Long Range Planning
I’m already contemplating some summertime activities with a few friends and am putting the word out to fellow bloggers to see who else might be interested.
First, there’s the idea of another sky diving trip. We'd hoped to do this thing last summer, but it never came off. So we're gonna try again this year, most likely in June or July. Back in 2003, EJ and I, along with other non-blogging friends and friends of friends, made our first jumps at this place when they were in New Jersey. They’ve moved the site to eastern Pennsylvania, so folks in NY, NJ and PA can even make the trip. Shoot me a line at Bernie@bernardjtarver.com if you're interested.
Later in the summer, I might also make a trip north of the border to see some movies.
And on it goes...
A jury found Steven Pomie guilty in the brutal beating of Dwan Prince in Brooklyn last June that left Prince paralyzed. Police still have no leads in the violent death and dismemberment of Rashawn Brazell. Gay youth, most of them Black and Latin, hang out on the Pier in New York’s West Village until all hours of the morning because they have nowhere to go. A suspect, arrested in the murder of a prominent Harlem minister, claims he was fending off sexual advances.
The sum total is that society believes certain lives are less valuable than others. Some people are perceived disposable, easily discarded, tossed aside, even killed, with little regard to consequence.
Sadly, while the Brazell case has received wide attention within the community, he was not the first, nor will he be the last victim. We need to be raising greater awareness about all of these cases, if only to demonstrate to the rest of society that we believe our lives matter.
Question Time
When it comes to relationships and how to find, form and maintain long-lasting meaningful ones, I have more questions than answers. I am often engaging in conversations with friends online and off about why it seems everyone we all know, including ourselves, is single, lonely and unable to meet anyone we can connect with.
It doesn’t matter if I’m having this conversation with men or women, young or old, gay or straight, Black, White, Latin or Asian. There is the desire to meet people, but also great apprehension about opening up, trusting and committing the time and energy to a relationship. We all want it so bad, but seem unable or unwilling to overcome past pain learned through failed attempts.
In addition to those common threads, there is also the reality that the world as we were all brought up to see it, has changed. Most people are independent and able to fend for themselves. We don’t need someone to take care of us financially or to do the cooking and cleaning, but we certainly want companionship, intimacy, intellectual stimulation, or a shoulder to lean on during tough times.
This is the great paradox it seems. I see parallels in the search undertaken by both straight women and gay men. Many educated, professional women are self-sufficient. They have the means to provide for themselves. Many gay men are in the same boat, dependent on no one but themselves to take care of them.
Trifling men, with little to offer beyond a phyne body and a smooth line, won’t get too far with either.
So how do you form a relationship when you want someone but don’t need anyone in your life? Must potential mates now live up to a whole different standard that is more nebulus and less understood by both parties? Is it easier to break up and move on if a potential partner doesn’t live up to this invisible criteria? If you don’t know why you want someone in your life and what role you need them to play, can you ever find anyone that measures up? Can you ever hope to play the necessary role in anyone’s life? Is monogamy an anachronism? Are we all destined to have a pool of friends who serve various specific needs, but no one person to serve most or all?
As I said at the outset, I have more questions than answers.
UPDATE: I found this interesting take on the same subject, from a Black lesbian perspective, on a blog I've only recently discovered, Pica 12.
A Sharpe About Face
Just 11 days after filing petitions to seek a sixth term as Mayor of Newark, NJ, Sharpe James has surprised residents and political observers there by bowing out of the race. His departure leaves the door wide open for former city councilmember Cory Booker to win the office he narrowly lost to James four years ago by just 3,500 votes.
In making the announcement James cited as a reason the fact that he opposed dual office-holding in New Jersey, a common practice that allows mayors to also serve in the Legislature. James also is a state senator.
Whether you believe that reason or not, James was due for a tougher fight this go round. As a politician who had never lost an election, some insiders believed this could be the year, and perhaps James saw the handwriting on the wall. At this stage in the campaign leading up to the May 9 election, Booker has the most endorsements, money and the most firmly entrenched organization.
Newark Deputy Mayor Ron Rice now steps up to try to claim the James supporter base.
