Real Love
My Mom and Dad mark their 56th wedding anniversary today. That is a long time for two people to be together.
It is a bittersweet anniversary. As I have mentioned here before, Dad is 84 years old and has advanced stages of Alzheimer’s disease. He has lost much of his ability to communicate coherently, has no concept of time or place, and very often does not recognize family members, including my Mother. In an email recently, she said he was laying in bed and looked at her quizzically before asking, “Did you marry me?” She was amused and thought perhaps vague recollections of the bits and pieces of their lives together float around in his mind.
Mom turns 80 herself in just 10 days. She would otherwise not observe this day were it not for my brothers and I calling or sending cards and gifts. In addition to being primary caretaker for her husband, she is now the sole custodian of their collective memories. Only she remembers now how they met in the late 1940’s, she the editor of the women’s section of a Black-owned newspaper in her native New Orleans, he a World War II veteran and Dallas native who had just started in the sales department. She was already engaged to some other guy and was about to leave for grad school at the University of Wisconsin. He was immediately taken by her and at her farewell party, struck up a conversation realizing it might be his only opportunity.
He asked her if he could write to her while she was away up north. She said yes, and for several years across thousands of miles, including his move to New York to attend grad school at NYU, they exchanged nothing but letters. Lots of letters. If memory serves me, he may have even proposed in a letter. They exchanged wedding vows on this date in 1949. “In sickness and in health, til death do us part” has now taken on real significance.
Through moves to Pennsylvania and Illinois (where my three oldest brothers were born) before finally settling in upstate New York, where the last three of their sons were born, they have not only raised a family but given an awful lot back to the community. There is a room in their house with walls full of plaques, recognizing and thanking them for years of voluntary service for a multitude of causes. Their work both professionally and in the community put them in contact with homeless, illiterate and destitute people as well as every U.S. President from Lyndon Johnson to Ronald Reagan. But they always taught us that none of us are any better than any other and we all have a responsibility respect each other and make this world a better place.
But by no means were these 56 years without problems. There were fights (never physical), long simmering disagreements, financial problems and disappointments in each other that played out behind closed doors, although my brothers and I could often hear them. But never did they let their disputes with each other interfere with giving love and support to their children. They didn’t cut and run, bailout or seek easy solutions that would have disrupted the stability of our home. They worked it out and ultimately realized the value of their partnership.
They have been my role models in so many ways, not the least of which is in modeling the type of relationship I dream of having. I won’t live to see that many years spent with anyone, but do hope to one day meet someone who understands the meaning of the word commitment.
As they live out their remaining years together, the day-to-day duties of being a couple become a true test of that commitment and a living testament to the meaning of love.
Posted by bernie at August 19, 2005 1:57 PMTrackBack
It's heartening to see love survive that long. I'm sending both congrats and blessings to your parents.
And never doubt that one day you'll be in a committed relationship for that long. There's always hope, even when there's reality.
Posted by: ronn at August 19, 2005 2:30 PMBlack love is a beautiful thing.
Posted by: Rashid at August 20, 2005 1:12 PMthat's beautiful. i want to run for vice-president of their fan club.
Posted by: larry at August 20, 2005 2:09 PMAwww...congrats to both of them. Through their blessings have come some of your blessings.
Posted by: Bernard at August 22, 2005 4:28 PM