When it comes to relationships and how to find, form and maintain long-lasting meaningful ones, I have more questions than answers. I am often engaging in conversations with friends online and off about why it seems everyone we all know, including ourselves, is single, lonely and unable to meet anyone we can connect with.
It doesn’t matter if I’m having this conversation with men or women, young or old, gay or straight, Black, White, Latin or Asian. There is the desire to meet people, but also great apprehension about opening up, trusting and committing the time and energy to a relationship. We all want it so bad, but seem unable or unwilling to overcome past pain learned through failed attempts.
In addition to those common threads, there is also the reality that the world as we were all brought up to see it, has changed. Most people are independent and able to fend for themselves. We don’t need someone to take care of us financially or to do the cooking and cleaning, but we certainly want companionship, intimacy, intellectual stimulation, or a shoulder to lean on during tough times.
This is the great paradox it seems. I see parallels in the search undertaken by both straight women and gay men. Many educated, professional women are self-sufficient. They have the means to provide for themselves. Many gay men are in the same boat, dependent on no one but themselves to take care of them.
Trifling men, with little to offer beyond a phyne body and a smooth line, won’t get too far with either.
So how do you form a relationship when you want someone but don’t need anyone in your life? Must potential mates now live up to a whole different standard that is more nebulus and less understood by both parties? Is it easier to break up and move on if a potential partner doesn’t live up to this invisible criteria? If you don’t know why you want someone in your life and what role you need them to play, can you ever find anyone that measures up? Can you ever hope to play the necessary role in anyone’s life? Is monogamy an anachronism? Are we all destined to have a pool of friends who serve various specific needs, but no one person to serve most or all?
As I said at the outset, I have more questions than answers.
UPDATE: I found this interesting take on the same subject, from a Black lesbian perspective, on a blog I’ve only recently discovered, Pica 12.
9 comments ↓
I wonder if part of it is also the very nature of labor itself, how it has changed (or hasn’t?). For instance, in academia and more generally in business, especially if one buys into the globalization hype (which one has to), jobs rarely stay situated long enough for one to form friendships, let alone relationships. I *do* think there’s something about the nature of economic and social structures that has changed under late capitalism. But I couldn’t begin to describe it.
A recent article in the Chronicle of Higher Ed claimed young academics find it difficult to meet and make friends, in part because there’s such a constant uprooting and moving, in searchof increasingly elusive tenure-track jobs. I do know my own itinerant academic career (though barely started) has shaped my hesitations in approaching the intimacy market, such as it is.
I may not be the best person to answer since I am generally getting in, out or over a relationship at any point in my life. However, I am currently single and in a space where I would like to connect with that special someone.
Trouble is, the dating landscape has changed since the last time I dabbled in it. Guys are either overly eager to exchange wedding vows or so unreliable, getting a return phone call is akin to pulling teeth.
I feel as if there is an underlying feeling of hopelessness lingering in our community/country. Is this a by-product of 911? The war? Bush? I don’t know. I get the feeling that many single people don’t honestly believe they can find a mate. As a result, they don’t make themselves available or they perpetuate the asshole cycle.
Looking at it from a different perspective–where I’ve been with my partner/husband/SO/whatever for almost 9 years, I’ve noticed that my friends seem to fall into two different categories: those who’ve been in relationships forever; and those who remain perpetually single. Then breaking it down even further, my single friends seem to go into two groups; friends who are single because they’re just so messed up that they couldn’t maintain a relationship with an inanimate object, much less another person; or those who are in the situation you described.
I think part of the reason why it’s hard for a lot of single people to get together is a relationship is simply that; a relationship. Being with someone requires compromise, stripping yourself bare, and most importantly, really seeing yourself as who you are because you can see yourself through another person’s eyes. You can’t turn off a relationship when you’re not really feeling it unless you plan on breaking up. It can be an extremely exhausting and draining experience. Many people break off relationships not because they don’t love the person they’re with; they often break up because they see something in themselves that they don’t want to see, and they would rather not deal with it, and therefore place the blame on that person rather than himself. Time and time again I’ve seen people get together in really good relationships break up because a trait that’s really central to one’s own personality becomes an issue that person is not ready to deal with. For many people starting out relationships, it goes between becoming so entrenched in the other person that you two are nearly indistinguishable; or remain so steadfastly separate that there’s no way to develop and nurture the relationship, and it’s really hard to find the medium between.
Thankfully, my partner and I have reached a point in our lives where we are both extremely secure in our relationship to each other (I don’t know how to explain it, but we just _know_ we’ll be together for a long time), but we’ve also started to become secure in ourselves and enjoy our time apart as well as our time together. I think what you’ve described is a double-edged sword–we want to meet new people, to be with someone, and yet, we want to maintain our individuality. The right person for you will be able to do both for you.
