Get Some
Here’s something to wrap your head around (or wrap around your head). The City of New York now has it’s own official condom.
Just in time for Valentine’s Day, the New York City Health Department unveiled it, making the Big Apple first in the nation with an official brand. Best of all, it's free.
"Condoms can prevent HIV, other sexually transmitted infections, and unintended pregnancies," said Dr. Thomas R. Frieden, New York City's Health Commissioner. "Abstinence is failsafe, and reducing the number of sexual partners reduces risk of infections. But for sexually active people, using a condom is key to staying healthy."
Through an Internet-based ordering system, the Health Department has recently boosted the distribution of free condoms from 2.5 million per year to some 18 million per year. The new branding effort will further increase the number. That’s a whole lotta fu…uh…usage.
To find out where to get a free NYC Condom, or to place a bulk order, call 311 or visit www.nyccondom.org
Roses and Chocolates and Bears, Oh My
“I got a rock.” -- Charlie Brown, “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”
If you sell flowers, candy or stuffed teddy bears, today is your day. It is the equivalent of the Christmas holiday season, a chance to make your entire nut for the year. Toss in the jewelers and restaurants, and there are a lot of folks making money off the St. Valentine’s Day lovefest, the final holiday in the overly-commercialized season of socially-imposed happiness that begins with Thanksgiving (think turkey and airline travel), continues through Christmas (the mother of them all) and New Year’s (champagne, tuxedo rentals, large catered parties) before ending today. Frankly, about the only one I can stomach is Thanksgiving, no pun intended.
We’ve all been told we’re supposed to be happy, as if whatever else may be going on in our lives or in the world will somehow disappear. And we’ll be happier still if we just make those cash registers ring-a-ling all across the land. Bah humbug!
For the umpteenth time in at least as many years, Cupid’s arrow hasn’t been fired anywhere near me. I can’t even recall the last time I saw his little naked ass in the neighborhood. But that’s ok. Really.
People in relationships have a heightened awareness of the state of their relationships on Valentine’s Day. They do little things (or big things) for each other as a way to say, “I love you.” There is nothing inherently wrong with taking a day to do that, even if that fact was never in doubt before. If it was, then this day can also create an opportunity to either work to strengthen the bonds or decide if it’s worth it to go on. Although I have to figure getting dumped today would be truly fucked up.
But if you’re not in a relationship, haven’t been in ages, and see no signs of that ever changing, this day is just major suckage. The media will do their annual stories on the price of a dozen roses, do man (and woman) on the street interviews to find out how couples are celebrating, and the day will be filled with reminders that one is the loneliest number. All this glee, with no glee for thee.
I have grown in my own comfortability around singlehood. I’m not as bummed out over it as I was in past years. I have accepted the possibility (probablility?) that this may remain my natural state for the rest of the run and have reoriented my life and my thinking accordingly. I’m doing me now. If someone comes into my life one day, fine. If not, I know how to cook dinner on my own, can take my ownself to the theater and I’m still working towards getting a house, dammit.
Happy Valentine’s Day, y'all!
Love & Marriage
My life is all about irony.
On the very day that the New York State Court of Appeals handed down its decision that same-sex marriage was unconstitutional under state law, yours truly had to attend a bachelor party for an old college friend who got married this past Saturday. I also attended the wedding and was asked to serve as MC during the reception.
Now years ago, there was a period right after I graduated when a number of my college and even high school classmates were getting hitched and it was still fun getting old friends together. But the older I got the less fun they became, and the more secure I became in my own identity, the more it became apparent to me how fundamentally unfair the whole marriage rights issue is.
I don’t have a problem with heterosexual marriage. I think straight people should have every right to marry if they’ve actually found someone special and in fact really are in love. But those big gaudy displays of heterosexual privilege, complete with bouquet and garter tosses and the unstated expectation that some lucky “single” in the audience will be next, leaves me a bit cold, considering how this is a privilege to which I am not entitled by law. Unless it’s a family member or close friend, I’ll pass, thank you.
This past weekend fell into the close friend category and I would have been hard pressed to bail out. This friend who I’ve known about 26 years, has waited his whole life to find that special woman and he has. They make a great couple and he’s truly happy. In the company of so many straight married husbands at the bachelor party and couples at the wedding and reception, I wasn’t going to go all political and engage everyone in a discourse on the current inequities of the law. I smiled, laughed and told some jokes, and was happy for him that he was getting what he wanted in life.
But the entire time I could not escape the realization that even if I had someone significant in my life right now, by law, I am denied such a celebration.
Towards a Real Defense of Marriage Act
I have never understood why a lesbian or gay couple that has been together in a loving relationship for 20 years can’t get married, but an 18 year old boy who knocks up a 16 year old girl can get hitched before the year is out and will often be encouraged to do so.
And yet the President of the United States believes that the sanctity of marriage can only be maintained if we pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting people of the same sex from marrying, defining marriage as an act only between a man and a woman, and prohibiting judges from requiring states to grant same-sex couples the legal benefits of marriage.
Now, we all recognize this as an election year ploy to divide voters and enable right-wing conservatives to win or maintain seats in Congress. But the very flawed theory behind it—at least the theory they hope slow thinkers will gravitate towards—is that somehow or other, heterosexual marriage as we know it is under attack. If we allow gays and lesbians to marry, the theory goes, then somehow or other we’ll no longer have any more straight folks running to the altar, and kids will grow up without a mommy and a daddy. Civilization as we know it will go to hell in a handbasket. Or so the theory goes.
Mind you, the divorce rate for married couples has held steady at about 50 percent for decades now, and 30 percent of American families are headed by a single parent according to the most recent census. That 1950’s image of the intact nuclear family hasn’t existed in reality since…well…the 1950’s, if it did even then.
