Where Do We Go From Here?
I thought I knew what I was getting into when I started my Black Gay Men at Midlife project. Then it became apparent I had no idea at all. The whole thing took on a life of its own and I was just along for the ride.
Let me thank all the many people who posted comments during the entire 12 part series, sent me private emails, mentioned it on their own websites and blogs or just stopped by and read. My hits went way up during the run so I know there were a lot of you.
Last but certainly not least, my immeasurable thanks go to Conrad, Patrice, Bernard, John, George, Mark, David, Robert, Cordell, James, Jaleel and Reggie for taking the time to complete my very lengthy questionnaire and for providing such honest, open, heartfelt and thought-provoking responses. Your words made this series. I was happy to provide the forum.
The idea for this whole thing began percolating in my brain about ten years ago. I was 37, approaching 40 yet already feeling a growing disconnection from gay communities to which I had previously belonged. I wanted new and different experiences and people to share them with. Ten years later, I’m still looking for the latter.
Spurring on the idea was first the fact that as a blogger, I am constantly looking for things to write about. My fourth blogaversary is September 1 and there is only so much you can write about before you run out of things to say. I wanted to try something entirely different.
The second reason is, several weeks ago, I was approached by a magazine (which shall remain nameless) to write a piece on being Black, gay and in my 40’s. That was the extent of their concept and when I emailed back a more in-depth approach, they poo-poo’ed the whole idea. I said to myself, “I have a blog. Let me write my own damn story.”
My objective in running this series was to begin a dialogue, specifically among Black gay middle aged men, to allow us space to share our thoughts, opinions, hopes and fears about aging. What happens next, I’m not entirely sure. Ideally men will begin to have more face-to-face conversations with one another informally or through the various community-based organizations that exist around the country. Perhaps academicians will seriously begin to study the intersections of race and sexual orientation in the aging process.
The desire to step up and be heard is there. It’s up to all of us to take advantage of the opportunity.
UPDATE: Check out an iChat interview I did on No There There with George Kelly.
The Black Gay Men at Midlife series:
Part 1 – A Conversation With My Brothers LINK
Part 2 – The Search for Community LINK
Part 3 – Friendship, Love and Intimacy LINK
Part 4 – The End of Our Youth LINK
Part 5 – The Second Act LINK
Part 6 – Love and the Older Man LINK
Part 7 – Redefining Community LINK
Part 8 – Looking Back, Moving Forward LINK
Part 9 – We’ll All Be Old One Day LINK
Part 10 – The Need for a Plan LINK
Part 11 – Golden Men LINK
Part 12 – A Conversation With My Younger Brothers LINK
A Conversation With My Younger Brothers
Black Gay Men at Midlife – Part 12, the conclusion
With this 12th segment, we conclude our series exploring the lives of Black gay men in middle age.
If there has been one obvious point made among the many expressed by our group, it is that no one wants to be put into a little box, forced to live according to some narrow set of parameters that dictate how we behave. As these men have passed through or imagined themselves in their youth, at middle age and as seniors, they envisioned full and productive lives. Whether that was or will be realized or not, they felt, depended entirely on the choices they made. At all points along their journey, they either were or saw themselves being involved in the larger community, gay and straight, contributing their talents and knowledge.
To end, they wrap up discussion of their expectations for old age, then pass along advice for the generations behind them. Perhaps in 20 years, another group of middle aged men will have entirely different experiences as a result.
What do you see as some of the best and worst aspects of being a gay senior citizen?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
Being alone and with no one to relate to and/or falling into the care of some homophobic Christian who would mistreat you either in your family or in a home if you’re faced with going to one.
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
Loneliness, Elder abuse/crime, housing issues, discrimination, invisibility. Best- knowledge, money, choices.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
About the same as being a senior citizen who is not gay, and neither good nor bad (at this point at least): having comfortable savings and lifestyle and concerns with health issues.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I think it is still very tough for older LGBT people, who can be isolated, who face hostility from medical and social providers, and from other related industries. I think it's also harder for LGBT people of color, especially Black LGBT people. But I hope this changes, and if I can do anything to ensure that, I will.
George, 51, New York
The worst aspects of being an older gay person would be to be alone and forgotten. To be in poor health and have no one who is close to you to help and visit. To be cast aside by family and friends if you don’t have children to care for you. That would be terrible. The best aspects would be having a larger sense of self. The freedoms to say and do whatever you like and not care about the consequences. To be sought after for your opinions and beliefs, to be revered and admired because you lived through the holocaust of AIDS and still able to have compassion and love in your life, that would be wonderful. To honor and support those coming up and know that your work and contributions have helped them in some way, would help the aging process. It would be amazing to be respected for who you and what you have done. I believe we are “our own best thing” and we need to lift each other up, since we stand on the shoulders of those who have gone before us.
Mark, 46, Harlem
I’ll answer that question when I become a senior citizen.
David, 46, Harlem
I’m thinking about affordable housing, medical coverage and family when I think of becoming a gay senior. I’m a firm believer in living the golden rule; therefore, most of the elders in my family lived beyond the age of 80s, so I will be the gay uncle that the grand-children, grand-nieces and their friends would flock around, for I will, like the young folks say today, WILL KEEP IT REAL!
Robert, 40, San Francisco
I think at least I had a chance to live my life as I saw it in my younger years.
Cordell, 41, Albany
Becoming infirmed and having no one to depend upon to care for you is one negative aspect. Having friends to die around you and thus having fewer of them is another. A more positive aspect is being able to rebound easier to break-ups and being more flexible and somewhat more tolerant of people and myself than what I was when I was younger. Also, being able to say “I know how you feel” and really meaning it because you actually did experience it-and survived it, so that you can share your survival skills regarding that particular situation. Another aspect is being okay with who you are and not really caring about how others feel about what you do or who you are as an older gay man.
James, 43, Oakland
Hopefully, working in the field that I choose and having the freedom to get up in the morning when I want. Being able to travel and stay as long as I like. I guess I better be rich or I will be in trouble. Whether single or alone, I just want to have a good life. I want to grow old gracefully and still have fun. Hopefully, my challenges will be manageable.
I want to continue to live in the present. I think one of the worst things you can do as you get older is to become bitter and regretful about the things you have not done with your life. As long as I keep getting up, I have a new day to live out my dreams.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
Everything I’ve written and answered above.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Best: Providing that 'resource' to the community.
Worse: Increased isolation.
What advice would you give a Black gay man now in his 20's about how to prepare for midlife? (Perhaps it's advice you wish someone had given you.)
Conrad, 43, Memphis
Build a life for yourself of intimacy with good friends and relations, people you'd want to grow old with and hold on to them. Don't get caught up in being gay and having sex; they're dead ends in and of themselves. Live your life with expectations. Too often I've heard in my own life, "don't have any expectations." But I think that's a lie. The world we live in at present came into being because too many people have lived lives with no expectations. They were willing to just go along to get along. And we're all suffering for that surrender and for continuing such a cowardly tradition amongst humankind. Live with expectations. Yes, sometimes you will get wounded, hurt or disappointed. But these are only some aspects of life, not the whole of life. Have faith in something larger than yourself. Expect hope; you just might get it or create it. Expect to love and be loved. And if you can't find any of these, raise your voice in and off the streets until it comes to you, following your raised call like a bloodhound hot on a trail. And if you fail? At least you failed trying and that's no surrender. It creates a better possibility of chances for the next generation. Your life is never just about you and you alone!
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I would say be educated, save money and think about home ownership and relationship/ family. The clubs...being fabulous does not last forever.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
1. Save money: always pay yourself first. And don't touch it.
2. Get a good health insurance plan to cover medical expenses.
3. There is no need to rush everything all at once. You have time to accomplish your goals; there is no need to try to do every single thing at once.
4. Love comes on its own timetable, not yours. Don't think every man that looks good to you is good for you. Likewise, don't assume that just because you haven't found "the one" yet means you never will. Relax.
5. Be comfortable with yourself, but never complacent. Strive to better yourself intellectually, mentally, spiritually, and physically. And realize anyone who tells you "you are perfect just the way you are" is lying. All that means is that if you are a young fool now, you'll be an old fool later.
6. Travel as much as possible.
7. You care more about what other people think of you than they actually spend any time thinking about you. Does that make sense?
8. As you get older, don't try to hang on acting like you were when you were 18, 20 or 25. It's healthy to maintain a young and youthful outlook, but chances are that you did some stupid things at 21. Don't think that will be cute or excusable at 41.
9. Don't become "old" and "set in your ways" just because you get older. Just because you turn 35 doesn't mean you suddenly have to "discover" jazz. Just because you turn 40 doesn't mean you have to start watching art house films. Discovery should happen as a byproduct of your own curiosity, not according to your age.
10. As you get older, embrace it instead of cursing it. Too many people didn't make it this far for you to be bitching and moaning about a few gray hairs and the phantom "good old days." Either live or die, but as long as you are here you might as well live your best life to the fullest degree possible.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
Begin thinking about your 40s, 50s and beyond. Where do you want to be then? Enjoy your 20s, but also think about your future. Consider what steps will prepare you for possible challenges and life changes down the road. What will you have after your physical youth and beauty disappears? What do you want to have, and who might you want to be?
George, 51, New York
I would tell younger BGM that they should try not to ever do anything that they may regret. That would mean how you dressed, who you dated, had sex with, or spoke harshly to, because much of those things will come back on you and people will remind you of those instances over and over again. If these things do happen, and they will happen, forgive yourself, try to remember the circumstances that made you do that thing (we were caught up, I was horny, it was in fashion, I was hurt...whatever) that you wish you hadn't. And remember, most of those things will be excused as youthful exuberance and move and try to learn from it and become a better person because of it.
Mark, 46, Harlem
1) be honest with yourself about how you feel emotionally.
2) join a community-based organization which affirms your sexuality.
3) let people with diverse life experiences help you with your problems.
David, 46, Harlem
Wow! That's a big order, for I'm coming from a totally different era then that of the pre-Stonewall or the 70s free love era . . . I came out and was sexuality active at the peak of the AIDS epidemic 1979 to now.
But if I had to share advice the first thing I would do would tell someone to find someone you trust and share your feelings. The first person I would tell them to look at is there mother. The women in my life have always been my safety net. The men came around much later in my life, when actually I had no use for their support. I needed them in my developmental years.
After that, I would tell them to finish school, and even think about advanced education, for once you have that you can combat homophobia and racism with a better foundation.
Secondly, I would tell them to set priorities:
1. Protect yourself physically, mentality, spiritually.
2. Start saving more, and spending less.
3. Learn quickly the difference between sex and love.
4. Cherish your friendships, and learn quickly too that people come into your life for a season. And, although I have some long term friends, it's the short friendships that also taught a few life lessons.
5. Last, but far from least, I would tell them to read . . . read everything by James Baldwin, for he has set a blueprint for Black, gay men to use as a tool for their own journey. I didn't read Mr. Baldwin until I was twenty-one, for if I had read him before
the age of 21, I would have saved myself a lot of emotional scares.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
(no response)
Cordell, 41, Albany
Advice that I would give younger gay men is to make sure that they are happy with what they decide to pursue in life-regardless of what it is. And would counsel them to get an education, keep a job, open a bank account, keep their credit reports clean, don't rush to become older, enjoy life as it comes, have lots of "safer" sex (for there will be periods of time when the opportunity and the desire will wane). Seek happiness, treasure their parents while they are still alive, Seek and develop meaningful relationships with people who are different from them, save some and spend some [money]. Take care of their health, go to a doctor if you are ill, get yearly checkups, floss, always wear clean underwear (you never know who will see them), and don’t give up their goals, no matter what anyone tells you.
James, 43, Oakland
The best advice I got when I was in my 20’s was don’t be afraid to travel a different path in life for the blessings will come. I will add to that everyone will not be your friend. Just as everyone will not like you, you do not have to like everyone. Be careful with whom you share your time and talent. Life is precious and the years move so fast. Don’t be afraid to love with all your heart. Our biggest challenge at any age is allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. Finally, DREAM BIG!!!
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I would tell the young man that it is important to set his goals and prioritize. Growing older was not even a reality for me when I was in my 20’s. I was fortunate enough to have a mother that stressed education and I knew that I needed to “do” right in order to “get” right. I wonder what life would have been like with a black gay man sharing similar advice, from a gay perspective? And even if I didn’t listen at the time, I’m sure his words would have stuck with me. I want my words to stick with young people today. I want them to understand their worth as children of the Most High. I would advise them to paint a picture of what they want their life to be and then put that picture where they could easily get to it (in their head, on a canvas, in a notebook…wherever). And then in tough times, I would advise them to pull out that picture and realize that what they’re going though is all a part of a journey to get them to that destination.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Don't believe the bullshit that your life is over at 30 (or 40, or 50, or....). You're life isn't 'over' till you're dead (and even then some people and their reputations have an interesting afterlife). At least think about planning for something more than just tomorrow or the next party -- as well as, perhaps, your Golden Years (lord how I wished I'd saved those 6 months of military pay while we were underway in S America!).
