Redefining Community
Black Gay Men at Midlife – Part 7 of a series
Middle age is all about self-acceptance, establishing a comfort level that comes about by separating wants from needs, the unimportant from the important. People may seem more focused and driven during this phase of life because they aren’t interested in wasting time doing things that aren’t productive. That includes maintaining relationships that aren’t mutually beneficial. Better to have a few good friends than a large collection of casual acquaintances.
That, and other realizations are the topic of discussion today as our group re-examines the meaning of community.
In what ways do you feel connected to a gay community, if at all? How do you define “community” now and has that changed from when you were younger?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
I don’t feel connected to a gay community and to be quite honest I find myself making any connections with the gay community as few and infrequent an excursion as possible. I don’t identify with gay, sgl or anything in that general area. I don’t get the emphasis on sex over personhood, the thug phenomenon over “will he treat me right” or “does he want to be treated right?” I don’t define community the same way I did say 10 years ago. I thought it my responsibility to try to bring some sense of offering to the community that wasn’t centered around clubs or churches, neither of which provides any real substance for me. I define community now by people with whom I interact and who can talk about themselves and life and where they’re coming from with a sense of sincerity; people who have a spirituality that runs at depth and are evolving. I don’t need a political movement in my living room, at least not in the traditional sense. I’m building what I call a clan about now, especially since I’m in the adoption process. What I thought was community at a younger age was much less demanding about how I wanted to be treated and my expectations of being treated well. Now that I do have expectations of being treated like a human being I find that my sense of community has become extremely stressed and stretched. At the same time I desperately need quality people in my life. What a dilemma I find myself in at 42/43!
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
I feel more a part of the community now because I work to make it better compared to when I was younger. I define it as the black gay community.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
I do not feel connected to a gay community of any kind at this point in my life, but that has more to do with my voluntary withdrawal than anything else. I do not define community at this point.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I feel strongly connected to other Black LGBT people, and during my adult life have been either a member or founder of local and national organizations that seek to create and foster Black gay communities. In terms of the wider American gay community and international gay communities, as I noted above, I have made active contacts with and do feel some connection, usually through my career; I was a member of LGBT writing organizations, as well as a board member of the Center for Lesbian and Gay Studies at City University of New York for 3 years. Nevertheless, the ongoing racism, white supremacy, misogyny, classism, and other social and political biases I detect in the mainstream, predominantly white gay community mean that I do not participate in that community's activities uncritically, though on the larger philosophical issue of LGBT equality and civil rights, I agree with them.
George, 51, New York
I have been seen as an activist so the community that I was involved with was very visible and connected to multiple issues. That has changed for me. I am not actively involved in any organizations or groups and don’t feel the need to be “out there” all the time. I ask questions and will support various concerns but am very comfortable being in the background and watching, offering my opinion when asked and moving along.
Mark, 46, Harlem
I’m not gay and don’t feel part of the gay community. I’m ok with it. I now see community as a village of cultural affirmation, intellectual stimulation and spiritual realization. Since I’ve gotten older, my entire perspective on life has changed. God has transformed my existence: my negative sense of self has been replaced by a positive concern for others.
David, 46, Harlem
I felt connected in my earlier “coming out” days. I felt connected when I would join Craig Harris, Issac Jackson, Donald Blance and a host of the early writers of the gay experience in the 1980s, who unfortunately lost their battle to the AIDS virus.
I felt connected when I would leave the clubs, and walk the streets with my Time Square crew, eat breakfast at some dive of a diner, and then end up in some bathhouse, naked, exposed and free . . . but that also brought about responsibility and a few of us didn’t wish to take that on.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
I feel disconnected from the gay community unless it is outside of an urban setting. I thrived for those urban community settings but I am much more satisfied as pursuing personal goals. I define community as a place where I feel comfortable being black and gay. I usually find one without the other.
Cordell, 41, Albany
Because I didn’t become connected to a community until my late 20s and into my early 30s, I really didn’t have a defined sense of community for very long. However, as of late, although I participate in community functions and with community organizations, I can still say that here in Albany, the definition of community is very skewed. There are not many people of color communities visible here. When I was younger, all I lived around and hung out with were people of color. Now, if you can find others who exist that you share something with, it’s seldom.
James, 43, Oakland
I felt more connected when I was in my 30’s and still living in Chicago. I was active in Open Hand Chicago and black gay community groups. It was a fun time and I enjoyed it. When I moved to Oakland, I wanted a break from the community work. I still participate in the AIDS Walk every year and support charity events but the need to “carry the blood-stained banner” is not there for me.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
As stated previously I had no idea what a gay community was in my youth. Now, I am very much involved with the gay community. I believe I was sent here to change lives. I want us to learn how to love ourselves, and each other more, and better. I feel connected to my community because I can’t separate myself from my community. India Arie says in her song “Better People”: “…be the change you want to see in the world and healing will multiply…” Therefore, I am my community. I am the shortcomings in the community and the successes in the community. I refuse to stay stuck in a place where I can’t evolve because whenever I evolve, my community evolves…and my spiritual teaching dictates that I am ever evolving.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Well, I think again I'm closer to those 'micro-communities' (to which I should add on-line gays). The larger (white) gay community...yeah, okay, they kinda sorta speak for me, sometime...but for the most part...
