Friendship, Love and Intimacy

Black Gay Men at Midlife – Part 3 of a series

Beyond the mere search for connection with groups of people is the need for deeper, closer, more personal relationships.

The period of our youth is often typified by the desire to not only make friends but to satisfy our natural sexual curiosity. In that respect, men who love men are no different from their heterosexual brothers. But if one has grown up receiving confusing and negative messages about the correctness of their type of love, how easy are those things to attain? How possible is it to form real bonds when you perceive yourself as “different?” Is it possible to turn any relationship into something more meaningful? Is that even a goal or should we accept the popular notion that gay men only want sex?

In Part 3, our group of Black gay middle aged men discuss the challenges they faced establishing connections on an individual level during their developmental years.

Talk about the quantity and quality of both your platonic and sexual relationships years ago?

Conrad, 43, Memphis
The quantity of them was few which I didn’t realize until I was at the Health Department and a so-called counselor there scolded me for saying I had only been with a few guys. He’d heard about gay men having been with dozens, even hundreds of guys. I didn’t have that level of sexual experience. I was too afraid and uninitiated into the “gay” community to know where to go for outlets and how to meet people. And being overweight no one was going to show me.

Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
There was neither quantity nor quality. Encounters were few and far between because of the lack of knowledge of navigation.

Bernard, 41, Atlanta
This is a very broad and unclear question. “Quantity”? No distinction between romantic and sexual relationships? Is this related to relationships with other gay/bi/trans people or folks at large? But a stab:

Certainly more platonic relationships than romantic/sexual ones. Always more of the outsider-looking-in/insider-looking-out variety. There was never any remove in terms of my interactions with anyone straight or otherwise in terms of my dealings with folks. People were either kind or mean to me, but it had nothing to do with my sexuality (although in my mid-teens, it was fairly well-known among my friends and within my community). My friends were accepting, non-homophobic and pretty cool with everything.

Sexual relationships were just that, sexual. And few and far between. There were only a few (less than 5) people with whom I had sexual contact, I being between 8-17 and them being between about 9- 16 (generally concurrently i.e., if I was 12, the boy I usually “messed with” was about 12 or 13). Nothing more than heavy petting and oral stuff; lots of frottage. My first full sexual encounter when I was roughly 19 years old with an 18 year old, who became my first lover. In terms of my treatment of him, due to my immaturity I was pretty shabby toward him.

John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I have always had a wide array of good to close friends, but the number ironically has waned as I’ve gotten older, even though I’ve met an increasing number of people through my career. In terms of platonic relationships, these were and are the majority. When I was single, I had two short-term intimate relationships, and a number of brief or one-time sexual hookups and so on.

George, 51, New York
I had some friends who I have known for more than thirty years so that quality has continued. We talked about our respective boyfriends and such but we never crossed the lines. The people who were my friends were in my life because we had similar interests and we all just happen to be gay too. The sexual partners were there for a time and when it was over they were gone. There are some exceptions and some of my closest friends now are former sex partners.

Mark, 46, Harlem
My personality lends itself to both men and women. I ‘knew’ a lot of people, yet no one really knew how I felt about myself: neither my family nor my best friend. I enjoyed our polite, yet distant relationships and had more associates than friends. After four years of exclusivity, my longtime partner and I tried to have an open relationship; we both dated other guys, which didn’t work for either of us. I was an emotional wreck.

David, 46, Harlem
Because my “real” platonic friendship consists of my being the caretaker and big brother to all of my family and friends, I never let them in on the “secret” that I might be a “sissy, punk and faggot.” I was just the nice, well mannered and matured eight year old. Besides most of the adult men and women in our lives were confronting issues that we children had no clue as to the social, emotional and financial impact (e.g., civil rights, racism and poverty of the 60s). We were still children, yet, I always felt older then my peers. As for sex, looking back I truly believe my first experience at an early age was a result of a teenage, family or friend visitor whom I may have had a crush on that took it a step farther. In addition, although I wanted it, I didn’t completely understand the “rejection” that followed. I’ve been told by so many people that I’ve been jaded by my experiences in relationships, both straight and gay, and that people have to trust to have committed and loving relationships. But since I was attached to the shady lifestyles of the 70s and early 80s Times Square, I saw a different side of those committed and healthy/loving relationships.

Robert, 40, San Francisco
It was so important to have peers my age and a place to meet them. I could count them on one hand but their acquaintanceship was so important to my development.

Cordell, 41, Albany
I was a loner for a significant part of my life and so I only really had few friends at a time. I really hated crowds and so I avoided groups of people and felt more comfortable with one on one relationships versus groups of friends. Plus, I never wanted to have all my friends in one space because I figured that the only thing that they would have in common was me. When I was younger, I always was attracted to older men and so many of the men who I dated, slept with or befriended were at least 10 years or more older than I was. I didn’t think that guys my age could “teach” me anything. And I liked the attention that older men lavished on me and the wisdom that they imparted through some of the stories of their lives that they talked about. Now, regarding my sexual relationships, I had many more meaningful ones then what I have now; especially with the invention of websites specifically designed for hook ups. I could have sex three times a day with three different men when I was in my 20s and 30s. Now that I am in my 40s, if I could have one a day, that’s a miracle. I have learned more about the “game” in terms of hooking up without adding any meaning to the sexual experience than what I did when I was younger. And I am more tolerant of things that people say and do then what I was when I was younger. I used to be the one who would end the relationship first. Now, it’s a dead even heat.

James, 43, Oakland
I was friendly so I made lots of friends. I think I was pretty well liked back then. There were a few relationships but nothing ever lasted for very long for one reason or another. An aspect from my youth that still exists today is that I am the “nice guy” and while it may make me famous one day, it does not get you many dates. People were always looking for someone with an edge or a certain quality that I just did not have. Only a handful of my friends from the early days are still around. Many died from AIDS, bad trade, and other causes.

Sex was very easy to get and I often thought that because someone had sex with you, they cared about you beyond the orgasm. I was definitely wrong.

Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I can only talk about “quantity” as it relates to sexual relationships and “quality” as it related to platonic relationships. My sexual relationships were just that…sexual! I remember wanting “more” but I didn’t know what I wanted “more” of. I can only recall that I wanted to have what women had the opportunity to enjoy: attention, comfort, to be made to feel special and someone to love. I’m not sure that there was a conscious thought that this could come from a man. In other words, it wasn’t until approximately age 21 that I realized that there was a gay community and that men had loving relationships. Before knowing this, I guess I just had casual flings and was often times left yearning for more but not knowing or understanding what “gay” was. This is where the quality of my friendships took over, because I realized that “gay” meant more than just sleeping around. The friendships I developed at the time were wonderful supports. I recall my friend Darryl, who took me to my first black gay club. There was a party at the Cotton Club on 125th Street. I remember looking out at a sea of beautiful, black men and wanting to be a part of it (my first conception of a gay community, I guess). I was overwhelmed and I didn’t want to leave. Darryl was supportive in introducing me to black, gay culture.

Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Before or after coming out? Before…someone in college I became friends with said to me that he was afraid to talk to me because I seemed like a balled fist most of the time. After: I had some friends, not many (FYI, I think I have more friends now, thanks to e-mail and the internet connecting us), and ‘know’ a lot of people. I did go through a period where it bothered me that many of my friends were also people I’d slept with…but I got over that. :-) And also I did/do have friends who I’ve not been physical with. When I was younger (just slightly before and in the early days of The Plague) sex was easy to come by, plentiful, casual, sometimes intense, sometimes a waste of time. I like to think I learned a lot from all that fucking (and not just about fucking).

Tomorrow, Part 4: Is There Life After 30?