And if we want to talk about the destruction of civilization, well George Bush is doing a good enough job of that all by himself.
And yet there are no laws on the books in any state putting limits on the number of marriage licenses that can be issued, so clearly any “threats” to the institution of marriage come from elsewhere, most likely problems affecting individual couples and the circumstances around their decision to marry. Instead of denying loving same sex couples the right to the benefits of marriage, perhaps these protectors should look at making other changes. Since they seem unwilling to do so, I’ll put forth my own package of laws and changes I think would really defend and solidify marriage:
First, let’s impose mandatory age limits. If you have to be 18 to serve in the military and 21 to buy alcohol, why is it you can get married at 16? Raise the minimum age of marriage to 21, then impose…
Mandatory marriage counseling and training for all couples that get engaged. Such services should take at least a year to complete before couples can even plan the wedding. Counseling should include alternative dispute resolution training, family financial planning, relationship coaching, sexual advice, “home economics” classes and compatibility testing.
Eliminate shotgun weddings. No one should be forced to marry just because they’ve made someone pregnant. This would not relieve them of the responsibility of child support, but just because you can make a baby doesn’t mean you can create a loving family. Too many forced marriages only create more problems.
Eliminate eloping. It should be illegal to be able to run off and get married without telling others or receiving the mandatory counseling and training. This would include the drunks who stumble into wedding chapels in Nevada only to wake up the next morning sober and married.
Put a financial cap on wedding expenses. Bridezillas who want to impress their friends by holding the wedding to end all weddings start marriage off on the wrong foot. The couple and/or their families are all in debt out the ass and everybody is stressed out on wedding day trying to live out her princess fantasies. Keep it simple stupid and save the big blowout for your 25th anniversary.
Police background checks should be required whenever there is a wide disparity in either the age or financial status of the couple. Can a 20 year old big breasted blonde really love an 80 year old impotent millionaire? Maybe, but a mandatory police check might weed out the phonies. It would also uncover the polygamists and con artists.
Local communities must seriously address domestic violence. Violence in the home is one of the chief causes of broken marriages. Counseling in anger management must be available when appropriate, or else there should be incarceration with stiff penalties for first time offenders when necessary. Restraining orders rarely work.
Financial viability tests should be required before couples can have children. Kids cost money and couples that don’t have sufficient means to support them, should not be allowed to have them. Many couples are neither financially capable nor mentally mature enough to handle child-rearing and this often leads to divorce. However, we should…
Make divorces harder to obtain. Fifty percent of all heterosexual marriages end in divorce. Some people cut and run at the first sign of trouble, so the “quickie divorce” should be outlawed. Pass laws making marriage and financial counseling mandatory, since money issues are also a leading cause of divorce. A long cooling off period should be imposed to determine if reconciliation is possible.
Put a cap on alimony. Either a one-time payment or a fixed percentage of the wealthier spouses income, tied to the number of years in the marriage, would also deter the “gold-digger” syndrome. Alimony should be separation pay not retirement benefits.
The goal of my defense of marriage act would be to help those who wish to get married by giving them support before, during and if necessary, after the marriage.
But laws that merely attempt to block certain people from marrying who just happen to be of the same sex, solve none of the real issues that cause marriages to dissolve.
Alright, everyone form a circle…
And you thought Memorial Day was the only thing worth celebrating in May.
I can’t wait for the parades!
Question Time
When it comes to relationships and how to find, form and maintain long-lasting meaningful ones, I have more questions than answers. I am often engaging in conversations with friends online and off about why it seems everyone we all know, including ourselves, is single, lonely and unable to meet anyone we can connect with.
It doesn’t matter if I’m having this conversation with men or women, young or old, gay or straight, Black, White, Latin or Asian. There is the desire to meet people, but also great apprehension about opening up, trusting and committing the time and energy to a relationship. We all want it so bad, but seem unable or unwilling to overcome past pain learned through failed attempts.
In addition to those common threads, there is also the reality that the world as we were all brought up to see it, has changed. Most people are independent and able to fend for themselves. We don’t need someone to take care of us financially or to do the cooking and cleaning, but we certainly want companionship, intimacy, intellectual stimulation, or a shoulder to lean on during tough times.
This is the great paradox it seems. I see parallels in the search undertaken by both straight women and gay men. Many educated, professional women are self-sufficient. They have the means to provide for themselves. Many gay men are in the same boat, dependent on no one but themselves to take care of them.
Trifling men, with little to offer beyond a phyne body and a smooth line, won’t get too far with either.
So how do you form a relationship when you want someone but don’t need anyone in your life? Must potential mates now live up to a whole different standard that is more nebulus and less understood by both parties? Is it easier to break up and move on if a potential partner doesn’t live up to this invisible criteria? If you don’t know why you want someone in your life and what role you need them to play, can you ever find anyone that measures up? Can you ever hope to play the necessary role in anyone’s life? Is monogamy an anachronism? Are we all destined to have a pool of friends who serve various specific needs, but no one person to serve most or all?
As I said at the outset, I have more questions than answers.
UPDATE: I found this interesting take on the same subject, from a Black lesbian perspective, on a blog I've only recently discovered, Pica 12.
If You Believe in This Stuff
Capricorn Horoscope for the week of February 9, 2006
Happy Valentine Daze, Capricorn! To begin our meditation on love, let's turn our attention to your appearance. I think you owe a huge debt of gratitude to the fact that you don't have the face and body of a dazzling supermodel or gorgeous hunk. The temptation to rely on your physical attractiveness at the expense of developing your character would be virtually irresistible. In the coming days, this fact will bring you a fresh batch of benefits, including a subtle breakthrough in your romantic life. Here's your quote of the week, from Katharine Hepburn: "It is the plain women who know about love. The beautiful women are too busy being fascinating."
From Free Will Astrology
Divine Wisdom
Sometimes things just fall into your lap.
