The Second Act
Black Gay Men at Midlife – Part 5 of a series
Just like a good movie, our lives have a beginning, middle and end. As the star in our own life story we are taken through new and varied experiences, so much so that as we progress through each phase, one may seem to bear only slight resemblance to the next.
Middle age may be the best time of our lives. It’s where “book learning” and common sense fit together neatly. Knowing what we know now, we can look back with amusement, and amazement, at the things we did in our younger years, but with an awareness that having survived it all, we are ready to move forward capable of making different, hopefully better choices.
In Part 5, our group tells us more about their lives, getting a reality check on where they thought they would be at this point and reassessing the value of their relationships today.
How has the vision you had for your life beyond age 30 matched your reality?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
Pretty much, not at all. I think I was much more idealistic before 30 even though I recognized some serious challenges to being a black sgl (same gender loving) man. At this point in my life and I’ll be 43 on March 9th, I’m not the most optimistic man right now for various reasons. Not just because I’m sgl, but because of the road I see the world at large on. It’s all an impact beyond issues around sexuality and loneliness which is a serious lens through which I must view my life. Right now I don’t have much of a vision about how my life should or could be. Right now, I think I might be having pristine visions of a community I’d like to see exist, but the present space is kicking my ass. And I don’t know if that vision I sometimes see in my mind’s eye is a barrier of fear against the reality I’m facing now or what?
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
So far so good education, income, and class are almost where I envisioned. I consider that I have created a middle class existence and struggle like most working single professionals here in NYC.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
N/A (He did not envision life beyond 30.)
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
At first I wasn't sure that I would make it to 30 because of HIV/AIDS, but since I passed that moment, things have matched up quite well. I have a long-term relationship that is approaching 20 years. We own a beautiful home together, we can afford to travel, and we are still very much in love. I have a good relationship with my surviving parent, I have published two books, have won awards for my writing, and have advanced in my career, achieving tenure at the age of 40. Many other things I dreamed of doing have also come to pass, and I hope to be able to achieve them.
George, 51, New York
Not at all how I imagined. First off, I didn’t expect to still be alive and after I realized that I’m still here and have something to contribute to society, I should try to make the most out of my life. My early 40’s were very successful both romantically and professionally but the last few years have been difficult, losing friends and family members due to age and the stressors of getting older. I had the luxury/curse of being openly and publicly gay and that can have its perks and challenges. People often think they know you from your job or positions and don’t take the time to know the person and not the image.
Mark, 46, Harlem
I had no vision of my life beyond age 30.
David, 46, Harlem
I didn’t have a vision for my own life beyond the age of 30, for when I had turned 21 in 1981, I had started burying my lovers, friends and family members. I thought I would be among that number. But now 26 years later, I’m still here. My reality didn’t start to take shape until I turned 31 or 32, that I started to think that I might be around for a while, and that I should stop drinking, take care of myself and those individuals who have been there for me in the good and bad times. I also learned to forgive my father for leaving me at the age of 13. I also learned to trust the fact that I too am a child of God, and that prayer and faith is all I needed to get me through anything.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
I didn’t envision life past thirty years old. I also didn't envision attending school past high school. So it has been open to possibility.
Cordell, 41, Albany
Unfortunately, I never really had a clear picture of what my life was going to become. I just took it as it came. But, I figured that I would be in a long lasting relationship that would have lasted. The reality is that that has not happened yet. I was a little more optimistic in my 30’s because I still felt that I was young enough to be so, yet old enough to know better if it didn’t happen. Now, I know better and am just older. I always was “rushing” to become an adult, because I had an unhappy childhood. Now, I wonder why I was in such a rush.
James, 43, Oakland
My vision was still living in Chicago, having a house, a partner, singing in the sanctuary choir, and maybe being a deacon.
My reality is living in Oakland, California far away from my family, having a really good job but cannot afford a house, losing my father way too soon, stopped attending church regularly because I needed a break and realized I did not really want to be a deacon or trustee, and being single. My reality is also greater than I ever imagined and growing more every day. I am a writer, singer, blogger, interviewer, great uncle, jazzhead, photographer, and a damn good baker. Moving to California has allowed me to grow in ways that I would not have if I had stayed in Chicago.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
Well, I’m still not in a relationship. Finding a relationship has been more than an arduous task for me. However, I have exceeded my vision of life beyond age 30. I never imagined that I’d have a Master’s degree, my own home, a wonderful and nurturing relationship with God. Before age 30 I was afraid of God.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
I was very happy to make it to 30, and 40! Oh baby, so much bullshit just fell away once I hit the big 4-0. I think I thought I'd be a lot more decrepit than I am by now! :-)
I love being older. I love being mature, and yet still having a quality of youth/silliness inside me.