I'd also say "Don't get old" You will get older, your age will increase, but don't grow into a stick in the mud/old fogey.
Golden Men
Black Gay Men at Midlife – Part 11 of a series
Isolation is the enemy of old age. It isn’t that anyone wants to be cut off from other people, it’s just that sometimes circumstances intervene. Loss of existing friends due to illness or death, decreased physical mobility, fewer welcoming spaces or simply not having anyone around who shares your interests, can all contribute to a sense of feeling alone in our golden years.
Gay senior citizens are no different than anyone else in their desire to continue to “create family” around them for socializing and companionship. But it doesn’t necessarily get any easier. In Part 11, the group speculates on how that all might play out.
If you do not have a partner, do you think it will be possible to find someone as a senior citizen? Are you concerned about growing old alone?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
I don’t know. I wonder if I’d be too disenchanted with life to let anyone get close at such a late hour of life. Yes, I am concerned about growing old and alone and if anyone will be there to take care of me. I think about the man found recently in his home back off the road who’d been dead a year. He was found dead in his chair; had rotted. The mail was flowing out of his mailbox and so too his newspapers. No one stopped to ask or inquire, not even the neighbors. It makes me wonder how I will live and leave here at the last. And you fear being old and by yourself, full of regret over what you wanted and never had. I think it’s sad when love has become a rarity in our world. Or maybe it has always been this way.
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
Growing old alone is a concern especially when it comes to medical decisions and nursing homes/assisted living as an out gay man. I am not aware of very many facilities that will cater to the elderly LGBT community.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
Not thinking about it, or, in fact, very concerned about it. Not really.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
N/A
George, 51, New York
I believe that I am interesting and attractive and I (currently) have an active dating/sex life. However I do think I would like a partner to share more aspects of my life with. I don’t suffer fools so I am more discriminating in my choices but in some ways I’m more open to trying new things. I don’t want to grow older alone but if it happens I think/hope I’ll be OK, and will learn more about myself.
Mark, 46, Harlem
I think it’s possible, though not probable, to experience partnership as a senior citizen. My concerns about growing older alone have strengthened my faith in a loving God.
David, 46, Harlem
Yes, I have a partner. I also think it is hard nowadays to find someone, for most of my colleagues are JADED, BITTER and STILL RECOVERING FROM SO MUCH LOSS. I can empathize with the majority of them, too.
No, I’m not concerned, for I am good people; therefore, I’m sure I will attract good people to me.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
I am (at the moment) not worried about getting older and being single.
Cordell, 41, Albany
I am not partnered, but I am not yet really worried about not being so. I do think that as I become older and the wrinkles set in and I become more stuck in my ways that if I live alone for a long period of time, that it will be harder to share space with someone else. I am though concerned about friends who are in their 50s and 60s that live alone. I talk with them about it all the time and they tell me that it’s not too bad living alone, but I think they say that because they are resigned to living that way and have become used to it. They dress it up with loving themselves more and not having to answer to anyone else about their comings and goings, but sometimes, when they are stuck in situations where they have no one to depend upon but friends, I can hear and sometimes sense the loneliness and fear.
James, 43, Oakland
That is a good question. In my forties, it is quite a challenge finding someone. More than worrying about being alone, I worry about not being open to a relationship as I get older. I worry that I will keep my defenses up so high that I will not be accessible. The lies and games seem to get worse with every year. I no longer dream of the big fairy tale romances. I just want someone special to share my heart with and hopefully, I will not be too jaded. ?
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
It’s funny because I ‘live for’ the Golden Girls. This groundbreaking show has demonstrated that life is not over as a senior. I will be able to date and have sex and love. I intend to be like fine wine. I will not look my age, and I will taste divine!
There are times I think about what life will be like if I’m alone…but I don’t intend to be alone. I know some people will read this and think that I’m living in a fantasy world. I subscribe to the saying that: “…what’s true for you, is true for you…” I know, for example, that whatever I hold in my mind, in my consciousness will come to fruition. If this is not true for some nay-Sayers, then it won’t come to fruition…and in 20 years they’ll be saying the same things, “..there are no good guys in Atlanta” or “…no one wants me because I’m too old…”I don’t ever intend to sing that song.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
N/A
What do you think your social life will be like as you age? Do you envision having any regular interaction with gay people who are younger than you? Will that be important or unimportant to you?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
I expect my social life will diminish as it is now. I don’t know if I’d have much interaction with gay people who are younger. I don’t know if I’d want to have any interaction. I don’t know if it’d be important. Would they want anything to do with me an older black gay man? Will they fear the truth that I will represent before their very eyes? It’s not like the older black gay men around me are a shining example of aging with grace. They’re aging like fools to me. And that’s my judgment.
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I will be important in the passing on of information that will make their lives better. I'm generally not interested in younger men for dating and as I get older I feel it would not be an equal playing field therefore I want to avoid that problem by being financially stable with a partner and other life options that will ensure my happiness.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
Unconcerned. Yes. Moderately important. Still hope to mentor young gay people, male and female, as I get older.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I hope that I continue to have interactions with gay people of all ages--younger, older, and in my peer group. This is very important to me.
George, 51, New York
I hope to keep an active social life, still visiting people, having dates (not necessarily romantic but interesting), going out and doing things with people I enjoy. I have some younger gay people who keep in touch so I believe that I will have interaction with the younger gay community. I do think it will be important, because I want to see the changes that are going on in the gay community, not just from an observer perspective but also from those who are on the front lines.
Mark, 46, Harlem
My social calendar is proportionate to the people I interact with regularly. I like meeting new people (until they piss me off) and hope we can learn from each other as I age. I’m not sure if and/or how much I’ll socialize with younger men. I seek caring, genuine souls with like-minded interests.
David, 46, Harlem
Actually, I have tried my hand in radio, and was very disappointed that I was still facing racism among my white, gay colleagues even in the 21st Century. Which is one reason that I have carried the torch for this gay marriage issue, for I think the majority of those who will benefit from it is the white, gay community. So I am very pro-active in creating spaces/community for Black, Gay, Transgender, Bi and Lesbian youth and adults to interact, among their straight supporters. I am thinking on creating a MNN cable program that would incorporate a cultural and social venue for this group of people.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
I think I will keep the few friends I have and spend time with them as they age. I don't envision having interaction with younger gay people.
Cordell, 41, Albany
I am more willing to make myself available to younger people than what I was a decade ago. I sometimes don’t have the tolerance that’s needed to listen to some of the issues that they are experiencing, but I am developing the willingness to learn. I think that my social life might be similar to the guys who I see sitting on barstools with other men their age oggling young guys and flaunting their financial security like oasis to men in a desert because they tend to get overlooked quicker or don’t have anything else to rely upon to attract other men. Finally, it is important that I am able to continue to establish relationships with younger men and pass on some of what I received when I was younger.
James, 43, Oakland
I think I will have a good social life as I age. I am very careful about the people I choose as friends. When you are younger, you worry about knowing the right people and going to the right parties. If you are smart, you set your own rules and live your life on your own terms. You learn that being different is your way of life and it is okay to not follow the crowd. I will definitely interact with younger and older gay people. I strongly believe that there is something to be learned from everyone.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I’m not sure if I’ll interact with younger people as I continue to age. I like the idea of growing older with my peers and having life experiences in common with each other. I don’t necessarily want to be out at the clubs or at the malls, for example, with young people now so I don’t imagine I’ll want to do that when I’m in my 50’s and 60’s. Much like the Golden Girls I will have an active life right up until I die. When I was living in DC, there were weekly discussion groups for gay men over 40. This was necessary because they forged friendships out of those meetings. I remember seeing (at the time I wasn’t allowed into those groups) several men in their late 50’s and 60’s (one man in particular told us he was close to 80). These were vibrant men who had something to say. I intend to be one of those vibrant, active, still good-looking men. There are groups now, here in Atlanta, that I’m looking at becoming part of particularly because of the age factor. This all excites me. And what doesn’t exist at that time, I will create.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Probably social life 'outside' will become increasingly smaller -- fewer bars and clubs, more time with friends.
I do hope to be able to be around younger gay people in some capacity. Dreaming of being a mentor/resource.
Tomorrow, Part 12: The series concludes.
The Need for a Plan
Black Gay Men at Midlife – Part 10 of a series
Because of the unique nature of our lives, it is imperative that lesbians and gays create a plan for old age. Unlike most heterosexuals, there are typically no children to take care of us should we grow too old to live alone. Being single may have worked fine in your 20s and 30s, but at 60 or 70, that could leave you isolated and at the mercy of professional caregivers who may or may not be accepting of our sexual orientation.
Financial and estate planning, health care proxies and legal protections for the transfer of property—many of the things straight people are afforded just by having the right to marry—are all necessary particularly if a gay couple has shared their life together.
While it is never too early to plan, midlifers especially think about such things. Old age is in sight. What is less obvious however are visible symbols of senior gay life to guide us.
In Part 10, the guys share more thoughts on the years ahead.
Do you have any role models for how to live a quality life as a gay senior citizen? Does anyone consider you a role model now? If so, how?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
No I don’t have any models. I think there are those who consider me a model. But how painful it is to be a model and have none. It’s a huge responsibility and a disorienting burden.
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I’m considered a role model because despite being gay I do not limit my ambitions and I daresay that younger gay men see the possibilities of achievement.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
Honestly, no. I assume yes; that would be my “gay sons,” who often turn to me for advice or, as I admonish them to do, pay attention to my mistakes and not repeat them.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I have a few models; one friend is now in his mid 50s, and has been in a committed relationship for many years. I think the world of him, and consider him a partial role model; I have other people I admire, including a writer who has been a real supporter, who is in his 60s, is out and gay, and sets an incredible example. I think there are younger gay men who do consider me a role model, and as I noted above, I try to be supportive of what they're doing with their lives. That support, I know, is invaluable.
George, 51, New York
Many of my role models are my contemporaries who are still active in their lives. I respect the fact that many guys still want to date, and be sexy, and flirt and be very much apart of the living and not thinking about dying. There are a few older gay men I know that are still active but more of them are becoming more settled in their lives and routines and starting to feel/act old. In terms of a role model, I have heard that from some people but I try not to let it go to my head. I prefer to be a mentor to younger folks and share my perspectives and realities and hopefully they will gain from my mistakes, challenges and lessons.
Mark, 46, Harlem
Senior homosexual role models are non-existent in my life, which is sad to say, though there are a few men whom I admire, care for and respect immensely. I currently serve as a mentor to a young, heterosexual, Black male. We connected in the summer of 2002 and he sees me as his big brother.
David, 46, Harlem
Yes, I have a Dean of a medical school and her partner. I also know of a male couple, who have been together for twenty years, and have adopted four children. I also know of another male couple with their grandchildren, and my best friend, a single parent with his two teenage children.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
I can't think of any off the top of my head. Maybe. I know this young man who works near my place of residence and I would often see him and try to encourage him to continue his education. He was glad to tell me that he went back to school. I hope I help in some small way.
Cordell, 41, Albany
I guess I do. I still have older men as friends who are of a generation that believe in living well and the finer things in life. However, they also talk about issues of mortality more and illnesses and either not wanting to live alone or being resigned to living alone and not being partnered. I think that I do have a couple of younger people in my life that kind of consider me a role model or with whom I placed myself in that position of being. I try to tell them that things are much better than what they used to be and I really do see that with time and experience, there is wisdom to impart about some of the things that I have learned as an older gay man and the mistakes that I have made and how to avoid them.
James, 43, Oakland
Veteran jazz singer/pianist Andy Bey is my role model. At 67, he has no intention of slowing down. He taught me that everything in your life should have purpose and meaning.
I have a friend who is 25 years old who looks up to be as a role model in some ways. I think he likes my spirit, energy and determination yet I look up to him for his energy and creativity. We inspire each other.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I run a black, gay male support group every week. I certainly hope that I am a role model to these young people. Every once in a while I’ll have the opportunity to converse with a gay senior and he’ll regale me with stories of what it was like growing up in the 50’s and 60’s. I’m riveted when I hear these stories. Although I have no specific senior role model, these intermittent interactions prove to be an asset to how I’m painting my future. I have become my own role model. I am living proof that working out regularly, regular check-ups, plenty of water, a healthy (not perfect) diet can be beneficial…both internally and externally.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Yeah there are some people close to my age and younger who do 'look up to me' for the work I do, and also I suppose for the way I conduct my life, and how I urge them to be more fearless. Makes me uncomfortable, since I know my own faults and limitations (I tell them to 'aim higher'). My first partner is still around and there are some things about him that are role model like (but on the other hand he's always been hyper-critical, not something I aspire to). I think of Baldwin, Hughes, and folks like Sir Ian McKellen as being role models of Older Gay-dom.
Are there things you are doing now to prepare yourself for old age? If you have a partner, how are the two of you preparing for old age?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
Just trying to make sure I have some kind of retirement plan and a little money in the bank and some good health insurance—all of which are precarious notions for all of us at this time as far as I’m concerned.