I opened an email this morning from the Kripalu Center for Yoga & Health, in Lenox, Massachusetts. Back in 1997, a good friend noticed that I seemed to be just kind of sleepwalking through life, not motivated to go after anything and not accomplishing anything significant either. She gave me a gift of a weekend retreat there that really changed my life and forced me to confront some things I had long been avoiding. Now, I still have issues, but at least I’m more aware and open to working on them.
But this email contained a very insightful article on love and relationships. It is completely in synch with ideas that had been roaming around in my mind. With St. Valentine’s Day right around the corner, I thought it might benefit a lot of folks to read this, regardless of your relationship status.
The Yoga of Relationships
by Kate and Joel FeldmanWhether we’re young, old, or somewhere in between, loving relationships take center stage in the theater of our lives. Ultimately, money, career, or achievements matter little compared to the love we invite into our lives and let unfold over time. We all yearn to have love in our lives and enjoy the magic, pleasures, and growth of loving another person. And it’s not just in our minds: Studies show that people in satisfying long-term relationships have stronger immune systems and are better able to tackle life’s ups and downs.
Yet, the path to relational oneness seems strewn with land mines. The initial stages of love can be so effortless, overpowering, and magical, we cannot imagine it will ever come to an end. But no matter how deep and intense the love, all relationships—whether they are romantic, family, or friendship relations—sooner or later face the same reality. As the newness wanes, the day-to-day realities of coexisting together become increasingly difficult to ignore. And this, inevitably, is where the real work begins.
Dealing with Differences
We all feel that our relationship issues are unique, but in reality we face remarkably similar challenges. They tend to center around disagreements about money, kids, sex, housework, in-laws, or leisure time. Couples who stay together happily for the long haul don’t disagree about these issues any less than couples who split up. The difference is in how they handle their differences and how they use skills to build long-term happiness and satisfaction. Many couples avoid conflict because they are afraid it will lead to divorce, but, paradoxically, the number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict. Successful couples understand that conflict is natural and learn to build mutual trust, which enables them to work through disagreements.
Many of the couples we work with complain, “If this is true love, why do we have to work so hard at it?” This is kind of like saying, “Why do I have to work so hard at mastering asanas or pranayama? Can’t I just sit on my yoga mat every morning?”
What would happen if we did not dedicate time, attention, and effort to our yoga practice? Nothing. Relationships are no different. In the same way that yoga requires knowledge and skills for the mastery of practice, relationships require relational skills in order for them to grow and unfold over time.
Developing Skills
Successful partnerships are those in which both people care as much about the world of the other as they do about their own. This means working with your own individual self-reflection and growth and getting to a point where you can be a whole, separate person while simultaneously being deeply connected to those you love. It means learning and using relational skills that you intentionally build into your daily interactions: taking time to listen to and learn about who your partner is; learning how to make agreements; learning how to set boundaries; learning how to use skillful language when you are speaking; and being able to identify your feelings and speak them without losing your temper or perspective. And it means consciously caring for and cultivating your relationship (i.e., creating rituals, celebrations, and traditions that you and your partner share together).
Relationships ask us to live mindfully and to practice steadfastness, humility, truthfulness, contentment, and nonviolence (i.e., to never hurt anyone in word or deed). If you are familiar with the philosophy of yoga, you will recognize these as very similar to the yamas and niyamas, the ancient ethical prescriptions said to govern human growth and spiritual unfoldment.
The Goal Is Union
When we learn to treat others with relational skillfulness, we are practicing yoga. The ultimate goal of yoga is union—with the divine essence in ourselves and in the world around us. Like a wave in the great ocean of existence, other human beings have the capacity to melt our sense of separateness so that we experience oneness with everything and everyone. This is the true essence of yoga. Learning to see the divine essence in another human being, even when our human reactions, idiosyncrasies, and differences are staring us hard in the face, is the practice of the yoga of relationships. Relationship awareness and practices will gift you with the deepest experience of loving—connecting with another person at the soul level.
We have seen over and over again that when two people want to love and be loved, and when they are willing to grow and change, something mighty emerges. Both individuals grow and become more of who they uniquely are. The partnership provides support, comfort, intimacy, teamwork, and abundance. By developing the yoga of relationships, we can contribute our share to create greater harmony in our families, communities, and nations, and in our global family.
Nourishing Your Relationship
Couples who regularly nourish and feed their relationship as if it were a living being, create more aliveness and energy between them and find themselves more satisfied in their life together over the long term. Here are some specific suggestions for how to nourish your relationships, romantic or otherwise:
Quality time. Create regular, scheduled time for connection, dialogue, fun, intimacy, or even working through conflicts.
Intentional fun and pleasure. Studies show that couples that have five times more pleasure than pain (or comfort versus discomfort) in their everyday interactions feel deeply fulfilled in their relationship.
Appreciation, gratitude, and acknowledgment. Find ways to express these sentiments daily to your partner. Look for the good stuff. It’s always there.
Rituals of attunement, giving, and receiving. Find out what says “I love you” to your partner. Create acts of loving for at least one separation or reunion time during the day.
Shared sexual/sensual/romantic expression. Your relationship needs and wants physical and emotional intimacy. Discover mutually pleasurable ways of nourishing your senses, bodies, and hearts. If this is difficult, find ways to ease into it, beginning with dialogue. Get some help if you need it.
Celebration of life passages. Birthdays, anniversaries, and life-cycle changes are wonderful times to create “out of the box” celebrations. Your relationship deserves to be acknowledged. Make up your own form of celebration or use tried-and-true formats from your cultural and family traditions.
Values clarification, visioning, and goal setting. Set aside time every year to step back and look at your life and relationship. Think about what you want, where you want to go, and what’s important to you. Review where you are and how you got there. Set some future goals based on your shared vision. Write them down and post them for inspiration and guidance.
