A Conversation With My Younger Brothers
Black Gay Men at Midlife – Part 12, the conclusion
With this 12th segment, we conclude our series exploring the lives of Black gay men in middle age.
If there has been one obvious point made among the many expressed by our group, it is that no one wants to be put into a little box, forced to live according to some narrow set of parameters that dictate how we behave. As these men have passed through or imagined themselves in their youth, at middle age and as seniors, they envisioned full and productive lives. Whether that was or will be realized or not, they felt, depended entirely on the choices they made. At all points along their journey, they either were or saw themselves being involved in the larger community, gay and straight, contributing their talents and knowledge.
To end, they wrap up discussion of their expectations for old age, then pass along advice for the generations behind them. Perhaps in 20 years, another group of middle aged men will have entirely different experiences as a result.
What do you see as some of the best and worst aspects of being a gay senior citizen?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
Being alone and with no one to relate to and/or falling into the care of some homophobic Christian who would mistreat you either in your family or in a home if you’re faced with going to one.
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
Loneliness, Elder abuse/crime, housing issues, discrimination, invisibility. Best- knowledge, money, choices.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
About the same as being a senior citizen who is not gay, and neither good nor bad (at this point at least): having comfortable savings and lifestyle and concerns with health issues.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I think it is still very tough for older LGBT people, who can be isolated, who face hostility from medical and social providers, and from other related industries. I think it's also harder for LGBT people of color, especially Black LGBT people. But I hope this changes, and if I can do anything to ensure that, I will.
George, 51, New York
The worst aspects of being an older gay person would be to be alone and forgotten. To be in poor health and have no one who is close to you to help and visit. To be cast aside by family and friends if you don’t have children to care for you. That would be terrible. The best aspects would be having a larger sense of self. The freedoms to say and do whatever you like and not care about the consequences. To be sought after for your opinions and beliefs, to be revered and admired because you lived through the holocaust of AIDS and still able to have compassion and love in your life, that would be wonderful. To honor and support those coming up and know that your work and contributions have helped them in some way, would help the aging process. It would be amazing to be respected for who you and what you have done. I believe we are “our own best thing” and we need to lift each other up, since we stand on the shoulders of those who have gone before us.
Mark, 46, Harlem
I’ll answer that question when I become a senior citizen.
David, 46, Harlem
I’m thinking about affordable housing, medical coverage and family when I think of becoming a gay senior. I’m a firm believer in living the golden rule; therefore, most of the elders in my family lived beyond the age of 80s, so I will be the gay uncle that the grand-children, grand-nieces and their friends would flock around, for I will, like the young folks say today, WILL KEEP IT REAL!
Robert, 40, San Francisco
I think at least I had a chance to live my life as I saw it in my younger years.
Cordell, 41, Albany
Becoming infirmed and having no one to depend upon to care for you is one negative aspect. Having friends to die around you and thus having fewer of them is another. A more positive aspect is being able to rebound easier to break-ups and being more flexible and somewhat more tolerant of people and myself than what I was when I was younger. Also, being able to say “I know how you feel” and really meaning it because you actually did experience it-and survived it, so that you can share your survival skills regarding that particular situation. Another aspect is being okay with who you are and not really caring about how others feel about what you do or who you are as an older gay man.
James, 43, Oakland
Hopefully, working in the field that I choose and having the freedom to get up in the morning when I want. Being able to travel and stay as long as I like. I guess I better be rich or I will be in trouble. Whether single or alone, I just want to have a good life. I want to grow old gracefully and still have fun. Hopefully, my challenges will be manageable.
I want to continue to live in the present. I think one of the worst things you can do as you get older is to become bitter and regretful about the things you have not done with your life. As long as I keep getting up, I have a new day to live out my dreams.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
Everything I’ve written and answered above.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Best: Providing that 'resource' to the community.
Worse: Increased isolation.
What advice would you give a Black gay man now in his 20's about how to prepare for midlife? (Perhaps it's advice you wish someone had given you.)
Conrad, 43, Memphis
Build a life for yourself of intimacy with good friends and relations, people you'd want to grow old with and hold on to them. Don't get caught up in being gay and having sex; they're dead ends in and of themselves. Live your life with expectations. Too often I've heard in my own life, "don't have any expectations." But I think that's a lie. The world we live in at present came into being because too many people have lived lives with no expectations. They were willing to just go along to get along. And we're all suffering for that surrender and for continuing such a cowardly tradition amongst humankind. Live with expectations. Yes, sometimes you will get wounded, hurt or disappointed. But these are only some aspects of life, not the whole of life. Have faith in something larger than yourself. Expect hope; you just might get it or create it. Expect to love and be loved. And if you can't find any of these, raise your voice in and off the streets until it comes to you, following your raised call like a bloodhound hot on a trail. And if you fail? At least you failed trying and that's no surrender. It creates a better possibility of chances for the next generation. Your life is never just about you and you alone!
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I would say be educated, save money and think about home ownership and relationship/ family. The clubs...being fabulous does not last forever.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
1. Save money: always pay yourself first. And don't touch it.
2. Get a good health insurance plan to cover medical expenses.
3. There is no need to rush everything all at once. You have time to accomplish your goals; there is no need to try to do every single thing at once.
4. Love comes on its own timetable, not yours. Don't think every man that looks good to you is good for you. Likewise, don't assume that just because you haven't found "the one" yet means you never will. Relax.
