A Conversation With My Brothers

Black Gay Men at Midlife – Part 1 of a series

They are part of the Baby Boom generation. Born between the mid-1950’s and the late 1960’s, the oldest were in elementary school during the March on Washington in 1963, the assassinations of Malcolm X (1965), Martin Luther King (1968) and the birth of the modern gay rights movement touched off by the Stonewall Riots in 1969.

Some had already become aware of their true sexual identity by the time the American Psychiatric Association declassified homosexuality as a mental illness in 1973, but make no mistake, the world was a vastly different place in those days. Calls for tolerance and equality, taken for granted now, were few and far between then, and a Black gay male child growing up in the world had neither assurance nor expectation of support from anyone in any quarter.

Just as many of these men were coming of age and growing in their own self-awareness, HIV/AIDS arrived, in the early 1980’s. This generation of Black gay men would lose literally thousands of their peers to the pandemic, but they would also be on the frontlines of activist efforts to do something about it. Most of the Black gay national and local organizations for health and social support were started, if not by this generation, then by those who came just before them, during their youth, and with their active participation.

As time has passed, personal and social priorities have shifted. America has always been a youth-oriented culture and the gay community is no different. People once vital and valued members of the community, may now struggle to find connection or may willingly choose to pursue interests less singularly focused. Older, but with lives no less vibrant or purposeful, these men must now redefine themselves at midlife.

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This is the first in an on-going daily series on this blog where I will feature the thoughts and opinions of a diverse group of Black gay men. I sent a lengthy questionnaire to a large group of people. These 12 took the time to respond, for which I am grateful. The results are what I believe to be an interesting snapshot of a population not often heard from or studied; middle aged Black gay men.

They were born and live in different parts of the country, have different backgrounds and experiences, but also share many commonalities stemming from the period when they were born and the times we live in now. I have identified them only by their first name, age and the cities where they now live.

The series will focus on their past coming out and social experiences, their lives in the present, and their vision of the future. To start, I asked them all to begin at the beginning.

When and how did you acknowledge to yourself an attraction towards men? How did you first begin to seek out others with whom you could explore these feelings?

Conrad, 43, Memphis
I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t attracted to the same sex. I acknowledged early on in my life, probably just before puberty. I didn’t really consciously seek out others until I was in college. I wasn’t even sure what it was that I was feeling and that there might be something to what I feel more than a passing fancy.

Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I was a teenager in another country and my playmates were my age and we were attracted to each other. We sought each other out during games of cowboys and Indians.

Bernard, 41, Atlanta
Between 8 –10 years old. Playing around with other kids my age.

John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
Consciously somewhere between the ages of 9-11. I began to explore the fact that I might be gay while I was still in high school, and then came out, partially, while I was in college. I had my first gay sexual experiences and boyfriends while in college, and also made my first contacts with the larger gay community during those years.

George, 51, New York
I resisted the feelings at first, I was about 19 and a friend of my sister approached me. He was the first man that I did anything with but he was also much older than me and helped me understand some things and talk my initial concerns out. I also had some close friends who were conflicted about their attraction to men so eventually we confided in one another. I knew some gay people from school and other activities but didn’t feel we had much in common at first.

Mark, 46, Harlem
I was an innately curious child and remember being fascinated with male genitalia around the age of seven, starting with my younger brother. I had neither a desire nor an intention of being sexual with him, and never crossed that familial boundary. We shared the same bed as kids and I remember aiming a flashlight directly at his penis when he was sleeping. I also remember staring at boys my age and not understanding why, especially since it appeared other boys my age were expected and/or supposed to be looking at girls in a similar way. I never shared these feelings with anyone, for many years, until I started going to gay bars and clubs in my early 20’s. I expected to identify with others, yet always felt alienated, different and unique. I was deeply terrified of being exposed, humiliated, rejected and shamed, even in environments designated for safety, security and socializing.

David, 46, Harlem
I had to be around the age of six or seven (e.g., 1967). My “confusion/stage of experimenting” or connection was around the age of nine with a brief encounter with a friend, and then again at the age of twelve with a friend. But it wasn’t until I had turned nineteen that I had my first “encounter” and then learned quickly about lust, love and rejection.

Robert, 40, San Francisco
During my adolescence.

Cordell, 41, Albany
I had knowledge of my feelings for men when I was in the fourth grade and was interested in a boy named Claude. I never did acknowledge those feelings to him. It wasn’t until I was in the 5th grade that those feelings grew stronger with the number of crushes that I had on boys (Jeff and Albert) among the many. One summer I went to sleep away camp and my roommate, who was this crazy Puerto Rican who used to sneak out during the night to go swim in the pool, crawled in my bed. The girls use to sneak in the boys’ rooms and they caught us in bed together (I have no remembrance of what we did; I just remember being “caught.”) I didn’t actually act upon my feelings towards men until I was 16 and in high school and met another boy who shared the same feelings I did.

James, 43, Oakland
I was nine years old and I initiated relations with my two older cousins (10 and 11.) We called it practicing for the girls. It went on for a few years. At 11, our family moved away so I was always excited when we came back home and I could see my cousins. It ended when I was nearing 14. They were more into girls and I was not.

Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I remember being in the 4th grade and having a crush on two boys. I didn’t know at the time that I was attracted to them. All I knew was that I wanted to be around them all the time. As an adult I realize that that must have been my first acknowledgement of my attraction to boys.