Joel and Kate Feldman were founding members of Kripalu and lived and served in the Kripalu community for 25 years. Now living in Durango, Colorado, they are therapists and workshop presenters specializing in intimate relationships. They can be reached through their website.
Hurtling Head First Towards Valentine’s Day
Three more weeks and the national day of socially-imposed longing, love and romance will be upon us. Them that’s got shall get. Them that’s not shall lose or at least hope the day goes by quickly.
Looks like some folks are already dealing with some anxious moments.
What are your prospects for love and happiness in 2006?
A Previous Stop
Went to the barber during lunch today. Ran into an ex. The one who first told me about the place. I was cordial, as I am with (almost) all of my exes. I met him years ago before I moved to New York, but he was not the reason why I moved. We met in February, I moved in June, we were history by October. He dumped me, to go back to someone he was previously seeing. Someone fourteen years his junior. Don’t know if they’re still together. Don’t really care. That was ‘98, this is ‘05. He still has a jet set life and was just back from Egypt, Greece and Turkey. He also has several pounds around his mid-section and a noticeably fuller face. When we parted, he said, “I’ll call you.” He won’t. Neither will I.
The journey continues.
It must be spring...
Because other people are writing exactly what I have been feeling for some time now.
Party of One
My Valentine’s Day has come and gone with barely a whimper. The director of my department handed out cookies with “Love” written on them. A few friends sent perfunctory email greetings. Other than that, this was another quiet day, same as in year’s past.
Regardless of your relationship status, this is a day of reflection. People in relationships assess where they have been, where they plan to go and what each person means to the other. Single people, whether happy or unhappy in that state, can meditate on the positive aspects of being by themselves, or dwell on the negatives associated with being loveless on a day set aside for lovers.
I’ve grown more philosophical about the whole issue of being alone. As I’ve written previously in this space, the six and a half years I’ve lived in New York have been spent in relative isolation, with many acquaintances, few real friends, no love interests to speak of. There are no signs of that changing any time soon.
This has allowed me time to examine my situation. Certain hard truths have been faced that shed light on why I am a party of one. While it would be easy to fault other people for not loving me the way I wanted, as the saying goes, “When you point one finger, there are four pointing back at you.” I have to take responsibility for my own condition.
To start, I don’t need another person in my life. I want one. There’s a difference. Perhaps in the traditional heterosexual relationship model, some women marry more for financial security than love, but such models don’t easily translate to same sex relations, where both people are more apt to be self-sufficient.
I don’t need anyone to take care of me. I want someone--as a friend, life companion, shoulder to lean on, confidant, sex partner, vacation buddy, etc.—so my standards are a bit higher. Men who don’t bring the right energy, intellectual stimulation, variety of interests, values and life goals, get passed over not because they aren’t kind and decent, but because they don’t adequately complement my life.
I also recognize that I haven’t always been ready for a meaningful relationship. Passed failed ones will do that to you. With trust issues, self-esteem problems, and feelings of rejection and abandonment, even when I met nice guys, I wasn’t open and prepared to accept them. I needed reassurance of their interest in me, and absent that, had my worst fears reaffirmed. Until I realized that one person’s disinterest didn’t mean I was unlovable, I routinely pushed people away.
Finally, I have known my whole life that I am different from other people. Oh, not just the sexual orientation part, but in so many other ways. Despite living in NYC, I am really a small town guy at heart. I don’t need a fast pace, but rather a steady one. My tastes and interests are eclectic, from football to modern dance, 1940’s film noir to a fascination with trains. I loath hip hop and rap, preferring traditional jazz, and have no interest in drag balls, bars or clubs. I’d much rather go deep sea fishing or sky diving. I don’t fit into the same boxes other Black gay men do, making it very hard to wind up in spaces where I meet people with things in common.
But I’m ok with this because it is who I am. Old dogs can learn new tricks but not easily and not without a damn good reason. Until one comes along, I am content to go it alone.
Capricorn
For the week of February 10, 2005
Happy Valentine Daze, Capricorn! After careful meditation about what advice would be most likely to energize your love life, I've decided to make three suggestions. First, bring more boldness and daring to the part of your life where intimacy is of crucial importance. Second, take to heart the idea that loving another human being is an epic, heroic, monumental enterprise. Third, write down this quote from poet Delmore Schwartz and carry it with you for the next 14 days: "Love is the most difficult and dangerous form of courage. Courage is the most desperate, admirable, and noble kind of love."
Negative Thinking
I didn’t write any deeply personal observations on World AIDS Day. I didn’t feel as though I had any to make, but I wanted to observe the occasion and be informative so I did use this space wisely. I hope readers got something out of it. Reading other blogs however has managed to stir some thinking about matters I’ve long tried to suppress.
I left the following comment on Christopher’s site, “I once heard it said that staying HIV negative is a full-time job. I had to agree. The temptation to react without thinking, to respond to basic urges and physical needs without a thought to the consequences, is ever present. Sometimes I feel there is more support after people test positive than there is to deal with the daily temptations.”
Previously I have alluded to how socially unproductive my life has been lately. The combination of being isolated from an identifiable peer group, lonely, horny, and in my mid-40’s in a world that thinks 30 is old, can be a lethal cocktail.
Were I only interested in sexual encounters, this is the Sin City to live in. No matter who or what you’re looking for, you can find someone to do it with without too much effort. But when it is deeper, meaningful relationships you are after, you can die of thirst in this dessert.
And that I suppose is the greatest challenge to staying HIV negative. We all have needs. Hell, I have needs. But they aren’t really being met in any satisfactory way. When you get just a whiff of attention—always in the form of a sexual flirtation—do you ignore it, or act on the impulse? If you act, do you think of the long-term ramifications or just react? If you react, will you suffer consequences you’ll regret later?
