The End of Our Youth
Black Gay Men at Midlife – Part 4 of a series
For the generation now in or approaching middle age, the single greatest unifying experience was the arrival of HIV and AIDS. More than 20 years ago, when this population was in the flower of their youth as older teens and young 20-somethings, a strange, new and deadly illness first appeared across the country and around the world. It appeared slowly at first, claiming its victims one by one with a sickness that had no name, no readily identified means of transmission and no cure or treatment options. It would erupt like a raging forest fire, by decade’s end claiming the lives of record numbers of people from all walks of life but most noticeably among gay men. For this generation, it would rob them of their friends, lovers, family members, neighbors, leaders and icons.
In those days, there were no antiretroviral medications to slow the progress of the disease. If someone became infected, their decline could be quite rapid and life expectancy was measured in weeks or months, not years as is the case now. The stigma attached to the illness was oppressive. People who became infected often lost their jobs and homes and were ostracized by family, many living their final days in poverty or dying alone. Add to this the realities of life during the Reagan 80’s. When people were looking for government leadership to get a handle on this growing epidemic, President Ronald Reagan never once uttered the word “AIDS” during his entire eight-year administration.
Regardless of the times and conditions, many young people live in the here and now, never thinking about tomorrow beyond the next pleasurable sensation. One’s 20’s should be a period of optimism and hope, but for our group of middle aged men, reality crept in, and guidance in navigating it all was at a premium, as they explain in Part 4 of our series.
How did you envision your life beyond the age of 30? Did you have any regular interaction with gay people who were older than you?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
I really didn’t envision a life beyond 30. I just didn’t have that mindset. I was too busy dealing with the age where I was and family and personal issues. As far as regular interaction with older gay people, I had some, but I found it discouraging and depressing. Most of them were either drinking way too much, their conversation was more often than not about trade or their “piece” and the ensuing gossip about who took whose man, and older men breaking younger one’s in, practically pimping them instead of giving them something positive to hope for. Looking back a lot of them had nothing much to hope for. They were lonely and isolated and didn’t like themselves at all, let alone love themselves. I remember thinking that if I’m 50 or 60 and my only option is the life they were living or cruising, then I hope I’m dead and gone.
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I felt that I would be educated and working (I am). I was always concerned about the relations I would have with older gay men. It always felt loaded with power dynamics and now I am one of those men and it seems that the pendulum of aging has shifted and 40 is the new 30.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
Did not envision life beyond 30. From the age of 16, I had regular interactions (friendship only) with many gay men who were older (26 – 40+) than I was.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
When I was in my 20s, I had a number of gay friends who were much older than me; one of my first boyfriends was 40 or 41, which seemed so old back then, but I found that we connected on many levels. I had friends who were in their mid-to-late 30s, including some gay men who were active in the 1970s gay liberation era, and have always cultivated friends who were many years older. A number of these men died of HIV/AIDS. I treasure, however, the friendship and connections I had with them.
George, 51, New York
By the time I was thirty, I had been working in the HIV field for a few years and lost several friends and past lovers. I thought that it was only a matter of time until I became infected and did not expect to be around much past the age of 40. The man who brought me out and I have remained (and are still) friends for years and I knew a few other gay men who were older than myself, and we often would talk and tried to stay connected.
Mark, 46, Harlem
As a young adult, I thought (read: assumed) folks over 30 were boring, jaded and old. I had no vision. In addition to my alcohol and marijuana use, I lived for the cutest outfit, hottest guy and/or next party. I had no interest in ‘older’ men, whether sexual, social or spiritual.
David, 46, Harlem
My initial attraction when I “came out” in the late 70s was to older men. One of the simple facts of the matter was that I had a long commute into the city for work, school and entertainment, that they were the only ones, at that time, with their own places. And, the majority of them saw something in me that I didn’t see in myself, and therefore were more of a mentor to me, rather than sexual partners. As of the men in my age group, I was once again the caretaker, for most of my teenage gay friends didn’t come from stable homes (not that mine was any better), but I did have a mother and sister that loved me, especially when I learned to love myself and be true to what I am. So I would bring home all of my “street-kid” friends and create an extended family for them. Most of my friends were cross-dressers, street hustlers and in need of love. What they got from my family was shelter, a warm bed, meals and lots of music and laughter. This environment was created once I become more sure of myself and “came out”. I was accepted by my family. So I had more of an advantage than my peers.
I didn’t think I would live beyond the age of 21 for the simple fact of the black on black crime rates of the 70s, or even my own thoughts of suicide, and the fact that my father died from alcoholism at the age of 29, that I thought I would have died from an early death.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
I thought of myself as professional and generally I had interaction with gay people my age.
Cordell, 41, Albany
I never really thought much beyond the next day when I was younger. However, I always had an attraction to older men, so I stayed in communication with many.
