Weapons of Mass Transportation

I ride the subways and buses in NYC almost every day, and it never ceases to amaze me some of the downright ignorant things people do:

• Why do some people carry around three or four expired Metrocards and hold up the line to get on the bus going through all of them? And of course, none of them have any money left. (Black folks, you know who you are.)

• Why do some other people try to get on the bus with dollar bills? It’s either a Metrocard or cash, no paper money. (Tourists, you know who you are. Read a damn guide book before you visit the city.) Now frankly, I think the MTA needs to change the machines to accept paper but that’s beside the point.

• And why, oh why, do some people (almost always women) wait until they are right in front of the turnstiles before they go digging in their pocketbooks for their Metrocard? Ok, when you were walking down the street, did you not know you were headed towards the subway? When you saw the sign that said “Subway” and went down the stairs, didn’t it occur to you that you would need your card to get into the station? Why, in the middle of morning or afternoon rush hour, with people lined up behind you and the train pulling into the station, does it suddenly occur to you to look for your damn card? I see some woman do this at least once a day, every day of the week.

• And I know what the women are thinking right about now. “Why do men always sit on the train with their legs spread, taking up so much space?” Simple answer. A dick and balls. When the family jewels get to hang freely, blood doesn’t rush to our heads (the big one). But when we’re forced to squeeze our legs together, the pain is excruciating and we can barely make it to the next station. Which brings me to my next point…

• Why do some people insist on squeezing their fat asses into seats that clearly aren’t wide enough? Especially now, with everybody wearing winter coats, the space on the train is at a minimum, but some people always think their butt can still fit. I’m not picking on any particular gender, but if I was to keep track of who does it more often…

• And you assholes reading the New York Times piss me off. There was a time in this city when Times readers knew how to do “the fold.” But with all the yuppie transplants and college graduates living here for their first job, there’s a new clueless generation that doesn’t understand how to fold it into smaller sections so they don’t bump and annoy the people next to them. They want to impress everybody by reading an adult newspaper and must think they’re sitting in their fucking living rooms. (See below for instructions on how to do “the fold.”)

• And you people with cell phones really piss me off! On the bus, you’re the assholes who have to hold a conversation so that everybody can hear it. We don’t give a shit about your boring life, shut up already. The call ain’t that important.

• When the 1 train comes above ground at 125th Street, why does everybody have to whip out their cell phone to make the call saying, “Yeah, it’s me. I’ll be home in five minutes.” WTF! You’ll be home in five minutes, why do you need to call? Every day I see this. In english and spanish. Idiots!

• Why do teenagers make so much damn noise on the train? In the morning, adults are reading the paper or a book or catching some z’s, but the obnoxious little bastards, all standing right next to each other, are shouting at the top of their lungs, swearing and using the “N” word. If that doesn’t make the case for birth control I don’t know what will.

• And will you people walk all the way into the center of the car! There are people behind you trying to get on the train, and you stop right in the doorway! Are you completely stupid? “Well, I don’t want to go too far in ‘cause I’m getting off in a few stops.” Well, we’ll step aside and let you off then, but move in so we can get on.

• Finally, when the train is jam-packed, like in the morning, why do some people insist on getting on anyway? (White folks on the Upper West Side, you damn sure know who you are!) Trains run back to back to back in the morning and if you can’t fit on one, there’s another one right behind it. “But I’m already late for work.” Well squeezing on this one ain’t gonna make yo’ azz on time!

I could go on, but I’m sure you get the point. You probably have some of your own public transportation pet peeves. Bring ‘em on.

How to fold the New York Times. This used to be fairly common knowledge, but somewhere along the line people either forgot or never learned. If you learn it, you won’t get nasty stares from riders sitting next to you.

The New York Times is a “broadsheet,” a rectangular newspaper that is longer vertically than horizontally. The front page and most inside pages, have six columns from left to right and a horizontal fold midway down. You can compact it initially just by bending it along that fold. But you can read any page of the paper easily by first, folding the newspaper vertically between columns 3 and 4, cutting the size in half vertically. If you then bend it again along the horizontal middle fold, you now have a paper that is one-quarter its usual size, and which can be held in one hand.

But articles often start on one page and continue somewhere else. So unfold it at the horizontal middle so that you have the full length with the vertical fold between columns 3 and 4. Turn back the next page to that same vertical halfway point, keeping the fold between columns 3 and 4. If you need to read any part of the paper that is on the inner side, along the newspaper’s spine, simply turn back the newspaper along the spine, keeping the size to one-half vertically. To turn any more pages, just repeat this procedure. You can again fold it along the horizontal middle to reduce it to one quarter.

Weekdays, the Times usually has four sections. Work with a section at a time, not the whole paper. There is never a legitimate reason to sit on a crowded subway train trying to read the Times (or the Wall Street Journal; this works with it too) with your arms fully extended and the paper spread wide open. You will only piss me off!