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I'm saving money in mutual funds and paying off bills now, no partner at this time.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
Savings, mainly.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
One of the things my partner and I have been discussing is how we will live out our elder years if we make it that far. We have begun investing money, we signed up as domestic partners (and are considering a civil union), and are also just thinking about things like where we will live if and when we retire and so forth.
George, 51, New York
I am trying to prepare to be in a space that is conducive for older people…not too many stairs or an option of an elevator. Prepare for retirement and taking care of myself. Maintaining old friends and being open to meeting new ones. Not being afraid to try new things and being open to the possibilities. Savoring my time and my desires.
Mark, 46, Harlem
I live my life one day at a time. I pray and meditate regularly. I try to workout three times a week. I eat healthy foods. I’m learning to relax. I’m taking business classes. I’m open to investing money wisely. I’m currently single.
David, 46, Harlem
I’m working on my debt problems, for in my youth I didn’t think I would live this long, so I’ve made some financial mistakes. As for my partner, we both maintain individual homes, for the simple fact of the matter is that we both had some previous “rocky” relationships, and this situation is working out for the two of us. Besides, we both share a relationship with God.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
I have done nothing beyond the legal aspect of growing older.
Cordell, 41, Albany
Naw, I haven’t really quite prepared for it. I have not yet gotten it stuck in my head that I am headed for senior citizenry! ? I have a couple of financial things that I’ve done that will mature when I do and I own a home, so that has become a worthwhile investment that I didn’t really think was when I first purchased it. I also seem to spend more money on the finer things in life as well, and use the excuse that I am buying nicer things now so that I will have them in my older age. ?
James, 43, Oakland
I want to have a long, productive life so I started working out with a trainer last summer. I felt like I was at a mid-point in my life and I need to make some changes in order to stay healthy. The progress is slow but it is happening. I just have to improve my eating habits. I am also taking swimming lessons and really enjoying them. I am improving my credit and trying to save more money. I am enjoying my life more. I am very careful about with whom I share my time and my heart. I am looking to advance my writing and photography to the next levels.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I am spiritually preparing for old age.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
We're still kids in a way, in that we are not thinking/talking about our old age/retirement. We should, I know, but....I want to think that we are starting to lay the foundation for our later years now -- kinda late but better late than never.
Tomorrow, Part 11: Old, Not Dead
For more on this topic, see One More Battle from the Baltimore Sun.
We’ll All Be Old One Day
Black Gay Men at Midlife – Part 9 of a series
If people in midlife can be made to feel isolated and invisible, imagine what gay senior citizens feel? But if the experiences of our group have proven anything, it’s that life isn’t over after 30, or 40, or even 50 and beyond. Just because the rest of society is fixated on youth doesn’t mean older people have gone anywhere.
While we may not have spent much time in our youth thinking about middle age, as midlifers there is a greater awareness of what lies ahead. Old age is not an abstract thought but inevitable. Conscious thoughts are now devoted to this final phase of life, thoughts not rooted in any longing for the past, but rather the sense that each day is to be cherished.
As we move into the last four parts of this series, we focus on how our men are preparing for the future.
Terms like “aging out” and “bitter old queen” are sometimes used to describe people who feel disconnected from their past gay community activities. Has this been your reality, and if so, in what ways?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
“Aging out” is new to me. “Bitter old queen” isn’t although I’ve heard the term “A bunch of cynical bitches” in reference to guys around my age. Yes I’m cynical to a certain degree, but not out of longing for the “old days”. I do find myself wondering more, “Will I die alone?” But the cynicism is much larger than me and how I feel. It’s the utter lack of identifying communities with which to relate. I will be honest, I do find a 50 year old queen in a halter top trying to pick up 17 year olds rather sobering and I want to divorce myself from that. I do understand older people better who are still around when most if not all of their contemporaries, family, friends and associates have died. I understand when they say, “I want to die.”
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
Not my reality
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
No.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
Not at all.
George, 51, New York
The term “aging out” is familiar, as if I am too old and decrepit to socialize or be in the same room as younger gay men. I am often told that I don’t look my age but that does not prevent people from ignoring or dismissing me from events or activities.
Mark, 46, Harlem
No, this is not my reality. I’m unaware of the term “aging out.”
David, 46, Harlem
(no response)
Robert, 40, San Francisco
I don't think so. I think I have moved on to other aspects of my life.
Cordell, 41, Albany
Yeah, sometimes I see how people have been given those titles now more than what I did previously. There is definitely a lot more to complain about because you wish that things were better. And you see that life is not fair for everyone. However, I still feel that it is important to belong to some kind of community and so I have not yet reached a point where I feel that I need to “disconnect” completely.
James, 43, Oakland
A few years ago, I attended the “At The Beach” event in Los Angeles for my first time. It was fun to see friends from near and far. It was great to see all the beautiful men and women too. An interesting thing happened while I was lying on the beach. A young man came past me a couple of times passing out flyers to select people. I realized that he was probably passing out flyers to a party that only the hard body men could attend. I did not feel aged out for I felt that if I had “the look” I would have been invited to the party no matter what age. That was the only circuit event that I have attended. I wished I had gone to D.C. over Memorial Day Weekend with my friends when I was younger. I would not go now not because of age. I am just in a different mindset.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
This has not been my reality at all! I have, however heard these terms as they relate to black gay men that run certain organizations within the Atlanta area. I’m not sure if that’s the case or not, but it doesn’t matter to me. That is not my reality.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
I've known some Bitter Queens in my day, and they could also be Bitter and Young just as easily as Bitter and Old. “Aging out" well, perhaps. Sometimes it doesn't seem like there are a lot of venues for men at mid life. One of the attractions of Leather gatherings is that they seem to be primarily guys our age – it’s really wonderful.
How do you envision the next 20 years of your life?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
I don’t know. I’m too cynical an old bitch to envision anything beyond cynicism, but I do have my moments of thinking of a family and a life that I could find fulfilling.
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I am more financially stable, a home owner, children whether adopted or natural, Good health, long-term relationship.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
One or three homes; investment properties. Opening/running some kind of club or social venue. More travel, continentally and internationally. Resume writing. Delve more deeply into various media distribution outlets. Adopt 1-2 children.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I hope that my relationship continues and grows, that I can maintain my friendships and make new ones, that I continue to advance in my career and make contributions to my field, that I have the opportunity to be involved with other organizations that can serve
the needs of the Black gay community and other communities, and that I am healthy and able to enjoy the next 20 years.
George, 51, New York
I hope that my health holds up and I will be able to retire with a partner, socialize with friends and possibly write about the former years from a Black gay perspective. Not to be bitter but to let them know that there were many Black gay men involved in gay rights, HIV issues, policy and the arts…and everything good did not happen because of the white community. We made contributions and just did not have the same resources and support systems to get our projects discovered and embraced.
Mark, 46, Harlem
I feel the best is yet to come because now I know who I am! I spend less time pleasing others, regretting the past and/or worrying about what others think of me. I intend to be successful with my writing career, seek to travel out of the country and hopefully can spend quality time with my growing family.
David, 46, Harlem
If the cancer remains treatable, I plan on traveling with my nieces, nephews and God-children. I plan on living in Harlem. I would like to enter into the public school system in an administrative role, for I am concerned about the education of “our” youth.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
I see myself completing other goals.
Cordell, 41, Albany
In twenty years I will be in my early 60s, and I don’t see it being any easier than what it is now. Being over 40, I can now see that the older you become, the harder it is for gay people to have partnerships that they have not already established earlier. It’s still all about looks, age and economic status in this community and so, even though I hope to achieve some semblance of economic stability, I can see that it will be necessary in order to have a somewhat good life. I probably will end up spending some of it buying ass (smile). Also, I think about the fact that when I become older, I don’t have any offspring to depend upon to assist me with becoming older.
James, 43, Oakland
I want to be in good health, sexy (if only to me), retired, a homeowner, playing the piano, a couple of books of photography, still writing, and a nice man to keep me company. As the song says, “I want my dinner, some conversation, and loads of lovely love.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
Oh, I am so excited about the next 20 years. I will be more elevated in spiritual consciousness and I will be a spiritual counselor for gay couples. I see myself with my partner (and our dog…perhaps, a kid or two). I see us in a house and planning our yearly vacation. I will have my own therapeutic practice and I will sit on the board of an AIDS Service Organization (if not running one myself).
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Oh god! You mean the long slide to the grave....ROTFL! :-) I hope I get better, become even more the person I am supposed to be. I'll have to take care of myself more than I do now (Ugh!) :-( but otherwise I don't have a negative/dark view of the future.
Tomorrow, Part 10: Senior Life Planning
Looking Back, Moving Forward
Black Gay Men at Midlife – Part 8 of a series
It is not uncommon in the gay community for many people to grow up feeling emotional distance, if not in fact alienation and abandonment, from their biological families. In order to establish some kind of support network, they may consciously choose with whom they associate, creating “family” out of friends. However unlike biological families where ages range from grandparents to parents to children, these created families may have a sameness in age or gender that, while supportive, shuts one off from valuable knowledge. Wisdom ordinarily passed down from elders may not happen if there is no interaction across generational lines.
Middle age is the “bridge” period between seniors and young adults, with both learning and teaching opportunities if such relationships exist. If not, history may simply repeat itself from each generation to the next.
In Part 8, the men close out discussion of their lives today.
Discuss the nature and quality of any interaction you may have with gay men either younger or older.
Conrad, 43, Memphis
The nature of my interaction with gay men is almost null and void except for the occasional meeting of a guy on the street or in academia. The ones in academia ranged from just young to older guys who are afraid of their own sexual shadow so I give them a lot of room. The quality of the interactions is usually poor across the board. Young guys either haven’t fully recognized and acknowledged their sexuality and the older ones (around my age) are terrified of somebody knowing they like men—and don’t even mention the married ones. For those young or old who are acknowledging their sexuality, there is a certain cynicism that you find hard to scale to get to know them. And I’m so much less patient with the bullshit of closetness. I just told a guy to leave me alone because his being in the closet (and everybody knows mind you) is about who saw you standing there talking with me etc. etc. I can’t be bothered with that kind of drama anymore. I told him to not speak to me. He felt like speaking was a “common courtesy” since we had to be around each other at work. I don’t. I don’t want to speak. I don’t want to look at him. He can go to…his work station! There’s nothing common about dismissing someone’s humanity because you’re afraid that everybody knows you’re a punk (and it’s a secret to nobody but him). I’m getting too old to be bothered with that kind of drama.
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I am more of a mentor to younger gay men and am often not attracted to them. Men older than me are interesting and I feel younger in their presence. Slowly but surely thy have become dateable in my eyes because it seems to make more sense to date men within my age range.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
Previous answers fall into this category.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
It varies. I do have several younger gay male friends whom I mentor and offer support to. I want to see them succeed in their lives, and I know how hard life is for us. In terms of my peers, I aim very hard to maintain my friendships and be a good friend. With
older friends, I see them less frequently, but I do try to maintain those friendships as well, because I think they're very important.
George, 51, New York
There are few older gay men I socialize with but those who I do have embraced me as an elder in some respects and a youngster in other ways. As I mentioned earlier, I also tend to mentor many younger gay men about being an activist, living your life publicly and balancing the state of their personal relationships.
Mark, 46, Harlem
Lately my experiences have been rewarding. I feel a sense of responsibility, along with the need to mentor younger men. I’m slowly allowing myself permission to feel attracted to and interact with men older than myself.
David, 46, Harlem
As for young, gay men, I don’t have any interaction, which is a loss for them. For I’m a teacher by nature, and like Countee Cullen’s and James Baldwin’s relationship I would like to become a mentor. But I think the media, hip-hop industry and the unspoken truth and trust surrounding AIDS today, like yesterday has built a huge wall between “us” and “them”.
As for the older, gay men in my life, I occasionally will attend a movie opening with them, but usually I don’t have any contact with them.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
If I encounter other gay men I try to make sure I am comfortable with the individual. Perhaps that happens only with observation.
Cordell, 41, Albany
I now have both younger and older friends who I socialize with. However, I now feel that I am of the age where I can possibly mentor younger men and share with them my experiences and help them along the way (once the attraction diminishes!) Also, I now see older men more as peers than as role models.
James, 43, Oakland
I am an old soul by nature so I have always enjoyed being around older gay men. I love their wisdom and life stories. We do not interact as much these days because of our schedules. They are a bit more stayed than I am. They go to church on Sunday, nice dinners, and quaint little social gatherings. They enjoy their lives and are much more laid back than me. I will often hear from them when they need to find out who is playing where and when because they know I will know.
