Im in this strange place right now. New doors are opening. Old doors may be closing. Other doors seem nailed shut. And Im trying to make sense of it all.
School is actually past the halfway point. We end the cooking program in April, with 210 hours of an externship to follow. In June the management program ends. But now there is this creeping uncertainty about what to do next. Being a student is fun and safe. You get to play at the work in a safe space and never really test your skills in real world situations. Graduating brings a new set of challenges.
A culinary education is a foundation, but in reality you know nothing at the time of graduation. The learning begins when you work in the field. In case you didnt know, however, food service work is long and hard and doesnt pay shit, front or back of the house (restaurant lingo for host/wait staff vs. kitchen staff). The first few years, I could see my current income cut in half, and a total loss of benefits. (The industry isnt known for offering benefits either.) You make decent money when you move up the ladder to supervisor or manager level, but that takes years of grinding it out in 6 day weeks and 14 hour days spent on your feet the entire time.
I knew all of this going in, so I wasnt blindsided by the news. Im just coming to grips with the fact that an actual career change is soon at hand, and I dont know if Im ready to leave my comfort zone. Ive plotted out scenarios where I stay in my current job and just work part-time on weekends somewhere. But staying isnt a certainty either, what with our constant funding problems, and that would only delay my real world culinary education. Or Ive contemplated some cushy job in corporate dining. You will never make great cuisine but you do get 9-5 hours, better pay and benies.
I think the long-range goal is to be a caterer, but even that has changed. School has opened my eyes to other possibilities, and ways to perhaps wed my existing skills, interests and experiences with these new ones. I could wind up some sort of hybrid chef/food writer/teacher/caterer. I just know Ill keep moving forward towards some goal, however unclear at the moment, because standing still isnt really an option.
Neither is waiting around for someone to walk through life with. I always get squeamish posting stuff about my abysmal love life, lest it sound like self-pitification. (Yeah, I made that word up, you got a problem?)
It hasnt escaped my attention that we are nearing the last of the high holy days (Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years Eve and St. Valentines Day) when societally-imposed happiness breaks out across the land, and we are all suppose to revel in each others company. (I also had a birthday two weeks ago, which is always a time of reflection.) Especially on the last two, single folks are expected to couple up and engage in wanton displays of lovemaking and joy. Ok, right.
This February 14 will find me in the same state as the last one, and the year before that, and the year before that And I dont mean New York. About as close to forming a personal partnership as I am to creating a business one. Try as I might to either change the situation or wallow in self-pity, I am powerless to do it alone in the former, and see no value to the latter. I just have to keep moving forward towards the goals Ive set for myself. Maybe my accomplishments will garner the attention of someone worthy, maybe they wont. Maybe that aspect of my life was never meant to blossom. At this point I have allowed myself to entertain such thoughts. But at the end of this journey I need to know most importantly that Ive realized my own dreams. So I march on.
8 comments ↓
I remember very little from my undergraduate commencement ceremony. In fact, I only remember three things: walking in, being told to build alliances and the choir singing March On. Bernie, I know that you will continue to move forward and march into the realities that are dreams for you right now. You had the courage to step OUT on faith and promise to start the long and tough process of going to culinary school and I have no doubt you will step UP when school is over and your career in the field begins.
Thank you for sharing this realness, Bernie. Life is full of changes and challenges and the kicker is, we never really know what the outcome will be.
That said, I think you should “do what you feel” and what you believe will give you satisfaction and, *gasp*, even happiness.
Some days, I’m tempted to go back to restaurant marketing. Then I remember those hours and the struggle and for me, it’s not an option. Plus, I’ve been down that road already.
Charter a new path and you just might charter new experiences leading you to the fulfillment you seek.
whatever the outcome - it feels as if you are on the right path
i don’t know if you practice religion or if you have some sort of spiritual foundation, but if you do, then you know that things will work themselves out in ways unexpected
a couple of years ago when i decided to go to grad school after being laid off - i had no idea what was in store for me - i planned many things - some happened - some didn’t - but however it turned out and continues to turn out - i know that there is some higher madness to the reality that lies beneath the life i’m living
I feel you B. When I moved I came here thinking, I made it in NYC, I can make it ANYWHERE,” I have yet to make it in DC and I’m still trying to find my way four and a half years later. I’m working for myself [as they call it] and slowly making a name for myself. Be patient and most of all, be creative. You may have something with that hybrid chef/food writer/teacher/caterer! Work it out!
so many people are trying to put the pieces together this year. i’m one of them. but as i move forward in my *new* life i’m constantly reminding myself “this is for me”, not money, not the family, not for anything or anyone but me.
keep that in mind as you move forward…
Hey Bernard:
Thank you for sharing with us all your multifaceted struggles with career decisions and your struggle with obtaining a both a career and a personal life.
I too, have been contemplatling what my lot is going to be in terms of finding someone special to take that personal walk with and have come up empty handed more times then what I care to admit.
Just recently, a guy who I have an interest in asked me this question:
“Why is someone who is as nice looking as you, and who posseses such a good personality still single?”
That question has been on my mind since I have been asked it.
One one level, when guys see that you are still single and possess the desirable qualities that they are seeking, they become afraid that something is really wrong with you and are scared off, like it’s too good to be true that you are single
Anyway, I told him that I have not yet found that person who I am looking for…and that he has not found me yet either.
So, I am saying all of this to say that Bernie, hang in there, your time is chose at hand friend!
P.S. Do you remember the night that you and I stayed up until about 1:30 a.m. on a weekday talking, looking at your MAC and you telling me about how you obtained the art that hung from your walls. From time to time, I reminisce about that night and how the air seemed pregnant with expectation and wonder what could have become of it. I left thinking that the heat in the apartment and the time of the night created a kind of intimacy that friends seldom share! SMILE
You are a sweet, intellgent, kind and disireable man. One day the right guy will take notice of that.
Just keep being patient!!
Be encouraged Bernie for the answers will come but, in the meantime, it sounds like you may need to give Cordell a call….LOL!!
I make it a habit not to go to concerts on Valentine’s Day. Abbey Lincoln is in town this weekend and I am going Saturday night so I can sit at home in the dark and eat bon bons on Monday. Valentine’s Day has always been a little vexing for me since my adoptive mother died the day after Valentine’s Day. I have never forgotten having the candy I sent her brought back home. As for my love life, I think I have only had a date on Valentine’s Day maybe once or twice. I usually do something special for myself like buy some flowers. Hang in there.