friend is now in his mid 50s, and has been in a committed relationship for many years. I think the world of him, and consider him a partial role model; I have other people I admire, including a writer who has been a real supporter, who is in his 60s, is out and gay, and sets an incredible example. I think there are younger gay men who do consider me a role model, and as I noted above, I try to be supportive of what they’re doing with their lives. That support, I know, is invaluable.

George, 51, New York
Many of my role models are my contemporaries who are still active in their lives. I respect the fact that many guys still want to date, and be sexy, and flirt and be very much apart of the living and not thinking about dying. There are a few older gay men I know that are still active but more of them are becoming more settled in their lives and routines and starting to feel/act old. In terms of a role model, I have heard that from some people but I try not to let it go to my head. I prefer to be a mentor to younger folks and share my perspectives and realities and hopefully they will gain from my mistakes, challenges and lessons.

Mark, 46, Harlem
Senior homosexual role models are non-existent in my life, which is sad to say, though there are a few men whom I admire, care for and respect immensely. I currently serve as a mentor to a young, heterosexual, Black male. We connected in the summer of 2002 and he sees me as his big brother.

David, 46, Harlem
Yes, I have a Dean of a medical school and her partner. I also know of a male couple, who have been together for twenty years, and have adopted four children. I also know of another male couple with their grandchildren, and my best friend, a single parent with his two teenage children.

Robert, 40, San Francisco
I can’t think of any off the top of my head. Maybe. I know this young man who works near my place of residence and I would often see him and try to encourage him to continue his education. He was glad to tell me that he went back to school. I hope I help in some small way.

Cordell, 41, Albany
I guess I do. I still have older men as friends who are of a generation that believe in living well and the finer things in life. However, they also talk about issues of mortality more and illnesses and either not wanting to live alone or being resigned to living alone and not being partnered. I think that I do have a couple of younger people in my life that kind of consider me a role model or with whom I placed myself in that position of being. I try to tell them that things are much better than what they used to be and I really do see that with time and experience, there is wisdom to impart about some of the things that I have learned as an older gay man and the mistakes that I have made and how to avoid them.

James, 43, Oakland
Veteran jazz singer/pianist Andy Bey is my role model. At 67, he has no intention of slowing down. He taught me that everything in your life should have purpose and meaning.

I have a friend who is 25 years old who looks up to be as a role model in some ways. I think he likes my spirit, energy and determination yet I look up to him for his energy and creativity. We inspire each other.

Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I run a black, gay male support group every week. I certainly hope that I am a role model to these young people. Every once in a while I’ll have the opportunity to converse with a gay senior and he’ll regale me with stories of what it was like growing up in the 50’s and 60’s. I’m riveted when I hear these stories. Although I have no specific senior role model, these intermittent interactions prove to be an asset to how I’m painting my future. I have become my own role model. I am living proof that working out regularly, regular check-ups, plenty of water, a healthy (not perfect) diet can be beneficial…both internally and externally.

Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Yeah there are some people close to my age and younger who do ‘look up to me’ for the work I do, and also I suppose for the way I conduct my life, and how I urge them to be more fearless. Makes me uncomfortable, since I know my own faults and limitations (I tell them to ‘aim higher’). My first partner is still around and there are some things about him that are role model like (but on the other hand he’s always been hyper-critical, not something I aspire to). I think of Baldwin, Hughes, and folks like Sir Ian McKellen as being role models of Older Gay-dom.

Are there things you are doing now to prepare yourself for old age? If you have a partner, how are the two of you preparing for old age?

Conrad, 43, Memphis
Just trying to make sure I have some kind of retirement plan and a little money in the bank and some good health insurance—all of which are precarious notions for all of us at this time as far as I’m concerned.

Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I’m saving money in mutual funds and paying off bills now, no partner at this time.

Bernard, 41, Atlanta
Savings, mainly.

John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
One of the things my partner and I have been discussing is how we will live out our elder years if we make it that far. We have begun investing money, we signed up as domestic partners (and are considering a civil union), and are also just thinking about things like where we will live if and when we retire and so forth.

George, 51, New York
I am trying to prepare to be in a space that is conducive for older people…not too many stairs or an option of an elevator. Prepare for retirement and taking care of myself. Maintaining old friends and being open to meeting new ones. Not being afraid to try new things and being open to the possibilities. Savoring my time and my desires.

Mark, 46, Harlem
I live my life one day at a time. I pray and meditate regularly. I try to workout three times a week. I eat healthy foods. I’m learning to relax. I’m taking business classes. I’m open to investing money wisely. I’m currently single.

David, 46, Harlem
I’m working on my debt problems, for in my youth I didn’t think I would live this long, so I’ve made some financial mistakes. As for my partner, we both maintain individual homes, for the simple fact of the matter is that we both had some previous “rocky” relationships, and this situation is working out for the two of us. Besides, we both share a relationship with God.

Robert, 40, San Francisco
I have done nothing beyond the legal aspect of growing older.

Cordell, 41, Albany
Naw, I haven’t really quite prepared for it. I have not yet gotten it stuck in my head that I am headed for senior citizenry! ? I have a couple of financial things that I’ve done that will mature when I do and I own a home, so that has become a worthwhile investment that I didn’t really think was when I first purchased it. I also seem to spend more money on the finer things in life as well, and use the excuse that I am buying nicer things now so that I will have them in my older age. ?

James, 43, Oakland
I want to have a long, productive life so I started working out with a trainer last summer. I felt like I was at a mid-point in my life and I need to make some changes in order to stay healthy. The progress is slow but it is happening. I just have to improve my eating habits. I am also taking swimming lessons and really enjoying them. I am improving my credit and trying to save more money. I am enjoying my life more. I am very careful about with whom I share my time and my heart. I am looking to advance my writing and photography to the next levels.

Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I am spiritually preparing for old age.

Reggie, 46, Baltimore
We’re still kids in a way, in that we are not thinking/talking about our old age/retirement. We should, I know, but….I want to think that we are starting to lay the foundation for our later years now — kinda late but better late than never.

Tomorrow, Part 11: Old, Not Dead

For more on this topic, see One More Battle from the Baltimore Sun.