I enjoy the vibrant energy and creativity of my younger friends. In some cases, they are doing things that I wished that I had done when I was their age. I provide them wisdom and encouragement without being preachy or overbearing.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I love my interactions with my gay brothers. I love my interactions because I know that I’m supposed to teach them something and learn something from them. My best friend and I, for example, used to argue all the time. We’ve certainly mellowed with age. We don’t argue any more. This doesn’t mean that we agree on every issue, we just accept each other for who the other is. Although the younger generation is undeniably gorgeous, I’d much rather teach them, than sleep with them. Often times it seems that our worlds are so different as it relates to life-long partnerships, and the use of the “N” word, and the provocative lyrics in today’s rap music and negotiating revealing clothing…but we are all the same on the inside and that’s the side that’s most important to me. I’m interested in healing us from the inside, out.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
I'm much more comfortable around other older gay men now. Part of that HAS to be just the joy in seeing someone my age, since so many of the people we came up with are no longer with us. I have some interaction with younger people, but for the most part I look at them like a bewildered parent: We went through what we went through so you could act/dress/be like that!?!
Part of me wishes I could impart some 'wisdom' to the younger generation...but I honestly am not sure what I would say (Be yourself? Stop trying to imitate someone else vision of you?) I'm also not sure they would listen.
What are some of the best and worst aspects of being gay and the age you are now?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
The loneliness is sometimes almost unbearable. The lack of imagination with so many guys who think gay is a synonym for fuck and the level of fear with so many guys my age who are afraid to say, “Good evening” for fear people will know their “business” is beyond tragic. And I have even less patience for the guys who give you a whole litany of things not to do or say around common acquaintances because those people might find out their business. I mean almost 50 years old and you’re afraid your Mama will have a heart attack if she knows the truth and you move to have some freedom. Hopeless!
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I'm smarter, I have more options financially and emotionally to cope with the stressors of aging, health, etc.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
BEST: Complete disinterest in “looking” for a lover or life partner; lack of concern regarding internecine politics within and among Black gay peoples; taking a more balanced approach to life and my various interests in general.
WORST: Folks are doing the same things now they were 20+ years ago when I “officially” came out. Same script, different cast. In other words, they bore me.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I don't see many bad aspects. I'm 41 going on 42, and I feel this is one of the best times of my life. Despite the many horrors out there in our society, I think things are changing, on the social level, for the better as the younger generations age, and I believe full social equality, at least in the legal sense, is on the horizon, for Black and gay people.
George, 51, New York
The best aspects are having a real sense of self. Being comfortable in my skin and not really concerned what most people think or say about me. I’m not sure if it’s the worst but dating and going out is very challenging. There are few places that men over fifty socialize without feeling like we are preying on younger men. Some places the young guys think that you should cater to them just because they are young or they try to make you feel inferior or strange for being in a space that they congregate in.
Mark, 46, Harlem
I sometimes feel invisible, marginalized and neglected at my age. Younger guys tell me I “look good” for my age. After the initial sting, I laugh because I used to say the same thing when I was their age. No matter how often I workout, my body is weary. I feel good, yet know I’m closer to 50 than 40. I’ve never felt the sense of freedom, happiness and joy I have in my life today. I’m used to living with a partner or friend. I’ve lived alone almost 12 years now. I answer to no one. I come and go as I please: what a blessing! I feel I’ve been given an opportunity to re-live my childhood, only now with greater awareness.
David, 46, Harlem
Well now at the age of 46, I’m focused more on my health, housing and retirement, family and extended family interaction. Therefore the best part about it is that I’m here, and that my family and friends did not have to endure watching me succumb to AIDS, but I am also a two time cancer survivor, so I am taking life a little more easier.
I also returned back to graduate school, and may be planning to enter Law School.
The worst part is that I do enjoy dancing, and going out, but times have changed across the board, and I prefer small gatherings at home.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
The best aspect I can think of is, I can look back and know what I want and what I don't need in my life.
Cordell, 41, Albany
The best aspect is no longer needing to hide your sexuality to others. The worst is HIV/AIDS still has a very definitive role in sexual interactions.
James, 43, Oakland
I love being the age I am right now. I am awestruck by the goals I have accomplished and the fact that there is so much more I want to do. I get lonely at times but I know in time I will have someone special in my life that is local. My lonely is different in that it is the desire to share the special moments in my life with someone who can appreciate them just as much as I do. The physical loneliness is much easier to fill than the emotional.
A challenge that I found is that once you have been typecast in the gay life, it sticks, and people do not acknowledge that you have grown. My nature is very maternal and nurturing so I was called mama or Mama Knox when I was in my 30’s. It was cute for a time but eventually it got old and I found it very hard for people to stop addressing me in that manner. It is not like I am trying to be big, bad, and butch but I am a man and want to be treated that way. Being able to make a good cake is a great skill but it does not always get you many dates.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I can’t say that there is anything about being gay that is bad for me right now in my life. I love and embrace all aspects of this lifestyle. I love the fact that I can visualize living with my partner and getting married. I love that I am able to forgive in a way that was completely foreign to me at one point in my life. I love my ability to discern genuine friendships. And “yes” I even love the fact that 20 year olds still try to hit on me…LOL!
Here’s the deal: I only recognize and feed LOVE. When we feed things, they grow…positive or not so positive. If I want love to grow in the community then I can’t criticize. I must be love and love will surely grow.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Best: Deeper, closer, 'real' friendships. A certain calmness that comes from having 'made it through' and/or 'seen it all before.'
Worse: The body slowly betrays you, doesn't it? :-)
BTW: It doesn't bother me that I'm 'not on the market' in the sense of being/looking like the slim hairless young things everyone is supposed to lust after. I recognize that as fantasy/advertising, and it doesn't phase me or change my notions/acceptance of who I am.
Tomorrow, Part 9: Preparing for Old Age
Redefining Community
Black Gay Men at Midlife – Part 7 of a series
Middle age is all about self-acceptance, establishing a comfort level that comes about by separating wants from needs, the unimportant from the important. People may seem more focused and driven during this phase of life because they aren’t interested in wasting time doing things that aren’t productive. That includes maintaining relationships that aren’t mutually beneficial. Better to have a few good friends than a large collection of casual acquaintances.
That, and other realizations are the topic of discussion today as our group re-examines the meaning of community.
In what ways do you feel connected to a gay community, if at all? How do you define “community” now and has that changed from when you were younger?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
I don’t feel connected to a gay community and to be quite honest I find myself making any connections with the gay community as few and infrequent an excursion as possible. I don’t identify with gay, sgl or anything in that general area. I don’t get the emphasis on sex over personhood, the thug phenomenon over “will he treat me right” or “does he want to be treated right?” I don’t define community the same way I did say 10 years ago. I thought it my responsibility to try to bring some sense of offering to the community that wasn’t centered around clubs or churches, neither of which provides any real substance for me. I define community now by people with whom I interact and who can talk about themselves and life and where they’re coming from with a sense of sincerity; people who have a spirituality that runs at depth and are evolving. I don’t need a political movement in my living room, at least not in the traditional sense. I’m building what I call a clan about now, especially since I’m in the adoption process. What I thought was community at a younger age was much less demanding about how I wanted to be treated and my expectations of being treated well. Now that I do have expectations of being treated like a human being I find that my sense of community has become extremely stressed and stretched. At the same time I desperately need quality people in my life. What a dilemma I find myself in at 42/43!
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I feel more a part of the community now because I work to make it better compared to when I was younger. I define it as the black gay community.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
I do not feel connected to a gay community of any kind at this point in my life, but that has more to do with my voluntary withdrawal than anything else. I do not define community at this point.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I feel strongly connected to other Black LGBT people, and during my adult life have been either a member or founder of local and national organizations that seek to create and foster Black gay communities. In terms of the wider American gay community and international gay communities, as I noted above, I have made active contacts with and do feel some connection, usually through my career; I was a member of LGBT writing organizations, as well as a board member of the Center for Lesbian and Gay Studies at City University of New York for 3 years. Nevertheless, the ongoing racism, white supremacy, misogyny, classism, and other social and political biases I detect in the mainstream, predominantly white gay community mean that I do not participate in that community's activities uncritically, though on the larger philosophical issue of LGBT equality and civil rights, I agree with them.
George, 51, New York
I have been seen as an activist so the community that I was involved with was very visible and connected to multiple issues. That has changed for me. I am not actively involved in any organizations or groups and don’t feel the need to be “out there” all the time. I ask questions and will support various concerns but am very comfortable being in the background and watching, offering my opinion when asked and moving along.
Mark, 46, Harlem
I’m not gay and don’t feel part of the gay community. I’m ok with it. I now see community as a village of cultural affirmation, intellectual stimulation and spiritual realization. Since I’ve gotten older, my entire perspective on life has changed. God has transformed my existence: my negative sense of self has been replaced by a positive concern for others.
David, 46, Harlem
I felt connected in my earlier “coming out” days. I felt connected when I would join Craig Harris, Issac Jackson, Donald Blance and a host of the early writers of the gay experience in the 1980s, who unfortunately lost their battle to the AIDS virus.
I felt connected when I would leave the clubs, and walk the streets with my Time Square crew, eat breakfast at some dive of a diner, and then end up in some bathhouse, naked, exposed and free . . . but that also brought about responsibility and a few of us didn’t wish to take that on.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
I feel disconnected from the gay community unless it is outside of an urban setting. I thrived for those urban community settings but I am much more satisfied as pursuing personal goals. I define community as a place where I feel comfortable being black and gay. I usually find one without the other.
Cordell, 41, Albany
Because I didn’t become connected to a community until my late 20s and into my early 30s, I really didn’t have a defined sense of community for very long. However, as of late, although I participate in community functions and with community organizations, I can still say that here in Albany, the definition of community is very skewed. There are not many people of color communities visible here. When I was younger, all I lived around and hung out with were people of color. Now, if you can find others who exist that you share something with, it’s seldom.
James, 43, Oakland
I felt more connected when I was in my 30’s and still living in Chicago. I was active in Open Hand Chicago and black gay community groups. It was a fun time and I enjoyed it. When I moved to Oakland, I wanted a break from the community work. I still participate in the AIDS Walk every year and support charity events but the need to “carry the blood-stained banner” is not there for me.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
As stated previously I had no idea what a gay community was in my youth. Now, I am very much involved with the gay community. I believe I was sent here to change lives. I want us to learn how to love ourselves, and each other more, and better. I feel connected to my community because I can’t separate myself from my community. India Arie says in her song “Better People”: “…be the change you want to see in the world and healing will multiply…” Therefore, I am my community. I am the shortcomings in the community and the successes in the community. I refuse to stay stuck in a place where I can’t evolve because whenever I evolve, my community evolves…and my spiritual teaching dictates that I am ever evolving.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Well, I think again I'm closer to those 'micro-communities' (to which I should add on-line gays). The larger (white) gay community...yeah, okay, they kinda sorta speak for me, sometime...but for the most part...
Where, how and with whom do you most often socialize? How has that changed, if at all, since you were younger?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
I wasn’t a big social butterfly in my earlier years. I use to be around family, a few select friends. Now since so many of my family have died off just from old age and disease, my circle has severely decreased in my family and this knowledge has had a deeply transformative effect on me and I can’t say it’s necessarily for the good. A lot of “gay” shit has diminished my personal social circle with what would have been called friends. As far as where I socialize, it’s mostly at home where I cook dinners or at others’ home. We might hang out by shopping or eating out or going places like museums, plays or the zoo together.
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
Nightclubs and events was how I socialized. I currently socialize in meetings, social groups or house gatherings of friends or people in various fields that are familiar and interesting to me.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
(Referred us to answer given in Part 5.)
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I tend to socialize primarily with my partner and our circle of friends, or with my platonic friends in the literary and arts community. I rarely go to bars, clubs or some of the other gay spaces I frequented when I was younger.
George, 51, New York
I have a few friends that I socialize with for different activities. I have theater/dance friends, the cocktail/party friends, the activists/social friends and the movies/chill friends. Some friends are in more than one section but I don’t require everyone to have to do every thing to be a part of my life. When I was younger, it seemed that my friends and I did everything together: party, shop, date, movies, laugh, cry, eat, sleep, share, fight, love together. Some of those folks are gone now but life is also different now.
Mark, 46, Harlem
My social life leaves much to be desired. I don’t have fun like I used to. I lack the sense of spontaneity I experienced when I was younger. I tend to weigh the economics before going anywhere. I sometimes attend cultural events, dance, eat out, shop or watch films with a small group of people.
David, 46, Harlem
Now, I socialize with most of my heterosexual female family members and friends. I don’t socialize with too many of my co-workers like I did when I was younger. I don’t socialize with too many of the gay men of my age or younger for the simple fact that I no longer drink, so I don’t bar hop like I use to. I’m also in a relationship so strip clubs, baths, parks, wild vacations, sexual parties with the “boys”, as enjoyable as it might be, my spirit and values now will be in constant battle, and I am trying to live my life now with less drama.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
I usually like to go to small gatherings with friends. It has changed from wanting to go to the bar on the weekends. I have no desire to do so anymore.
Cordell, 41, Albany
I wasn’t a big drinker when I was younger and so most of my socialization was more “pillow talk” where I slept with them and then if it didn’t work out, they became your friend. Now, I mostly hang out over friends’ homes or go to bars. I actually think that I am less sociable than what I was when I was younger.
