Love and the Older Man
Black Gay Men at Midlife – Part 6 of a series
Perhaps the single greatest concern for men who love men is whether they will still be able to find love and form lasting relationships as they age. Gone are the days of chasing after anything that moves. The playing field has changed, in that desirable places to meet people may seem limited, but so too have the standards by which a prospective partner is judged. Nobody’s knocking good sex, but that alone doesn’t make a relationship.
So just where does a middle aged Black gay man go to find love and companionship and how great are the odds at this point in life? Our group of men ponders that thought in Part 6.
If you don't have a partner, how optimistic are you that you can find one at your age?
Conrad, 43, Memphis
I’m not necessarily very optimistic at all I must say to be honest. The educated guys (and this is my opinion) tend to be damn nuts, with a lot of book learning but no real heart about life and love and are less authentic to me. Briefcase assassins I call them. Guys who are more hustlers are more real to me because they are what they are without a lot of material stuff to hide behind. Not that they don’t have their drama too, but they have less to hide because they are hustlers. I’d love to have a partner and I’ve tried to look at this from various academic angles about we’ve been taught to need somebody and the common new age thing now about nobody can complete you. No, nobody can complete you but damn it sure would be good to have somebody with whom you have an earthy attachment to, someone whose smell reminds you of the morning earth on the back roads of Mississippi who even when you lose him in dusk light you can still feel him there. Somebody who is just down to earth and not caught up in gay, sgl, downlow (whatever in the hell that is) and who knows how to pick a ripe watermelon at the country market. Yeah, I just asked for the sun and moon, so no I’m not optimistic.
Patrice, 39, Brooklyn
Very optimistic.
Bernard, 41, Atlanta
I do not have a partner. There is a person in my life, but we are not a couple. Even if this person and I myself never get together, it’s ridiculously easy to get a partner, so I’m not concerned at all.
John, 41, Jersey City/Chicago
N/A (He’s in a long-term relationship)
George, 51, New York
I think I can find a partner but again, I want someone who is stimulating in and out of bed and a man who has his own life, friends, and interest and does not want or need to be up under me all the time. I actively date but am not willing to jump every time someone seems to be interested.
Mark, 46, Harlem
I’ve been single for over two years. I tend to feel alone, not lonely. I’m equally liberated and prudish about my sexuality. I fantasize about partnering younger guys, yet realize experience, maturity and wisdom is attractive to my spirit. Optimistic? I often feel I won’t partner at all, but then of all a sudden I meet someone who makes my heart flutter.
David, 46, Harlem
Well at the age of 30 I found myself in a “committed/real” relationship for the first time, I don’t include my brief marriage for a lot of right and wrong reasons. But I fell in love with another man at 30, and we stayed together for six years.
It was a learning lesson for us both. And, I would like to think that we both have grown from that relationship. But I also learned that I was looking for “protection” from the world, and he couldn’t “protect me”. It was something that I had to do for myself.
I now have a partner, and we’ve been together for almost nine years. I was always looking for partners in my early relationships, but I don’t think I was ready, for I was unsure of myself. But when I turned 35 things just fell into place.
Robert, 40, San Francisco
Not optimistic at all.
Cordell, 41, Albany
Currently, I am not partnered and presently, I am less optimistic than what I was when I was younger and would walk away from one and jump into another. I take my time about ending relationships now.
James, 43, Oakland
I would love to have a partner but the rules of the road have changed for me. I am almost 44 now so being co-dependent like I was at 22 just ain’t happening. I am much stronger, have much more self-esteem and an overall love for myself. I keep myself very active and busy. I know that does not mix well with a relationship. I am not looking for someone to complete my life. I am looking for a friend, a lover, and a companion. Most of all, he has got to have a life and not be afraid of the life I have created for myself and am willing to share. Yes, I am still optimistic. Unfortunately, most of the men that I have met that could hang live in other parts of the country or world. I am not afraid of love. I just want it to be good love.
Jaleel, 42, Decatur
I am so excited about what God has for me in a relationship. I look better than I’ve ever looked, I think in a new way, I embrace abundance and prosperity, I’m more intelligent and articulate than I’ve ever been. I’m a catch! I don’t want to sound egotistical but I’ve worked hard to be who I am today. I’m proud of the spiritual, academic, physical work I’ve put into loving me! Although the journey toward a partner (you know, the dating process) can be tedious, it is a necessary part of finding someone special. I have a lot to give and when it’s right…when the season arrives…I will have my right and perfect relationship.
Reggie, 46, Baltimore
Even though I shouldn't answer, I'll say that everyone should remain optimistic about being/finding love. But also just as important (more?) you should be happy with yourself and being in your own company.
Tomorrow, Part 7: Community Connections Redefined
Posted by bernie at March 30, 2007 12:00 AMEventhough it's difficult for us to find the true love ,we still must be optimistic. We are looking for the lover but other things. Only you insist on what you believe, you can find your lover .A friend of mine met on www.blackgirlsconnect.com fond his love at 50.
Posted by: Daniel Pennant at March 30, 2007 2:33 AMI have been enriched from reading this series. I totally fit into the age group and feel/felt their pains and joys. Thank you. I wish you peace.
Posted by: Thom at April 1, 2007 1:36 PMSpeaking for myself, Mr. Bernie, I like older brothers. It's their confidence I admire and find so attractive. Oh well.
Posted by: Bronze at April 2, 2007 7:48 AM