It’s officially fall, the days are getting shorter and soon the weather will start getting cooler. A long period of dreary cold and darkness lies ahead, from which we’ll have little escape until next spring sometime.
Ironically, I hear friends talking about how it’s time to find a man, as if they were a seasonal purchase like snow tires or a fur coat. The purpose is the same however, to keep you warm and get you through the rough winter. If only it were that easy.
New York is a big city, with an increasing number of us living alone or identifying as single. That the population of singles seems to be growing is indicative of the fact that despite our best efforts, many of us are not coupling up, at least not for the long-term anyway. Nobody’s keeping statistics on the dating practices of same-gender-loving men and women of color, but I’m sure we’ve all got our own anecdotal evidence to share. In short, things are rough all over.
To be surrounded by people all day—at work, on the street, on the train—and yet have no one single person to call your own, can create feelings of isolation the depths of which our straight friends and family members may not fully grasp. Oh sure, there are clubs and bars to go to, but they often seem the first place people complain about when they talk of what’s lacking in our social circles. Familiarity breeds contempt, and prolonged isolation can breed despair and frustration and a nagging sense of hopelessness. Who among us hasn’t said or heard someone say recently, “There aren’t any good men/women out there.”
And yet the need to connect, on whatever level, remains. We are social creatures, meant to experience life in one another’s company. “I was not meant to live alone,” is more than a line from a Luther song, it’s a universal truth. But longer work schedules, relocation, and the absence of viable social support networks only add to our sense of detachment from one another. Yet the need to connect remains.
The Internet has leapt into the void by providing avenues for those seeking to fill social niches, but they too seem limited and have their pitfalls. The explosion in escort services and DL sex parties has been assisted greatly by their ability to advertise on the net. Websites matching clients for dating or booty calls are prolific. But has there been any noticeable increase in the quality of our relationships as a result? Or are we now cruising our parks and bath houses in cyberspace?
I’m not one who believes an Internet chat room is an inherently better or worse place to meet a potential partner, it is simply a different way. Common sense would tell anyone to take precautions regardless of where they meet people, and not rush into anything without knowing whom they are with. Safe sex is not just about STDs. The Anti-Violence Project here in New York reports that 10 percent of all bias crimes are pick-up crimes. They see some 50-75 calls a year from people who met an attacker online.
Fall and winter do lie ahead, and it would be lovely to snuggle up next to someone warm and cozy every night. But the same challenges that face us during spring and summer still exist. Where can we meet someone with whom we can build a meaningful, long-lasting relationship, so that this near desperate search doesn’t become an annual event.
1 comment so far ↓
Who says you have to settle for “A” good man… why not “A”, “B”, “C” and “D”?? We may not link with all that we want from just one someone… perhaps different key elements are found in different people. Networking at different personal and professional functions has introduced me to many people…. not necessarily to hook up… but to socialize and perhaps meet others they know with whom I may otherwise not have had contact.