Talk about the quantity and quality of your platonic and sexual relationships now. How has that changed, if at all?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
The quantity probably hasn’t changed much. The quality probably hasn’t changed a great deal, but it certainly hasn’t improved. I think it might have gone backwards. I’m older and yearning more for intimacy now than a fuck. I’m longing for a family, kids included, my own home, my own garden out back, cooking dinners for my family and writing short stories and novels. I’m less interested if not sometimes really disgusted by ripped bodies, young guys who don’t know their head from their ass and just dumb shit. I want to be able to have folks over for cheesecake and coffee and everybody is cool, calm and open to be whoever they are without a lot of drama. I’m probably more dependent upon the old friendships I’ve been able to maintain and shocked at some that have gone by the wayside that I thought would be a lifetime. Now I find that new people who I meet are being closely scrutinized by me for drama and any other garbage they might bring through the door. I’m extremely picky now about whom I let into my life. Older seems to be less for me these days and to some degree a little frightening.
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I have a lot of sex, good dating but I am guarded about my private time.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
They have only changed because I have changed. I more aggressively seek female friends than I did in the past; I am less socially inclined (I rarely go out to clubs and don’t attend many functions), I’m more withdrawn from a Black/gay community involvement standpoint (due to both boredom and disillusionment). As a result, I have very few close friends, but they are very close. I have also become something of a mentor to several young gay men (the whole “gay father” thing) with an emphasis on being a gay surrogate parental figure.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
In terms of my platonic relationships, they have changed, in part because many friends I had when I was in my 20s are at different places in their lives, are deceased, and so on that, so the nature of my friendships have changed. My closest friend (other than my partner) has suffered serious mental problems for the last six years, so that has ended one of the most meaningful platonic relationships I've had. On other hand, other platonic relationships have developed and grown, so I do have a circle of friends, but it's different to some degree from the one I had when I was in my 20s and even 30s. In terms of sexual relationships, I have a long-term partner.
George, 51, New York
I feel that I want more from my platonic and sexual relationships. The Internet and phone lines have made sex more available than ever but I want more than just a quick romp in the bed. I want people who can satisfy and stimulate me both in and out of the bed so relationships have been more difficult. I know a lot of people but have fewer close friends. Folks don’t seem to make time for one another and the ones that do, I tend to want to keep them close as often as possible, but I understand that they have their lives too. I find myself also mentoring to younger gay men and talking about life and relationships, beyond sex. It’s also flattering when the twenty-something’s flirt with me and find me attractive.
Mark, 46, Harlem
Through grace, I accept, love and respect myself today. As a result, I have caring friends from all over the world. I’ve become an introspective homebody, yet I enjoy being with friends who share similar interests. My deepest fear is intimacy, which affects my sexual relationships with men. I’m better at communicating my feelings, getting my needs met and setting appropriate boundaries. Sometimes I fall short, make mistakes and/or wander off course. I watch too much porno, which hinders the quality of my sex life. In fact, I beat my dick like it owes me money (smile). My life is an open book. I have no secrets.
David, 46, Harlem
Oh, between the ages of 21 and 30, my friendships, both platonic and sexual were emotionally, spiritually, physical draining. I didn’t wish to reach out for fear that those who knew me would fear losing me to AIDS. Or vice-a-verse I would lose them, for now we all realized that AIDS did not discriminate.
So I partied hard, drank hard and loved less, including myself, I was on a self-destructive train path, and dancing as fast as I could to just end the madness of having witnessed so much loss, from 1980 to 2007 . . . today I have lost over 300 family, friends and lovers to the AIDS epidemic.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
The quality and quantity of relationships has lessened as I have advanced in age. It is good and bad. I don't have time for the meaningless relationships as I had when I was younger.
Cordell, 41, Albany
I still prefer having one or two people who I consider friends, then to be in crowds. However, as I become older, I am unwilling to accept some of the stuff that people try to dish out to you. I had a very close friend who I am no longer involved with because I felt that he didn’t have any respect for me and my opinions and tried continuously to usurp his opinions upon me. I am more willing to let go of people who I feel do not have my best interest at heart more so than what I was when I was younger. Many of the friends that I do have, have been a part of my life for significant periods of time, and so I am not in a rush to make new friends as much or to allow those opportunities to develop. This is probably more of a setback than anything else. I think that you have to put in a lot of work and time to nurture and to develop friends and sometimes, I just do not think that I have the energy to do so. In terms of my sexual relationships, I am more willing to be attracted to different types of guys and not try to stick to my “type” of men--meaning, I have become involved with younger men, men who I might not have given the time of day to when younger. What has changed is that it’s harder to find “available” men for more meaningful relationships.
