I have always tried to strike a balance on this blog between commenting on the world and the things that interest me, and being introspective and revelatory. It isnt really in my nature to use this as a space merely to pour out my soul. Ive spent too much time shaping and crafting the perfect image to allow myself to come off as the scared, insecure, moody, lonely and depressed person I often am offline.
But lately it seems like Ive been running uphill in mud wearing snowshoes while trying to push a truck with a piano strapped to my back. Despite my best efforts to be professional and put the best face on things, Im constantly exhausted, mentally more than physically, and its getting harder to fake it. If I didnt have the daily obligation of going to work I could easily just stay in bed for days.
As you know, thoughts of work have taken up major space in my brain. My personal uncertainty seems to have passed. Ill still have work past June 30, albeit different from what Im doing now. But others in the department werent so lucky and knowing that theyre getting the axe has cast a cloud over the place. That no one in senior administration is trying to manage the emotional feelings affecting remaining staff isnt helping things.
This was once quite a fun place to work, but it has lost some of its joy. The department has diminished considerably in numbers and the sense of camaraderie and collegiality that we once had is gone, largely due to changes in funding. When government funders change their priorities, nonprofits have to shift accordingly, chasing the new money, regardless of whether or not its a perfect fit. Good people, through no fault of their own, have been forced to move on.
Knowing I have a reprieve gives me time to plan my own departure, on my own terms. But just knowing that causes stress. Once again, I have to think about where Im going and what I want to do. Long range life planning has never been my strong suit. I have many interests and some ideas, but dont really know what I want to be when I grow up.
Outside of work things arent much better. I am constantly perplexed at how you can live in a city of 8 million people and feel all alone, but that is often my existence. June 20 will mark six years here and while I have many acquaintances, I have few of what I consider true friends. Not friends in the way I defined it prior to moving here. I can hang out with people now and even have a good time, but the relationships are never much more than surface level.
I wont bore you with the (lack of) details of my love life. I might as well wrap that suit in plastic and put it back in the closet.
So, I ride the treadmill of life; get up, go to work, come home, go to sleep, wake up, repeat. The desire to get out and experience things is there, but companionship often isnt, which then affects desire. Trips to the gym enable me to keep the physical together, but the mental state is still under duress.
Hopefully, this too shall pass.