I didn’t write any deeply personal observations on World AIDS Day. I didn’t feel as though I had any to make, but I wanted to observe the occasion and be informative so I did use this space wisely. I hope readers got something out of it. Reading other blogs however has managed to stir some thinking about matters I’ve long tried to suppress.
I left the following comment on Christopher’s site, “I once heard it said that staying HIV negative is a full-time job. I had to agree. The temptation to react without thinking, to respond to basic urges and physical needs without a thought to the consequences, is ever present. Sometimes I feel there is more support after people test positive than there is to deal with the daily temptations.”
Previously I have alluded to how socially unproductive my life has been lately. The combination of being isolated from an identifiable peer group, lonely, horny, and in my mid-40’s in a world that thinks 30 is old, can be a lethal cocktail.
Were I only interested in sexual encounters, this is the Sin City to live in. No matter who or what you’re looking for, you can find someone to do it with without too much effort. But when it is deeper, meaningful relationships you are after, you can die of thirst in this dessert.
And that I suppose is the greatest challenge to staying HIV negative. We all have needs. Hell, I have needs. But they aren’t really being met in any satisfactory way. When you get just a whiff of attention—always in the form of a sexual flirtation—do you ignore it, or act on the impulse? If you act, do you think of the long-term ramifications or just react? If you react, will you suffer consequences you’ll regret later?
People who test positive for HIV can find any number of resources available in most communities to deal with the initial trauma, health management regimens and re-socialization through support groups and therapy. But those of us supposedly healthy need support too in order to stay that way, and I’m not sure if or where it exists.
5 comments ↓
.:begin rant:.
finding someone to love in today’s market of mixed fruit (no pun intended) has to be a pain in the ass. not only are applicants required to provide a body fat report, one must also work out at least 3 times a week (and have a club membership to prove it), pass your friend’s *grilling* test (”chile he’s tired”), and as you mentioned, meet the age restriction (”and he’s how old?”).
what happened to the basics? when did *meeting* someone become so complicated? and why are we still *tolerating* this crap? have we adapted so much we can’t recognize bullsh*t when we see it?
everday life is about prevention, and not just from illnesses. once we realize this, shouldn’t change come about?
.:end rant:.
Looking to be socially productive? How about starting your own support group for HIV Negative, 40+ brothers?! I’m not sure if that is too exclusionary but you can at least start some kind group to discuss these issues. I know of one in Chicago that has been quite successful and ongoing. Do da damn thing! :-D
yes trying to have a meaningful relationship is hard these days people play too many games are only in it for themselves. it is sad that there are lot of african american females that are h.i.v. positive and also young men. i saw a clip on bet 30 minute segment about 2 sisters who contacted h.i.v. well one of them got lucky and didn’t have it she was told by her boyfriend that he was h.i.v. positive so she took the test, well this chic’s sister took it also and ended up being the one with it. we need to educate our young people more about h.i.v., aids and using protection and not to be sexually involved with more than one partner.
Its very hard to trust people. When we encounter potential lover we have a guard up because someone hurt us in the past. This guard is the beginning of the games we play. Most of the time, the game ends when someone is tired of it. Right now, Brotha bejata i truly feel you. I’m tired of the crap that men put each other through.
As Christoper said, “everyday is about prevention.” When we as a community and even as a people begin to think there are consequences to our actions we will move forward together.
We know that HIV is around us. Most are educated. Its in that heat of the moment we chose to let our guard down and let HIV creep into our bodies without a hint of the ejection.
The internet seems to be the main outlet for men who are out and “da low.” We tend stay constantly on looks before we even engage in a conversation. Can we meet without you knowing how much i’m packing or how big is my butt? When do we move forward.
My bad for the long comment.
I’m glad you found my site — but I’m even more glad that I found yours. This post was profound, yet uncomplicated. I look forward to reading more.