We’ll All Be Old One Day

Black Gay Men at Midlife – Part 9 of a series

If people in midlife can be made to feel isolated and invisible, imagine what gay senior citizens feel? But if the experiences of our group have proven anything, it’s that life isn’t over after 30, or 40, or even 50 and beyond. Just because the rest of society is fixated on youth doesn’t mean older people have gone anywhere.

While we may not have spent much time in our youth thinking about middle age, as midlifers there is a greater awareness of what lies ahead. Old age is not an abstract thought but inevitable. Conscious thoughts are now devoted to this final phase of life, thoughts not rooted in any longing for the past, but rather the sense that each day is to be cherished.

As we move into the last four parts of this series, we focus on how our men are preparing for the future.

Terms like “aging out” and “bitter old queen” are sometimes used to describe people who feel disconnected from their past gay community activities. Has this been your reality, and if so, in what ways?

Conrad, 43, Memphis
“Aging out” is new to me. “Bitter old queen” isn’t although I’ve heard the term “A bunch of cynical bitches” in reference to guys around my age. Yes I’m cynical to a certain degree, but not out of longing for the “old days”. I do find myself wondering more, “Will I die alone?” But the cynicism is much larger than me and how I feel. It’s the utter lack of identifying communities with which to relate. I will be honest, I do find a 50 year old queen in a halter top trying to pick up 17 year olds rather sobering and I want to divorce myself from that. I do understand older people better who are still around when most if not all of their contemporaries, family, friends and associates have died. I understand when they say, “I want to die.”

Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
Not my reality

Bernard, 41, Atlanta
No.

John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
Not at all.

George, 51, New York
The term “aging out” is familiar, as if I am too old and decrepit to socialize or be in the same room as younger gay men. I am often told that I don’t look my age but that does not prevent people from ignoring or dismissing me from events or activities.

Mark, 46, Harlem
No, this is not my reality. I’m unaware of the term “aging out.”

David, 46, Harlem
(no response)

Robert, 40, San Francisco
I don’t think so. I think I have moved on to other aspects of my life.

Cordell, 41, Albany
Yeah, sometimes I see how people have been given those titles now more than what I did previously. There is definitely a lot more to complain about because you wish that things were better. And you see that life is not fair for everyone. However, I still feel that it is important to belong to some kind of community and so I have not yet reached a point where I feel that I need to “disconnect” completely.

James, 43, Oakland
A few years ago, I attended the “At The Beach” event in Los Angeles for my first time. It was fun to see friends from near and far. It was great to see all the beautiful men and women too. An interesting thing happened while I was lying on the beach. A young man came past me a couple of times passing out flyers to select people. I realized that he was probably passing out flyers to a party that only the hard body men could attend. I did not feel aged out for I felt that if I had “the look” I would have been invited to the party no matter what age. That was the only circuit event that I have attended. I wished I had gone to D.C. over Memorial Day Weekend with my friends when I was younger. I would not go now not because of age. I am just in a different mindset.

Jaleel, 42, Decatur
This has not been my reality at all! I have, however heard these terms as they relate to black gay men that run certain organizations within the Atlanta area. I’m not sure if that’s the case or not, but it doesn’t matter to me. That is not my reality.

Reggie, 46, Baltimore
I’ve known some Bitter Queens in my day, and they could also be Bitter and Young just as easily as Bitter and Old. “Aging out” well, perhaps. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like there are a lot of venues for men at mid life. One of the attractions of Leather gatherings is that they seem to be primarily guys our age – it’s really wonderful.

How do you envision the next 20 years of your life?

Conrad, 43, Memphis
I don’t know. I’m too cynical an old bitch to envision anything beyond cynicism, but I do have my moments of thinking of a family and a life that I could find fulfilling.

Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I am more financially stable, a home owner, children whether adopted or natural, Good health, long-term relationship.

Bernard, 41, Atlanta
One or three homes; investment properties. Opening/running some kind of club or social venue. More travel, continentally and internationally. Resume writing. Delve more deeply into various media distribution outlets. Adopt 1-2 children.

John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I hope that my relationship continues and grows, that I can maintain my friendships and make new ones, that I continue to advance in my career and make contributions to my field, that I have the opportunity to be involved with other organizations that can serve
the needs of the Black gay community and other communities, and that I am healthy and able to enjoy the next 20 years.

George, 51, New York
I hope that my health holds up and I will be able to retire with a partner, socialize with friends and possibly write about the former years from a Black gay perspective. Not to be bitter but to let them know that there were many Black gay men involved in gay rights, HIV issues, policy and the arts…and everything good did not happen because of the white community. We made contributions and just did not have the same resources and support systems to get our projects discovered and embraced.

Mark, 46, Harlem
I feel the best is yet to come because now I know who I am! I spend less time pleasing others, regretting the past and/or worrying about what others think of me. I intend to be successful with my writing career, seek to travel out of the country and hopefully can spend quality time with my growing family.

David, 46, Harlem
If the cancer remains treatable, I plan on traveling with my nieces, nephews and God-children. I plan on living in Harlem. I would like to enter into the public school system in an administrative role, for I am concerned about the education of “our” youth.

Robert, 40, San Francisco
I see myself completing other goals.

Cordell, 41, Albany
In twenty years I will be in my early 60s, and I don’t see it being any easier than what it is now. Being over 40, I can now see that the older you become, the harder it is for gay people to have partnerships that they have not already established earlier. It’s still all about looks, age and economic status in this community and so, even though I hope to achieve some semblance of economic stability, I can see that it will be necessary in order to have a somewhat good life. I probably will end up spending some of it buying ass (smile). Also, I think about the fact that when I become older, I don’t have any offspring to depend upon to assist me with becoming older.

James, 43, Oakland
I want to be in good health, sexy (if only to me), retired, a homeowner, playing the piano, a couple of books of photography, still writing, and a nice man to keep me company. As the song says, “I want my dinner, some conversation, and loads of lovely love.

Jaleel, 42, Decatur
Oh, I am so excited about the next 20 years. I will be more elevated in spiritual consciousness and I will be a spiritual counselor for gay couples. I see myself with my partner (and our dog…perhaps, a kid or two). I see us in a house and planning our yearly vacation. I will have my own therapeutic practice and I will sit on the board of an AIDS Service Organization (if not running one myself).

Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Oh god! You mean the long slide to the grave….ROTFL! :-) I hope I get better, become even more the person I am supposed to be. I’ll have to take care of myself more than I do now (Ugh!) :-( but otherwise I don’t have a negative/dark view of the future.

Tomorrow, Part 10: Senior Life Planning