It was probably in high school that I first began to seek out others with whom I could explore these feelings. I remember my best friend (at the time) coming to me and asking me if I had feelings for males like she had feelings for girls. I was ecstatic when she broached the subject because it had been bottled up inside of me for so long. For days (probably for the rest of the school year) afterward we would exchange “crush” stories.

Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Hmm…probably had my first strong attractions in high school: 15-18. Didn’t do anything about it, basically ran away from it. Tried to rationalize/intellectualize it into something other than what it was. Didn’t come out and explore until I graduated from college (age 23)

In what ways did the awareness of your sexual orientation affect how you perceived your ability to achieve your life goals and dreams?

Conrad, 43, Memphis
It made a serious impact. I remember not wanting to play sports which I was told I had the build for as a boy because I was certain my attraction to other boys would come out. Looking back on my adult life, I realized that my sexual orientation was the reason I choose not to do some things in my life. I choose to be less daring in pursuing other possibilities for my life including singing or artistic endeavors. I thought there were just certain things a “gay” man did not do like play sports; a real boy shouldn’t have a high voice when he sang, etc.

Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
Academically there was no issue and sports were no problem but inside there was always a feeling of inadequacy about my abilities across the board. So I was my own worst enemy when it came to feeling I was able to do things as well as others.

Bernard, 41, Atlanta
None.

John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I think my acknowledgement that I might be gay made me very fearful of how my life might turn out, in part because I was raised as a Roman Catholic, and was constantly taught that homosexuality was a terrible sin. On the other hand, my mother and other relatives always encouraged my intellectual and artistic pursuits, so I did have regular, positive reinforcement that I could achieve things in my life.

George, 51, New York
I tried not to let it affect my goals originally, but because I was involved in the arts, and it didn’t seem to make a difference, except for the fact that many people thought that because of my relationship to the arts, I was more available than I was. I soon learned to embrace who I was and integrate my gayness into the rest of my world.

Mark, 46, Harlem
As a kid my dream was to play centerfield for the Chicago Cubs. I stopped believing in myself after I failed to make my high school varsity baseball team as a freshman. The awareness of my sexual orientation was not a factor at age 14. A decade later, I became interested in acting and modeling, yet I never felt my sexuality would hinder my progress, even though I lied by omission about the true nature of my feelings for men, particularly since my (first) partner and I both lived and worked together. I do remember feeling I’d lose someone and/or something if somebody knew the truth about my orientation. I didn’t trust my truth, so self-deception and rationalization became my internal allies.

David, 46, Harlem
Since an early age, I’ve learned that I had to mind my manners, mind my behavior and actions thus it wouldn’t bring additional attention to my also being gay. Therefore, I lived a very shy and reclusive life until I turned eighteen. I held my goals and dreams at bay, for what I wanted to do since an early age, also had a stigma attached to it, for example: play the piano, dance and write . . .Yet, no one told me about the legacy of Duke Ellington, Stevie Wonder or even Billy Strayhorn, James Baldwin, Alvin Ailey and so many others. I was associated with wanting to be white, wanting to talk white . . . the usually internal Black, crab in the barrel mentality. It wasn’t until Michael Jackson and Wesley Snipes danced through New York City subway stations for the “Bad” video, that black boys started thinking it was cool to dance.

Robert, 40, San Francisco
I tried to make sure I could either accomplish my goals and dreams first and all else was secondary.

Cordell, 41, Albany
While in college, during my junior year, I felt called to the ministry. However, knowing that I was a homosexual and not wanting to “ruin” other people’s lives (i.e. a wife and children), I felt that I couldn’t realistically follow that calling. Later on in life, I wanted to become a father. I wanted my own biologically created children and for years, felt that that would never happen because of my sexuality and unattraction to women at that level.

James, 43, Oakland
I was/am a geek so I was pretty driven in my youth and very competitive. Being gay and the world knowing it was important to me when I first started working at 18. I am not sure if it was the crowd I ran with at the time or the desire to be loved but I was much more open about it then than I am now. I am certain it had some impact on my career.

Jaleel, 42, Decatur
Oh my! My awareness of my sexual orientation certainly affected the route to my desired goal. Someway, somehow I knew I had to push harder and do more than my heterosexual counterparts. I don’t remember this being a conscious thought. I just knew I wanted to be more than they could ever be and that meant committing myself to my desired goal. Being called “faggot” and “sissy” and any other name they could conjure up was the fuel I needed to eventually over shadow them. I remember being in the High School chorus and being offered a chance for a solo. Well, I auditioned and got the solo. I remember wanting that solo sooooo bad because turning it out meant gaining a whole new respect from my schoolmates who had made my high school experience difficult. On the night of the performance (and the next afternoon) I had a sore throat and couldn’t hit the high notes. But for the performance I truly turned it out. I hit every note. I’m not sure where the voice came from, but it came. Keep in mind this was the spring concert, very close to the end of the school year. For the rest of the school year people would stop me in the halls and congratulate me on a job well done. I had finally earned their respect and suddenly my “gay-ness” was not the first thing they saw when they looked at me. I don’t remember ever being as proud of myself. I proved to myself (mostly) that I could be more than a “faggot” or a “sissy”. I proved that I could do and be anything I wanted.

Reggie, 46, Baltimore
I think it may have made me more reticent, less willing to put myself out there, out of fear that someone might learn that I was gay. I was in the military (US Coast Guard) and part of the reason I decided not to go to Officer Candidate School was because I didn’t want to spend a lot of time hiding/closeted. I had other reasons for that as well, but that was a major one.

Tomorrow, Part 2: Seeking Community