The Search for Community
Black Gay Men at Midlife – Part 2 of a series
In the first part of our series, we met twelve middle aged Black gay men who shared stories about how they came to terms with their sexual identity and how that impacted the perception of their ability to pursue certain life goals. While their coming out process may not have been unlike that of other people before and since, put in the context of the time period when they came of age—the 1970’s and 80’s—their lives have been shaped by the conflicting influences of limited expectations and rapidly emerging change.
In Part 2, they discuss more of the experiences that helped to shape their early lives, talking now about their efforts to create social networks and the ways in which they sought out, defined and connected to community.
With whom did you most often socialize, where did you do it, and how did you define “community?’
Conrad, 43, Memphis
I often socialized with girls and women. They were safe to me as I had no real sense of how to interact with males. I saw them as a threat since I didn’t really identify with the precepts of masculinity. I didn’t belong and I wasn’t about to adventure over the fence to find out what it was to be a man by “their” standards. I don’t think I had a definition of community then. I was too busy just trying to be accepted and hoping I didn’t get rejected or embarrassed somehow because I was different. Where I associated with women was usually some private place, not public places.
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I was on a college campus so my socialization was among peers who were not gay but "different" I was one of the few out individuals.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
Not sure how many questions are wrapped up here. Is the definition of community past or present tense? Is there an assumption of having already “come out” versus socializing with out or non-out people? Or is this a general question?
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
Once I came out, increasingly with gay friends I'd made, as well as non-gay friends I'd had before I came out, or that I made during my college and post-college years.
George, 51, New York
At first I had only a few friends from the arts and the one person I was having sex with. Soon my sexual partner introduced me to other men and I began going to parties and meeting more people. Some of my friends took me to “Better Days” and my life changed so much because I meet so many new people from so many walks of life and really enjoyed the diversity of community. This was in the mid to late 70’s and life was very different and the club scene in NYC was amazing. I was meeting people all over the city but had my close friends for support and talks. The arts, theater, fashion and dance communities were my community.
Mark, 46, Harlem
I primarily socialized with gay-identified black men in bars, clubs, on beaches, around schools, or at parks. I defined community as a caring environment where folks ‘looked out’ for each other.
David, 46, Harlem
I didn’t socialize with anyone. I was the eldest man-child, so I took on the “responsibility” of caring for my younger siblings, while my mother worked (product of a single-parent household). I went to school, came home, and then read a lot. I had no sense of “community” until I followed two white, gay men off the “B” train one day from school at West 4th Street and landed on Christopher Street, and the rest is history. I was seventeen or eighteen years of age, and it was either 1977 or 1978. Prior to that, the “out gay men” were often drunks, flaming drag queens, and like John Amaechi’s latest book, Man in the Middle, thirty-years later, I too often felt as if I was in the middle of both worlds (gay and straight), and not from a sexual stand-point, but rather from a social and emotional stand-point. I’ve grown up around a lot of “straight” family and extended family members, so my perception of how the world operated was from their value system. Unfortunately, it has taken me over thirty-years to realize how wrong they all were in so many ways.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
I was curious about other young gay people therefore I searched my community for those individuals. There were none. The Gay University group at the student union saw fit to start one.
Cordell, 41, Albany
When I was in high school, my best friend Wanjiru, her friend Nicky (a flaming queen), Steven (who thought no one knew he was gay), and William (who used to organize fashion shows) were the kids I used to hang out with. Later on, while in college, I socialized with the gay professors and staff persons. I never did feel comfortable around straight men or women because I always felt different from them and that I didn’t share the same interests that straight men did (i.e. pussy) and although I was comfortable enough to spend time around women, I was always afraid of being “hit on” and them finding out my secret. So to avoid this, I either hung out with gay men and lesbian women or by myself.
James, 43, Oakland
I was about 15 years old when I strolled into one of the cruising parks on Chicago’s south side. Of course, at that age, everything was new and thrilling. This became a regular hangout for me. I made friends socially and sexually. I also started making friends in my neighborhood. Surprisingly, there were quite a few gay men in my neighborhood. They were all very nice people and looked out for me since I was young and a bit of a square.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
From what I can remember, through my high school years I hung out with my female friend and her brother. We didn’t do much because we (or I) didn’t know anything about the gay community in New York City in Greenwich Village at the time. We would speak on the telephone a lot and occasionally visit each other’s home and neighborhoods, but that was it. At that time, I knew nothing about a gay “community” and so defining it wasn’t even in my purview.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Had a few friends, but not very many, in high school. More in college, and even joined a fraternity, but still managed to be the loner at the party. I have more friends and am more open after coming out.
In what ways did you (or did you not), feel connected to a gay community of any kind?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
I didn’t feel connected to a gay community. I didn’t even know what that was as it implies some organized or central place. I think the closest thing I could associate where there was the presence of more than just one “sissy” was church and I wasn’t a big church going person.
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I felt disconnected in the beginning because I did not really know how to negotiate the community so at first there was no connection to the black gay community. So there was very little knowledge of how to make links.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
There was no gay community of any kind where I grew up.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I felt strongly connected to other LGBT people, especially Black gay people. I became involved with Black gay organizations in the various cities I lived in, and made many good friends through them. In terms of the wider American gay community and international gay communities, I also actively engaged with and established some connections, though I found that racism, classism, and other social and political issues tended to keep direct ties to the wider (predominantly white) gay community tenuous at times.
