Entries from August 2004 ↓

Ok, what’s going on?

Some of my fellow bloggers—and you all know who you are—have been sending me invites to join yet another online “friend/contact” service. I’ve gotten four invites in the past three days, two today.

Is this like that Orkut nonsense? Give me a reason why I should consider this and I might. Otherwise…

The folks at UNITEHERE, headquartered five blocks south of Madison Square Garden on 7th Avenue and 26th Street, put out the welcome mat for delegates to the Republican National Convention. This sign went up Tuesday and will be part of organized labor’s organized demonstration against the convention and the Bush administration.

UNITE, formerly the International Ladies Garment Workers Union (remember their old commercial jingle, “Look for the union label…”), represents textile workers. They recently merged with HERE which represents hotel and restaurant employees. Textile workers, who make all the clothes we wear, have seen their jobs disappear from New York City and the United States, as clothing manufacturers use low-wage sweatshops overseas. Understandably, they have no interest in pro-business politicians who favor job exporting.

I’ll keep my eyes open and camera ready. There may be more signs of welcome in the weeks leading up to the convention.

Its funny to me (funny ironic, not funny ha ha) how different people can be going through similar experiences around the same time. Just as I have been spending inordinate amounts of time lately thinking about the deficiencies in my personal life, so apparently have others.

Specifically, I ‘m talking about how after working long hours on the job every day, I come home to an empty apartment and continue to spend more time by myself than seems healthy. I can no longer continue to pretend that it doesn’t bother me.

Recently, my supervisor and I attended a conference for agencies that provide health-related and other social services for Black MSM across the city, state and northeast region. My supervisor is a 30-something, single Black heterosexual female. With close to 60 Black gay men represented, guess which one of us came out of there with a phone number? (Ok, a guy made the hookup for his straight brother, but you get the point.)

There are times when I feel like the kid who needs a pork chop around his neck before the dog will play with him. I don’t know what it is, but I tend not to get approached in most social settings. Despite my background and skills, I am at heart a very shy person and have never had an easy time meeting others. I can professionally schmooz but it feels so phony when I’m doing it for personal reasons. It really helps to have others make the first move.

I think I am also a victim of my own image. An image, I might add, I worked hard to create. From comments I have received over most of my life, I think the perception of me is of one who is all about business, who has no interest in meaningful or romantic relationships, or is difficult to get to know. None of that could be further from the truth.

Those who know me often come to me for advice, or help, or emotional support or some other reason, and I willingly give it. If I volunteer for something it is because I plan to give it my best effort. People know this and often try to enlist my assistance. But all of this has seemed to perpetuate the notion that I am just some kind of functionary, a utilitarian, a worker bee who isn’t interested in doing anything fun. Invites for other kinds of stuff are rare. Having someone around to lean on when I need a hand is even rarer.

June marked six years in New York City, six years of considerable isolation. I have gotten over my reservations about going to movies or plays or museum exhibits by myself (I still can’t eat dinner in a restaurant alone however), but I’m growing frustrated in my inability to locate places where people who share my interests might hang out, spaces beyond bars and clubs.

Real dates (going out with someone I didn’t already know) have been few, but even when they have occurred, second dates have been harder to come by. I’m at a point where I’m just not meeting many new faces. I wish I could say I was optimistic about the future, but I’m not.

Pride has always made it difficult for me to acknowledge these feelings. I guess that’s a perpetuation of my image as stoic. I realize writing this runs the risk of making me seem foolish, whiney, or desperate, but that’s not the intention either.

As I try to connect the various parts of myself that have for so long felt disjointed and compartmentalized, I want very much to be seen as a whole human being, someone capable of giving and open to receiving love and affection, a passionate, sexual person, someone who is both supportive and in need of support, in order to make it through the day.

It’s the weekend and I’m a lazy blogger. I’ve been trying to write a meaningful entry (and still may, just not today) but can’t come up with anything. So I borrowed this idea from Karsh.

You can ask me three questions and I’ll answer them…maybe.

At age 47, New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey had the most difficult task of acknowledging to himself, the citizens of his state, and the rest of the country that not only is he gay, but that because of what he described as a consensual affair with another man, he was forced to resign his office to avoid further impact on his family and position.

The depth of his lifelong battle to suprress his real sexual identity may never be known, but the truth surrounding the reasons for his resignation are becoming clearer.

News reports following his announcement indicate strong questions about a recent hiring for the director of the state’s Homeland Security office. That hiring may have lead to both the affair and a possible sexual harassment lawsuit against the governor.

In his speech however, McGreevey was vague. He simply expressed remorse.

Reaction from gay and lesbian groups was swift.

Ironically, this announcement came on the same day that the California Supreme Court voided thousands of same sex marriages conducted in San Francisco last February. McGreevey ironically had opposed same sex marriage for New Jersey, a state that remains one of the most progressive when it comes to gay rights.