World AIDS Day: A Personal Perspective
The facts from around the world, as highlighted above, are cold and grim. They chronicle a world-wide HIV/AIDS epidemic that 20-plus years after the first cases appeared, shows no signs of abating.
Here in the U.S., despite recent media hysteria over the “DL phenomenon,” statistics show that the population most seriously affected by the virus continues to be Black men who have sex with men. Despite this fact, resources targeted to understand and address the problem remain inadequate and many in the Black gay community question whether whole new prevention strategies are needed.
The question of why people would still put themselves at risk in an age when there is so much informaton available about HIV transmission and how to keep one’s self safe, remains a dilemma for which there are no simple answers. The reasons can be complex and deeply personal and as far as prevention efforts are concerned, difficult to tackle with one-size-fits-all approaches.
To illustrate, I share my own situation.
I am 45 years old, HIV negative, single, yet haven't been in a steady relationship in years. In a youth-obsessed culture, despite a college degree, a good job and my own perceptions, I am in that sub-population often deemed over the hill and undesirable as a potential mate. Not into clubs and bars, I have found few outlets where my interests and suitable companionship intersect.
By day, I work in organizational development in the HIV/AIDS field, with a housing and technical assistance provider in NYC, and years ago once worked in street outreach. I know the facts, the risks and the consequences of unsafe behavior.
But because of my present relationship status, there are days when I am just plain lonely and horny. I can only be honest. Believe me when I tell you, that’s a lethal combination. It has the power to cloud otherwise clear thinking and make one act on impulse instead of rational thought.
I confess to you now that on more than one occasion, I have fooled around in the steam room at my gym, along with the other lonely, horny men who congregate there. It’s a fairly regular, yet diverse gathering of men, any where from 18-65, all walks of life, and I’m sure with varying degrees of acceptance of their sexual identity. Regardless of their circumstances, regardless of whether I participate or not, you can find the regulars there, trying to get their needs met.
I've never engaged in any major activity there, certainly nothing I’m ashamed of, but I do realize I'm dealing with total strangers who could possibly have any number of STDs beyond HIV. It's just that for all of us, the desire to be touched by another man is all-consuming. There is a profound sense of need present in that room that is absolutely palpable.
I share all this to say that I believe the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV, is often a result of an innate need for intimacy and a corresponding shortage of healthier ways to achieve that. We can do HIV education, hand out condoms, create pamphlets and smart commercials, but until we are able to effectively address individual and collective feelings of isolation, low self-esteem, emotional and physical neediness, people will always do things that make no sense, despite all the information that is out there.
It is not so much about not wanting to do the right thing as much as taking advantage of a spontaneous opportunity to fill a gapping void in one’s life. The consequences however can be life-altering.
Posted by bernie at December 1, 2005 1:27 AMTrackBack
Thank you for sharing. I have been scanning today’s blog posts regarding AIDS and I find yours to be one of the most instructive.
Posted by: Sometimes Saintly Nick at December 1, 2005 6:15 AMThank you for your honesty.
It means so much. :
Bernie, you bring up points that are close to my heart. The real dialogue needs to happen early and revolve around esteem and respect. Those conversations are not happening or practiced at home, school, etc. Consequently, we have so many young people fumbling towards immediate gratification, regardless of circumstance.
Becoming comfortable with one's sexuality is difficult for everyone. Our judgmental society makes it that much tougher for people feeling emotions for the same gender.
Posted by: j. brotherlove at December 1, 2005 9:49 AMThe older i get, the more i really believe the lack of intimacy is the problem. As you've illustrated, sex is easy to find. What drives us so often to make decisions we may later regret is the need for intimacy with other men.
Posted by: malik at December 1, 2005 1:54 PMI totally concur with this assessment of the spread of STDs and HIV, I can totally agree that it is the need for intimacy sexual or non that drives the majority of my experiences as well as those of my friends, as well as the men I have come into contact with over the years, there is something to be said about the human masculine touch, that alot of us can't or won't verbalize.
Posted by: Jaqua at December 2, 2005 6:10 PMThank you for this entry. I have been a lurker at your blog for some time but I wanted to let you know that as a straight black woman, I totally can relate to your experience.
The need for intimacy is why many of our sisters have babies out of wedlock and why many of our brothers haven't learned to be good fathers. We haven't been taught correctly.
Thanks for sharing your soul. It is appreciated.
Posted by: Tiffany in Mpls at December 3, 2005 10:31 AM