J, your last paragraph speaks volumes. I think there is some truth to that. Nationally, we are in a very “loveless” period, where hatred and fear seem to predominate. I think this general malaise affects not just our love lives but our ability to look positively towards the future.
Efren, you rock for this:
“Many people break off relationships not because they don’t love the person they’re with; they often break up because they see something in themselves that they don’t want to see, and they would rather not deal with it…”
I think it’s crucial to ask, what are *your* answers to these questions? Perhaps they can serve as the compass that orients you towards whether or not you want to be in a relationship. What I’m picking up is a lot of ambivalence–we all *need* other people, no matter how independent we are, so where does your desires, your “wants” (which also has the meaning of “lack”) intersect with the “need”? As simplistic as this may sound, aren’t they often the same thing, especially in emotional terms?
Relationships, lasting ones, are not easy and require tremendous commitment, flexibility, and, as Efren says, addressing and dealing with potentially painful and flawed aspects of your own self and personality but also accepting the other person for who she or he is. You cannot change that other person, so having a relationship that endures means coming to terms with this. What are you willing to put up with and what aren’t you? What is the deal breaker? Why must your standards be nebulous? Why can’t you be clear about them–but also, do you live up to them yourself? And also, what about yourself? Are you the kind of person whom another person would want? If not, why do you think you aren’t? Also, no one person can serve every need; I’ve read about this happening, but in my experience, it doesn’t occur. So you also have to ask, what is it that you want? If it’s just sex, or a traveling companion, or someone who cooks for you, etc., maybe a relationship isn’t the best thing. But if you have a combination of things and find someone who embodies them, that may be the person for you, even if some of the elements aren’t there. No matter what any TV show or book or relationship pontificator says, every relationship is different and has different requirements, though the central element for all is that they require work on the part of both people.
One of the most profound aspects of a true relationship is one of the most mundane: loving companionship. After everything else, this person exists as your closest, dearest and most precious companion, one of the chief foci of your psychological and emotional life, and vice versa. Is there someone you’ve come across that fits this role? Are you the kind of person who could be a good and loving companion to someone else?
We’ve debated this topic among ourselves, as much as the topic itself has been debated, and, like you, I too have more questions than answers. But I’m learning to leave the questions alone.
Just last week, a straight girlfriend and I discussed this same topic. She too is single, and desires marriage. One of the realizations we discussed is sometimes many who are coupled, in relationship, are “single and lonely” within this actual experience that is “supposed” to bring compansionship, sharing, and intimacy.
Interestingly, many black gay men I know, who are in long-term committed relationships, are in partnerships with non-Black men. Probably, it’s a matter of being willing to open ourselves to something/someone different from who we are. Who knows?
Yet, what I do know for sure is nothing stays the same forever. I live my life with the truth believing that at the right time, the Spirit will open the way to bring the rightful man into my life. He might be someone I already know, and that aspect of our experience has not yet come, but I do know it will come to pass.
In the meantime, I’m continuing to do the work I must do, i.e., take care of myself - physically, emotionally, spiritually, and even sexually, ’cause hey, my right hand’s gotta do the trick,,,,,for the Meantime!
A recent health scare/challenge, made me realize just how precious and of value my life is, even without a man. The experience brought front and center the truth that if I don’t take care of myself, then I wouldn’t be around to enjoy life and living, and to even have a huz-bund! My logical self who sits and calculates that I’m almost 40, an’ single, an’ ain’t gettin’ none, an’ alone, an’ wondering if love has passed me by, in part, made me physically ill, and I ain’t down with that!
So, I’m learning to surrender this experience, and everything else in my life to God. God knows my heart’s desires, and I trust God to know that the rightful man will show up at the rightful time. The Spirit might not come when I want, but The Spirit is always on time!
Wow, the phrase of the week: “Many people break off relationships not because they don’t love the person they’re with; they often break up because they see something in themselves that they don’t want to see, and they would rather not deal with it…” - incredible Efren!
Taking Efren’s and jstheater’s observations and questions a step further: Relationships are not only about “wants” and “needs” (and the lines between those two seem to blur…). but based on what Efren and jstheater are saying, there is an often-overlooked element of CHOICE here.
Love and relationships, to me, are separate things. The latter is a contract that requires a certain amount of conscious decision-making based on requirements and boundaries that need to be carefully negotiated ongoingly. I know, sounds horribly non-romantic but goes right back to the task of examining oneself:
What amount of growth and effort is one prepared to put in to make it work? With whom? Under what terms?
It’s striking how many times the questions are posed: When will I meet “the one”? When will I find love and happiness? - as if loving relationships are some kind of external event or entity that “befall” someone. I believe it is only through choosing to create a loving relationship with oneself that one can truly be open to choosing to be with someone else. It’s a different kind of “what’s in it for me” perspective, one that regards relationship work not as a chore but as a privilege.
I just want to say Bravo!