Where, how and with whom do you most often socialize? How has that changed, if at all, since you were younger?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
I wasn’t a big social butterfly in my earlier years. I use to be around family, a few select friends. Now since so many of my family have died off just from old age and disease, my circle has severely decreased in my family and this knowledge has had a deeply transformative effect on me and I can’t say it’s necessarily for the good. A lot of “gay” shit has diminished my personal social circle with what would have been called friends. As far as where I socialize, it’s mostly at home where I cook dinners or at others’ home. We might hang out by shopping or eating out or going places like museums, plays or the zoo together.
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
Nightclubs and events was how I socialized. I currently socialize in meetings, social groups or house gatherings of friends or people in various fields that are familiar and interesting to me.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
(Referred us to answer given in Part 5.)
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
I tend to socialize primarily with my partner and our circle of friends, or with my platonic friends in the literary and arts community. I rarely go to bars, clubs or some of the other gay spaces I frequented when I was younger.
George, 51, New York
I have a few friends that I socialize with for different activities. I have theater/dance friends, the cocktail/party friends, the activists/social friends and the movies/chill friends. Some friends are in more than one section but I don’t require everyone to have to do every thing to be a part of my life. When I was younger, it seemed that my friends and I did everything together: party, shop, date, movies, laugh, cry, eat, sleep, share, fight, love together. Some of those folks are gone now but life is also different now.
Mark, 46, Harlem
My social life leaves much to be desired. I don’t have fun like I used to. I lack the sense of spontaneity I experienced when I was younger. I tend to weigh the economics before going anywhere. I sometimes attend cultural events, dance, eat out, shop or watch films with a small group of people.
David, 46, Harlem
Now, I socialize with most of my heterosexual female family members and friends. I don’t socialize with too many of my co-workers like I did when I was younger. I don’t socialize with too many of the gay men of my age or younger for the simple fact that I no longer drink, so I don’t bar hop like I use to. I’m also in a relationship so strip clubs, baths, parks, wild vacations, sexual parties with the “boys”, as enjoyable as it might be, my spirit and values now will be in constant battle, and I am trying to live my life now with less drama.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
I usually like to go to small gatherings with friends. It has changed from wanting to go to the bar on the weekends. I have no desire to do so anymore.
Cordell, 41, Albany
I wasn’t a big drinker when I was younger and so most of my socialization was more “pillow talk” where I slept with them and then if it didn’t work out, they became your friend. Now, I mostly hang out over friends’ homes or go to bars. I actually think that I am less sociable than what I was when I was younger.
James, 43, Oakland
It has changed drastically. I spend a lot time now in music clubs and events so I do a lot of networking with all kinds of people. I like the late shows so I often go out alone as my friends do not like to stay up too late. Whereas most of my friends were gay when I was young, I have straight friends now. When I was younger, I did a lot of clubbing with my friends and would stay out until the wee small hours of the morning. Now, I still go out dancing every couple of months. I treasure my close circle of friends but do not get to see them as often because I am always doing or going somewhere. We get together for dinners, movies, and I host an annual dessert party during the holidays. It gives me a chance to catch up with everyone. I think I have and am creating a very nice life for myself.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I socialize a lot with other gay men on my job, with other young black gay males as a support group facilitator, on Adam4Adam (LOL!), with my (considerably younger) roommate and with my best friends back in New York. I think the only way my socialization has changed is in recognizing that I am more than my face or my body…I am a soul and a heart and a mind. Once I recognized this in myself, then I can help others recognize it in themselves as well. This is important because when I was younger it was mostly about the party. I wish there was someone then that could teach me that ‘The Life’ was comprised of more than just the party scene.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Being a couple you tend to spend more time with other couples, or others who are in some kind of relationship, straight or gay. Also there's more family time as well. A lot of the fires that flared up when dealing with family have banked over the years.
Sunday, Part 8: Intergenerational Ties
Posted by bernie at March 31, 2007 12:00 AMReading the answers to some of the questions posted and my own, it does appear that as we become older, our sense of selves have changed, and now define who we are. The peoeple who we choose to have as a part of our lives have also changed more to mirror how we see ourselves today. In my late 20s and 30s, many of the people I socialized with were people who I was working beside on organizations trying to establish communities that we wanted. Some time ago, there was a group of people of color in Albany who became tired and fed up with being marginalized and ignored by the majority organizations and gatekeepers and so we set to o develop our own sense of what "community" was. A Collective of people of color and their allies, who were wiiling to work towards change establishing the organization that still exists called "In Our Own VOices (www.ioov.org).
Through all the effort and turmoil to see reflections of ourselves and control and give voice to our own needs, this group prevailed and still exists. However, 10 years later their patronage and attendance is minimal.
People say that that want to see something that's theirs to call their own, but when its built they stay away from it. Older gay men and women like myself worked hard to create it, and now the organization can't get enough people to keep it going (outside of funding and other dollars) or to utilze it.
This was the legacy that many of us thought would exist for those who'd come after us. So, far that hasn't happened as we'd hope. And the reason for this has much to do with infighting and the crab in a barrell mentality. I've participated on a number of organizations-large and small, black and white, state and local and it seems to me that we (people of color) sometimes are our worst enemies. If iOOV can get 25 people to come to an event, it's a miracle, but on the other hand a predominantly gay white organization that I participate with y think that if only 25 people come to an event, then it's a failure. What's wrong with this picture?
Posted by: Cordell at April 3, 2007 11:20 AM