Inside the Numbers
At the beginning of the month, I asked readers to respond to a little survey I’d developed. The purpose was to allow me to get a better sense of who reads this blog and what you get out of it. While hardly scientific, it was helpful to me and I thank everyone who took the time to fill it out.
My Extreme Tracker gives me a numerical profile of how many people stop by, how they were referred and where they may live geographically. But through this survey I hoped to learn about your age, race, sex, sexual orientation, religious and political beliefs, in addition to what you liked about the site. Needless to say, there were some things that surprised me and other things which met my expectations.
It came as no great surprise to me to know most of my readers are Black or African-descended (86%), male (85%) and same gender loving (77%). While I might think my writing reflects a diversity of interests, it clearly attracts a readership that resembles the writer. Having done zero marketing of this blog, I can only assume folks have found it through six degrees of separation.
Only 15% of readers are women and just 10% are heterosexual.
The blog skews a younger demographic than I assumed. Forty percent of you are between 30-40 years old. An equal number, 27%, are either 19-29 or 41-50.
Most readers identified themselves as politically progressive--71% versus 29% moderate, with no conservatives showing at all. There has been nothing I’ve written to date that would even remotely resonate with conservative ideology, so there’s no surprise there. Fifty-nine percent of you consider yourself spiritual but not religious, with another 9% agnostic, and 4% atheist or practicing some other religion than those choices listed. Considering the sexual orientation of most readers and the loss of faith in Christianity many gay men feel, this also seemed right in line.
An equal number of you—31%--have been reading since I started the blog, or for the last 6 months to a year; 38% visit several times a month or at least once a week (33%).
As for those aspects of the blog you like the most, I was flattered to read that my writing does it for most of you (25%), with another 21% finding the topics informative and thought-provoking.
Concerning content, 16% found the editorials and commentaries most interesting, with 14% enjoying my news and informational pieces.
Now in three different questions, respondents expressed interest in knowing more about me through the blog. Fifteen percent, the third highest response rate, felt they got a true sense of the writer through the blog; 14%, also the third highest response, liked items about the writer’s personal life; and in answer to what you wanted to see more of in the future, 21%, the highest response, wanted me to reveal more about my personal life.
I think all bloggers wrestle with the question of how much to reveal about their own lives, and I am no different. Since anyone can read this thing, you just don’t know who will see this and whether or not you want all your business on the Internet. Nevertheless, personal entries tend to get the best response in terms of comments. It is a balancing act I will consider carefully.
Finally, 8% of you wanted to see more sexual content. Ha! Ya’ll must have me confused with some other Bernard.
Oh by the way...
Did I mention I got a new computer this week?
The laptop is officially dead, but Apple is expected to announce new iBooks in April, so I'll wait to see what they look like before I try to replace it.
Go Home!
Did we mention we hate Duke?
The suckers lost tonight, to LSU. The over-rated team from the over-rated conference that didn’t really deserve to be a Number 1 seed, faced real competition and came up short. Good for ‘em.
Another Senior Moment
Add this thought to the issues facing the over 50 LGBT population: Many do not feel comfortable coming out to their doctors or health care providers. Of those who do, discrimination is often the result.
A study by the McGill School of Social Work in Montreal, Canada on health care and treatment for lesbian and gay seniors living in Montreal, Vancouver and Halifax, found that many seniors would not come out to their doctors unless asked directly and that others reported mistreatment if their healthcare providers even suspected their sexual orientation.
One Vancouver senior who was quoted in the study said that she was ignored when she asked for help after one nurse had identified her as a lesbian from a newspaper article.“From then on, I couldn't get anyone to help me out of bed," the woman told researchers.
In another shocking example, a gay senior citizen told researchers that he had a home care worker who, when he found out the man was gay, offered to help "save me from this blasphemous...thing."
Researchers say that seniors are especially prone to mistreatment because they’re less likely to feel empowered enough to speak up for themselves, due to long-standing generational and societal fears and that when you mix people who have prejudice with people who have vulnerabilities, you often get abuse.
