This too shall pass...eventually
I have always tried to strike a balance on this blog between commenting on the world and the things that interest me, and being introspective and revelatory. It isn’t really in my nature to use this as a space merely to pour out my soul. I’ve spent too much time shaping and crafting the “perfect” image to allow myself to come off as the scared, insecure, moody, lonely and depressed person I often am offline.
But lately it seems like I’ve been running uphill in mud wearing snowshoes while trying to push a truck with a piano strapped to my back. Despite my best efforts to be professional and put the best face on things, I’m constantly exhausted, mentally more than physically, and it’s getting harder to fake it. If I didn’t have the daily obligation of going to work I could easily just stay in bed for days.
As you know, thoughts of work have taken up major space in my brain. My personal uncertainty seems to have passed. I’ll still have work past June 30, albeit different from what I’m doing now. But others in the department weren’t so lucky and knowing that they’re getting the axe has cast a cloud over the place. That no one in senior administration is trying to manage the emotional feelings affecting remaining staff isn’t helping things.
This was once quite a fun place to work, but it has lost some of its joy. The department has diminished considerably in numbers and the sense of camaraderie and collegiality that we once had is gone, largely due to changes in funding. When government funders change their priorities, nonprofits have to shift accordingly, chasing the new money, regardless of whether or not it’s a perfect fit. Good people, through no fault of their own, have been forced to move on.
Knowing I have a reprieve gives me time to plan my own departure, on my own terms. But just knowing that causes stress. Once again, I have to think about where I’m going and what I want to do. Long range life planning has never been my strong suit. I have many interests and some ideas, but don’t really know what I want to be when I grow up.
Outside of work things aren’t much better. I am constantly perplexed at how you can live in a city of 8 million people and feel all alone, but that is often my existence. June 20 will mark six years here and while I have many acquaintances, I have few of what I consider true friends. Not friends in the way I defined it prior to moving here. I can hang out with people now and even have a good time, but the relationships are never much more than surface level.
I won’t bore you with the (lack of) details of my love life. I might as well wrap that suit in plastic and put it back in the closet.
So, I ride the treadmill of life; “get up, go to work, come home, go to sleep, wake up, repeat.” The desire to get out and experience things is there, but companionship often isn’t, which then affects desire. Trips to the gym enable me to keep the physical together, but the mental state is still under duress.
Hopefully, this too shall pass.
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Just as you said, this too shall pass -- eventually...
No magic have I to offer, no secrets to reveal to living our best and fullest...
Just know that what you expressed is what many, if not, most of us truly feel, particularly as we begin the ascent to mid-life....
Posted by: Maurice at May 3, 2004 10:24 PMThinking back, I recognize the feelings you describe.... one way I grew to appreciate what was available to me in NYC (people, places and things) was to move away. I later realized being bored in NYC was my own fault.... what was I seeking relative to what was available....how much time was spent thinking rather than doing.... I'm enjoying life more today than I did 10 years ago.... but I'm still tired of getting up when that alarm rings every day.... must be spring fever.
Posted by: Bernard at May 4, 2004 3:44 PMYeah, it's me again... here are some simple reminders.... sometimes that's all we really need....
WORDS TO LIVE BY
Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
and some days you're the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet,
just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look
good if you die in the middle of it.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that
can be recalled by their maker.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing
worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
If you can't be kind, at least have the
decency to be vague.
If you lend someone $20, and never see
that person again, it was probably worth it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the
same time, because then you don't
have a leg to stand on.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well.
Just get up and dance.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird,
so sleep late.
When everything's coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane.
Birthdays are good for you; the more
you have, the longer you live.
You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun
to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over;
smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty, some
are dull, some have weird names, and
all are different colors but they all
have to learn to live in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can
enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Happiness comes through doors you
didn't even know you left open.
Have an awesome day, and know that
someone has thought about you today....
maybe meditating before you start the work day will help. yoga could help too.
Posted by: anfanee at May 5, 2004 9:43 AMHugs to you, Bernie. I can definitely relate on both the professional (having been layed off several times) and the personal (lack of a substantial social life). It's nice to see the "real person" behind a blog too...thanks for sharing.
Posted by: Deb at May 9, 2004 4:42 PM