People who test positive for HIV can find any number of resources available in most communities to deal with the initial trauma, health management regimens and re-socialization through support groups and therapy. But those of us supposedly healthy need support too in order to stay that way, and I’m not sure if or where it exists.
Love (Dis)connection
I suppose if I had anything substantive to say on the subject, I would have written something myself. But I am not an expert by any stretch of the imagination. Oh, I’ve always been good at assessing other people’s situations and offering up advice, but I can’t get out of my own way.
A sampling of my fellow bloggers’s recent entries shows some common themes, all related to the elusive search for love and companionship; the need to be understood; what happens when the love you give isn’t returned; measuring up to others, missing out on opportunities, and gettin’ yo’ swole on so somebody will notice.
Karsh, and Clay, our newest member of the blog community, share some similar problems with unavailable men. The LoveHater (whose name just says it all) laments the inability to take a close relationship to the next level. Will also missed out on an opportunity, which frankly, may have been for the best in my opinion.
Because a good man is hard to find whether gay or straight, Elle makes some amusing observations, as only she can, from a straight Black female perspective.
Kenneth has found his man and marks a short-term milestone. Ryan sees the value of loving himself first, while Clay wonders about the me nobody knows. And while Steven wonders if some people date out of their league, Kevin suggests a way to get attention.
Finally, this article has some tips for those who find themselves dateless in the city.
That Inner Voice
Once again, I’ve read one of my fellow bloggers’ sites and seen someone else capture my own thoughts succinctly.
Not that I have my shit together--not by any stretch of the imagination--but I posted a comment there, that was as much for her as it was for me. I share the same affliction.
Years ago in my acting days, whenever someone would ask me “what’s your type” meaning what roles are you best suited for, my pat reply was “I am a short, stocky, slightly balding, middle-aged character actor.” I played Dads, or office workers, or cops. I played lots of cops. Patrolmen, detectives, undercover, cops, because I looked like an average schmo. Nondescript, indistinguishable, Joe Everyman. But never the lead.
Maybe I carried my show business persona over into my personal life, because I’ve never managed to see myself as anyone special. I walk into a room full of people and no heads turn, no one dying to strike up a conversation with me. Just another face in the crowd.
All of which makes the search for companionship one filled with trepidation. My inner voice whispers negative thoughts in my ear. When I see someone taller, with a better physique, better looks, better dressed, a more exciting job, “A” list credentials--an obvious leading man--that voice says, “Don’t waste your time. He’d never be interested. What have you got to offer him?” Film set etiquette dictates background actors don’t talk to principals. The moment passes and the inner voice only gets louder with the years.
Is it a poor self-image? Setting my sights too high to begin with? Fear of a successful relationship? Lack of affirmation for my own qualities? Being too susceptible to society’s standards of beauty and desireability? Some combination of all of them?
Knowing your problem is the first step towards dealing with it.
The L Word
Its funny to me (funny ironic, not funny ha ha) how different people can be going through similar experiences around the same time. Just as I have been spending inordinate amounts of time lately thinking about the deficiencies in my personal life, so apparently have others.
Specifically, I ‘m talking about how after working long hours on the job every day, I come home to an empty apartment and continue to spend more time by myself than seems healthy. I can no longer continue to pretend that it doesn’t bother me.
Recently, my supervisor and I attended a conference for agencies that provide health-related and other social services for Black MSM across the city, state and northeast region. My supervisor is a 30-something, single Black heterosexual female. With close to 60 Black gay men represented, guess which one of us came out of there with a phone number? (Ok, a guy made the hookup for his straight brother, but you get the point.)
There are times when I feel like the kid who needs a pork chop around his neck before the dog will play with him. I don’t know what it is, but I tend not to get approached in most social settings. Despite my background and skills, I am at heart a very shy person and have never had an easy time meeting others. I can professionally schmooz but it feels so phony when I’m doing it for personal reasons. It really helps to have others make the first move.
I think I am also a victim of my own image. An image, I might add, I worked hard to create. From comments I have received over most of my life, I think the perception of me is of one who is all about business, who has no interest in meaningful or romantic relationships, or is difficult to get to know. None of that could be further from the truth.
Those who know me often come to me for advice, or help, or emotional support or some other reason, and I willingly give it. If I volunteer for something it is because I plan to give it my best effort. People know this and often try to enlist my assistance. But all of this has seemed to perpetuate the notion that I am just some kind of functionary, a utilitarian, a worker bee who isn’t interested in doing anything fun. Invites for other kinds of stuff are rare. Having someone around to lean on when I need a hand is even rarer.
June marked six years in New York City, six years of considerable isolation. I have gotten over my reservations about going to movies or plays or museum exhibits by myself (I still can’t eat dinner in a restaurant alone however), but I’m growing frustrated in my inability to locate places where people who share my interests might hang out, spaces beyond bars and clubs.
Real dates (going out with someone I didn’t already know) have been few, but even when they have occurred, second dates have been harder to come by. I’m at a point where I’m just not meeting many new faces. I wish I could say I was optimistic about the future, but I’m not.
Pride has always made it difficult for me to acknowledge these feelings. I guess that’s a perpetuation of my image as stoic. I realize writing this runs the risk of making me seem foolish, whiney, or desperate, but that’s not the intention either.
As I try to connect the various parts of myself that have for so long felt disjointed and compartmentalized, I want very much to be seen as a whole human being, someone capable of giving and open to receiving love and affection, a passionate, sexual person, someone who is both supportive and in need of support, in order to make it through the day.
Spring Hopes Eternal
We’re coming out of the winter doldrums. The days are getting sunnier, warmer and longer and we’re shedding those winter clothes. March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Spring is just around the corner.
Had enough clichés?
