…2005…2006…

It has been awhile since I�ve blogged. This entry may be a bit disjointed, but it is an attempt to bring you up to date on what�s been going on in my life.

Needless to say, Christmas this year was different. In some ways it was better than Christmases past in that we didn�t decorate, put up a tree or even give gifts but as a family simply spent quality time with one another doing simple things. Not having Dad there physically for the first time made the difference, but we weren�t sad at that occurrence, rather reflective. Memories from Christmases gone by had us sharing thoughts and stories of things he�d said or done. They were all good memories.

I�ve been head chef at Mom�s house for the past two weeks and that was fun and challenging. My younger brother visiting from Atlanta is a vegetarian, so I not only had to create dinner for Mom, my oldest brother and myself, but something meatless and nourishing for him. In my post culinary school development as a chef, this helped me rediscover the fun of cooking. I wasn�t following someone else�s menu and I had people around to enjoy my creations. It also freed Mom of this daily responsibility at a time when she wasn�t really in the mood and had her hands full responding to the tons of condolence messages.

Speaking of condolences and trying to say this as delicately as I can, I do wish people would stop asking me how I�m holding up. Family members and I have all had this conversation since the funeral and agree that we�re doing just fine…so long as nobody asks, �How are you holding up?� I know people mean well, and I do thank them for asking, but asking is sometimes intruding on my need to process privately. If you want to be helpful, if and when I express a need to open up and share, then simply lend an ear. Otherwise, we can just as easily talk about the Giants making the playoffs, Bush�s domestic spying fiasco, the MTA agreement with the TWU or anything else but.

My folks were/are very prominent and active people in my hometown and you can�t walk very far without running into someone who knew my father. Out grocery shopping over the holidays, all these people kept coming up to my mother, asking that question, and kissing her on the cheek. We�ve got a joke now that Mom is gonna have to keep running home to wash her face.

Middle of last week we drove down to Maryland to spend a day with relatives from my Mother�s side of the family, including a cousin I�d not seen since we were both children, and her husband and kids whom I had never met. I earned my membership into the Teamsters with about 14 hours behind the wheel over two days but it was all worth it. Three generations and lots of love and laughter was a good antidote.

It also helped crystalize what�s so lacking in my life here in NYC. I have a lack of quality relationships here. Lots of acquaintances, but very few real friends who understand me and just let me be me, the way family does. The 24 hours spent in Maryland was about unconditional love, not body fascists or shade or having to dress a certain way to get attention or any other such nonsense that invades too many spaces here. I need more of the former, less of the latter.

I am also insanely jealous about the living arrangements two of my cousins have. One is older, the other younger, both are single Black professional females. But more importanly, both own their own homes. Houses with land and garages, not overpriced, tiny-ass New York City apartments. Houses, with real kitchens where a serious cook can do some serious cooking, not �kitchenettes� with no counters and not enough space to really entertain. Houses, with real furniture and space to move around, space to invite guests and allow them to stay overnight without any real inconvenience to the host.

The things that I want, the things that I value, cannot be acquired here in NYC. The things I do enjoy here can be enjoyed just as easily as a visitor.

Not posting over the past two weeks means I didn�t do my usual end of the year remembrance of those who left us in 2005. Last year saw the passing of a number of notable people, including those from show business and sports. People like Shirley Chisholm, Ossie Davis, Luther Vandross, Peter Jennings, John H. Johnson, August Wilson, Wellington Mara, Rosa Parks and Richard Pryor are some of those who come quickest to mind. I will also not forget a friend and college classmate, Mike Hilbert, who we lost at the start of last year.

I don�t make New Year�s resolutions but I do make plans. I think this needs to be a year for more personal changes, like a new job and a relocation to a new place to live. I have a profound sense of time and mortality and a desire not to waste it doing things that are neither productive nor enjoyable.