James, 43, Oakland
My circle of close friends is small and I truly treasure them now. We keep each other grounded and loved. We laugh a lot about the craziness of life, gay and otherwise.
Even as a big man, I still get my share of sex. Of course, I am a little too old for the parks now so online dating has become my park, per se. I have had a couple of relationships in about the last ten years. Unlike, living in Chicago, I am not so hell-bent on my partner being black and have enjoyed men of other cultures. I actually enjoy the diversity.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I had to learn that quantity in my sexual flows was not healthy for my heart, mind or spirit. I have a friend the same age as I, and he continues to do the same things at 43 that he did at 23. He goes out all the time, picks up a new guy each time and brings them back home with him. I’m not judging him, because that works for him. I’m just thinking about how some of the behaviors that I exhibited at 22 are no longer acceptable at 42. At what point do we demand more of life, of ourselves, or our loved ones? My platonic relationships are stronger than ever now because I’ve learned to pick and choose my battles. Fighting every issue and idiosyncrasy is far too exhausting.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
I have more friends now, and I think our relationships are deeper and richer. More fulfilling. I get more out of/from my friends now (soul nourishment).
Sex? I'm married. What's sex? :-)
I'm not out burning it up like I used to, but on the other hand sex also is richer, more intense. I think I know more and can please and be pleased in ways I wouldn't have thought of when I was younger.
Tomorrow, Part 6: Finding Love As An Older Man
Posted by bernie at March 29, 2007 12:00 AMThe many responses of not envisioning life beyond 30 in this section really hit home for me.
Not just as a man who loves men, but as a black man, period, it was difficult to imagine life beyond 30.
But here I am.
I just buried my 87-year-old(!!!) father, and yet, I thought he would be burying me. One of best friend, also Black, who lives across the street, lost two of his sons before they were 45. One died in his sleep of a heart attack at 41, the other, who was 29, drowned in a freak accident trying to rescue a toy boat for his son.
I'm sure neither men would have imagined I'd be the son who outlived the others.
Yet here I am.
I'll be 40 in December and I have been tremendously blessed. I tend to live in the present anyway and not think or worry or imagine my future that much, but I am truly grateful for the life I've lived and the lives I've loved.
Sure, the 90s were terribly painful as friends fell like dominoes, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Here I am.
Wow. I really enjoy reading some of the comments from my fellow respondents.
Each one of you have given me food for thought or have me also saying "You Too!" It appears that some have fared through this journey called middle age better than others of us. I am seeing a trend of no-nosense attitudes and personalities that were forged from the fires of our youth. I also have picked up on that when many of us answered questions related to relationnships and intimacy, that a few of us are still struggling with that area or have not made a big deal or a place such a great emphasis on it. I defiinitely have become reticient about a lot of stuff, but not definitely not BITTER {THANK GOD) I think back on and miss a lot of the friends and lovers that I lost and realize that although the glass is now half full, sometimes the damn thing is just half empty too(SMILE).
Walking downstairs to the cafeteria in the same building on the same job, doing some of the same things that I have done some 15 years ago has left me feeling somewhat defeated. I remembered when I first began here walking. I never thought that I would still be here-in the same position, same office and all. Then I looked forward to challenges that work gave me-now they are just headaches.
I had a partner who also worked here in the same building (on the same floor). Now when I past certain places, I reminisce about him and either smile to myself or wince in pain at his departure.
YOu never think about having to start all over again. But my how time does actually heal all wounds. I spent a lot of my 30's shell shocked and not having time to face a lof of pain that I was feeling. But it did allow me to lose myself by becoming involved in LGBT organizations and other communities that I now don't have the time or interest in.
It's funny, every now and again, I run into some of those same people who were doing some of these same activities. They now have settled down and either started families or just fading into the woodwork(pretty much like myself).
And I wanna give a shout out to my homies Conrad and George!!!! (That's so [Boondocks] ghetto-but I luv it)
Posted by: Cordell at March 29, 2007 3:45 PMThis is a very enlightening series Bernie!
Posted by: CreoleInDC at March 29, 2007 10:49 PMBernie, this is one of the best series/blog entries I've read online. Thanks to all of you who gave your stories for Bernie to post. I see a book, documentary... perhaps this is what leaving your job was all about? Maybe just one of the things :-)
Posted by: AllenGallery at March 30, 2007 4:23 PM