Not coming out to medical professionals is not limited to the elderly. A recent GayHealth.com survey says that more than 40 percent ‘rarely’ or ‘never’ even discuss their sexuality with their doctors. Another GayHealth.com survey reports that one-third had not ‘come out’ to their healthcare provider at all.
But since seniors very often have acute health care needs, to not feel comfortable sharing aspects of their lives which may have an impact on their physical or mental state could have profound negative ramifications.
Changing how the medical profession, home health care providers and nursing homes treat lesbian and gay seniors will require a concerted effort of education and awareness by those who are young and energetic enough to take up the cause. Like other issues, it may reap benefits now and in the future.
The (Not So) Secret Gay Life of Luther Vandross
Nine months have now passed since the death of the extraordinarily talented R&B singer Luther Vandross, and with this passage of time has come renewed interest in his private life. Out Magazine has published an article with interviews with those who knew the fiercely private balladeer. They confirm what most of us (who weren’t wearing blinders) already knew; Vandross was gay, but also never had much of a sex life and was uncomfortable talking about his sexuality with anyone other than very close friends.
No doubt this report will rekindle the hot discussion about whether a celebrity risks losing their stardom by coming out and whether it’s anyone’s business. Frankly, I think living life in the closet is an awful price to pay for stardom and that those performers who are out get to maintain their sanity and self-esteem, which is far more valuable than fame in the long run. I am also bothered by the notion that secrecy must be expected of gays and lesbians when straight folks get to be so constantly obvious about their’s. This interesting piece on Rashid’s blog addresses that point better than I can.
Nobody could or should live Luther’s life for him, but one must ask the question, what if he had chosen to be honest when asked the direct question, “Are you gay” (and he was on several occasions, but always denied it or attempted to deflect)? Since he and so many other of our performers are infinitely more talented and interesting than their straight counterparts, what might that have added to the entire debate over gay rights, if we could have pointed out that the best and brightest singers, actors, writers, producers, managers, publicists, etc., etc., etc. are some of us? What might that have done to encourage and inspire that gay youth, also talented but wondering if s/he can succeed and be open and honest about his/her life, if s/he could have pointed to Luther and said, “He did it. So can I.”
Invisible Over 50
In my professional work, I provide training and technical assistance to staff of non-profit social service agencies in and around the New York metropolitan area, many of whom are in some way involved in HIV/AIDS services and supportive housing issues. They may also be involved in a plethora of related concerns.
This week a co-worker and I delivered an excellent and well-received two-part training on how to be a more effective public speaker. About 13 people from various agencies attended, including two gentlemen from an organization representing Black LGBT folks 50 and over. As a component of our training, participants were required to deliver a five minute presentation on a topic of their own choosing. They both chose topics related to being Black and gay and over 50.
While there were many things I already knew about the subject matter, what came through loud and clear was the sense of isolation and loss of community that many of our folks feel when they reach their senior years. Despite efforts by their organization and others around the city, social, educational and recreational events get small turnouts and they are at wits end trying to find ways to reach this population. However, everyone believes it is larger than the popular perception. For reasons unknown, older Black gay folks are choosing to stay home rather than venture out.
However, in a community that places so much emphasis on youth and beauty, projecting the notion that even 30 is old and undesirable, should it surprise anyone that those over 50 find few reasons to engage? They are no doubt asking, “What’s out there for them?” I know 20-somethings who are tired of the limited offerings of bars and clubs. Since even those don’t cater to seniors, I can only imagine the disinterest in searching for social alternatives grows exponentially with each passing decade.
Yet, without support networks of family or friends, are our elders destined to live out their remaining years alone? What responsibility does the younger Black LGBT community have to involve itself and seek solutions here? Who (if anyone) is studying the very specific needs and concerns of Black LGBT seniors? Assuming we will all grow old one day, are there not benefits to be derived for seniors now and ourselves in the future?
