In my professional work, I provide training and technical assistance to staff of non-profit social service agencies in and around the New York metropolitan area, many of whom are in some way involved in HIV/AIDS services and supportive housing issues. They may also be involved in a plethora of related concerns.
This week a co-worker and I delivered an excellent and well-received two-part training on how to be a more effective public speaker. About 13 people from various agencies attended, including two gentlemen from an organization representing Black LGBT folks 50 and over. As a component of our training, participants were required to deliver a five minute presentation on a topic of their own choosing. They both chose topics related to being Black and gay and over 50.
While there were many things I already knew about the subject matter, what came through loud and clear was the sense of isolation and loss of community that many of our folks feel when they reach their senior years. Despite efforts by their organization and others around the city, social, educational and recreational events get small turnouts and they are at wits end trying to find ways to reach this population. However, everyone believes it is larger than the popular perception. For reasons unknown, older Black gay folks are choosing to stay home rather than venture out.
However, in a community that places so much emphasis on youth and beauty, projecting the notion that even 30 is old and undesirable, should it surprise anyone that those over 50 find few reasons to engage? They are no doubt asking, Whats out there for them? I know 20-somethings who are tired of the limited offerings of bars and clubs. Since even those dont cater to seniors, I can only imagine the disinterest in searching for social alternatives grows exponentially with each passing decade.
Yet, without support networks of family or friends, are our elders destined to live out their remaining years alone? What responsibility does the younger Black LGBT community have to involve itself and seek solutions here? Who (if anyone) is studying the very specific needs and concerns of Black LGBT seniors? Assuming we will all grow old one day, are there not benefits to be derived for seniors now and ourselves in the future?
12 comments ↓
I plan to do my part by staying fabulous well into my eighties.
Yes, but the question is, will there be any type of welcoming community to be a part of or support network around you?
Social outlets shrink for all people 50 and up. It’s more pronounced in smaller communities like ours. In Atlanta, 40-ish men regularly go out to the clubs. There are also a few well-known “older” men who host house parties. The two groups (young and old) tend to self-segregate.
It’s difficult to convince young folks that they will get older one day. They are too focused on the now. We were the same way overall.
On a personal note, as I get older, I have begun attracting younger prospects. I’ve never been one of the younguns but I am starting to open up to the idea.
True, social outlets do diminish as we age, but I think for straight folks there is at least the support network that can come from spouses or children. I look at my own family, where my brothers and I have become caretakers to our parents.
For too many LGBT seniors, there are no children, possibly no partners, and few folks to call upon for either basic companionship or emergency assistance.
Good points, Bernie. However, in cases where “there are no children, possibly no partners, and few folks to call upon for either basic companionship or emergency assistance”, how much of that is our own responsibility? Essentially, I’m questioning how much of this is a “gay” issue. Aren’t these feelings of isolation common amongst single non-gay folk, as well?
A couple of years ago, I wrote about (black LGBT attachments to relationships ). Some of these issues came up in the comments. In instances where people have a hard time building social or support networks, what is the likelihood that they (we) have unresolved issues concerning singlehood?
damn. bernie - you are such a phenomena. keep raising this. we will create our own solutions.
bernie has raised very troubling questions. It is true that isolation can occur for single straight folks, but I’ve noticed an increasing invisibility of Black folk over 45(straight and sgl). i don’t know that social outlets are fewer and far between for people over 50 unless we’re talking about sgl outlets. straight folk have plenty of outlets. but are these outlets a “welcoming community” as Bernie calls it? perhaps. perhaps not. i think that being childless and spouseless can only exacerbate the lack of links to people and to other social networks.