This all boils down to one thing. Everybody is lonely and horny and looking for love. If you read the blog family anyway. Seems everyone has the urge to merge, if only they could find someone, or work up the courage to say hello. Sounds a lot like discussions we had last fall.
Now in the interest of living up to my “Uncle Bernie” reputation, I’d be remiss if I didn’t at least attempt to pass along some unclely advice to the lovelorn. Mind you, this comes from the school of “do as I say, not as I do” but I have it on good authority it works. Perhaps just below a certain age range.
First (and I do practice this one), lower your expectations. If you walk into every social setting hoping to meet Mr. Wright, not only are you not likely to meet him, but you’ll miss out on the fun of just getting to know new people. Serious relationships grow out of friendships and common bonds, not at first glance like in the movies or romance novels. Show some interest in other people and they may prove to be worth your interest, because...
It’s not all about you. Self consciousness and second guessing are born out of an unnecessary preoccupation with yourself. You can’t predict who’s gonna like you and who’s not, who’s gonna think you are too short or not attractive enough, dressed all wrong or some other internalized insecurity. Take a shower, put on clean clothes, smile and be yourself, and (I’m repeating myself here) express some interest in getting to know the people around you.
While I’m at it, shyness is not a weakness. If played right, it can be a charming asset. If that’s your personality trait, understand it and use it as an ice breaker. Even extroverts get nervous on first introduction, so acknowledging that allows you to move past it. But...
Don’t jump into bed right away. Especially if you hope to form a relationship with the person. (If all you want is a booty call, then smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.) If you seem too easy, you aren’t valued goods, you are soon to be “used” goods.
Don’t judge a book by it’s cover. Ok, another cliché, I know. But if all you’re looking at are pretty people, you may be overlooking some gems. Sometimes the most ordinary looking are the nicest.
Lead an interesting life. Which gets back to my pet peeve about clubs and bars. Not to imply that interesting people never go there, but you have so little opportunity to demonstrate how interesting you are in those settings. Exercise the muscle between your ears. Attending a discussion group on some topic dear to your heart allows you to pontificate on the many things you know and show everyone how your mind works. Taking a group exercise class or joining a bike riding club, for example, shares a common interest with like minds (and shows off your body too).
Don’t take rejection personally. Just because someone doesn’t find you appealing, doesn’t mean you aren’t appealing to someone. Their rejection is just one person’s opinion. Let it go and move on.
Be aware of your strengths and play to them. And don’t tell me you don’t have any, we all do. If you can’t see them, ask your friends. They might be physical, intellectual, spiritual, whatever. Find ways to demonstrate them in group settings so others can see them clearly too. Which is similar to...
Flaunt it if you got it. Dress to impress, which doesn’t necessarily mean spending a lot on clothes. It’s more about wearing them well. If you look hotter from the rear, wear the tight jeans tonight. Got a nice face? Avoid hats or hair styles that hide it.
Finally, check the attitude! NOBODY likes bitchy queens. NOBODY. If you are the type that loves to sit and read people, or you walk around with a major log on your shoulders, know that it only reflects poorly on you. That person who might have been interested can surely see this.
We’ll all be getting outside more in the days and weeks ahead and opportunities to meet new people will be plentiful, if you keep your eyes, ears and minds open.
Ah, my work is done here.
Searching for Social Alternatives, Part II
I was looking for a peg to hang this next segment on when Karsh handed it to me. I read his entry and it suddenly became clear. We’re talking about taking personal responsibility for our own happiness. If existing social structures aren’t working, we have to seek out or invent new ones to get what we want.
The goal is to put ourselves in situations where the opportunity to meet people and form meaningful relationships can take place. As I alluded to in an earlier entry, which was illustrated so well in Karsh’s experience, many Black gay men see every new man they meet as either a potential lover or a sex partner, completely closing themselves off to the possibility of simply making a new friend.
I contend it is out of friendships that deeper relationships form, and the chief problem with our existing social systems is that they inhibit the formation of these types of associations.
In the typical bar/club setting, people of disparate interests inhabit the same space with the hope they will find others with whom they share things in common. This can result in time spent talking to people with whom we have little in common while ignoring others based on factors like physical appearance. Expectations and anxiety levels can be high, with low success rates.
I suggest we create environments where we know going in we enjoy the same interests. Clubs centered around our hobbies. Informal and more casual by nature, the focus is on enjoyment of the activity, so that even if you don’t meet that special someone, you still have fun doing something you like in a group setting. A place where friendships can be established.
I’m not suggesting we reinvent the wheel either. What follows are activities that other people are already doing. They may not have penetrated the social consciousness of some of us however.
For instance, earlier this year EJ and I were among a group of people who went sky diving for the first time. Next spring we will undoubtedly do it again. So we might create a group of guys who go after their solo jump certification and then jump regularly.
There are many Black gay men who appreciate spectator as well as participatory sports, from bike clubs, to scuba diving, skiing, camping, gun clubs and many more. For those into watching sports, groups could be formed to get together at a sports bar, or tickets purchased to live games. Every sports team offers group rates that could be utilized.
We have no shortage of artists in our ranks, of every discipline. The artist salon has historically been a place of socialization and support in our community. We have writers of poetry and prose, visual artists, singers, rappers, dancers, actors, filmmakers. We can harness that creativity to build spaces where people perform or present for artistic and personal benefit.
For those who are patrons of the arts, almost every live theatre in the country offers group discounts to performances. This is an excellent way to see great shows in the company of friends.
Across the country, book lovers form clubs to share their love of literature with one another, and this could be another alternative setting. Similarly clubs have formed for men who cook, investors, and those who enjoy dining out. If you’re reading this you obviously have access to a computer, and computer user groups can be another way to bring people together.
More people are traveling on vacation and taking cruises than ever before. There are Black-owned services to cater to this audience as well.
