That Inner Voice

Once again, I’ve read one of my fellow bloggers’ sites and seen someone else capture my own thoughts succinctly.

Not that I have my shit together–not by any stretch of the imagination–but I posted a comment there, that was as much for her as it was for me. I share the same affliction.

Years ago in my acting days, whenever someone would ask me “what’s your type” meaning what roles are you best suited for, my pat reply was “I am a short, stocky, slightly balding, middle-aged character actor.” I played Dads, or office workers, or cops. I played lots of cops. Patrolmen, detectives, undercover, cops, because I looked like an average schmo. Nondescript, indistinguishable, Joe Everyman. But never the lead.

Maybe I carried my show business persona over into my personal life, because I’ve never managed to see myself as anyone special. I walk into a room full of people and no heads turn, no one dying to strike up a conversation with me. Just another face in the crowd.

All of which makes the search for companionship one filled with trepidation. My inner voice whispers negative thoughts in my ear. When I see someone taller, with a better physique, better looks, better dressed, a more exciting job, “A” list credentials–an obvious leading man–that voice says, “Don’t waste your time. He’d never be interested. What have you got to offer him?” Film set etiquette dictates background actors don’t talk to principals. The moment passes and the inner voice only gets louder with the years.

Is it a poor self-image? Setting my sights too high to begin with? Fear of a successful relationship? Lack of affirmation for my own qualities? Being too susceptible to society’s standards of beauty and desireability? Some combination of all of them?

Knowing your problem is the first step towards dealing with it.