Failed Relationships
Have you ever had someone show an interest in you that made you take notice of them even when you had no prior interest? An old fashioned courtship of sorts, where they took time to get to know you and acted like they wanted you and only you. Who doesn’t want to be wanted? All that attention can be flattering to the point where you forget your own needs and just get drawn in.
So you commit and start a relationship with the hope that it will go somewhere. But then, reality creeps in and right off the bat you sense something is wrong. This is not quite the pretty picture you were expecting. The gut never lies and there’s an uneasy feeling settling there that tells you this may all be a big mistake.
What do you do? Do you stick it out and hope things will change, or do you follow your instincts and cut your losses before things become worse. I chose the latter.
That new job I announced in this space just a week ago is no more. I lasted five days, Monday through Friday. Shortest stint in my entire working life. Barely a ripple on the résumé.
They wanted me and made that clear early on. I was flattered and sorely in need of a job when they first started talking to me. Perhaps I was too vulnerable, never a good thing when trying to start a relationship. I was also a bit conflicted, because I had also interviewed for another job in an entirely different field for which I won’t know the outcome for another few weeks. Did I want to wait and have no offers on the table or take this one and see how it works out? I gave in.
The position was in a field related to the one I was in for the past five years, so I kind of knew the landscape already. But this particular place had an entirely different operating style from the last one, where I’d grown very comfortable and always felt supported. For one there were fewer resources. Far fewer resources. Like a private office space. A desk by the office door in a common area with two other people, and where those in the three inside offices are also doubled up, means there is no privacy for anyone. Forget about personal matters, even work-related phone calls become everyone’s business or conversations in hushed tones.
Then as I got about the tasks I was assigned it became clear to me I had done this all before. Talking with clients about matters I had dealt with in the previous job gave me a sense of déjà vu. Nonprofit social service work is all about trying to save the world and I hadn’t accomplished that on my last job. Without the equipment to even put up a good fight, what made me think I’d get any closer on this one? Beyond a paycheck—doled out once a month, mind you—what was the upside? Suddenly that part-time work I do in the evenings seemed infinitely more pleasurable.
My schedule will now fill up with additional hours on the part-time gig while I await word on the other position that I really want. It has the potential to put me in a position to live in the style to which I’ve grown accustomed, in my mind anyway, offering me work more in keeping with my skills and abilities and affording me a retirement plan that won’t leave me a broken down senior citizen. Such are the priorities of a middle aged man.