Many of us are active in our communities, interested in ways to give back. In almost every city there are organizations that need Black men as volunteers, mentors and adult role models. There is nothing wrong with turning community service into an opportunity for personal fulfillment. The same can be said for participating in political causes.
I present these as suggestions. It is not the end all list. Hopefully it will spur further discussion and real movement towards attaining the kind of social outlets that will allow us to get what we want.
Creating new options will not come easily, and no one should be deluded into thinking change will happen overnight. You have to start slow, build a base--usually a handful of committed members--market the hell out of it, continue to meet regularly, and commit to the long haul.
This is niche marketing, appealing to a select few who have the same interests. You may not see hundreds of people, but you may see a more diverse group where singles and couples and people of differing generations--maybe even women and straight folks(!)--may want to interact.
Those are some of my ideas. What do you think?
Searching for Social Alternatives, Part I
I was ready to end my participation in this discussion of relationships and how we socialize in order to meet people, but the topic keeps coming up in conversations I have wtih friends offline and on. That the subject is resonating with such a diverse group geographically, and across gender and age lines, is an obvious indication of widespread issues here.
Looking for common denominators, the chief complaint I hear from others--and one I’ve voiced myself--is that as a community, we have too narrowly defined the physical spaces and ways in which we socialize. Time and again, I hear people say they are tired of going to the same place and seeing either the same type of people or the exact same people each time they go. It is as if we are in a collective rut, repeating the same patterns over and over, giving no thought as to whether they serve the needs of large numbers of us.
Typically, our social patterns fall into two categories. Regardless of where you live, there are usually the first type, bars and clubs, catering to varying subsets of the Black gay community. Some are actually Black owned, most are not, but there is little variation in the way they function from city to city.
The second place where people have an opportunity to meet, although their purpose may not be ostensibly social in nature, are through community based organizations, gay and lesbian community centers and social programs that typically offer some form of support group. Just about every Black gay organization anywhere in the country has some kind of regularly scheduled “group” where people sit and share their feelings.
Both styles of interacting are necessary and valuable parts of the community, and I don’t take issue with their existence. They serve their purpose. But they also have their limitations, especially if you don’t fit into that purpose.
The bar scene--a relic of a pre-Stonewall era when gays had no where else to go--caters to anyone who wants to get their drink on. Fine if you drink, a lousy place to hang out if you don’t. Centering activity around the consumption of liquor increases the likelihood of surrounding yourself with drunks, and how fun is that?
Clubs meanwhile inherently impose a class system. One is either a “member” of the club or not, and just like any good fraternity or country club, the decision as to who can comfortably associate there or not is often arbitrary and capricious. The choice of music played often dictates who wants to hang there. The existing clientele is another factor. Usually at some point, people age out of the scene because they appeal only to those of a certain generation. And do we need to talk about how much physical appearance and perceived fashion sense affects who will get any play and who won’t? I think the word shade must have originated in a Black gay club.
Just the other day, I got an email inviting me to the opening of a new uptown hangout. The message used words like “Red Carpet Grand Opening,” “By Invite Only” and “Dress To Impress.” This is not the first such attempt to bring a Black gay supposedly upscale nightlife to Harlem, or to other parts of the city. But it again creates an air of exclusivity, that will appeal to some while turning others off.
The social support group model on the other hand grows out of a genuine attempt to address some of the psycho-social impacts of being Black and gay, by allowing people a space to vent and share thoughts and feelings on subjects like HIV/AIDS, homophobia, sexual desire and other topics serious or lighthearted. In a city like New York, every night of the week somebody is meeting somewhere.
Talk is good and these spaces allow people to open up in ways they may never do in any other venue. As a result, friendships and/or deeper relationships have as much a chance to form there as anywhere else. But where there are deeper psychological issues, talking alone doesn’t mean someone is actually moving towards a place of healing. I have personally gone to some forums where the same people are talking about their same issues a year after the first time I met them. And yet, the support group can be just the place of comfort and familiarity they need.
So while the number of bars, clubs and support groups may be numerous and diverse in any given community, in and of themselves they offer few options for anyone looking for more than that. As I have been asking for years, where do you go to meet people if you aren’t into bars, clubs and support groups?
I will share some of my own ideas on that later this week in Part II.
Short Thoughts on Relationships
A friend of mine once said long time ago that gay men don’t have friends that they haven’t slept with. While this is not true in my own case, I do know brothas who do a quick sort--lover or sex partner. They meet people for the sole purpose of finding one or the other. And if you aren’t their lover or their sex partner, they have no use for you.
Are we too narrowly defining the scope of our relationships? Do we know how to make “friends” of the purely platonic variety? Do we know how to relate to one another just for the purpose of companionship and intellectual or spiritual support?
And not unrelated, why do some of us thrive on throwing shade in even the most casual settings?
A Blogalogue on Relationships
Thebrotherlove started a conversation a few days back on his blog, on the subject of relationships--how they start, grow or dissolve, and sometimes end--and how we cope at every stage. There was a lot of response and an encouragement that we all dialogue a little more as a way of helping and healing each other.
Thoughts are racing through my head right now at about 1000 miles per hour, smashing into one another as they intersect, so much so I fear this will come out as an incoherent ramble. It is however the culmination of several different streams of thoughts that have been percolating inside for some time now, all coming to a boil at once.
I don’t fit in to most places. I never have. I have always been the odd ball in many different respects. One of just a handful of Black honors students in a sea of White kids. The kid who read or played inside while everyone else was outside. The kid who was interested in sports and could analyze the game better than the kids who could play them far better than me. More at home with my parent’s friends and their adult conversations than people my own age.
Even now, I’m the small town boy with small town sensibilities lost in the biggest of big cities where politeness and manners seem foreign to most people. Uninterested and unfazed by most pop culture or fashion trends, I am adrift in a world where looks, style, “fabulousness” seem to be everything to some people. I am far too unpretentious, simple and basic for all of that. To me, that’s keeping it real.