Weak End
Hey next time I go shooting my blog off about the best conference in men’s college basketball, stop me, will ya. We went oh(!) for 3 in first round action Thursday, including losses by Seton Hall, Marquette and the alma mater. Oy! In our defense, because our teams play such a tough regular and post season schedule, we’ve been beaten and battered so bad, some of us have nothing left by NCAA tournament time. The ‘Cuse had to battle through four straight grueling games to win the Big East Championship. Those guys are more than half my age, but I know if I put in just one long day, it takes me two to recover. I can’t imagine four in a row. Let’s hope the remaining five teams can carry the flag this weekend.
Erin go bragh! ‘Tis St. Patrick’s Day, it is. Ah, the streets of New York will be covered in green today as the sons and daughters of Ireland celebrate by marching up Fifth Avenue. This great-great-grandson of Ireland (on my mother’s side) will bypass the festivities, thank you very much, as will New York City Council Speaker Christine Quinn. She’s not partaking because the organizers of this quasi-religious affair don’t allow gays and lesbians to march. Quinn is the city’s first openly lesbian council speaker and third highest elected official. She’ll sit this one out in protest. We’ll both miss seeing all those violations of the city’s open container laws.
In politics across the river, Newark, NJ Mayor Sharpe James filed papers to run for a sixth term just before Thursday’s filing deadline. The mayor, who some see as either a champion of the people or an embarrassing example of corrupt machine politics, is now poised to once again face opponent Cory Booker, who James defeated in a close race in 2002. That election, chronicled in the Academy Award-nominated documentary Street Fight, pointed out the extent to which James and his organization would stoop to win, going so far as to suggest that the light-skinned Democrat Booker was actually a white Republican. In some less-informed parts of Newark, that tactic apparently worked. The city’s bipartisan election will be held May 9.
Finally, some kind reader, I know not who, purchased a gift for me off my wishlist, apparently quite awhile ago. I know this only because I happened to look at the wishlist in purchased mode and saw the item there. I don’t know if it was a holiday present or a birthday gift, but it never arrived. Perhaps, whoever you are, you’ve been wondering why I never thanked you. I do thank you, I just don’t know who you are nor did I receive the package. I hope it is not too late to inquire with Amazon.
Basketball and Mobsters
No, my computer hasn’t been fixed. Yes, I’m frustrated.
On the one hand, it’s a good thing because I’m spending less time online. It was quite easy for me to come home from work and vegetate in front of the computer, blogging, reading blogs, emailing, surfing, IMing and anything else you can do. I’ve since started a diet, gotten to the gym several times a week, done some serious cooking and gotten to bed at a decent hour every night. It is conceivable, I’m willing to entertain, that I was/am too addicted to the Internet. Maybe the hard drive malfunction is God’s way of telling me to get a life.
Speaking of which, the hard drive is still under warranty, so its actual replacement shouldn’t cost me anything. The data extraction however comes at a price, but it’s one I’m willing to pay. I have also, finally, purchased a backup storage device, after about 16 years of flirting with danger. We Mac users sometimes get lulled into a false sense of security. While I’ve had hard drive problems in the past, I’ve never ever lost data because of the way they are partitioned. But you never want to light three cigarettes on one match either. So it is now time to make backing up a regular part of my daily tasks.
Not having a computer couldn’t come at a more inopportune time however. It is March Madness, my second favorite time of the sports year after football season. After my alma mater, Syracuse, staged a miraculous display of basketball talent to win the Big East Championship at Madison Square Garden last week, taking four games in four nights, they transformed themselves from a bubble team to a fifth seed in the NCAA tournament’s Atlanta bracket. It was, incidentally, the best basketball anyone in New York has seen at Madison Square Garden all year! (Maybe the Knicks could play all their games on the road and Big East teams could play all their games at the Garden?) If I had my computer, I would love to be able to blog regularly about what’s happening.
But I won’t have access in the evenings and weekends, so I have to say my piece while I can. First, we hate Duke. Let’s just get that out of the way. Never liked the team. They play in an over-rated conference where they beat up on easy opponents on their way to a perennial league championship. They are Number 1 seed in the Atlanta bracket and face Number 16 Southern University, an historically Black college and my mother’s alma mater in the opening round. We can hope for miracles, can’t we?