James, 43, Oakland
I believed that I would fall in love and be in a relationship that would last for many years. I did have much interaction with older gay men. I had great mentors and they definitely helped me along the way.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I don’t remember having regular interactions with gay people… that is, until about 22 years old. By that point I wanted everything (and everyone) I saw. I guess on some level I did envision my life beyond 30. Again, I’m not sure if this was a conscious thought or an inherent, instinctual feeling. I just knew that I loved whatever was developing “in” and “around” me and I wanted it to last forever. So “yes” I must have envisioned myself with a partner beyond 30. I’m more than sure, however, that I didn’t think about it beyond that point or what life with a partner might have looked like.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
There was a period in my life (during 20's) when I didn't think I'd make it to 30. HIV, mental illness...a lot of different things impinged on me that made me think I wouldn't be around at that age. I really had no conception of what the future might be like (in this part I don't think I was that much different from most young people).
My first partner was older -- in his 40s' -- so yeah, I had interaction with him and his friends. I've always been around 'older' gay people.
What were some of the best and worst aspects of being young and gay?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
Not having any sense of where I belonged or of being loved for me.
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
Physically I was "fabulous" like a young sculpture and a lot of the attention I got came about because of my physical appearance to a great extent, and continues today. I was able to be out at all hours and not stress time and energy.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
BEST: Not having been indoctrinated into any form of gay/queer thought, lifestyle, clique or niche, I was able to observe various gay men and form my own opinions. That also allowed me to be able to go fearlessly into venues (clubs, neighborhoods, gay social circles) that other younger and older Black gay men did not frequent.
WORST: If there was any one single thing, it was the infuriating lack of respect from some – not all – older gay men.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I can't think of any bad aspects of being young and gay except that I was not as self-confident as I am now, the environments in which I lived were much more homophobic, and the threat of death from HIV/AIDS was much more prevalent. It was a wonderful time in so many ways, though.
George, 51, New York
The best aspects of being young and gay were the freedom, the clubs, the meeting of new people and being sought after by others. The worst aspects were being misunderstood and not taken seriously due to age, career or “station in life”. People would act as if you were incapable of participating in serious subjects because you are gay and young.
Mark, 46, Harlem
I hated being gay. I thought the ‘gay lifestyle’ was shallow and superficial. I felt like it was an adventure, more of an escape, yet I felt neither comfortable in my skin, nor safe in my own neighborhood. I wanted to be respected as a man and being gay was in the way. I felt trapped by my desires. I thought my youth made me invincible. I rarely considered the consequences of my behavior, planned for the future or saved money. My attitude of indifference and general negative outlook on life fueled my decision-making.
David, 46, Harlem
The best times for me were meeting a mentor, friend and later my pastor, Rev. Mann who told me at the age of 18 to be myself. Since then I fell out of the closet with such force that I could have caused a small earthquake. But seriously, it was his word that gave me strength to shed the years of “keeping quiet”. Since the age of six I’ve known that I was gay, but it wasn’t until I was eighteen that I took a stand.
The worst times were going through elementary, junior high school and high school feeling “unprotected” and not excelling in the areas that I could have shined and been creative. It wasn’t until I was in my first years of college that I joined the theatre clubs, the debating clubs, the local school and community newsletter teams.
I didn’t evolve into myself until I turned 18, and the best times were between 18 and 20, then the AIDS epidemic happened, and I found myself reverting back to the younger years of feeling “unprotected”.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
Having the same opportunity to date and do all the rituals young people do. I did have a social network but it was small.
Cordell, 41, Albany
The worst aspects were always being worried that someone would find out that you were gay and “out” you or hate you because of it. The best aspect was always being sexually ready and willing.
James, 43, Oakland
The best part of being young and gay was being carefree and if you caught something then, there was a cure for it. The worst part was losing so many friends to AIDS and feeling insecure about my looks.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
Some of the worst aspects of being young and gay were that I didn’t see a lot of people with ‘direction’…goals…aspirations for the long term. The big thing at that time was living to party. I was in the minority as a student in college and striving for my degree. I still went to the club…The Garage, as a matter of fact! There was nothing like The Garage because everyone partied together; the gays, the lesbians, the straights, the elderly, the drag queens. The Garage…it’s music…it’s atmosphere were wonderful aspects of my gay youth. I re-live them now in my head when I’m at the gym listening to disco classics. I have fond memories of the change rooms in particular, where we would change into our party clothes, and at the end of the evening we would take our washcloths and do a bird-bath before changing back into our street clothes and going home. The best parts of being young and gay came as a result of living a very carefree life. Looking back on it now, living a carefree life cost many of my brothers their lives. AIDS devastated our community and no one seemed to be paying attention. That wasn’t okay with me.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Best -- Energy! Being able to stay up and out all night. Not knowing how I managed to drive back home after being in the club till dawn in another city. Being unburdened, carefree.
Worse -- The shallowness of things. Myself and other people. Thinking that all there was to life was going out and enjoying yourself, and that anything 'serious' wasn't worth considering.
Tomorrow, Part 5: Midlife Reality Check
Posted by bernie at March 28, 2007 12:00 AMA lot of these are what I thought too. ROFL!
Posted by: CreoleInDC at March 28, 2007 10:41 PMI did not think about my life at thirty. I was too busy having fun!!! I was fortunate enough to have interaction with some positive brothers in their thirty who told me some good stuff that I should have listened too. They are all gone now....
Posted by: Kevin 40 at March 29, 2007 10:34 AM