James, 43, Oakland
It has changed drastically. I spend a lot time now in music clubs and events so I do a lot of networking with all kinds of people. I like the late shows so I often go out alone as my friends do not like to stay up too late. Whereas most of my friends were gay when I was young, I have straight friends now. When I was younger, I did a lot of clubbing with my friends and would stay out until the wee small hours of the morning. Now, I still go out dancing every couple of months. I treasure my close circle of friends but do not get to see them as often because I am always doing or going somewhere. We get together for dinners, movies, and I host an annual dessert party during the holidays. It gives me a chance to catch up with everyone. I think I have and am creating a very nice life for myself.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I socialize a lot with other gay men on my job, with other young black gay males as a support group facilitator, on Adam4Adam (LOL!), with my (considerably younger) roommate and with my best friends back in New York. I think the only way my socialization has changed is in recognizing that I am more than my face or my body…I am a soul and a heart and a mind. Once I recognized this in myself, then I can help others recognize it in themselves as well. This is important because when I was younger it was mostly about the party. I wish there was someone then that could teach me that ‘The Life’ was comprised of more than just the party scene.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Being a couple you tend to spend more time with other couples, or others who are in some kind of relationship, straight or gay. Also there's more family time as well. A lot of the fires that flared up when dealing with family have banked over the years.
Sunday, Part 8: Intergenerational Ties
Love and the Older Man
Black Gay Men at Midlife – Part 6 of a series
Perhaps the single greatest concern for men who love men is whether they will still be able to find love and form lasting relationships as they age. Gone are the days of chasing after anything that moves. The playing field has changed, in that desirable places to meet people may seem limited, but so too have the standards by which a prospective partner is judged. Nobody’s knocking good sex, but that alone doesn’t make a relationship.
So just where does a middle aged Black gay man go to find love and companionship and how great are the odds at this point in life? Our group of men ponders that thought in Part 6.
If you don't have a partner, how optimistic are you that you can find one at your age?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
I’m not necessarily very optimistic at all I must say to be honest. The educated guys (and this is my opinion) tend to be damn nuts, with a lot of book learning but no real heart about life and love and are less authentic to me. Briefcase assassins I call them. Guys who are more hustlers are more real to me because they are what they are without a lot of material stuff to hide behind. Not that they don’t have their drama too, but they have less to hide because they are hustlers. I’d love to have a partner and I’ve tried to look at this from various academic angles about we’ve been taught to need somebody and the common new age thing now about nobody can complete you. No, nobody can complete you but damn it sure would be good to have somebody with whom you have an earthy attachment to, someone whose smell reminds you of the morning earth on the back roads of Mississippi who even when you lose him in dusk light you can still feel him there. Somebody who is just down to earth and not caught up in gay, sgl, downlow (whatever in the hell that is) and who knows how to pick a ripe watermelon at the country market. Yeah, I just asked for the sun and moon, so no I’m not optimistic.
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
Very optimistic.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
I do not have a partner. There is a person in my life, but we are not a couple. Even if this person and I myself never get together, it’s ridiculously easy to get a partner, so I’m not concerned at all.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
N/A (He’s in a long-term relationship)
George, 51, New York
I think I can find a partner but again, I want someone who is stimulating in and out of bed and a man who has his own life, friends, and interest and does not want or need to be up under me all the time. I actively date but am not willing to jump every time someone seems to be interested.
Mark, 46, Harlem
I’ve been single for over two years. I tend to feel alone, not lonely. I’m equally liberated and prudish about my sexuality. I fantasize about partnering younger guys, yet realize experience, maturity and wisdom is attractive to my spirit. Optimistic? I often feel I won’t partner at all, but then of all a sudden I meet someone who makes my heart flutter.
David, 46, Harlem
Well at the age of 30 I found myself in a “committed/real” relationship for the first time, I don’t include my brief marriage for a lot of right and wrong reasons. But I fell in love with another man at 30, and we stayed together for six years.
It was a learning lesson for us both. And, I would like to think that we both have grown from that relationship. But I also learned that I was looking for “protection” from the world, and he couldn’t “protect me”. It was something that I had to do for myself.
I now have a partner, and we’ve been together for almost nine years. I was always looking for partners in my early relationships, but I don’t think I was ready, for I was unsure of myself. But when I turned 35 things just fell into place.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
Not optimistic at all.
Cordell, 41, Albany
Currently, I am not partnered and presently, I am less optimistic than what I was when I was younger and would walk away from one and jump into another. I take my time about ending relationships now.
James, 43, Oakland
I would love to have a partner but the rules of the road have changed for me. I am almost 44 now so being co-dependent like I was at 22 just ain’t happening. I am much stronger, have much more self-esteem and an overall love for myself. I keep myself very active and busy. I know that does not mix well with a relationship. I am not looking for someone to complete my life. I am looking for a friend, a lover, and a companion. Most of all, he has got to have a life and not be afraid of the life I have created for myself and am willing to share. Yes, I am still optimistic. Unfortunately, most of the men that I have met that could hang live in other parts of the country or world. I am not afraid of love. I just want it to be good love.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I am so excited about what God has for me in a relationship. I look better than I’ve ever looked, I think in a new way, I embrace abundance and prosperity, I’m more intelligent and articulate than I’ve ever been. I’m a catch! I don’t want to sound egotistical but I’ve worked hard to be who I am today. I’m proud of the spiritual, academic, physical work I’ve put into loving me! Although the journey toward a partner (you know, the dating process) can be tedious, it is a necessary part of finding someone special. I have a lot to give and when it’s right…when the season arrives…I will have my right and perfect relationship.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Even though I shouldn't answer, I'll say that everyone should remain optimistic about being/finding love. But also just as important (more?) you should be happy with yourself and being in your own company.
Tomorrow, Part 7: Community Connections Redefined
The Second Act
Black Gay Men at Midlife – Part 5 of a series
Just like a good movie, our lives have a beginning, middle and end. As the star in our own life story we are taken through new and varied experiences, so much so that as we progress through each phase, one may seem to bear only slight resemblance to the next.
Middle age may be the best time of our lives. It’s where “book learning” and common sense fit together neatly. Knowing what we know now, we can look back with amusement, and amazement, at the things we did in our younger years, but with an awareness that having survived it all, we are ready to move forward capable of making different, hopefully better choices.
In Part 5, our group tells us more about their lives, getting a reality check on where they thought they would be at this point and reassessing the value of their relationships today.
How has the vision you had for your life beyond age 30 matched your reality?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
Pretty much, not at all. I think I was much more idealistic before 30 even though I recognized some serious challenges to being a black sgl (same gender loving) man. At this point in my life and I’ll be 43 on March 9th, I’m not the most optimistic man right now for various reasons. Not just because I’m sgl, but because of the road I see the world at large on. It’s all an impact beyond issues around sexuality and loneliness which is a serious lens through which I must view my life. Right now I don’t have much of a vision about how my life should or could be. Right now, I think I might be having pristine visions of a community I’d like to see exist, but the present space is kicking my ass. And I don’t know if that vision I sometimes see in my mind’s eye is a barrier of fear against the reality I’m facing now or what?
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
So far so good education, income, and class are almost where I envisioned. I consider that I have created a middle class existence and struggle like most working single professionals here in NYC.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
N/A (He did not envision life beyond 30.)
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
At first I wasn't sure that I would make it to 30 because of HIV/AIDS, but since I passed that moment, things have matched up quite well. I have a long-term relationship that is approaching 20 years. We own a beautiful home together, we can afford to travel, and we are still very much in love. I have a good relationship with my surviving parent, I have published two books, have won awards for my writing, and have advanced in my career, achieving tenure at the age of 40. Many other things I dreamed of doing have also come to pass, and I hope to be able to achieve them.
George, 51, New York
Not at all how I imagined. First off, I didn’t expect to still be alive and after I realized that I’m still here and have something to contribute to society, I should try to make the most out of my life. My early 40’s were very successful both romantically and professionally but the last few years have been difficult, losing friends and family members due to age and the stressors of getting older. I had the luxury/curse of being openly and publicly gay and that can have its perks and challenges. People often think they know you from your job or positions and don’t take the time to know the person and not the image.
Mark, 46, Harlem
I had no vision of my life beyond age 30.
David, 46, Harlem
I didn’t have a vision for my own life beyond the age of 30, for when I had turned 21 in 1981, I had started burying my lovers, friends and family members. I thought I would be among that number. But now 26 years later, I’m still here. My reality didn’t start to take shape until I turned 31 or 32, that I started to think that I might be around for a while, and that I should stop drinking, take care of myself and those individuals who have been there for me in the good and bad times. I also learned to forgive my father for leaving me at the age of 13. I also learned to trust the fact that I too am a child of God, and that prayer and faith is all I needed to get me through anything.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
I didn’t envision life past thirty years old. I also didn't envision attending school past high school. So it has been open to possibility.
Cordell, 41, Albany
Unfortunately, I never really had a clear picture of what my life was going to become. I just took it as it came. But, I figured that I would be in a long lasting relationship that would have lasted. The reality is that that has not happened yet. I was a little more optimistic in my 30’s because I still felt that I was young enough to be so, yet old enough to know better if it didn’t happen. Now, I know better and am just older. I always was “rushing” to become an adult, because I had an unhappy childhood. Now, I wonder why I was in such a rush.
James, 43, Oakland
My vision was still living in Chicago, having a house, a partner, singing in the sanctuary choir, and maybe being a deacon.
My reality is living in Oakland, California far away from my family, having a really good job but cannot afford a house, losing my father way too soon, stopped attending church regularly because I needed a break and realized I did not really want to be a deacon or trustee, and being single. My reality is also greater than I ever imagined and growing more every day. I am a writer, singer, blogger, interviewer, great uncle, jazzhead, photographer, and a damn good baker. Moving to California has allowed me to grow in ways that I would not have if I had stayed in Chicago.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
Well, I’m still not in a relationship. Finding a relationship has been more than an arduous task for me. However, I have exceeded my vision of life beyond age 30. I never imagined that I’d have a Master’s degree, my own home, a wonderful and nurturing relationship with God. Before age 30 I was afraid of God.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
I was very happy to make it to 30, and 40! Oh baby, so much bullshit just fell away once I hit the big 4-0. I think I thought I'd be a lot more decrepit than I am by now! :-)
I love being older. I love being mature, and yet still having a quality of youth/silliness inside me.
Talk about the quantity and quality of your platonic and sexual relationships now. How has that changed, if at all?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
The quantity probably hasn’t changed much. The quality probably hasn’t changed a great deal, but it certainly hasn’t improved. I think it might have gone backwards. I’m older and yearning more for intimacy now than a fuck. I’m longing for a family, kids included, my own home, my own garden out back, cooking dinners for my family and writing short stories and novels. I’m less interested if not sometimes really disgusted by ripped bodies, young guys who don’t know their head from their ass and just dumb shit. I want to be able to have folks over for cheesecake and coffee and everybody is cool, calm and open to be whoever they are without a lot of drama. I’m probably more dependent upon the old friendships I’ve been able to maintain and shocked at some that have gone by the wayside that I thought would be a lifetime. Now I find that new people who I meet are being closely scrutinized by me for drama and any other garbage they might bring through the door. I’m extremely picky now about whom I let into my life. Older seems to be less for me these days and to some degree a little frightening.
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I have a lot of sex, good dating but I am guarded about my private time.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
They have only changed because I have changed. I more aggressively seek female friends than I did in the past; I am less socially inclined (I rarely go out to clubs and don’t attend many functions), I’m more withdrawn from a Black/gay community involvement standpoint (due to both boredom and disillusionment). As a result, I have very few close friends, but they are very close. I have also become something of a mentor to several young gay men (the whole “gay father” thing) with an emphasis on being a gay surrogate parental figure.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
In terms of my platonic relationships, they have changed, in part because many friends I had when I was in my 20s are at different places in their lives, are deceased, and so on that, so the nature of my friendships have changed. My closest friend (other than my partner) has suffered serious mental problems for the last six years, so that has ended one of the most meaningful platonic relationships I've had. On other hand, other platonic relationships have developed and grown, so I do have a circle of friends, but it's different to some degree from the one I had when I was in my 20s and even 30s. In terms of sexual relationships, I have a long-term partner.
George, 51, New York
I feel that I want more from my platonic and sexual relationships. The Internet and phone lines have made sex more available than ever but I want more than just a quick romp in the bed. I want people who can satisfy and stimulate me both in and out of the bed so relationships have been more difficult. I know a lot of people but have fewer close friends. Folks don’t seem to make time for one another and the ones that do, I tend to want to keep them close as often as possible, but I understand that they have their lives too. I find myself also mentoring to younger gay men and talking about life and relationships, beyond sex. It’s also flattering when the twenty-something’s flirt with me and find me attractive.
Mark, 46, Harlem
Through grace, I accept, love and respect myself today. As a result, I have caring friends from all over the world. I’ve become an introspective homebody, yet I enjoy being with friends who share similar interests. My deepest fear is intimacy, which affects my sexual relationships with men. I’m better at communicating my feelings, getting my needs met and setting appropriate boundaries. Sometimes I fall short, make mistakes and/or wander off course. I watch too much porno, which hinders the quality of my sex life. In fact, I beat my dick like it owes me money (smile). My life is an open book. I have no secrets.