Second, the best conference in NCAA Division I Men’s Basketball placed a record eight teams in the tournament, and could have sent nine, but that would have been greedy. Nobody cake walks through either the Big East regular season or our tournament. We beat up on each other (and any school from any other conference), but then we circle the wagons and root for each other in the big dance. Two of the four Number 1 seeds are from the Big East, Connecticut (who lost to the ‘Cuse in our tournament) and Villanova. An all-Big East Final Four is something we dream about regularly in these parts.
Unlike the annoying Billy Packer who seems to think accomplishments in past seasons should be taken into consideration in filling out this year’s brackets (he’s an ACC ass kisser), I’m delighted to see small schools from small conferences getting in through at-large bids. The Great Danes of the State University of New York at Albany, from my old stomping grounds, have made their first trip to the tournament after just seven years as a Division 1 school. They are a 16th seed in the Washington, DC bracket. The 15th seed in the Oakland bracket is a school called Belmont. I didn’t even know where the hell they were from until looking up the link just now, but I’m glad they’re in because it gives little schools everywhere reason for hope.
Hampton plays Monmouth tonight in the play-in game, the winner to go on as the 16th seed to face Villanova in the Minneapolis bracket. Then things get underway hot and heavy on Thursday and Friday. In three weeks, it is the most exciting concentration of basketball you’ll see anywhere all year. The NBA and its overblown regular and post-season set up, should take note.
Did you see the Sopranos season 6 premiere Sunday night? The long-ass wait was worth it. They are setting up some very interesting storylines to play out this year. The fun of this series has always been distinguishing between what people say and what people do. Everybody lies to everybody else to protect their own interests. That’s because everyone is trapped in a life they really don’t enjoy, which causes them undo stress, and from which they feel powerless to escape. For the uninitiated, this show is less a “mob story” and more a psychological case study of dysfunction and people’s inability to effect and manage change.
This year’s opening episode pointed out the harsh realities of life for Mafia families and underlings. With Brooklyn boss Johnny Sack in the can, his wife Ginny is dodging bill collectors and repossession notices and can’t even afford makeup. His acting boss Phil Leotardo is making nice with the New Jersey crew only because that’s what Johnny wants. Soprano soldier Gene Pontecorvo learns the hard way that nobody retires from the mob. When Tony’s captain Ray Curto dies suddenly, the guys all turn out to honor him, not knowing he was a long-time FBI informant. Carmela got a nice new Porsche from Tony, but should she learn a lesson from Ginny and start putting assets in her own name now?
With Tony paying the price for not putting Uncle Junior in an assisted living facility, who’s going to run the Soprano family in the interim? Silvio? The slimmed down Vito? (There are more than new clothes in his closet.) Paulie Walnuts? Will there be an internal power struggle, or will Phil Leotardo seize the opportunity to get even with the Soprano crew and extend his reach across the river? Stay tuned.
Told You So
Hiatus, yes. Retire for good, never!
The good bloggers always return.
Remembering Gordon Parks
Gordon Parks, the first black American photojournalist for Life magazine and the first leading black filmmaker with movies such as The Learning Tree and Shaft, died Tuesday at his home in New York. He was 93.
Social Critic Was Armed With Lens (Chicago Tribune)
Gordon Parks, A Master of the Camera, Dies at 93 (New York Times)
Photographer Documented Poverty's Toll (Los Angeles Times)
We're Experiencing Technical Difficulties...
The laptop is in the shop again. Hard drive problems caused the screen to go out. The hard drive was replaced just last year, so somebody owes me big time. Consequently, updates to this site will be sporadic at best. In the meantime, if you haven't already, do take the survey.
It's probably time for a new computer or two.
Quality Control
As former New York City Mayor Ed Koch used to say, “How’m I doin’?”
I have been blogging since September 2003 and had thousands and thousands of visitors, but other than those who bother to leave comments, I really don’t have a sense of who reads this thing and why. So I figured I’d ask.
Please take my reader poll and let me know what you like about Bejata. It is anonymous and will be used to help me stay focused. Blogging can be such a solitary act, you know.
Afterwards, feel free to leave a comment here.