I think that there is a great potential and opportunity to be had by connecting younger and older gay people through some medium. I often think that the trouble with today’s younger gay people (in terms of overt promiscuity, spread of diseases, lack of community interest) is that they don’t have older people giving them advice/telling them what to do/to learn from. Most straight boys have their fathers to tell them how to treat girls/how to be in a relationship. Most straight girls have their mothers to tell them how to treat guys/how to be in a relationship. But who is telling our gay boys and girls how to be in gay relationships, and how to treat each other. Younger people would benefit greatly from the presence of our older gay people. That, I think, would be very fulfilling to the older generation too. Those who have so much to teach because they have gone through the ropes. Other than that, gay older people should connect to themselves. There’s the internet/there are gay centers that can host events.
It might not be so simple, I don’t know, but it’s a thought I guess.
Me.
Hey Bernie!
Time will tell. I believe that openness and equality will eventually take care of the problem(s). With younger and younger kids acknowledging their sexuality openly and honestly and more and more straight people accepting of the same, I think it will be much easier for today’s youngsters.
I look at my grand-mother’s group. They are mostly working class/lower middle class. Most of them have been single for decades. Until the past few years — due to age, illness and mass relocations — they’ve gotten together on a regular basis. Often taking trips together: local places like the Poconos or exotic locales like the Caribbean. I see that happening with our own folk. Problem is I think, is the older SGL/Queer had no reference point and are not willing/able to change.
It’s a difficult situation, and no one answer, nor set of answers can address such a diverse group. Or groups really. I can only hope for the best as I mature myself.
Thirty is old and undesirable? I am enjoying getting older (33) and find older men, like myself, to be the most interesting, authentic and attractive.
Great post!
i guess the question is: how do you combat ageism in a youth-obsessed society?
as others have pointed out (and as i have expressed elsewhere), the problem is not unique to the black gay community. in fact, given the high occurence of may-december relationships in our community, one might argue that gay men are addressing/confronting/negating the nation’s ageist impulses.
but i’m interested in hearing more about the elements that shape our perception of “a welcoming community”.
what exactly constitutes “a welcoming community”? an environment free of looksism? free of shade? organized around acceptance? if so, how many of these currently exist (for men of ANY age)?
it’s hard for me to wrap my mind around the experience. my sense of “community” has always been tied primary to a constellation of friends and friends of friends rather than a place or group… never have i looked to a CBO, HIV/AIDS service, faith community, bar or club to provide a sense of community.
Then there’s the academy, the literary circle and the blogsphere. Lately, I’ve felt connected to other black queer academics, black gay literati and black bloggers, many of whom are gay. However, there are folks of all ages in all of these groups.
So there they are: 3 groups to which I belong in which I experience no overt ageism. That is not to say that these groups couldn’t do a better job of being more welcoming or more inclusive…. but there would certainly need to be a conversation about what exactly that would look like and how we might realistically begin realizing that vision.
I agree with Larry that this isn’t just an issue for the Black LGBT community, which in addition has suffered the devastating losses of several generations our family during the early and middle years of the AIDS pandemic.
If I can posit a half-full glass situation, there are organizations out there where Black LGBT people are welcome and respected. They aren’t the bars and clubs, or sex venues, etc., but age and interest-specific organizations where brothas of all backgrounds, ages, and so on, are invited to be active and participate. Do GBT brothas over 50 want to belong to these organizations, or are they still interested in hanging with, attracting and getting with 20 year olds?
Another problem is that unlike white gay men (and the “polar bear,” “Daddy” and “Chiron rising” phenomena to me are so indicative of this, as they connect with so many aspects of American society that valorize older white men, especially the wealthy ones), we have so few–and create so few–representations of Black brothas over a certain age. We further and foster the youthful obsession that characterizes our communities (and this too is a reflection of American culture in general). Perhaps if we decided to celebrate ourselves more, we would begin to respect ourselves more.
I don’t think we are going to change the youth-centric, infantalized cast of American society or its sub-units, which include the mainstream White gay, and mainstream Black LGBT worlds, anytime soon. But creating spaces for each other, both virtual and in the real world, are crucial, and as I’ve said before, if we want to see certain things happen, we’re going to have to create them, because no one else is going to do it for us.