David, 46, Harlem
Oh, between the ages of 21 and 30, my friendships, both platonic and sexual were emotionally, spiritually, physical draining. I didn’t wish to reach out for fear that those who knew me would fear losing me to AIDS. Or vice-a-verse I would lose them, for now we all realized that AIDS did not discriminate.
So I partied hard, drank hard and loved less, including myself, I was on a self-destructive train path, and dancing as fast as I could to just end the madness of having witnessed so much loss, from 1980 to 2007 . . . today I have lost over 300 family, friends and lovers to the AIDS epidemic.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
The quality and quantity of relationships has lessened as I have advanced in age. It is good and bad. I don't have time for the meaningless relationships as I had when I was younger.
Cordell, 41, Albany
I still prefer having one or two people who I consider friends, then to be in crowds. However, as I become older, I am unwilling to accept some of the stuff that people try to dish out to you. I had a very close friend who I am no longer involved with because I felt that he didn’t have any respect for me and my opinions and tried continuously to usurp his opinions upon me. I am more willing to let go of people who I feel do not have my best interest at heart more so than what I was when I was younger. Many of the friends that I do have, have been a part of my life for significant periods of time, and so I am not in a rush to make new friends as much or to allow those opportunities to develop. This is probably more of a setback than anything else. I think that you have to put in a lot of work and time to nurture and to develop friends and sometimes, I just do not think that I have the energy to do so. In terms of my sexual relationships, I am more willing to be attracted to different types of guys and not try to stick to my “type” of men--meaning, I have become involved with younger men, men who I might not have given the time of day to when younger. What has changed is that it’s harder to find “available” men for more meaningful relationships.
James, 43, Oakland
My circle of close friends is small and I truly treasure them now. We keep each other grounded and loved. We laugh a lot about the craziness of life, gay and otherwise.
Even as a big man, I still get my share of sex. Of course, I am a little too old for the parks now so online dating has become my park, per se. I have had a couple of relationships in about the last ten years. Unlike, living in Chicago, I am not so hell-bent on my partner being black and have enjoyed men of other cultures. I actually enjoy the diversity.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I had to learn that quantity in my sexual flows was not healthy for my heart, mind or spirit. I have a friend the same age as I, and he continues to do the same things at 43 that he did at 23. He goes out all the time, picks up a new guy each time and brings them back home with him. I’m not judging him, because that works for him. I’m just thinking about how some of the behaviors that I exhibited at 22 are no longer acceptable at 42. At what point do we demand more of life, of ourselves, or our loved ones? My platonic relationships are stronger than ever now because I’ve learned to pick and choose my battles. Fighting every issue and idiosyncrasy is far too exhausting.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
I have more friends now, and I think our relationships are deeper and richer. More fulfilling. I get more out of/from my friends now (soul nourishment).
Sex? I'm married. What's sex? :-)
I'm not out burning it up like I used to, but on the other hand sex also is richer, more intense. I think I know more and can please and be pleased in ways I wouldn't have thought of when I was younger.
Tomorrow, Part 6: Finding Love As An Older Man
The End of Our Youth
Black Gay Men at Midlife – Part 4 of a series
For the generation now in or approaching middle age, the single greatest unifying experience was the arrival of HIV and AIDS. More than 20 years ago, when this population was in the flower of their youth as older teens and young 20-somethings, a strange, new and deadly illness first appeared across the country and around the world. It appeared slowly at first, claiming its victims one by one with a sickness that had no name, no readily identified means of transmission and no cure or treatment options. It would erupt like a raging forest fire, by decade’s end claiming the lives of record numbers of people from all walks of life but most noticeably among gay men. For this generation, it would rob them of their friends, lovers, family members, neighbors, leaders and icons.
In those days, there were no antiretroviral medications to slow the progress of the disease. If someone became infected, their decline could be quite rapid and life expectancy was measured in weeks or months, not years as is the case now. The stigma attached to the illness was oppressive. People who became infected often lost their jobs and homes and were ostracized by family, many living their final days in poverty or dying alone. Add to this the realities of life during the Reagan 80’s. When people were looking for government leadership to get a handle on this growing epidemic, President Ronald Reagan never once uttered the word “AIDS” during his entire eight-year administration.
Regardless of the times and conditions, many young people live in the here and now, never thinking about tomorrow beyond the next pleasurable sensation. One’s 20’s should be a period of optimism and hope, but for our group of middle aged men, reality crept in, and guidance in navigating it all was at a premium, as they explain in Part 4 of our series.
How did you envision your life beyond the age of 30? Did you have any regular interaction with gay people who were older than you?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
I really didn’t envision a life beyond 30. I just didn’t have that mindset. I was too busy dealing with the age where I was and family and personal issues. As far as regular interaction with older gay people, I had some, but I found it discouraging and depressing. Most of them were either drinking way too much, their conversation was more often than not about trade or their “piece” and the ensuing gossip about who took whose man, and older men breaking younger one’s in, practically pimping them instead of giving them something positive to hope for. Looking back a lot of them had nothing much to hope for. They were lonely and isolated and didn’t like themselves at all, let alone love themselves. I remember thinking that if I’m 50 or 60 and my only option is the life they were living or cruising, then I hope I’m dead and gone.
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I felt that I would be educated and working (I am). I was always concerned about the relations I would have with older gay men. It always felt loaded with power dynamics and now I am one of those men and it seems that the pendulum of aging has shifted and 40 is the new 30.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
Did not envision life beyond 30. From the age of 16, I had regular interactions (friendship only) with many gay men who were older (26 – 40+) than I was.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
When I was in my 20s, I had a number of gay friends who were much older than me; one of my first boyfriends was 40 or 41, which seemed so old back then, but I found that we connected on many levels. I had friends who were in their mid-to-late 30s, including some gay men who were active in the 1970s gay liberation era, and have always cultivated friends who were many years older. A number of these men died of HIV/AIDS. I treasure, however, the friendship and connections I had with them.
George, 51, New York
By the time I was thirty, I had been working in the HIV field for a few years and lost several friends and past lovers. I thought that it was only a matter of time until I became infected and did not expect to be around much past the age of 40. The man who brought me out and I have remained (and are still) friends for years and I knew a few other gay men who were older than myself, and we often would talk and tried to stay connected.
Mark, 46, Harlem
As a young adult, I thought (read: assumed) folks over 30 were boring, jaded and old. I had no vision. In addition to my alcohol and marijuana use, I lived for the cutest outfit, hottest guy and/or next party. I had no interest in ‘older’ men, whether sexual, social or spiritual.
David, 46, Harlem
My initial attraction when I “came out” in the late 70s was to older men. One of the simple facts of the matter was that I had a long commute into the city for work, school and entertainment, that they were the only ones, at that time, with their own places. And, the majority of them saw something in me that I didn’t see in myself, and therefore were more of a mentor to me, rather than sexual partners. As of the men in my age group, I was once again the caretaker, for most of my teenage gay friends didn’t come from stable homes (not that mine was any better), but I did have a mother and sister that loved me, especially when I learned to love myself and be true to what I am. So I would bring home all of my “street-kid” friends and create an extended family for them. Most of my friends were cross-dressers, street hustlers and in need of love. What they got from my family was shelter, a warm bed, meals and lots of music and laughter. This environment was created once I become more sure of myself and “came out”. I was accepted by my family. So I had more of an advantage than my peers.
I didn’t think I would live beyond the age of 21 for the simple fact of the black on black crime rates of the 70s, or even my own thoughts of suicide, and the fact that my father died from alcoholism at the age of 29, that I thought I would have died from an early death.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
I thought of myself as professional and generally I had interaction with gay people my age.
Cordell, 41, Albany
I never really thought much beyond the next day when I was younger. However, I always had an attraction to older men, so I stayed in communication with many.
James, 43, Oakland
I believed that I would fall in love and be in a relationship that would last for many years. I did have much interaction with older gay men. I had great mentors and they definitely helped me along the way.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I don’t remember having regular interactions with gay people… that is, until about 22 years old. By that point I wanted everything (and everyone) I saw. I guess on some level I did envision my life beyond 30. Again, I’m not sure if this was a conscious thought or an inherent, instinctual feeling. I just knew that I loved whatever was developing “in” and “around” me and I wanted it to last forever. So “yes” I must have envisioned myself with a partner beyond 30. I’m more than sure, however, that I didn’t think about it beyond that point or what life with a partner might have looked like.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
There was a period in my life (during 20's) when I didn't think I'd make it to 30. HIV, mental illness...a lot of different things impinged on me that made me think I wouldn't be around at that age. I really had no conception of what the future might be like (in this part I don't think I was that much different from most young people).
My first partner was older -- in his 40s' -- so yeah, I had interaction with him and his friends. I've always been around 'older' gay people.
What were some of the best and worst aspects of being young and gay?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
Not having any sense of where I belonged or of being loved for me.
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
Physically I was "fabulous" like a young sculpture and a lot of the attention I got came about because of my physical appearance to a great extent, and continues today. I was able to be out at all hours and not stress time and energy.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
BEST: Not having been indoctrinated into any form of gay/queer thought, lifestyle, clique or niche, I was able to observe various gay men and form my own opinions. That also allowed me to be able to go fearlessly into venues (clubs, neighborhoods, gay social circles) that other younger and older Black gay men did not frequent.
WORST: If there was any one single thing, it was the infuriating lack of respect from some – not all – older gay men.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I can't think of any bad aspects of being young and gay except that I was not as self-confident as I am now, the environments in which I lived were much more homophobic, and the threat of death from HIV/AIDS was much more prevalent. It was a wonderful time in so many ways, though.
George, 51, New York
The best aspects of being young and gay were the freedom, the clubs, the meeting of new people and being sought after by others. The worst aspects were being misunderstood and not taken seriously due to age, career or “station in life”. People would act as if you were incapable of participating in serious subjects because you are gay and young.
Mark, 46, Harlem
I hated being gay. I thought the ‘gay lifestyle’ was shallow and superficial. I felt like it was an adventure, more of an escape, yet I felt neither comfortable in my skin, nor safe in my own neighborhood. I wanted to be respected as a man and being gay was in the way. I felt trapped by my desires. I thought my youth made me invincible. I rarely considered the consequences of my behavior, planned for the future or saved money. My attitude of indifference and general negative outlook on life fueled my decision-making.
David, 46, Harlem
The best times for me were meeting a mentor, friend and later my pastor, Rev. Mann who told me at the age of 18 to be myself. Since then I fell out of the closet with such force that I could have caused a small earthquake. But seriously, it was his word that gave me strength to shed the years of “keeping quiet”. Since the age of six I’ve known that I was gay, but it wasn’t until I was eighteen that I took a stand.
The worst times were going through elementary, junior high school and high school feeling “unprotected” and not excelling in the areas that I could have shined and been creative. It wasn’t until I was in my first years of college that I joined the theatre clubs, the debating clubs, the local school and community newsletter teams.
I didn’t evolve into myself until I turned 18, and the best times were between 18 and 20, then the AIDS epidemic happened, and I found myself reverting back to the younger years of feeling “unprotected”.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
Having the same opportunity to date and do all the rituals young people do. I did have a social network but it was small.
Cordell, 41, Albany
The worst aspects were always being worried that someone would find out that you were gay and “out” you or hate you because of it. The best aspect was always being sexually ready and willing.
James, 43, Oakland
The best part of being young and gay was being carefree and if you caught something then, there was a cure for it. The worst part was losing so many friends to AIDS and feeling insecure about my looks.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
Some of the worst aspects of being young and gay were that I didn’t see a lot of people with ‘direction’…goals…aspirations for the long term. The big thing at that time was living to party. I was in the minority as a student in college and striving for my degree. I still went to the club…The Garage, as a matter of fact! There was nothing like The Garage because everyone partied together; the gays, the lesbians, the straights, the elderly, the drag queens. The Garage…it’s music…it’s atmosphere were wonderful aspects of my gay youth. I re-live them now in my head when I’m at the gym listening to disco classics. I have fond memories of the change rooms in particular, where we would change into our party clothes, and at the end of the evening we would take our washcloths and do a bird-bath before changing back into our street clothes and going home. The best parts of being young and gay came as a result of living a very carefree life. Looking back on it now, living a carefree life cost many of my brothers their lives. AIDS devastated our community and no one seemed to be paying attention. That wasn’t okay with me.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Best -- Energy! Being able to stay up and out all night. Not knowing how I managed to drive back home after being in the club till dawn in another city. Being unburdened, carefree.
Worse -- The shallowness of things. Myself and other people. Thinking that all there was to life was going out and enjoying yourself, and that anything 'serious' wasn't worth considering.
Tomorrow, Part 5: Midlife Reality Check
Friendship, Love and Intimacy
Black Gay Men at Midlife – Part 3 of a series
Beyond the mere search for connection with groups of people is the need for deeper, closer, more personal relationships.
