The L Word
Its funny to me (funny ironic, not funny ha ha) how different people can be going through similar experiences around the same time. Just as I have been spending inordinate amounts of time lately thinking about the deficiencies in my personal life, so apparently have others.
Specifically, I ‘m talking about how after working long hours on the job every day, I come home to an empty apartment and continue to spend more time by myself than seems healthy. I can no longer continue to pretend that it doesn’t bother me.
Recently, my supervisor and I attended a conference for agencies that provide health-related and other social services for Black MSM across the city, state and northeast region. My supervisor is a 30-something, single Black heterosexual female. With close to 60 Black gay men represented, guess which one of us came out of there with a phone number? (Ok, a guy made the hookup for his straight brother, but you get the point.)
There are times when I feel like the kid who needs a pork chop around his neck before the dog will play with him. I don’t know what it is, but I tend not to get approached in most social settings. Despite my background and skills, I am at heart a very shy person and have never had an easy time meeting others. I can professionally schmooz but it feels so phony when I’m doing it for personal reasons. It really helps to have others make the first move.
I think I am also a victim of my own image. An image, I might add, I worked hard to create. From comments I have received over most of my life, I think the perception of me is of one who is all about business, who has no interest in meaningful or romantic relationships, or is difficult to get to know. None of that could be further from the truth.
Those who know me often come to me for advice, or help, or emotional support or some other reason, and I willingly give it. If I volunteer for something it is because I plan to give it my best effort. People know this and often try to enlist my assistance. But all of this has seemed to perpetuate the notion that I am just some kind of functionary, a utilitarian, a worker bee who isn’t interested in doing anything fun. Invites for other kinds of stuff are rare. Having someone around to lean on when I need a hand is even rarer.
June marked six years in New York City, six years of considerable isolation. I have gotten over my reservations about going to movies or plays or museum exhibits by myself (I still can’t eat dinner in a restaurant alone however), but I’m growing frustrated in my inability to locate places where people who share my interests might hang out, spaces beyond bars and clubs.
Real dates (going out with someone I didn’t already know) have been few, but even when they have occurred, second dates have been harder to come by. I’m at a point where I’m just not meeting many new faces. I wish I could say I was optimistic about the future, but I’m not.
Pride has always made it difficult for me to acknowledge these feelings. I guess that’s a perpetuation of my image as stoic. I realize writing this runs the risk of making me seem foolish, whiney, or desperate, but that’s not the intention either.
As I try to connect the various parts of myself that have for so long felt disjointed and compartmentalized, I want very much to be seen as a whole human being, someone capable of giving and open to receiving love and affection, a passionate, sexual person, someone who is both supportive and in need of support, in order to make it through the day.
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I was going to write this very same thing earlier. Thanks for doing it for me.
Posted by: raven at August 16, 2004 11:25 AMHuman nature is strange as hell. No matter how many people i know who say they don't care what other people think of them, none of them decides to go off and live in the forest by himself. Connectivity is a basic part of human nature; we are social creatures. When we feel disconnected, it screws with us.
I feel ya, Bernie. I think i'm gonna have to write more about this once i've had time to digest.
Posted by: malik at August 16, 2004 2:07 PMwow. powerful piece Bernie. I think a lot of us could have written it but you had the courage to put it out there. as i'm struggling with the meaning of "community" and "communion" for my own realm, this entry really hit home... Thank you!
Posted by: HoneyforOshun at August 17, 2004 4:32 PMI have to agree with you on the image thing, Bernie; you put on a good show. As much as I know better than to sum up a person based on a few writings, I pegged you as a stuffy, no-nonsense guy in NYC - a lttle bitter sometimes (heh heh). Imagine my surprise when I started reading some of your posts on Black Gay Erotica.
Just that different forum gave me a better idea of who you are and I like that. Now, if you can just project your "well-roundedness" out a bit more; engage different (or even some of the same) people in different spaces perhaps you will get different results? Who am I to say such things. I'm pretty, socially inept, remember?
You got my brain percolating though; expect a ping.
Posted by: j. brotherlove at August 17, 2004 5:02 PMDang, I can relate.
Posted by: Berry at August 24, 2004 10:39 PM