Whatever troubles young Black gay men think they have in finding relationships is nothing compared to life past that magic threshold of 30. I’m 13 years past it and counting, and it doesn’t get any easier. I am constantly asking, where are my peers? Where are men around my age, interested in the kinds of things I like?
Compounding this is the daily physical and psychological toll of just living in this city. I end every business day mentally drained, a zombie on the subway ride home, with little energy left for much more than tv and emails. I’ve become reclusive from the shear weight of the world. I gave at the office.
Life is out of balance. The daily grind of work to home to sleep to wake to go to work again has nothing to counter it. Isolation is the only thing awaiting me when I get home and he doesn’t have dinner ready when I get there.
I’m currently reading Think Again, the new book of essays by Black gay men relating to HIV/AIDS prevention and alternative approaches. I am seeing myself in each story. All of the circumstances that cause men to do strange, sometimes risky things in a desperate attempt to satisfy the basic need to connect to one another, on any level, are an inescapable part of my life. Yet that drive for self preservation and avoidance of infection by a life altering and life threatening disease, makes guilt and fear my constant companion. Working in the field, I have daily reminders and I don’t want to be a client of my own or any other agency. But in the process, I have denied myself simple pleasures for the sake of longevity.
I am now a shadow of who I used to be, so full of drive and ambition and infinite possibilities, both personally and professionally. I go through the motions as if on autopilot. Bad relationships, rejection, and infidelity can sap you of the ability to trust, so I don’t unless I get clear and unambiguous signals of your true intentions. A poor self-image and lack of affirmation about my looks exacerbates a sense of futility when it comes to attracting someone, so I’m less inclined to make the first move. Been there, done that, hasn’t born fruit.
The actor in me keeps up the public appearance, but the mask is slipping. It has been on too long. And I’m just plain tired.
SERIOUS QUESTIONS
One of the new pleasures I am getting from this whole blog experience is reading other people's sites. I like to start my day first checking to see if anyone has posted a comment to my site (ahem), and second, going down the list of folks in my blogerium to see what new discussion is taking place elsewhere. Always interesting reading, and often exposure to even more bloggers through their comment sections.
So, I was reading about j's encounter with a secret booty admirer and it got me thinking about the larger issues it presented. (Go read the piece first then come back and finish reading here. But don't answer the questions based on his experience, base it on your own.)
I came up with some questions:
1. What makes some statements, seemingly intended as comments, come across as insulting or offensive to you?
2. Is a compliment made about your physical features less appealing to you than one made about say, your personality or your intellect? Why or why not?
3. If someone comments about your physical features, do you automatically assume they want to get to know you better, or can you accept it and leave it at that?
4. If someone comments about your personality or intellect, do you automatically assume they want to get to know you better, or can you accept it and leave it at that?
5. Accepting the premise that meeting people can be difficult under any circumstance, is it ever permissible and/or necessary in your opinion to try unorthodox approaches to reach out to people you find attractive?
6. Have you ever seen someone you found attractive and wanted to approach, but couldn't find any words to say to them, so the opportunity was lost?
Inquiring minds want to know.
Sex and Violence
It’s officially fall, the days are getting shorter and soon the weather will start getting cooler. A long period of dreary cold and darkness lies ahead, from which we’ll have little escape until next spring sometime.
Ironically, I hear friends talking about how it’s time to find a man, as if they were a seasonal purchase like snow tires or a fur coat. The purpose is the same however, to keep you warm and get you through the rough winter. If only it were that easy.
New York is a big city, with an increasing number of us living alone or identifying as single. That the population of singles seems to be growing is indicative of the fact that despite our best efforts, many of us are not coupling up, at least not for the long-term anyway. Nobody’s keeping statistics on the dating practices of same-gender-loving men and women of color, but I’m sure we’ve all got our own anecdotal evidence to share. In short, things are rough all over.
To be surrounded by people all day—at work, on the street, on the train—and yet have no one single person to call your own, can create feelings of isolation the depths of which our straight friends and family members may not fully grasp. Oh sure, there are clubs and bars to go to, but they often seem the first place people complain about when they talk of what’s lacking in our social circles. Familiarity breeds contempt, and prolonged isolation can breed despair and frustration and a nagging sense of hopelessness. Who among us hasn’t said or heard someone say recently, “There aren’t any good men/women out there.”
And yet the need to connect, on whatever level, remains. We are social creatures, meant to experience life in one another’s company. “I was not meant to live alone,” is more than a line from a Luther song, it’s a universal truth. But longer work schedules, relocation, and the absence of viable social support networks only add to our sense of detachment from one another. Yet the need to connect remains.
The Internet has leapt into the void by providing avenues for those seeking to fill social niches, but they too seem limited and have their pitfalls. The explosion in escort services and DL sex parties has been assisted greatly by their ability to advertise on the net. Websites matching clients for dating or booty calls are prolific. But has there been any noticeable increase in the quality of our relationships as a result? Or are we now cruising our parks and bath houses in cyberspace?
I’m not one who believes an Internet chat room is an inherently better or worse place to meet a potential partner, it is simply a different way. Common sense would tell anyone to take precautions regardless of where they meet people, and not rush into anything without knowing whom they are with. Safe sex is not just about STDs. The Anti-Violence Project here in New York reports that 10 percent of all bias crimes are pick-up crimes. They see some 50-75 calls a year from people who met an attacker online.
Fall and winter do lie ahead, and it would be lovely to snuggle up next to someone warm and cozy every night. But the same challenges that face us during spring and summer still exist. Where can we meet someone with whom we can build a meaningful, long-lasting relationship, so that this near desperate search doesn’t become an annual event.