The period of our youth is often typified by the desire to not only make friends but to satisfy our natural sexual curiosity. In that respect, men who love men are no different from their heterosexual brothers. But if one has grown up receiving confusing and negative messages about the correctness of their type of love, how easy are those things to attain? How possible is it to form real bonds when you perceive yourself as “different?” Is it possible to turn any relationship into something more meaningful? Is that even a goal or should we accept the popular notion that gay men only want sex?
In Part 3, our group of Black gay middle aged men discuss the challenges they faced establishing connections on an individual level during their developmental years.
Talk about the quantity and quality of both your platonic and sexual relationships years ago?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
The quantity of them was few which I didn’t realize until I was at the Health Department and a so-called counselor there scolded me for saying I had only been with a few guys. He’d heard about gay men having been with dozens, even hundreds of guys. I didn’t have that level of sexual experience. I was too afraid and uninitiated into the “gay” community to know where to go for outlets and how to meet people. And being overweight no one was going to show me.
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
There was neither quantity nor quality. Encounters were few and far between because of the lack of knowledge of navigation.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
This is a very broad and unclear question. “Quantity”? No distinction between romantic and sexual relationships? Is this related to relationships with other gay/bi/trans people or folks at large? But a stab:
Certainly more platonic relationships than romantic/sexual ones. Always more of the outsider-looking-in/insider-looking-out variety. There was never any remove in terms of my interactions with anyone straight or otherwise in terms of my dealings with folks. People were either kind or mean to me, but it had nothing to do with my sexuality (although in my mid-teens, it was fairly well-known among my friends and within my community). My friends were accepting, non-homophobic and pretty cool with everything.
Sexual relationships were just that, sexual. And few and far between. There were only a few (less than 5) people with whom I had sexual contact, I being between 8-17 and them being between about 9- 16 (generally concurrently i.e., if I was 12, the boy I usually “messed with” was about 12 or 13). Nothing more than heavy petting and oral stuff; lots of frottage. My first full sexual encounter when I was roughly 19 years old with an 18 year old, who became my first lover. In terms of my treatment of him, due to my immaturity I was pretty shabby toward him.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I have always had a wide array of good to close friends, but the number ironically has waned as I've gotten older, even though I've met an increasing number of people through my career. In terms of platonic relationships, these were and are the majority. When I was single, I had two short-term intimate relationships, and a number of brief or one-time sexual hookups and so on.
George, 51, New York
I had some friends who I have known for more than thirty years so that quality has continued. We talked about our respective boyfriends and such but we never crossed the lines. The people who were my friends were in my life because we had similar interests and we all just happen to be gay too. The sexual partners were there for a time and when it was over they were gone. There are some exceptions and some of my closest friends now are former sex partners.
Mark, 46, Harlem
My personality lends itself to both men and women. I ‘knew’ a lot of people, yet no one really knew how I felt about myself: neither my family nor my best friend. I enjoyed our polite, yet distant relationships and had more associates than friends. After four years of exclusivity, my longtime partner and I tried to have an open relationship; we both dated other guys, which didn’t work for either of us. I was an emotional wreck.
David, 46, Harlem
Because my “real” platonic friendship consists of my being the caretaker and big brother to all of my family and friends, I never let them in on the “secret” that I might be a “sissy, punk and faggot.” I was just the nice, well mannered and matured eight year old. Besides most of the adult men and women in our lives were confronting issues that we children had no clue as to the social, emotional and financial impact (e.g., civil rights, racism and poverty of the 60s). We were still children, yet, I always felt older then my peers. As for sex, looking back I truly believe my first experience at an early age was a result of a teenage, family or friend visitor whom I may have had a crush on that took it a step farther. In addition, although I wanted it, I didn’t completely understand the “rejection” that followed. I’ve been told by so many people that I’ve been jaded by my experiences in relationships, both straight and gay, and that people have to trust to have committed and loving relationships. But since I was attached to the shady lifestyles of the 70s and early 80s Times Square, I saw a different side of those committed and healthy/loving relationships.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
It was so important to have peers my age and a place to meet them. I could count them on one hand but their acquaintanceship was so important to my development.
Cordell, 41, Albany
I was a loner for a significant part of my life and so I only really had few friends at a time. I really hated crowds and so I avoided groups of people and felt more comfortable with one on one relationships versus groups of friends. Plus, I never wanted to have all my friends in one space because I figured that the only thing that they would have in common was me. When I was younger, I always was attracted to older men and so many of the men who I dated, slept with or befriended were at least 10 years or more older than I was. I didn’t think that guys my age could “teach” me anything. And I liked the attention that older men lavished on me and the wisdom that they imparted through some of the stories of their lives that they talked about. Now, regarding my sexual relationships, I had many more meaningful ones then what I have now; especially with the invention of websites specifically designed for hook ups. I could have sex three times a day with three different men when I was in my 20s and 30s. Now that I am in my 40s, if I could have one a day, that’s a miracle. I have learned more about the “game” in terms of hooking up without adding any meaning to the sexual experience than what I did when I was younger. And I am more tolerant of things that people say and do then what I was when I was younger. I used to be the one who would end the relationship first. Now, it’s a dead even heat.
James, 43, Oakland
I was friendly so I made lots of friends. I think I was pretty well liked back then. There were a few relationships but nothing ever lasted for very long for one reason or another. An aspect from my youth that still exists today is that I am the “nice guy” and while it may make me famous one day, it does not get you many dates. People were always looking for someone with an edge or a certain quality that I just did not have. Only a handful of my friends from the early days are still around. Many died from AIDS, bad trade, and other causes.
Sex was very easy to get and I often thought that because someone had sex with you, they cared about you beyond the orgasm. I was definitely wrong.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I can only talk about “quantity” as it relates to sexual relationships and “quality” as it related to platonic relationships. My sexual relationships were just that…sexual! I remember wanting “more” but I didn’t know what I wanted “more” of. I can only recall that I wanted to have what women had the opportunity to enjoy: attention, comfort, to be made to feel special and someone to love. I’m not sure that there was a conscious thought that this could come from a man. In other words, it wasn’t until approximately age 21 that I realized that there was a gay community and that men had loving relationships. Before knowing this, I guess I just had casual flings and was often times left yearning for more but not knowing or understanding what “gay” was. This is where the quality of my friendships took over, because I realized that “gay” meant more than just sleeping around. The friendships I developed at the time were wonderful supports. I recall my friend Darryl, who took me to my first black gay club. There was a party at the Cotton Club on 125th Street. I remember looking out at a sea of beautiful, black men and wanting to be a part of it (my first conception of a gay community, I guess). I was overwhelmed and I didn’t want to leave. Darryl was supportive in introducing me to black, gay culture.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Before or after coming out? Before...someone in college I became friends with said to me that he was afraid to talk to me because I seemed like a balled fist most of the time. After: I had some friends, not many (FYI, I think I have more friends now, thanks to e-mail and the internet connecting us), and 'know' a lot of people. I did go through a period where it bothered me that many of my friends were also people I'd slept with...but I got over that. :-) And also I did/do have friends who I've not been physical with. When I was younger (just slightly before and in the early days of The Plague) sex was easy to come by, plentiful, casual, sometimes intense, sometimes a waste of time. I like to think I learned a lot from all that fucking (and not just about fucking).
Tomorrow, Part 4: Is There Life After 30?
The Search for Community
Black Gay Men at Midlife – Part 2 of a series
In the first part of our series, we met twelve middle aged Black gay men who shared stories about how they came to terms with their sexual identity and how that impacted the perception of their ability to pursue certain life goals. While their coming out process may not have been unlike that of other people before and since, put in the context of the time period when they came of age—the 1970’s and 80’s—their lives have been shaped by the conflicting influences of limited expectations and rapidly emerging change.
In Part 2, they discuss more of the experiences that helped to shape their early lives, talking now about their efforts to create social networks and the ways in which they sought out, defined and connected to community.
With whom did you most often socialize, where did you do it, and how did you define “community?’
Conrad, 43, Memphis
I often socialized with girls and women. They were safe to me as I had no real sense of how to interact with males. I saw them as a threat since I didn’t really identify with the precepts of masculinity. I didn’t belong and I wasn’t about to adventure over the fence to find out what it was to be a man by “their” standards. I don’t think I had a definition of community then. I was too busy just trying to be accepted and hoping I didn’t get rejected or embarrassed somehow because I was different. Where I associated with women was usually some private place, not public places.
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I was on a college campus so my socialization was among peers who were not gay but "different" I was one of the few out individuals.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
Not sure how many questions are wrapped up here. Is the definition of community past or present tense? Is there an assumption of having already “come out” versus socializing with out or non-out people? Or is this a general question?
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
Once I came out, increasingly with gay friends I'd made, as well as non-gay friends I'd had before I came out, or that I made during my college and post-college years.
George, 51, New York
At first I had only a few friends from the arts and the one person I was having sex with. Soon my sexual partner introduced me to other men and I began going to parties and meeting more people. Some of my friends took me to “Better Days” and my life changed so much because I meet so many new people from so many walks of life and really enjoyed the diversity of community. This was in the mid to late 70’s and life was very different and the club scene in NYC was amazing. I was meeting people all over the city but had my close friends for support and talks. The arts, theater, fashion and dance communities were my community.
Mark, 46, Harlem
I primarily socialized with gay-identified black men in bars, clubs, on beaches, around schools, or at parks. I defined community as a caring environment where folks ‘looked out’ for each other.
David, 46, Harlem
I didn’t socialize with anyone. I was the eldest man-child, so I took on the “responsibility” of caring for my younger siblings, while my mother worked (product of a single-parent household). I went to school, came home, and then read a lot. I had no sense of “community” until I followed two white, gay men off the “B” train one day from school at West 4th Street and landed on Christopher Street, and the rest is history. I was seventeen or eighteen years of age, and it was either 1977 or 1978. Prior to that, the “out gay men” were often drunks, flaming drag queens, and like John Amaechi’s latest book, Man in the Middle, thirty-years later, I too often felt as if I was in the middle of both worlds (gay and straight), and not from a sexual stand-point, but rather from a social and emotional stand-point. I’ve grown up around a lot of “straight” family and extended family members, so my perception of how the world operated was from their value system. Unfortunately, it has taken me over thirty-years to realize how wrong they all were in so many ways.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
I was curious about other young gay people therefore I searched my community for those individuals. There were none. The Gay University group at the student union saw fit to start one.
Cordell, 41, Albany
When I was in high school, my best friend Wanjiru, her friend Nicky (a flaming queen), Steven (who thought no one knew he was gay), and William (who used to organize fashion shows) were the kids I used to hang out with. Later on, while in college, I socialized with the gay professors and staff persons. I never did feel comfortable around straight men or women because I always felt different from them and that I didn’t share the same interests that straight men did (i.e. pussy) and although I was comfortable enough to spend time around women, I was always afraid of being “hit on” and them finding out my secret. So to avoid this, I either hung out with gay men and lesbian women or by myself.
James, 43, Oakland
I was about 15 years old when I strolled into one of the cruising parks on Chicago’s south side. Of course, at that age, everything was new and thrilling. This became a regular hangout for me. I made friends socially and sexually. I also started making friends in my neighborhood. Surprisingly, there were quite a few gay men in my neighborhood. They were all very nice people and looked out for me since I was young and a bit of a square.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
From what I can remember, through my high school years I hung out with my female friend and her brother. We didn’t do much because we (or I) didn’t know anything about the gay community in New York City in Greenwich Village at the time. We would speak on the telephone a lot and occasionally visit each other’s home and neighborhoods, but that was it. At that time, I knew nothing about a gay “community” and so defining it wasn’t even in my purview.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Had a few friends, but not very many, in high school. More in college, and even joined a fraternity, but still managed to be the loner at the party. I have more friends and am more open after coming out.
In what ways did you (or did you not), feel connected to a gay community of any kind?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
I didn’t feel connected to a gay community. I didn’t even know what that was as it implies some organized or central place. I think the closest thing I could associate where there was the presence of more than just one “sissy” was church and I wasn’t a big church going person.
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I felt disconnected in the beginning because I did not really know how to negotiate the community so at first there was no connection to the black gay community. So there was very little knowledge of how to make links.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
There was no gay community of any kind where I grew up.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I felt strongly connected to other LGBT people, especially Black gay people. I became involved with Black gay organizations in the various cities I lived in, and made many good friends through them. In terms of the wider American gay community and international gay communities, I also actively engaged with and established some connections, though I found that racism, classism, and other social and political issues tended to keep direct ties to the wider (predominantly white) gay community tenuous at times.
George, 51, New York
I was young and had acceptance from my family and close friends so I felt it was easy to be in the community and be openly gay. Not until I met people who had to sneak out and lie who they hung around with did I know how challenging and hard some folks had it.
Mark, 46, Harlem
I never felt connected to a gay community because I sensed hostility, jealousy and mistrust among many gay-identified men. I resented the expectations of being feminized. I longed for brotherhood, cultural affirmation and genuine intimacy. I was unaware of diverse ways of healthy expression and/or socialization.