George, 51, New York
I was young and had acceptance from my family and close friends so I felt it was easy to be in the community and be openly gay. Not until I met people who had to sneak out and lie who they hung around with did I know how challenging and hard some folks had it.
Mark, 46, Harlem
I never felt connected to a gay community because I sensed hostility, jealousy and mistrust among many gay-identified men. I resented the expectations of being feminized. I longed for brotherhood, cultural affirmation and genuine intimacy. I was unaware of diverse ways of healthy expression and/or socialization.
David, 46, Harlem
I had grown-up with three drag queens as extended family members (in 1960’s), but they were over the top for my mind to completely understand, although now at my age, might have been “best of friends”. But at the age of 7, 8 or 9, I didn’t think they were respected, but rather put-up-with, and unfortunately the burden of that caused them to lose their lives to drugs, drinking and death at an early age. Just when I was reaching the age of 12, 13 or 14 they were gone. So I turned into a homebody to avoid the pit-falls that I witness them go through.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
I believe I was disconnected due to my social and financial status. I didn't let that stop me from trying to find that magical place called community.
Cordell, 41, Albany
I really was not even aware that there was a “gay community” until was in college for graduate school at Ohio State. There I participated in a gay men’s support group. But even then, I would not have called that a community. I wasn’t aware of such an existence until I came to Albany, New York in 1992.
James, 43, Oakland
I felt connected in the respect that we were young and gay but yet I felt disconnect in many ways because I did not drink, smoke weed, or turn tricks like some of my friends back then. I was definitely the odd man out but I wanted to fit in yet not willing to do those things.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I never thought about feeling connected to any gay community because I didn’t know that a community existed. I only felt connected to my friends, at that time.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Oddly, one of the reasons I told myself I WASN'T gay was that I was not like the long-haired, flowing-robe wearing male neighbor I had growing up. Gay = "Queen" and since I wasn’t, then I couldn't be gay. I feel/felt more connection with what might be termed “micro-communities”--black and gay; leather/SM folk; black gay leather SM folk :-)-- than with the larger and still overly white “gay community.” Having said that, I appreciate the space they have created in most cities, and enjoy going to the Gayborhood where ever I am, just to let that aspect of myself breathe a bit.
Tomorrow, Part 3: Friends and Lovers
Posted by bernie at March 26, 2007 12:00 AMI found this VERY interesting!
Nice to meet you. Shawn "introduced" us.
Smooches!
Posted by: CreoleInDC at March 26, 2007 12:19 AMThanks for stopping by. I've seen you often at our mutual friend's site.
Posted by: Bernie at March 26, 2007 8:43 AMI'm a first time visitor by way of Creole. I enjoyed your blog.
Posted by: Sissy at March 26, 2007 12:24 PMGee Whiz. I hope that my comments don't appear like I am editing myself! (chuckle). However, I beg to differ with myself [is that allowable?]
Now looking back,Wanjiru (I failed to mention that she came out as a lesbian after high school), Nikky, Steven and William WERE my "community" back then. We just didn't know it at the time.
Also, as a product of being reared in single female headed household, I was always at Aunt Mary's, Aunt Bernice, Grandma's and other of my mother's family and friends. Those males who I was around-including my father and uncles-made me nervous.I always felt like if I said and did little, they wouldn't notice my difference-other than the fact that I read a lot and kept to myself.
Posted by: Cordell at March 26, 2007 4:34 PMDear Bernie,
This is the first time that I have have visited your site, found the link on Keith Boykin site who I check out a least 4 times a week. But something said check this site out (Yours) & I'm glad I did . This is the first time I have read or heard the topic of Black Gay Men In Midlife; I said to myself, perfect timing, to have visited this brothers site !
I did notice that I did not see any of my brothers that where in their 60's posted, I'll be 62 this coming April. It seems to me, that in the gay community midlife seems to come a bit earlier than for other men; I have heard gay men in their late 20's lament that they where getting old by the standards of the gay community, I was shocked! So i guess it makes since for mid life to start in one 40's for most gay men with all the emphasis placed on youth in the culture we live in, & double that for the Gay world.
I never see any reference to (us) SGL Black Men over 50 mentioned at all. I assume the younger brothers just believe we are all dead; & we may well be, for most us that are still around are invisible.... to the larger community, so well stated in your article.
I have a few friend left who are boomers, turning 60 & older this year. I feel we have so much to share & give to the younger brothers & sisters, but it seems that we are just forgotten about, ignored, & just plain looked over. So I just had to write you & say a Big Thank You, for bring up this little discussed topic. I will surly visit your most excellent site from now on.
I do live in San Francisco. I remember when the city had a very vibrant intact Black Gay community that had it (Going On), in the day! But all of that is gone now, & most of the younger crowd like i have stated, don't have a clue as to what that community looked like in the 60's or 70's. What a shame! I would like to share my story with you, Spencer Cox, Bruce Kellerhouse, is their a way i can contact them?
It seems to me that the white Gay Community are more open to find out about their elders than sadly, I have to say than the Black SGL ( Gay) community is. My writing skill are not the best , but hope I have conveyed to you some of my thoughts around Black Gay Men & Aging.
This a great series Bernie. Man, imagine if you turned this into a documentary. I am sure that thought has already crossed your mind.
Posted by: Shawn at March 26, 2007 11:27 PMI'm loving this! THANK YOU!
Posted by: ms world at March 26, 2007 11:28 PM