5. Be comfortable with yourself, but never complacent. Strive to better yourself intellectually, mentally, spiritually, and physically. And realize anyone who tells you "you are perfect just the way you are" is lying. All that means is that if you are a young fool now, you'll be an old fool later.
6. Travel as much as possible.
7. You care more about what other people think of you than they actually spend any time thinking about you. Does that make sense?
8. As you get older, don't try to hang on acting like you were when you were 18, 20 or 25. It's healthy to maintain a young and youthful outlook, but chances are that you did some stupid things at 21. Don't think that will be cute or excusable at 41.
9. Don't become "old" and "set in your ways" just because you get older. Just because you turn 35 doesn't mean you suddenly have to "discover" jazz. Just because you turn 40 doesn't mean you have to start watching art house films. Discovery should happen as a byproduct of your own curiosity, not according to your age.
10. As you get older, embrace it instead of cursing it. Too many people didn't make it this far for you to be bitching and moaning about a few gray hairs and the phantom "good old days." Either live or die, but as long as you are here you might as well live your best life to the fullest degree possible.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
Begin thinking about your 40s, 50s and beyond. Where do you want to be then? Enjoy your 20s, but also think about your future. Consider what steps will prepare you for possible challenges and life changes down the road. What will you have after your physical youth and beauty disappears? What do you want to have, and who might you want to be?
George, 51, New York
I would tell younger BGM that they should try not to ever do anything that they may regret. That would mean how you dressed, who you dated, had sex with, or spoke harshly to, because much of those things will come back on you and people will remind you of those instances over and over again. If these things do happen, and they will happen, forgive yourself, try to remember the circumstances that made you do that thing (we were caught up, I was horny, it was in fashion, I was hurt...whatever) that you wish you hadn't. And remember, most of those things will be excused as youthful exuberance and move and try to learn from it and become a better person because of it.
Mark, 46, Harlem
1) be honest with yourself about how you feel emotionally.
2) join a community-based organization which affirms your sexuality.
3) let people with diverse life experiences help you with your problems.
David, 46, Harlem
Wow! That's a big order, for I'm coming from a totally different era then that of the pre-Stonewall or the 70s free love era . . . I came out and was sexuality active at the peak of the AIDS epidemic 1979 to now.
But if I had to share advice the first thing I would do would tell someone to find someone you trust and share your feelings. The first person I would tell them to look at is there mother. The women in my life have always been my safety net. The men came around much later in my life, when actually I had no use for their support. I needed them in my developmental years.
After that, I would tell them to finish school, and even think about advanced education, for once you have that you can combat homophobia and racism with a better foundation.
Secondly, I would tell them to set priorities:
1. Protect yourself physically, mentality, spiritually.
2. Start saving more, and spending less.
3. Learn quickly the difference between sex and love.
4. Cherish your friendships, and learn quickly too that people come into your life for a season. And, although I have some long term friends, it's the short friendships that also taught a few life lessons.
5. Last, but far from least, I would tell them to read . . . read everything by James Baldwin, for he has set a blueprint for Black, gay men to use as a tool for their own journey. I didn't read Mr. Baldwin until I was twenty-one, for if I had read him before
the age of 21, I would have saved myself a lot of emotional scares.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
(no response)
Cordell, 41, Albany
Advice that I would give younger gay men is to make sure that they are happy with what they decide to pursue in life-regardless of what it is. And would counsel them to get an education, keep a job, open a bank account, keep their credit reports clean, don't rush to become older, enjoy life as it comes, have lots of "safer" sex (for there will be periods of time when the opportunity and the desire will wane). Seek happiness, treasure their parents while they are still alive, Seek and develop meaningful relationships with people who are different from them, save some and spend some [money]. Take care of their health, go to a doctor if you are ill, get yearly checkups, floss, always wear clean underwear (you never know who will see them), and don’t give up their goals, no matter what anyone tells you.
James, 43, Oakland
The best advice I got when I was in my 20’s was don’t be afraid to travel a different path in life for the blessings will come. I will add to that everyone will not be your friend. Just as everyone will not like you, you do not have to like everyone. Be careful with whom you share your time and talent. Life is precious and the years move so fast. Don’t be afraid to love with all your heart. Our biggest challenge at any age is allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. Finally, DREAM BIG!!!
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I would tell the young man that it is important to set his goals and prioritize. Growing older was not even a reality for me when I was in my 20’s. I was fortunate enough to have a mother that stressed education and I knew that I needed to “do” right in order to “get” right. I wonder what life would have been like with a black gay man sharing similar advice, from a gay perspective? And even if I didn’t listen at the time, I’m sure his words would have stuck with me. I want my words to stick with young people today. I want them to understand their worth as children of the Most High. I would advise them to paint a picture of what they want their life to be and then put that picture where they could easily get to it (in their head, on a canvas, in a notebook…wherever). And then in tough times, I would advise them to pull out that picture and realize that what they’re going though is all a part of a journey to get them to that destination.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Don't believe the bullshit that your life is over at 30 (or 40, or 50, or....). You're life isn't 'over' till you're dead (and even then some people and their reputations have an interesting afterlife). At least think about planning for something more than just tomorrow or the next party -- as well as, perhaps, your Golden Years (lord how I wished I'd saved those 6 months of military pay while we were underway in S America!).
I'd also say "Don't get old" You will get older, your age will increase, but don't grow into a stick in the mud/old fogey.
Posted by bernie at April 5, 2007 12:00 AMThanks so much for this great series, Bernard.
Posted by: Andres Duque at April 7, 2007 12:59 PM