David, 46, Harlem
I had grown-up with three drag queens as extended family members (in 1960’s), but they were over the top for my mind to completely understand, although now at my age, might have been “best of friends”. But at the age of 7, 8 or 9, I didn’t think they were respected, but rather put-up-with, and unfortunately the burden of that caused them to lose their lives to drugs, drinking and death at an early age. Just when I was reaching the age of 12, 13 or 14 they were gone. So I turned into a homebody to avoid the pit-falls that I witness them go through.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
I believe I was disconnected due to my social and financial status. I didn't let that stop me from trying to find that magical place called community.
Cordell, 41, Albany
I really was not even aware that there was a “gay community” until was in college for graduate school at Ohio State. There I participated in a gay men’s support group. But even then, I would not have called that a community. I wasn’t aware of such an existence until I came to Albany, New York in 1992.
James, 43, Oakland
I felt connected in the respect that we were young and gay but yet I felt disconnect in many ways because I did not drink, smoke weed, or turn tricks like some of my friends back then. I was definitely the odd man out but I wanted to fit in yet not willing to do those things.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I never thought about feeling connected to any gay community because I didn’t know that a community existed. I only felt connected to my friends, at that time.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Oddly, one of the reasons I told myself I WASN'T gay was that I was not like the long-haired, flowing-robe wearing male neighbor I had growing up. Gay = "Queen" and since I wasn’t, then I couldn't be gay. I feel/felt more connection with what might be termed “micro-communities”--black and gay; leather/SM folk; black gay leather SM folk :-)-- than with the larger and still overly white “gay community.” Having said that, I appreciate the space they have created in most cities, and enjoy going to the Gayborhood where ever I am, just to let that aspect of myself breathe a bit.
Tomorrow, Part 3: Friends and Lovers
A Conversation With My Brothers
Black Gay Men at Midlife – Part 1 of a series
They are part of the Baby Boom generation. Born between the mid-1950’s and the late 1960’s, the oldest were in elementary school during the March on Washington in 1963, the assassinations of Malcolm X (1965), Martin Luther King (1968) and the birth of the modern gay rights movement touched off by the Stonewall Riots in 1969.
Some had already become aware of their true sexual identity by the time the American Psychiatric Association declassified homosexuality as a mental illness in 1973, but make no mistake, the world was a vastly different place in those days. Calls for tolerance and equality, taken for granted now, were few and far between then, and a Black gay male child growing up in the world had neither assurance nor expectation of support from anyone in any quarter.
Just as many of these men were coming of age and growing in their own self-awareness, HIV/AIDS arrived, in the early 1980’s. This generation of Black gay men would lose literally thousands of their peers to the pandemic, but they would also be on the frontlines of activist efforts to do something about it. Most of the Black gay national and local organizations for health and social support were started, if not by this generation, then by those who came just before them, during their youth, and with their active participation.
As time has passed, personal and social priorities have shifted. America has always been a youth-oriented culture and the gay community is no different. People once vital and valued members of the community, may now struggle to find connection or may willingly choose to pursue interests less singularly focused. Older, but with lives no less vibrant or purposeful, these men must now redefine themselves at midlife.
* * *
This is the first in an on-going daily series on this blog where I will feature the thoughts and opinions of a diverse group of Black gay men. I sent a lengthy questionnaire to a large group of people. These 12 took the time to respond, for which I am grateful. The results are what I believe to be an interesting snapshot of a population not often heard from or studied; middle aged Black gay men.
They were born and live in different parts of the country, have different backgrounds and experiences, but also share many commonalities stemming from the period when they were born and the times we live in now. I have identified them only by their first name, age and the cities where they now live.
The series will focus on their past coming out and social experiences, their lives in the present, and their vision of the future. To start, I asked them all to begin at the beginning.
When and how did you acknowledge to yourself an attraction towards men? How did you first begin to seek out others with whom you could explore these feelings?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t attracted to the same sex. I acknowledged early on in my life, probably just before puberty. I didn’t really consciously seek out others until I was in college. I wasn’t even sure what it was that I was feeling and that there might be something to what I feel more than a passing fancy.
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I was a teenager in another country and my playmates were my age and we were attracted to each other. We sought each other out during games of cowboys and Indians.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
Between 8 –10 years old. Playing around with other kids my age.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
Consciously somewhere between the ages of 9-11. I began to explore the fact that I might be gay while I was still in high school, and then came out, partially, while I was in college. I had my first gay sexual experiences and boyfriends while in college, and also made my first contacts with the larger gay community during those years.
George, 51, New York
I resisted the feelings at first, I was about 19 and a friend of my sister approached me. He was the first man that I did anything with but he was also much older than me and helped me understand some things and talk my initial concerns out. I also had some close friends who were conflicted about their attraction to men so eventually we confided in one another. I knew some gay people from school and other activities but didn’t feel we had much in common at first.
Mark, 46, Harlem
I was an innately curious child and remember being fascinated with male genitalia around the age of seven, starting with my younger brother. I had neither a desire nor an intention of being sexual with him, and never crossed that familial boundary. We shared the same bed as kids and I remember aiming a flashlight directly at his penis when he was sleeping. I also remember staring at boys my age and not understanding why, especially since it appeared other boys my age were expected and/or supposed to be looking at girls in a similar way. I never shared these feelings with anyone, for many years, until I started going to gay bars and clubs in my early 20’s. I expected to identify with others, yet always felt alienated, different and unique. I was deeply terrified of being exposed, humiliated, rejected and shamed, even in environments designated for safety, security and socializing.
David, 46, Harlem
I had to be around the age of six or seven (e.g., 1967). My “confusion/stage of experimenting” or connection was around the age of nine with a brief encounter with a friend, and then again at the age of twelve with a friend. But it wasn’t until I had turned nineteen that I had my first “encounter” and then learned quickly about lust, love and rejection.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
During my adolescence.
Cordell, 41, Albany
I had knowledge of my feelings for men when I was in the fourth grade and was interested in a boy named Claude. I never did acknowledge those feelings to him. It wasn’t until I was in the 5th grade that those feelings grew stronger with the number of crushes that I had on boys (Jeff and Albert) among the many. One summer I went to sleep away camp and my roommate, who was this crazy Puerto Rican who used to sneak out during the night to go swim in the pool, crawled in my bed. The girls use to sneak in the boys’ rooms and they caught us in bed together (I have no remembrance of what we did; I just remember being “caught.”) I didn’t actually act upon my feelings towards men until I was 16 and in high school and met another boy who shared the same feelings I did.
James, 43, Oakland
I was nine years old and I initiated relations with my two older cousins (10 and 11.) We called it practicing for the girls. It went on for a few years. At 11, our family moved away so I was always excited when we came back home and I could see my cousins. It ended when I was nearing 14. They were more into girls and I was not.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I remember being in the 4th grade and having a crush on two boys. I didn’t know at the time that I was attracted to them. All I knew was that I wanted to be around them all the time. As an adult I realize that that must have been my first acknowledgement of my attraction to boys.
It was probably in high school that I first began to seek out others with whom I could explore these feelings. I remember my best friend (at the time) coming to me and asking me if I had feelings for males like she had feelings for girls. I was ecstatic when she broached the subject because it had been bottled up inside of me for so long. For days (probably for the rest of the school year) afterward we would exchange “crush” stories.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Hmm…probably had my first strong attractions in high school: 15-18. Didn't do anything about it, basically ran away from it. Tried to rationalize/intellectualize it into something other than what it was. Didn't come out and explore until I graduated from college (age 23)
In what ways did the awareness of your sexual orientation affect how you perceived your ability to achieve your life goals and dreams?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
It made a serious impact. I remember not wanting to play sports which I was told I had the build for as a boy because I was certain my attraction to other boys would come out. Looking back on my adult life, I realized that my sexual orientation was the reason I choose not to do some things in my life. I choose to be less daring in pursuing other possibilities for my life including singing or artistic endeavors. I thought there were just certain things a “gay” man did not do like play sports; a real boy shouldn’t have a high voice when he sang, etc.
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
Academically there was no issue and sports were no problem but inside there was always a feeling of inadequacy about my abilities across the board. So I was my own worst enemy when it came to feeling I was able to do things as well as others.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
None.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I think my acknowledgement that I might be gay made me very fearful of how my life might turn out, in part because I was raised as a Roman Catholic, and was constantly taught that homosexuality was a terrible sin. On the other hand, my mother and other relatives always encouraged my intellectual and artistic pursuits, so I did have regular, positive reinforcement that I could achieve things in my life.
George, 51, New York
I tried not to let it affect my goals originally, but because I was involved in the arts, and it didn’t seem to make a difference, except for the fact that many people thought that because of my relationship to the arts, I was more available than I was. I soon learned to embrace who I was and integrate my gayness into the rest of my world.
Mark, 46, Harlem
As a kid my dream was to play centerfield for the Chicago Cubs. I stopped believing in myself after I failed to make my high school varsity baseball team as a freshman. The awareness of my sexual orientation was not a factor at age 14. A decade later, I became interested in acting and modeling, yet I never felt my sexuality would hinder my progress, even though I lied by omission about the true nature of my feelings for men, particularly since my (first) partner and I both lived and worked together. I do remember feeling I’d lose someone and/or something if somebody knew the truth about my orientation. I didn’t trust my truth, so self-deception and rationalization became my internal allies.
David, 46, Harlem
Since an early age, I’ve learned that I had to mind my manners, mind my behavior and actions thus it wouldn’t bring additional attention to my also being gay. Therefore, I lived a very shy and reclusive life until I turned eighteen. I held my goals and dreams at bay, for what I wanted to do since an early age, also had a stigma attached to it, for example: play the piano, dance and write . . .Yet, no one told me about the legacy of Duke Ellington, Stevie Wonder or even Billy Strayhorn, James Baldwin, Alvin Ailey and so many others. I was associated with wanting to be white, wanting to talk white . . . the usually internal Black, crab in the barrel mentality. It wasn’t until Michael Jackson and Wesley Snipes danced through New York City subway stations for the “Bad” video, that black boys started thinking it was cool to dance.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
I tried to make sure I could either accomplish my goals and dreams first and all else was secondary.
Cordell, 41, Albany
While in college, during my junior year, I felt called to the ministry. However, knowing that I was a homosexual and not wanting to “ruin” other people’s lives (i.e. a wife and children), I felt that I couldn’t realistically follow that calling. Later on in life, I wanted to become a father. I wanted my own biologically created children and for years, felt that that would never happen because of my sexuality and unattraction to women at that level.
James, 43, Oakland
I was/am a geek so I was pretty driven in my youth and very competitive. Being gay and the world knowing it was important to me when I first started working at 18. I am not sure if it was the crowd I ran with at the time or the desire to be loved but I was much more open about it then than I am now. I am certain it had some impact on my career.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
Oh my! My awareness of my sexual orientation certainly affected the route to my desired goal. Someway, somehow I knew I had to push harder and do more than my heterosexual counterparts. I don’t remember this being a conscious thought. I just knew I wanted to be more than they could ever be and that meant committing myself to my desired goal. Being called “faggot” and “sissy” and any other name they could conjure up was the fuel I needed to eventually over shadow them. I remember being in the High School chorus and being offered a chance for a solo. Well, I auditioned and got the solo. I remember wanting that solo sooooo bad because turning it out meant gaining a whole new respect from my schoolmates who had made my high school experience difficult. On the night of the performance (and the next afternoon) I had a sore throat and couldn’t hit the high notes. But for the performance I truly turned it out. I hit every note. I’m not sure where the voice came from, but it came. Keep in mind this was the spring concert, very close to the end of the school year. For the rest of the school year people would stop me in the halls and congratulate me on a job well done. I had finally earned their respect and suddenly my “gay-ness” was not the first thing they saw when they looked at me. I don’t remember ever being as proud of myself. I proved to myself (mostly) that I could be more than a “faggot” or a “sissy”. I proved that I could do and be anything I wanted.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
I think it may have made me more reticent, less willing to put myself out there, out of fear that someone might learn that I was gay. I was in the military (US Coast Guard) and part of the reason I decided not to go to Officer Candidate School was because I didn't want to spend a lot of time hiding/closeted. I had other reasons for that as well, but that was a major one.
Tomorrow, Part 2: Seeking Community
Coming Attractions
Beginning this Sunday, March 25, I’m going to do something different on Bejata.com. I have planned a multipart series to explore what life is like for Black gay men in middle age.
Middle age, defined as that period from one’s mid-30’s to early 50’s, is typically a period of significant personal change and development for all people, regardless of sexual orientation. However, in the gay community and among Black gay men in particular, where so much of cultural life is focused on the interests of those in their 20’s, this period is often one of profound introspection and re-examination of one’s values, needs and goals.
In my series, you will read comments from twelve diverse people, from different parts of the country and world, who are all Black same-gender-loving men between the ages of 37 and 52. They have responded to a questionnaire I created asking them about their lives in the past, the present and how they envision their future. I think you’ll find their responses to be illuminating, enlightening and perhaps even refreshing considering the scant few opportunities we generally get to hear from this age group.
As always, I hope you will find this blog topic interesting and that you will provide your feedback and comments.