Free To Be Me With HIV
by Mark Tuggle
I wanted to offer a more personal observation on this World AIDS Day, but didn’t feel I had the proper perspective. So I have invited a friend to write a guest column and tell his story. --BT
When I think about World AIDS Day, I feel a mixture of sadness for my friends and acquaintances whose lives have been cut short due to this illness, as well as a sense of gratitude for my ongoing healing, prosperity and survival. Through grace, I live with AIDS. I am blessed, and, very happy today. How is that possible?
I was diagnosed almost ten years ago. The smell of death frightened me. I felt ashamed, dirty, paranoid and unattractive. The social stigma attached to this disease is demonizing. I was terrified of being exposed. The resulting anxiety was enough for me to try holistic health, support groups and therapy as coping mechanisms. Thank God for Medicaid.
Fortunately, I knew a few folks who were living quite comfortably with AIDS. I had friends who offered simple suggestions that worked in their lives: always wear a t-shirt, drink plenty of water daily, learn how to say no, take naps and walk slowly. I was pleased with their support, yet unsure of my future; am I really going to wake up tomorrow?
As a same gender-loving man of African descent, the reality of homophobia and racism compounded my fears. I was expected to “uplift the race.” I was taught that God would condemn me for my sinful desire. Sorting through the confusion and contradiction of my life became an internal challenge that drained my precious energy. My t-cells plummeted to 57. I was scared, and settled for cable tv, fast food, Internet porn and new clothes.
The fear of rejection haunted my wounded spirit. I believed that no man would find me desirable. How do you tell a potential friend, mate or sex partner that you live with the big disease with the little name? What were my real motives for disclosure? Why does another man’s opinion loom so large in a seemingly small horizon? Self-obsession had me imprisoned. I learned you don’t have to go to jail to feel like you are behind bars.
What a difference a day makes.
The weekly HIV-positive support groups were inspiring. I got hope from the courageous stories of men and women from all walks of life who talked about compassionate doctors, empathetic friends and supportive relatives. My doctor taught me how the virus affects my compromised immune system and what I can do to stay healthy. I felt safe sharing emotional pain with my therapist. My soul awakened to life’s endless possibilities.
About eighteen months after my diagnosis, I traveled home to Chicago to share my illness with my family. While I got mixed reactions, the general response was, “Are you going to be ok?” I felt good, and later decided to devote my time and energy to helping people live with HIV and AIDS. I worked diligently in the AIDS community for six years. The experience was rewarding, but highly stressful. I needed to move on.
A few years ago, I decided to pursue a career as an independent filmmaker. Yes, I hate Hollywood. In the interim, I have become a published writer. Dating has challenged my fears of abandonment, commitment and intimacy. I am able to trust today. Whitney says, “learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.” AIDS has no known cure. The best defense is a life worth living. I am happy, and that is enough for me.
Mark J. Tuggle is a freelance writer living in Harlem, USA. His most recent work can be found in the CITIZEN; POZ and PULSE. Contact him at mjt579@msn.com.
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beautiful.
Posted by: christopher david at December 1, 2004 10:32 AM
This brother should write more for your site !!!
Thank you so much my brother! Your story meant a lot to me!
May God Continue to Bless You!
Posted by: Dwayne Wayne at December 2, 2004 11:49 AMWhat a wonderful piece of writing. Thanks so much for sharing your love with all of us. God Bless.
Posted by: Marsha at December 2, 2004 7:46 PMMARK THANK YOU FOR YOUR HOPE AND HONESTY .MY UNCLE IS LIVING WITH HIV AND HE WILL LOVE THIS STORY MAY GOD CONTINUE TO BLESS YOU .
Posted by: lynn at December 5, 2004 10:27 PMMark:
Congratulations on the article. As usual your words are inspiring. I wish the world was full of indiviudals like yourself. In the words of John Lennon, "Image all people..." You are such a courageous man. I draw strength from your positive energy. Keep walking tall, and remember that God has ordered your steps. I am proud and honored to call you cousin!
Posted by: Karen Lindsey at December 7, 2004 10:20 PM